Last Week: 13-3

Season: 115-77

Minnesota Vikings (8-4) at Arizona Cardinals (10-2)

Oh, well hey now. 13-3 last week! Season’s best, time to make a late, unlikely run for the playoffs – there’s still time. Man, this is just like the Dallas Cowboys, rubbish results over and over and then one good week and suddenly back in contention. I’d rather be like the Kansas City Chiefs to be honest, six wins in a row and absolutely rolling despite being written off completely two months back. The three games I picked wrong: Pats losing to the Eagles, SF49s OT win over the Bears and Jameis Winston converting a third-and-19 on his feet to score a late win for the Buccs over the Falcons. I was *that* close to a perfect week…

Both of these teams have had some good weeks, but week 13 was a stark contrast. The Cards keep winning on the back of the league’s best offence. That’s 24 Ws in Carson Palmer’s last 27 starts now! But the Vikes had their fine run of form busted up in comprehensive fashion by the Seattle Seahawks, who are probably the team they’re most built to imitate. A powerful defence, a dominant running game and a quick-footed young QB. As it happens, Russell Wilson is a far better pocket passer than Teddy Bridgewater.

To be honest, I reckon I’d back the Cardinals at home against anyone, Carolina included.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 8

Buffalo Bills (6-6) at Philadelphia Eagles (5-7)

Each team is now 75% through their season with only four games remaining. Byes are all done. There are no more second chances. So with that, here we have two teams still battling for the playoffs as the Bills look to catch a break in the AFC Wildcard race and the Eagles try to build on beating the Patriots by sticking around in the worst division in football – more on that travesty later.

Right now, one team has already clinched their division. The 12-0 Carolina Panthers, lock ‘em in. The Cardinals, Patriots, Bengals and Broncos are all on the verge of doing the same, each of them with 10 wins and at least a three game buffer. The divisions still up for grabs are the AFC South, where the Colts and Texans are each at 6-6 (with Jacksonville at 4-8 and still in with a slight chance if they can beat the Colts this week), the NFC North where the Packers and Vikings each have eight wins and they play each other in week 17 and the aforementioned NFC East.

The Wildcard races (why yes, I am a naming sponsor, thanks for asking) look as thus:

AFC

Pitty Steelers 7-5

NY Jetbags 7-5

KC Chieftains 7-5

Buff Bills 6-6

Colts/Texans 6-6

NFC

Packers/Vikings 8-8

Seattle Seahawks 7-5

TB Buccs 6-6

ATL Falcons 6-6

The Bills got back on track with a good win over the Texans last week and they need this one more. The Eagles, they’re a crap band and a crap football team. Holding on against a Pats team ravaged by injury doesn’t change that. Plus I’m crazy keen on the idea of a fired up LeSean McCoy against the team that unexpectedly traded him away in the offseason:

"Man, listen. I'm not talking to Chip. We got nothing to talk about. He can't call me. He can't shake my hand. There's nothing he can do with me. He can't say shit to me. It's as simple as that. I don't dislike him. I don't have nothing against him. But there's nothing for us to talk about. And he knows that, he knows me, he know how I act. There's nothing he can tell me. There's nothing he can talk about." – LS

OH SNAP. Just don’t tell Herm Edwards coz he’s not so keen on these modern selfish players…

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 3

Seattle Seahawks (7-5) at Baltimore Ravens (4-8)

It seems like the Seahawks have really levelled out this season. They used to be a defensive powerhouse who scored just enough points but in trading for Jimmy Graham (and holding out on Km Chancellor, etc.) they were making their intentions pretty clear. Graham’s out for the year now but the offensive ideals are taking hold all the same. On the flipside, trading away a very good C in Max Unger to get him has meant for some crappy O-line play, which is where Russell Wilson’s ability to scramble comes into play, I guess. He’s second only to Cam Newton in rush yards for QBs (and it’s bloody close, 476 yds to 450).

And across the last three games, Wilson has been lights out fantastic. Like, 86% completion from the pocket kinda fantastic, with at least three TDs in each of those games fantastic and not a single interception in that time fantastic. We shouldn’t be too shocked, he has a career record of 13-2 in December.

Wildcard’s Pick: Make it 14-2, Seahawks by 10

San Francisco 49ers (4-8) at Cleveland Browns (2-10)

Hand me the remote, let’s see what else is on.

Wildcard’s Pick: Browns by 3

Atlanta Falcons (6-6) at Carolina Panthers (12-0)

You know, Matt Ryan has never had a better set of receivers than he does this season. He’s never had a running game so effective. His defence is playing a bit better and his offensive line is doing more than enough. Which begs the question: Why has Matty Ice been so bad then?

