Last Week: 4-10

Season: 84-60

Tennessee Titans (2-7) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6)

Right, that’s it. After last week’s disaster of picks (which included both of the two dumbest late penalty calls to cost a team victory that I’ve ever seen or at least can remember – Jeff Heath and Elvis Dumerville, you’re not living those down), the time has come for me to accept that I’m not going to make the NFL Prediction Playoffs. There’s just too much that’s gone wrong, too much bad luck and too many tough breaks. So it goes. I’m still in with a chance here, looking at the CBC Sports muppets, for example, none of those lads (they’re all lads) did better than 7-7 straight up and one was even worse than I was, haha. Last year I went 170-85-1, that would’ve had me at third in their dumb group. This year my 84 correctos has me last and there’s no reason to think I’m doing better over wider horizons either. I’ve gotta be realistic. That’s why I’ve decided to tank the rest of the season.

I’m not sure what the reward is, there’s no draft for NFL pickers. Maybe you get first look at all that cheeky inside info that those daily fantasy crooks have up their sleeves? Maybe the NFL changes one rule of your choice? Maybe they pay you out so you can update your scouting network? Whatever the benefit is, I’m going for it.

I’ve studied the Philadelphia 76ers and other such teams very closely and I can say that I have zero faith in long term tanking. But where it does seem to work well is on those one-off down seasons. A couple injuries, an aligning of the planets, and – hooray – you’ve drafted Tim Duncan or Andrew Luck or someone. So be aware that this will be a single season strategy. As for the nature of the tanking, well, there’s no reason to go out there and just pick the opposite of what I think or based on last week I’ll actually get better. So what I’m doing instead is indulging my worst instincts. Which means, yes, I will be picking the Dallas Cowboys in every remaining game. I’ll still be taking the obvious favourites but no longer will I labour over the tight ones or hesitate on that cheeky upset I feel in the pit of my stomach. Hey and if I should rocket back into contention, then maybe I start going serious again, but in the meantime this is the strategy that best secures the long-term future of this NFL Prediction Column.

First game, Thursday night special… oh. Oh God. Oh DEAR GOD NO! Tennessee at Jacksonville!?

Wildcard’s Pick: Jags by 0.1

St Louis Rams (4-5) at Baltimore Ravens (2-7)

Hmm. How do you tank a game like this? Well the Rams are clearly the more talented team (big fan of their defence over here, not to mention Toddy Gurley) but they’re starting a backup QB on the road. The Ravens have lost seven times already every game they’ve played has been within eight points. Ordinarily I’d take the Ravens. But I’m tanking. So I’ll take the Rams.

COME ON KEENUM, YOU CAN DO IT!

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by eight or less

Dallas Cowboys (2-7) at Miami Dolphins (4-5)

Alright, I’m sold. Welcome back Tony, congrats on the 7-0 finish you’re about to inspire.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 5

Washington R**skins (4-5) at Carolina Panthers (9-0)

When I said I’d still pick the obvious ones, this is what I meant. Not only will I never cheer for the R**skins, but there’s also actually no chance of them winning here. It’d be going against my moral and intellectual compass to suggest anything otherwise. Cousins was great last week – that was vs the Saints. He’ll be bad this week.

As for the Panthers, can everyone stop complaining about Cam Newton’s TD dancing? Like he says himself: you don’t like it, don’t let him score.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 12

Denver Broncos (7-2) at Chicago Bears (4-5)

Poor old Peyton. My question is: Do the Broncos rate Brock Osweiler as the probable future dude of the franchise? Coz if they do then this isn’t really any different than playing Johnny Manziel over Josh McClown. And if that’s true then there’s plenty more ammunition for the ‘Don’t Chuck Young QBs In At The Deep End’ school of thought. I kinda doubt it, though, just like I doubt the Patriots think Jimmy Garropalumps might be the new Brady.

By the way, there’s absolutely no way we can pass any judgement on Ossie until we see him throw in the first quarter on an NFL game. Seriously, this fella’s tossed 54 times in his career. This is a complete smokey.

One more thing on Peyton: No matter how much he struggles, opposing teams are always gonna treat him with a little too much respect. This is a 38 year old, already banged up after career-threatening neck surgery. This will also be the first start he misses in his career that wasn’t because of said career-threatening neck surgery.

Wildcard’s Pick: BEARS BY 3!!!

Oakland Raiders (4-5) at Detroit Lions (2-7)

Eh, the Lions had their big one last week. The Raiders haven’t had a streak of more than two either way all season and they’ve lost two straight. They’re due.

Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 7

New York Jets (5-4) at Houston Texans (4-5)

(No, that's not Rob Ryan after losing 30 kgs and meeting with his brother for a gig in NY - but it could be in time...)

Wildcard’s Pick: Jets by 6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5) at Philadelphia Eagles (4-5)

Jameis Winston was a ridiculously stupid holding call (The Dallas Cowboys, folks, what more can be said?) from literally fumbling the game away at the one yard line last week. He wasn’t even touched! Of course there’s no way that the Cowboys could possibly benefit from such a lucky break, hence the flag, and Jameis got to be the hero after all. I haven’t decided if I like him or not yet but I’m very tempted. It’s just the dumbass college days things that are holding me back. Luckily for him (he’s full of it this week) I happen to hate the Eagles and that’s enough for me to tip those Buccs. No Sam Bradford – that’s definitely a good thing for one of these teams but it’s hard to say which one.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccaneers by 5

Indianapolis Colts (4-5) at Atlanta Falcons (6-3)

No Andrew Luck? TANK TANK TANK. 

