Last Week: 13-3

Season: 151-72-1

Tennessee Titans (2-12) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-12)

First off I have an apology to make. I didn’t meet my deadline last week for this column. It wasn’t my fault, I swear, you just gotta believe me! I TRIED SO HARD!

Ok, nah, my laptop broke was the real problem. A pretty legit one though. You’ll just have to take my word for it that I absolutely slaughtered it with a 13-3 week – and that was after I picked TNF wrong! I have proof of it all, I scribbled them down on a piece of paper that’s currently residing somewhere in the general vicinity of the scrambled mess that was once called my desk. The piece of paper isn’t time-dated or anything, so you’d still need to trust me. I could have gotten it notarised but I mean, come on. Have a little faith, there’s magic in the night.

Right, what’ve we got first? Titans at Jags? No bloody thank you.

Wildcard’s Pick: Jaguars by 3

Philadelphia Eagles (9-5) at Washington Pro Football Team (3-11)

I wish this were Shady McCoy taking shots but unfortunately it seems friendly enough. He’s even generous enough to still refer to RGIII as a R**skins player. The Eagles need this win and they’ll probably get it easy.

Wildcard’s Pick: Eagles by 17

San Diego Chargers (8-6) at San Francisco 49ers (7-7)

I will not pick the 49ers again this season and I haven’t picked them for a few weeks anyway. I’d give it a 2% chance that Jeff Harbaugh is still there next season. When reports suggest he’s considering a college coaching offer, you know you’ve lost him. Oh, and Ray McDonald’s in trouble with the law again. And he’s been released. What a dumbass.

This team’s in freefall.​

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 10

Baltimore Ravens (9-5) at Houston Texans (7-7)

Here’s my latest effort on the old ESPN Playoff Machine.

No place for the Eagles, Chiefs or Chargers but the Ravens sneak in with 11 wins. I guess that means they’re winning this game – it’s written in prophecy!

Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 7

Detroit Lions (10-4) at Chicago Bears (5-9)

Oh, Jay. Where did it all go wrong?

Jeez, I’m sorry I asked. Sensitive bugger.

That’s the way it goes, though, isn’t it? You can only live with the Bears for so long before they eventually tear you to shreds. Werner Herzog taught me that. “I beleeve ze common demoninaytor of ze univearse iz not harmonee, but chaos, hostility and murder”​

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 6

Cleveland Browns (7-7) at Carolina Panthers (5-8-1)

10/18 - 80 yards - 0 TDs - 2 INTs

Remember that stat line. That was Johnny Manziel’s debut as a starter in the National Football League. For better or for worse (usually the latter) this guy is the new Tim Tebow. Outstanding college player, massive media presence… questionable ability. Except Manziel has a future where Tebow has a playoff win.

Does anyone think maybe the Cleveland coaches threw Manziel in at the deep end to shame him? Mike Pettine’s been pretty supportive of Brian Hoyer in the past, even with his struggles it was a surprise to see him dropped. Not that he didn’t deserve it, just that it was a surprise that Mike Pettine did it. Johns Elway and Fox did the same thing to Tebow, throwing him in at the deep end to publically shame him… and he went and beat Pittsburgh in the playoffs. The Broncos replaced him anyway… with Peyton Manning.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 5

Green Bay Packers (10-4) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)

Think of the children, won’t somebody think of the children!

Oh wait, children don’t live in Florida, only retired people.

I guess you can think of the poor, freezing children of Wisconsin, but they have an amazing football team to warm their hearts.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 25

Kansas City Chiefs (8-6) at Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5)

A win here and the Steelers are in the playoffs. The Chiefs need to win twice to make it, the Steelers can still get there by beating the Bengals next week. Anyway, read this if you’re interested in that.

I like the Steelers as smokies for a playoff run. Good running back, experienced QB. That’ll do ya. Le'Veon Bell has nearly 1300 yards in only his second season. That’s impressive. He’s at a crazy 4.9 yards per carry after 262 of them, and he only dropped under 5 after a stuttering day in Atlanta last week (which was unexpected to say the least).

