Last Week: 9-4

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (5-4)

Win or go home. It’s that simple and it’s that important for these two teams. If Matt Stafford hadn’t been able to flick in the winning pass on that final drive last week then the Dolphins might have a little more breathing room, but no deal.

The playoff picture in the AFC is brutal. Actually, it is in the NFC too, but bridges will be crossed at appropriate times. New England is winning the East. Now and come January. They already have 7 wins and they feel like a typical Brady/Belichick 11 or 12 win team. Assume that Denver and Indianapolis are winning divisions too and one of the bruisers in the North has to come out on top eventually. So Buffalo and Miami are competing for two Wildcard spots along with the entire North, Houston, Kansas City and San Diego.

Being the Wildcard, I feel I’m in a particularly entitled place to say how this’ll turn out. I say Kansas City make it, along with either these Dolphins or a filthy Northerner. It’ll take one of them blasting away their division rivals from here on to keep from dragging each other down but it could happen. I still like Baltimore and Pittsburgh have shown they’re capable of ravaging wins now and then.

It’s fair to say I have a grudge against Kyle Orton, but only because he’s useless bastard. He plays one game for the Cowboys and blows our playoff chances last season, screws Dallas around in the off season, then turns up to take Buffalo to the playoffs? Nah, not happening. He’ll get picked off three times by this Miami defence. The Dolphins are too good not to be still in contention come Christmas season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 5

Houston Texans (4-5) at Cleveland Browns (6-3)

So assuming that it’ll take at least 9 wins to get a wildcard then Houston are making reservations at the Last Chance Saloon. Ryan Mallet starts this game for better or worse, though it’s the health of Arian Foster that’ll be the key factor. He’s still day to day at the time of writing.

Speaking of key players, the Browns get Smokey Josh Gordon back next week, imagine adding that weapon to a 7-3 team!

I’ll be honest, I’m tossing up an upset. I really don’t trust the Browns, plus there’s always that chance that a new QB perks everyone up. The flipside is that Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallet worked together as backups in New England, so he’ll have an idea. The Browns secondary is superb but they’ve also had a cruisey schedule. The Bengals win and a 31-10 victory over the Steelers are their only impressive wins, and they lost to Jacksonville.

Yeah, screw it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 3

Atlanta Falcons (3-6) at Carolina Panthers (3-6-1)

Here’s the rough thing for fans of these teams: Because of the nature of this division, which the Saints lead with a 4-5 record, neither are actually out of contention yet. Not at all. If fans could just walk away now they’d be protected from the inevitable disappointment on the horizon. Neither of these teams are useless, neither are very good either.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 3

Cincinnati Bengals (5-3-1) at New Orleans Saints (4-5)

When have you ever seen a Hail Mary catch denied by offensive pass interference? Not something blatant either, just for pushing off. Yeah, technically it’s the right call, but the Saints can still be upset about that. I like them at home and I like them against the Bengals. All those injuries have caught up the Cincy, and Andy Dalton has the brutal task of bouncing back from one of the worst televised nights by a quarterback in history.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 7

Minnesota Vikings (4-5) at Chicago Bears (3-6)

An Elegy For Da Bears

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Close your eyes and think of ‘85

Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 6

Denver Broncos (7-2) at St Louis Rams (3-6)

The Broncos don’t lose games in which they’re favoured by more than a field goal. They don’t always cover but that’s only because people bet on them too much and the lines get blown out. Peyton Manning knows exactly what stage of his career he’s in and he knows just how close he came to never playing again after his neck surgeries (note the plural). He’s just trying to break as many records as possible in an offence designed by himself to perfectly fit himself. He’s eating at a restaurant where he wrote the menu.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 10

Seattle Seahawks (6-3) at Kansas City Chiefs (6-3)

Even Seattle’s mascots are unpredictable.

The KC Chiefs are definitely not getting enough respect and I think maybe they like it that way. Nothing galvanises a team more than a good old fashioned underdog tag. They put up the smokescreen in the week one loss to Tennessee and have been money ever since. Maybe not big money, but they always seem to cover.

The Chiefs’ rush defence sometimes has trouble with long field situations, but they’re the only team yet to conceded a rushing touchdown. The Seahawks are one of five in second with four given up.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 3

San Francisco 49ers (5-4) at New York Giants (3-6)

And now Patrick Willis is hurt. Another key 49ers player out, but the good news is that Aldon Smith is back. Smith is a hardcase, yet he’s always been great on the field - he’s an upgrade on basically every linebacker in the NFL. Also, NaVarro Bowman should be back soon, too. The Niners, who even knows with them? There’s a good chance they miss the playoffs for the first time since 2010 with Arizona and Seattle both above them and Dallas and Philly probably hogging a wildcard spot between each other. Still, even if they do I figure they’ll run ‘em close.

The Seahawks drew up the blueprint to beat the Giants last week: Run the football. Frank Gore’s only had 20+ carries in a game twice this season, if he makes it three they’ll win.

Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8) at Washington Pro Football Team (3-6)

Pirates vs Racists. This is one for the immoral amongst us. So, lawyers, convicted felons and league commissioners.

