Last Week: 7-9

Miami Dolphins (8-6) at Buffalo Bills (5-9)

With only two weeks of regular season NFL to go, the stakes have never been higher. Seasons, reputations, careers and games are all on the line as the 32 teams tussle for a shot at eternal glory. Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. There will be cheers, jeers and projectile beer cups. Hearts will literally be broken. But how will it all conclude? We’re about to find out…

Huh. Well, this is an inglorious way to start the week. The Dolphins need the win, Buffalo will probably give them it. Moving right along now.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 10

Minnesota Vikings (4-9-1) at Cincinnati Bengals (9-5)

Literally millions of fantasy teams will be sweating on this game for the health of Adrian Peterson. Myself included. The Bengals are gonna win, so forget about that. The important thing is just that AD gets himself a hundy or so yards and a couple touchdowns. All DAY, son! Of course, if he’s still not fit, then you’ll be able to hear the game-time cries of pain for miles around.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 7

Dallas Cowboys (7-7) at Washington Professional Football Team (3-11)

Yeah, ok, better get this one over with. I’ll admit that as a Cowboys fan, I had a moment during half time last week (up 23-3 vs GB) where I thought, yes, we’ve got this in the bag. And if there’s one team in the world in any sport that lives to make fans rue their overconfidence (and, to be fair, under confidence too) then it’s this Cowboys team. Just ONCE I’d like them to win a game normally. JUST ONCE!

I know they’re the laughing stock of the NFL after these games (the fact that that’s a plural in itself is a disaster). Everyone likes to put the boot into Romo, Jerry Jones and the ‘boys. I’ve ranted myself out over the Green Bay loss already. They should beat an improved Washington Muppets team here at least, which means despite multiple late meltdowns the game week 17 vs Philly is a straight playoff for the playoffs. As a long suffering Cowboys fan though, I found myself seeking consolation deep in my iTunes library, rediscovering indie sad-sack/genius Conor Oberst and his (most famous) band Bright Eyes. Ain’t nothin’ like turn of the millennium indie rock to soothe an aching soul. Oberst actually wrote this about an overdose but he may as well have been a Cowboys fan:

I tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish..."

He stopped me and said, "Child I love you regardless

and there's nothing you could do that would ever change this.

I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again."

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 10

Indianapolis Colts (9-5) at Kansas City Chiefs (11-3)

Stat attack: Andrew Luck has never lost back to back games as a professional.

Stat attack implication: This means that the Colts should beat the Jaguars in week 17.

Fantasy football implication: For the sake of my team (Romosexual Tendencies), please don’t let Jamaal Charles have anything close to the kind of game he had last time. (Also let Peterson and Welker be fit).

Wildcard’s Pick: Luck isn’t everything – Chiefs by 7

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-10) at St Louis Rams (6-8)

I do like the revitalised Buccs. It’ll be interesting how both these teams look next season, with guys in key roles now who’ve popped up and done well as injury cover. Sam Bradford should be back for the Rams, Mike Glennon looks the goods in Tampa. The rest is up in the air. But as I say, the Buccs look good for the safety of mid-table obscurity. The Rams are already there, and beating New Orleans was probably the grand emotional finale of their season. All garbage time from here on.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccaneers by 7

Cleveland Browns (4-10) at New York Jets (6-8)

Oh, the existential limbo of the mediocre. The teams whose seasons are already over but for the trivialities of the final couple games. Neither of these two can improve their records to anything relevant. The Jets can get to .500 but what difference does that make? They’re both too good to be playing for a top draft pick yet too poor to be challenging the playoffs. This game is as meaningless as a politician’s promise. As worthless as a salad to Rex Ryan. As pointless as a broken pencil.

Wildcard’s Pick: Browns by 4

New Orleans Saints (10-4) at Carolina Panthers (10-4)

THIS game, however, is basically the grand final of the NFC South. Both teams deserve to be in the playoffs, hopefully they both will be too, but the winner here can get themselves a juicy second seed too. That means more to the Saints who are 7-0 at home this year. I think the St Louis loss was an anomaly for New Orleans. If the Cowboys don’t make it into the postseason, I’m adopting the Saints, who I think’ll go marching on with another win here. This is easily the best game of the day, and there are definitely some beauties. Don’t miss it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 3

Tennessee Titans (5-9) at Jacksonville Jaguars (4-10)

Did you know that before last week, there was still a chance for Jacksonville to make the playoffs? Yeah, me neither. They promptly lost, making the postseason an impossibility, so I didn’t have to bother checking that ‘fact’ for accuracy and parity was restored to our shared existences. No, but honestly, who cares what happens here? Not I.

