The Wildcard’s Guide to the NFL - Week 10
Image: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
Last Week: 8-5
Washington Professional Football Team (3-5) at Minnesota Vikings (1-7)
They’re trying to sell this game as RGIII vs Adrian ‘AD’ Peterson, but no one’s buying it. RGIII is so deeply into his sophomore slump that you can’t even hear his knees creaking anymore, and Peterson, well, no one gives him the ball. He had a great day against Dallas, padded by a 50 plus yarder and a superb, just-you-try-and-tackle-me touchdown, but the three-way QB crisis in Minnesota is draining his MVP prospects. Something’s gotta change with the Vikings. Something has to change in Washington too, and it’s their name. Some possible alternatives:
Washington Professional Football Team: It’s accurate, but not big on the whole brevity thing.
Washington Warriors: Alliteration, check. Originality, eh, not so much.
Washington Federales: I like it. Spanish words sound really badass.
Washington Senators: Reviving the old baseball nickname. Very political. Thing is, politicians are scum.
Washington Sellouts: Yeah, if you want a political slant, there ya go!
Washington Bigots: Now we’re really onto something!
Wildcard’s Pick: R******s by 6
St Louis Rams (3-6) at Indianapolis Colts (6-2)
Sure, the Colts got lucky against Houston… Andrew Luck-y! I’m sorry, that was the weakest one yet. But not as weak as the Rams passing game (Bada-Bish!). Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week – try the veal!
Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 14
Seattle Seahawks (8-1) at Atlanta Falcons (2-6)
It’s practically impossible to pick against Seattle when they’re playing anyone under .500. Though they had plenty of grizzled gambling veterans stumbling out of their whisky-induced stupors by falling 21 points down to Tampa Bay. Of course they still won in the end. Franchise record comeback or not, of course they won. I wanna know how Atlanta went from a conference champ contender to a team that’ll be lucky to finish with 5 wins. Can anyone explain this? Mafia forced match fixing? Alien abductions? Ecological situations inhibiting the natural habitats of the majestic Falcon?
Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 6
Detroit Lions (5-3) at Chicago Bears (5-3)
How possible is it that Calvin Johnson wins the MVP award? They never seem to give it to anyone who isn’t a QB or RB, so probably not very. But is there a player more important to his team’s results than Megatron? Without him they can barely complete a pass. With him, they can put 40 points on ANYONE. This is a crucial game, now that Rodgers is hurt and these two teams (plus Green Bay) are in a 3 way tie for the NFC North. Jay Cutler *should* be back. But can he keep up with the Detroit Lions on offence?
Wildcard’s Pick: No. He cannot. Lions by 7
Oakland Raiders (3-5) at New York Giants (2-6)
Come on, when do the Giants ever settle for a measly TWO game winning streak. They’re winning at least one more. Oakland is turning into a buffer win team for the NFC East, having already lost to Washington & Philly. If Nick Foles can throw 7 TDs against you, then all hope is gone.
Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 10
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-8) at Tennessee Titans (4-4)
Justin Blackmon has been suspended for drug issues for the remainder of the season, so I think we can comfortably write off any chance Jacksonville has of getting more than, hmm, let’s say 2 wins. They’re basically a free notch in the win column.
Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by heaps
Philadelphia Eagles (4-5) at Green Bay Packers (5-3)
22/28 passing (78.57%) 406 YDS, 7 TDs, 0 INT, 158.3 QBR, 14.50 YDS/ATT
That was Nick Foles’ stat line against Oakland. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!? For the first time in at least a year, the Green Bay Packers will not have the best starting quarterback in a game. People are saying that they can lean on their suddenly good running game, but that run game was only so effective because Aaron Rodgers spreads the field so well. Meanwhile Philly just scored 49 points in a game after scoring only 10 in their previous two. I’m literally gonna toss a coin. Heads – Philly, Tails – Green Bay. Right, here goes…
Wildcard’s Pick: It’s tails – Green Bay by 1
Buffalo Bills (3-6) at Pittsburgh Steelers (2-6)
I remember a time when the Pittsburgh Steelers were a team to fear. It was a simpler time, before ‘Tebowmania’ or ‘Linsanity’. When people still spoke face to face and a cold beer still tasted like it should. But as John Lennon once said: “The times they are a-changin’” (He was quoting the Bob Dylan song). Pittsburgh is slowly turning things around. They were blown out against New England, but at least they were putting points on the board. And Buffalo, whether EJ Manuel is fit or not, is hardly gonna be the same test. Le’Veon Bell is becoming a threat on the ground too. The Steelers have lost 11 of their last 15 games but they always seem to beat Buffalo.
Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 4
Cincinnati Bengals (6-3) at Baltimore Ravens (3-5)
These two teams seem to suffer a crucial injury every week. Bengals defensive mammoth Geno Atkins was the latest to take a trip to the Injured Reserve list. The Raven’s season is perched perilously atop the chamber door now (YES!). Another loss and they could fall. Poor Baltimore. Things just ain’t been the same without Ray Lewis. Or Detective McNulty for that matter. How long until people start complaining about the Joe Flacco contract. It’s not his fault, but people always blame the dudes cashing them cheques when things get ugly.
Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 3
Carolina Panthers (5-3) at San Francisco 49ers (6-2)
Arrgh! This is NOT a good time for Carolina to have to go to San Fran. They’re on a roll, they’re winning games! Now they have to waste a week’s game and a month’s momentum by losing to the 49ers. Unless Riverboat Ron has some ingenious strategy up his sleeve…
Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 7
Houston Texans (2-6) at Arizona Cardinals (4-4)
Case Keenum is like a little next-gen Tony Romo. He scrambles, he can throw under pressure, he takes risks and he was undrafted. It’s a shame he’s so small. You could see a big difference having Houston play around a confident QB. Suddenly, guys are actually trying to block again, and what happens is they push Indianapolis right to the wire. OK, yeah, they should have won, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’m happy to go with the upset win here. You think Carson Palmer can throw with JJ Watt in his face? Think again, poindexter.
Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 3
Denver Broncos (7-1) at San Diego Chargers (4-4)
[Booming Movie Trailer Voice]
From the makers of ‘Brett Favre: American Hero’ and ‘Tommy Terrific and the Brady Bunch’ comes a brand new action packed blockbuster spectacle…
Two years ago a neck injury threatened to put an end to everything. They said he could never return. They said it was over. They were wrong…
They said this man was done too. That his arm strength was suffering, his accuracy gone. They said that six kids was enough. It wasn’t.
Peyton Manning.
Philip Rivers.
Two quarterbacks. Two teams. Two men. One game.
Broncos vs Chargers.
Will the Broncs buck the Bolts? Or will Chargers have too much power?
Don’t miss all the action - Live via your local Broadcasting Station merchants.
Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 14
Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at New Orleans Saints (6-2)
I think the Cowboys are better than most people think. They just seem to turn it on and off at random. Consistently inconsistent, as they say. And how typically Dallas would it be to beat New Orleans away after barely squeaking past Minnesota? Sadly for Jerry’s Army, it’s almost incomprehensible to think the Saints lose again after falling to the Jets. Both teams have trouble running the ball, but imagine this torched Dallas secondary against Drew Brees. That ain’t fair. Cowboys always keep it close though.
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 3
Miami Dolphins (4-4) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-8)
Well, you know what the TV commentators are gonna be talking about all game. Schoolyard bullying in an NFL locker room. Grown men acting like teenage boys. What a complete joke. What’s almost as bad is having the Tampa Bay Buccs playing in a prime-time TV slot. Here are some other things that are on USA TV at the same time that will out-rate this game:
The Big Bang Theory
The Voice
Mike & Molly
Parks & Rec Marathon
Dancing With the Stars
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Reruns of Full House
Teen Mom 3
Women’s College Basketball (Ok, maybe not this one…)
Wildcard’s Pick: Miami by 10
BYE WEEK: Cleveland Browns (4-5), Kansas City Chiefs (9-0), New England Patriots (7-2), New York Jets (5-4)
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache.
It was him.
In the conservatory.
With the revolver.