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 3

Kansas City Chiefs (4-5) at San Diego Chargers (2-7)

Strap yourselves in, people, here’s my favourite tanking pick of the lot of them. I’m takin' the Chargers. Yup, the same team with five straight losses, whose only wins have come against the Browns and the Lions. But remember that they still have Philip Rivers and he’s still pretty good, on pace for about a billion passing yards this season. The Chiefs beat the Broncos last week but they did so thanks to Peyton Manning gifting them field possession and the ball. It won’t come so easily against a team that’ll at least move the ball (so long as their O-Line provides at least a hint of protection, which they don’t often do).

Oh, and they’re retiring LT’s jersey at half-time, that’s inspiration enough.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 7

Green Bay Packers (6-3) at Minnesota Vikings (7-2)

It’s pretty clear what you wanna do to stop the Vikings: quit letting them run. They have the top ranked rushing offence in terms of yards gained and Adrian Peterson is quietly back to where he left off. Very quietly, really, I think people are both wary to say nice things about him just yet and also secretly unsold on the Vikes as well. Their passing game has been poor, but it hasn’t needed to be much more than that.

The Packers have dropped three in a row including last week at home to the Lions who they hadn’t lost to at home since… a long time ago:

Their run game has capitulated, their WRs are playing terribly (really missing Jordy about now) and even their illustrious QB has looked a bit wild.

Ah, but here’s the thing: He owns the Vikings. He owned the Lions too, but everybody gets a mulligan every 25 years or so.

Rodgers vs Minnesota: 10-4 W-L, 71.2% pass comp, 31 TDs & 4 INTs, 119.0 QBR.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 4

San Francisco 49ers (3-6) at Seattle Seahawks (4-5)

Another blind one where there’s no way I can take the underdog. Having said that… whassup with the Seahawks?

Not that much, really. They’re under .500 and they’re fast losing ground on the Cardinals. But they’re losing to good teams, the Rams, Packers, Bengals, Panthers and those Cards. Those last two losses coming at home is a problem for the mythical status of the Twelfth Man but they were close games, every one of them. At some point you have to be beating teams as good as or better than you if you wanna go deep however I’m backing them to get to at least 9 wins all the same. That’s gonna put them close to wherever the Falcons and Packers end up in the wildcard race – every other team is either leading their division right now or has an equal or worse record to the ‘hawks. Far from out of this thing.

The Niners, they’re out of it. Cannot possibly imagine them getting anywhere near the playoffs and that’s been the case for a long time. Wonder what Colin Kaepernick’s up to? Jamming beats with Jarryd Hayne on the scout team, probably.

Other teams that can be unequivocally written out of the playoffs in what has been a ridiculously unpredictable season:

• Detroit Lions
• San Diego Chargers
• Cleveland Browns
• Baltimore Ravens

And that’s it. The Ravens and Chargers have great QBs too. The Lions have possibly the greatest WR in history (wouldn’t be an argument if he’d played with Rodgers or Brady or Manning). Nobody in the AFC South or NFC East can be written off at all and with a handful of teams hogging all the wins, no current four win team is out of reckoning because there could easily be an 8-8 wildcard spot.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 12

Cincinnati Bengals (8-1) at Arizona Cardinals (7-2)

Call this one the Carson Bowl. C. Palmer’s new lads hosting the team that he was once the face of, breaking franchise records, before famously declaring that he’d retire if they didn’t trade him. Big beef with the owner and Parsons never backed down. He got his wish and turned up on the Raiders for a couple of stinker years before being traded to the Cardinals where he’s played arguably the best football of his career – he’s won 20 of his last 24 starts.

But maybe the bigger story is the Bengals trying to bounce back from finally giving the naysayers their platter-served meal by losing to the Texans in primetime. Whoops. Mind that banana peel there, Andy.

For anyone arguing that the Bengals could do whatever they wanted during the regular season, go 16-0 even, but none of it mattered until they proved they could win in the playoffs, well… this was a chunky log for the fire. And it doesn’t help when Dalton starts acting like a baby coz J.J. Watt sassed him to the TV cameras – it’s the same as the Cam Newton thing, you’re being silly if you think that’s bad entertainment. How about the concussions and the thumping hits? There’s your bad entertainment. Sassy talk between athletes is good entertainment. We want more beefs! We want more rivalries! And, yes, Carson Palmer vs the Bengals is a great start.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardies by 6 for Carson’s sake

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at New England Patriots (9-0)

Why hello there, Tom. GQ Man of the Year, I see. Rreeooww.

Wait… is that a sweatpants suit? Urgh, God. Fine, I’m taking the upset then.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 2

BYE: Cleveland Browns (2-8), New Orleans Saints (4-6), New York Giants (5-5), Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4)

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He drinks less milk than Ben Roethlisberger. He also drinks a lot more tea than that fella. They’re about level on beer, per reports