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 3

Denver Broncos (11-3) at Houston Texans (2-12)

Hahahaha. The only reason to watch this is to see Peyton Manning break the TD record. Which he should do. I wonder if Houston drafts Clowney or tries to get a franchise QB. Oh man, imagine JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney on the same team…

Wildcard’s Pick: Denver by 16

New York Giants (5-9) at Detroit Lions (7-7)

Y’know, Detroit is fast gaining a reputation as Dallas 2.0. They’re getting crazily good at losing games that they shouldn’t. And Matthew Stafford is tied for third in the league for 2013 with 17 interceptions. Constant readers of this column will know just how much I rate Tony Romo, and why his reputation is completely unfair. But an unfortunate side effect of social media is that any idiot with a computer or a stolen iPhone can voice their spontaneous and exaggerated reactions to the world, while also being desperate to fit in and connect, so these retards all rehash each other’s boorish rants.  So we live in a culture of instant condemnation yet surprisingly lasting reputations. Gotta change the storyline, Matty, before the concrete dries. Luckily one of the two players with more interceptions than himself is Eli “Gives it away like a corner-street hooker” Manning – Stafford’s valiant opponent this week. Don’t forget the Lions (just like the Cowboys) are still in the playoff hunt.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 10

Arizona Cardinals (9-5) at Seattle Seahawks (12-2)

Seattle at home. Game over. Potentially season over for Arizona too. Funny thing is the Cardinals turned out to be a pretty decent team in the end, with Carson Palmer doing alright as a functioning NFL quarterback. My apologies for writing you off, Palmy. Unfortunately they play in a division with San Francisco and Seattle, meaning that a second wildcard spot is about their best outcome. The Cards play SF next week, so… 9-7, anyone?

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 6

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-8) at Green Bay Packers (7-6-1)

Aaron Rodgers, at the time of writing, still hasn’t been cleared to play, making this a tough game to call. Surely Green Bay, who actually have something to play for, can pull it out of the bag? Hell, if they could win from where they were last week in Dallas then they can win from anywhere. Steelers coach Mike Tomlin tried to spark some beef by standing by his decision to pick Le’Veon Bell over Eddie Lacy in the last draft, except that obviously he would say that because what else is he gonna say? That he hates his running back and wishes he’d pick the guy he’s playing against this week? If Le’Veon stops and thinks for a bit about this routine method of firing up his player with public reinforcement he’ll realise what an empty thing that is to say.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 3 (10 if #12 is playing)

Oakland Raiders (4-10) at San Diego Chargers (7-7)

The playoffs are still an outside chance for the Chargers, though in the very least they’ll need to win out. Oakland here should be pushovers. They gave the rest of a league (a bit late now, but still) a blueprint on how to not only beat them, but thoroughly dismantle them with how they failed to even come close to stopping Jamaal Charles. Philip Rivers, on current form, should pick them apart at will. He’s still leading the NFL in completion percentage (69.9%), and has looked great all year. Where last year he was missing targets and throwing interceptions, this time around he’s been super accurate. The Chargers have a fully functioning and efficient offence now. Whether or not it helps them against Kansas City next week is another matter. But, hey, you stay classy San Diego.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 17

New England Patriots (10-4) at Baltimore Ravens (8-6)

Massive playoff implications. The word massive always reminds me of Ali G. “West Staines Massiv… Aight!” - Damn that was a funny show. Did you know Seth Rogen used to write for Da Ali G Show? I wonder what Sacha Baron Cohen’s got in the works next… Anyway, Baltimore are skirting with mediocrity but they have that one intangible something that gets them over the line in close games, even if it takes a last ditch 61 yard field goal – they have a winning attitude. They know how to get over the line when it matters most. New England has it too, and though they couldn’t manage to pull it out of the bag against Miami, I still say gimme Tom Brady with the game on the line any day. I’m backing the high scoring Pats to outduel the 29th ranked offence in the league.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 6

Chicago Bears (8-6) at Philadelphia Eagles (8-6)

Please, please, please beat the Eagles, will you Chicago? Pretty Please? I know it doesn’t really matter to the Cowboys playoff hopes, but I’d like to know that the hiding we copped to you Bears wasn’t a fluke on your end. And, y’know, the Bears are turning into a team that are easy to root for. Alshon Jeffrey, dude. Is there anything that guy can’t catch? I bet he’s clocked Pokemon Red a hundred times. He’s the guy Wile E Coyote should be calling to catch Roadrunner. As much as I want to see Calvin Johnson in the playoffs, I’d rather see a team I both fear and respect get poached at home before our final game. Make ‘em look mortal, make ‘em look vulnerable. Maybe injure LeSean McCoy while you’re at it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 3

Atlanta Falcons (4-10) at San Francisco 49ers (10-4)

And to finish, a nice easy one to predict. It’d be a brave man who predicted that Washington, Atlanta and Houston, who all played (and in the latter two cases won) playoff games last year, to be at this stage a combined 9-33. Interesting too that RG3 and Schaub have copped most of the blame for their teams while Matt Ryan is getting off easy. Injuries haven’t helped Atlanta, but that hardly explains a turnaround this disastrous. New England has been every bit as unlucky with injuries and they’re a 10 win team already. San Francisco’ll run ‘em over here.

Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 13

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. Originally a popular, rising film star - he was twice nominated for Academy Awards (‘The Godfather 4: The Next Generation’ & ‘Fatal Killings’) - he ill advisedly ventured into directing with his 4 hour long magnum opus ‘Existential Insomnia’, which took 8 years to film before it was finally released, having almost bankrupted the studio with exorbitant production costs. The film was so badly received upon release (Roger Ebert called it the worst piece of trash he’d ever seen), that he faked his own death to escape the backlash. Now he writes NFL previews under an assumed name.