Sorry Chiefs fans. Throw a TD to a wide receiver and then maybe I’ll reconsider.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 6

Minnesota Vikings (6-8) at Miami Dolphins (7-7)

I reckon the Dolphs have another couple wins in ‘em. The strides Ryan Tannehill has made this season have been superb. He’s a clever, efficient pocket passer and ‘Game Manager’ (that old cliché), who has rockets in his shoes and rushes well. People think the read-option QB is dying a slow death, it’s actually more that it doesn’t work without a threat through the air as well. Like any offensive strategy, the key is not to be predictable. Anyway, check these numbers.

Look at that steady Passer Rating increase. The TD-INT ratios. The completion percentage. The number of sacks! They’re protecting him! He’s also rushed a career high 316 yards. Miami has a quarterback. As Forrest Gump would say, that’s one less thing to worry about.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 10

New England Patriots (11-3) at New York Jets (3-11)

This is a pointless one to even try explain. So instead here’s Rob Gronkowski cuddling a little kitty cat.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 50

Atlanta Falcons (5-9) at New Orleans Saints (6-8)

Oh, no. You’re not getting me to talk about these two teams again. No siree Bob. (Who’s Bob?)

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 7

New York Giants (5-9) at St Louis Rams (6-8)

It’s weird. When the Giants were winning, I hated them more than anything. I wanted nothing more than to see them lose and lose miserably – even more than I wanted the Cowboys to win! (Hey, we were gonna lose anyway). But now that it’s happening, and the wheels are falling off, I don’t really care. What’s wrong with me! Where’s my sense of schadenfreude gone!? The things I thought I wanted, they don't mean nearly as much now that I have them.

The Rams will be a side to reckon with when they get a stable quarterback. I’m still not ruling Sam Bradford out as that man.

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 6

Buffalo Bills (8-6) at Oakland Raiders (2-12)

As much as Buffalo need to win this game, that’s how unlikely it is that Oakland will win.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 10

Indianapolis Colts (10-4) at Dallas Cowboys (10-4)

I had this down as a fairly easy win for the Cowboys. It looks like it should be a close one based on records but the Patriots laid out the blueprint to the rest of the league on how to beat the Colts: RUN THE BALL!

The Pats win over Indy was the game where that random fella ran for 200 yards (then missed a team meeting and didn’t play for the next two weeks). So clearly that favours Dallas and their ‘Balanced Offence’, as the experts say. Sure the porous secondary might get torched by Mr Luck but DeMarco and Co. can keep him off the field.

That was all before his hand surgery this week. Now Murray’s in a race to be fit. It’s only his hand, so his explosion, his strength, his balance… none of that should be affected. Just his ability to withstand pain (not an issue) and his ability to physically hold the ball, which is an issue. I’m gonna bank on the O-Line getting Joseph Randle enough room to be an ersatz Murray, though I think DeMarco still plays some part. He’s a free agent next season and they need the win – they don’t care about the long term.

Also another late season meltdown from the Cowboys may just kill me.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 7

Seattle Seahawks (10-4) at Arizona Cardinals (11-3)

Yo. Have you guys heard the new D’Angelo album yet? It’s amazing. Don’t know about waiting 14 years for it but it’s still amazing. 14 years ago the Seahawks and Cardinals had 9 total wins between them. Since then they’ve each changed divisions, the Hawks have changed conference, they have 8 combined playoff appearances and 3 Superbowl appearances. The Seahawks even won one!

Both of them will be heading back to the playoffs, and this game probably decides in what order. The Cardinals are the best coached team in the NFL and have found a way to win tight games better than anyone else. The Seahawks are defending champs with the best defence in the league. If Arizona weren’t down to their third string starter I might just give them the tip. But they are so I won’t.

Seattle are peaking at the perfect moment. A rare repeat could be on the cards…

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 3s

Denver Broncos (11-3) at Cincinnati Bengals (9-4-1)

The Bengals may have found the solution to their occasional offensive nightmares… run the ball! Except that against Peyton Manning in primetime is not cutting corners. He wants to win the title and he wants quickest path there. Top seed may be out of his reach but not the second seed. Denver’s been waiting all season to show us what they learned in Superbowl XVWHATEVERTHEYREUPTOXVXVIII. Get ready, people.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 10

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He waited 14 years to release his album too, but the world still wasn’t ready for another Pokemon rap.