The Richie And Dan Farewell Tour - Part One

Richie: Dan the man! Why you so soft bro? Sitting at home while I went to South Africa and did what I usually always do.

Dan: You know me mate, always keen to chuck the feet up when I can. Plus I have a child ya know? Well maybe you don't know because unlike most celebs, I don't whore myself out to those silly magazines.

Richie: Yeah, fuck that shit. I don't think I'd be surprised to see a drone flying next to my glider while I join the mile high club, if you catch my drift ... hah!

Dan: Well after that Ellis Park epic, you deserve it all. Why'd you go for the try?

Richie: I don't know to be honest, it must have been the altitude or that good South African herb me and the boys hit the night before because I can't explain it aye. I just had a feeling and you know that Shag designed that play for moments like those so I thought I'd give it 20 whacks and see how she went.

Dan: Bummer, I knew there was a downside to not flying all that way to get smashed by South Africans. I can't wait to use the play that Shag designed for me to score, which we'd only use in a World Cup final, why would you waste such a move in a meaningless game?

Richie: Hey! Shag loves me more!

Dan: Nah mate, Shag told me you're all shit. He loves me more, which is why I didn't need to play.

Richie: You son of a bitch, you got me there.

Dan: How'd you think Lima went anyway? Should I be worried?

Richie: Yeah, nah, nah, yeah, nah don't be worried mate. Heck, you might even get a few games off in the World Cup which you'd like ... wouldn't you?

Dan: Too right, it'll be nice to pop over to France and see my new home while you guys are playing. You reckon Sladey might be on the chopping block?

Richie: How dare you suggest that Sladey might not join our Canterbury Crew!

Dan: Canterbury4Life but I'm trying to do the math and there's me, Lima, Beauden and Sladey. Shag won't take us all chief...

Richie: You're right, fuck Sladey.

Dan: He can play fullback or winger though?

Richie: Not so sure there mate, we're all about defence, not speedbumps.

Dan: Easy on son, let's be fair, I wouldn't have done much better with a big uso running at me.

Richie: Ah, but you did. That was a great game in Samoa wasn't it?

Dan: Sure was, it was great to see how we can spread joy throughout different countries. We should do it way more I reckon, but money talks as they say and I don't think anyone but the Samoan Rugby Union would be seeing any of that dosh.

Richie: I feel you there brother, which is why we've got to play in Chicago and all that because someone's got to fill my bank account up or else I'd be buggering off with you.

Dan: What about Versatile?

Richie: Pennies mate, pennies. Got a flimsy fucking garage and enough dosh to keep the missus happy. I need a new glider, a new helicopter ... you know me mate.

Dan: I think I know ... I think I know you. Real talk though, we've played Samoa, Argentina and South Africa, three wins, how do you think we're truckin' along?

Richie: You mean glidin' along? 

Dan: Fuck up.

Richie: Soz mate, thought you might appreciate the dad jokes and all. Obviously not. Yeah, nah I think we in a good place just building nicely towards the World Cup, we've managed to keep notching the wins despite not being at our best which I think puts us in a good position considering how many games we'll have to win to get another World Cup victory.

Dan: To make it even better I think we still have a few positions up for grabs as well which is always nice. I love to watch other blokes smack each other around at training, that competitive nature just raises the bar doesn't it?

Richie: Yeah tell me about it. Note to self - stay away from Victor and Liam, shit the bed they are just destroying each other at training.

Dan: Who ya go there? 

Richie: I like Victor, but we need Liam to lead the haka. 

Dan: Yeah, that's why Shag's on the big bucks huh?

Richie: That and the fact that everyone expects us to keep winning games despite everyone only caring about the World Cup. He's got a tough job does Shaggy ... Mr Boombastic.

Dan: I mean if we lost a game, people would literally shit the bed wouldn't they? Izzy would be hated, you'd be hated for conceding too many penalties and being too old and we'd suddenly have no hope of winning the World Cup.

Richie: None of that 'lessons lay in losses' bullshit huh?

Dan: Nope, we're the All Blacks and the sky would fall if we lose. 

Richie: We won't lose to the Wallabies though will we?

Dan: I'm confident, but they do look a pretty good side. You'll be up against some great flankers and hopefully I get to play, they've got some good backs as well so it'll be a tough battle.

Richie: Ah, Pocock and Hooper, dickheads.

Dan: Don't get me started on Toomua or Giteau. Hey, if we're not allowed to lose because we're the All Blacks, are other teams allowed to hold back a bit with the bigger picture in mind?

Richie: What's if the Springboks and the Wallabies talk the talk about winning these games but don't actually care because they only care about the World Cup? And we're not allowed to lose any sort of game?

Dan: That's why I'm off to France and I'll leave you to deal with these nutters here in New Zealand.

Richie: I AM LORD RICHIE RULER OF NEW ZEALAND, they listen to me mate.

Dan: Whatever bro, see you next week.