Just a thought: If the R**skins changed their name to any other colour, is it acceptable? Whiteskins, Blackskins, Greenskins, Yellowskins, Blueskins, Greyskins, Purpleskins, Pinkskins, Crimsonskins, etc. Even with a connotation-less colour it’s still a dumb name. Although Blueskins I could maybe live with.

Wildcard’s Pick: WPFT by 4

Oakland Raiders (0-9) at San Diego Chargers (5-4)

Only one team has ever gone 0-16 in the history of the current NFL format. 10 other teams have had zero win seasons (excluding those with fewer than 8 games), two of them with a tie in there.

• You have the 1982 Baltimore Colts, who went 0-8-1 in a strike shortened season. They drafted John Elway with the first pick they got from that dump of a year, though he was so against the idea of playing for a team that bad that he threatened to take up a baseball contract with the Yankees if they didn’t trade him. He was on the Denver Broncos soon after.
• The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost all 14 games in their debut season, going on to lose the first 12 of the next season before beating the New Orleans Saints in the 27th game of their existence. Saints QB Archie Manning (father of Peyton and Eli… and that other guy) had said it’d be ‘disgraceful’ to lose to this team. They did.
• The Dallas Cowboys also went winless in their first season, 1960, at 0-11-1 (a 31-all tie with the Giants in their second to last game). You have to go back before the Second World War ended for the next few 0-fors.
• The Brooklyn Tigers went 0-10 in 1944. Struggling for survival they merged with the Boston Yanks the following season and split off into a rival league in 1946. They were suspended and all of their players assigned to the Yanks before merging back with a replacement Brooklyn team in 1949. Which itself folded a year later.
• In 1943 the Chicago Cardinals went 0-10. Due to players shortages with the war on, the Cardinals merged with the Pittsburgh Steelers the following season… and went 0-10. These were the same Cardinals that are now placed in Arizona, and the Cards and Steelers actually played each other in Superbowl XLIII 64 years later.
• The 1942 Detroit Lions lost all 11 games, making them the only franchise with multiple zippo seasons of more than 10 games each (the Card-Pitt team counts as its own thing).
• The Cincinnati Reds of 1934 lost their first 8 games before folding midseason.
• The Columbus Panhandles of 1922 lost all 8 games, then changed their name to the Tigers in 1923… and lost all 9 games.

And meanwhile we have the 2014 Oakland Raiders. 0-9 and over half way there. Courtesy of google, here are their remaining fixtures.

Every one of those teams will back themselves against the Raiders. The thing is the Raiders aren’t even that bad. Not 0-16 bad anyway. They have some very good players, but a deep-set losing culture. Theirs has been a ruthless schedule though. Every team they’ve played so far, with the exception of the 4-5 Texans, currently has a winning record. I reckon they might sneak one against the Bills/Rams/49ers, but not against the Chargers, who need this win like Aloe Blacc needs a dollar. Like The Beatles need Love.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 10

Detroit Lions (7-2) at Arizona Cardinals (8-1)

Looking at that, you can be forgiven for writing the Cards off with Drew Stanton as the starter for the rest of the season. I’m not so sure, though. The completion percentage is terrible, but a chunk of that is down to getting slaughtered by the Broncos in week 5. He also started against the Giants (where 4 NYG turnovers decided the game) and the 49ers in his best performance, with 2 TDs and 244 yards from 18-33 passing. Nothing special, but his two third quarter TD passes helped the Cardinals outscore the Niners 17-0 in the second half. He’s capable of doing juuuust enough to win games, so long as his stunningly coached defence keeps getting turnovers.

Against the Lions though, I’m sceptical. They turn it over, but they also reciprocate. Also Calvin Johnson is fit and Matt Stafford has a habit of winning close, late games.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 4

Philadelphia Eagles (7-2) at Green Bay Packers (6-3)

The Mark Sanchez resurgence was cool while it lasted. You know who wasn’t so impressed? Aaron Rodgers. His season passer rating is over 120 now, within touching distance of the NFL record 122.5 he posted in 2011, his MVP season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 10

New England Patriots (7-2) at Indianapolis Colts (6-3)

Hmm. Two teams who I usually lean on for wins against the kind of teams that each of them are. This is a conundrum.

Wildcard’s Pick: The Patriots usually win in prime time games, I’ll have ‘em by 5

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4) at Tennessee Titans (2-7)

Every single team in the AFC North not only has a winning record, but they’re all two wins above .500. It’s a furiously fought division with no standout team but also no weak teams. The Bengals threatened to be good for a while until Tom Brady broke them, Cleveland are still the Browns even if they’re winning games and Baltimore have been up and down all season. And the Steelers… two enormous wins in a row then they lose to the Jets. Explain that to me, someone. Anyone?

We’re talking about the NEW YORK JETS, for God’s sake!

I’m still picking the Steelers, though. By the way, keep an eye on the Ben Roethlisberger vs Zach Mettenberger battle. Not so much for competition, but more for the novelty. We’ll call it the Berger Bowl.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 14

BYE: Baltimore Ravens (6-4), Dallas Cowboys (7-3), Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9), New York Jets (2-8)

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He became an NFL prediction columnist after previous careers paths as a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman, a Pet Detective, a Medical Experiment Dummy and the quarterback of the New York Jets all failed.