…

Yeah I don’t really know either.

But I’ve watched the Panthers play the last two weeks in full and I can honestly say that they deserve to be unbeaten. The Saints came at them, a tough division rival, and gave them every opportunity to slip up and yet even with the first and fourth ranked WRs in dropped catches this season – and Ted Ginn Jr. dropped at least one sure-thing touchdown – they still found a way to win on their worst defensive day. Because let’s get this one thing straight: this defence is much better than that. This defence is as good as any in the NFL.

Cam Newton gets all the credit and he deserves it, probably now the frontrunner for MVP with the Patriots slowing down. I mean, Brady’s performance has dropped considerably whenever Gronk or Amendola hasn’t been there for him. Yet look what Cam’s working with.

Having said that, this is as well-rounded a team as there is, short of maybe the Bengals. Here are a few other names that deserve much more recognition:

Greg Olsen, TE – GO’s 917 receiving yards are second only to Gronk among TEs. With a WR team with hands like butter, Olsen is Mr Reliable, he’s the guy that Newton looks to when he needs that key third-and-long.

Jonathan Stewart, RB – With 914 yards rushing, Stewie does the tough stuff. He’s a battering ram of a runner which complements lovely with Newton’s speed and elusiveness. No team has more first downs on the ground than the Panthers’ 101.

Luke Kuechly, LB – Possibly the best inside linebacker in football. Panthers fans would tell you so at least. A magnificent tackler with an almost prescient way of reading a play as it develops.

Kurt Coleman, S – Second only to Reggie Nelson of Cincy in interceptions, that’s because Coleman has incredibly gone four consecutive games with a pick. He’s a playmaker in the secondary, pure and simple.

Michael Oher, LT – A quality blocker, one in his first season with the team and one that’s flown right under the radar. Which is perfect, because his whole job is to protect his QB’s blindside, so if he’s getting noticed it’s because Cam’s getting sacked. He also happens to be the dude that they based that Blindside film on with Sandy Bullock. So there ya go.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 7

Washington R**skins (5-7) at Chicago Bears (5-7)

Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 6

Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5) at Cincinnati Bengals (10-2)

That’s a baller tweet there, Tyler. Good on ya.

This is one of the most fascinating games of the week, with Cincy looking like genuine Super Bowl contenders (granted with an asterisk since the bright lights seem to scare them) and the Steelers really needing this win.

They do, the Steelers. At 7-5 they need to win at least three of their final four games to get that wildcard spot because it’s pretty unlikely that they catch these Bengals in the division. It’ll be impossible if they lose. And if they do go down then there’s a good chance that they go slip-sliding out of the playoffs because of the run that the Chiefs are on (and who’ll probably win out), the Jets looking for their eighth win and the Bills and Texans hovering around too. That’s a fair few teams all vying for what’s likely to be one spot (already giving one to KC). The Steelers play the Broncos next week.

But having said that, when you have Ben Roethlisberger throwing to Antonio Brown and Martavis Bryant then you can beat most any team on your day. Even the Bengals who might be the best team in the AFC.

Wildcard’s Pick: I don’t think they will, though, Bengals by 6

Detroit Lions (4-8) at St Louis Rams (4-8)

Ten questions about this game:

1. Who gets fired first: Jim Caldwell or Jeff Fisher?
2. How exactly do the Lions bounce back from losing to a Hail Mary pass last week?
3. Who won the Foles/Bradford trade?
4. Most yards from scrimmage here: Todd Gurley or Calvin Johnson?
5. Which of these two teams is more disappointing at only four wins?
6. Why was Calvin Johnson not on the field for that Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary?
7. What will the STL defence have left without T.J. McDonald or Robert Quinn?
8. Will Case Keenum actually be able to complete a few passes, maybe throw a TD?
9. Will either of these teams really care?
10. Am I completely insane for picking the dysfunctional home team?

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 3

Indianapolis Colts (6-6) at Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8)

The Colts have won 16 divisional games in a row, without a loss since 2012.

That’ll do me.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 10

San Diego Chargers (3-9) at Kansas City Chiefs (7-5)

What happened, Chargers? What ever happened?

The Chiefs have won six on the trot and that includes a 33-3 win in San Diego. KC will not be rewarding.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 8

New Orleans Saints (4-8) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6)

Take your pick:

Jameis Winston: 12 starts, 6 wins, 221 of 377 passes at 58.6%, 2877 yards, 17 TDs, 11 INTs, 85.6 passer rating, 3 game-winning drives (plus 157 rush yards and 5 rush TD at 3.8 y/a)

Marcus Mariota: 10 starts, 3 wins, 206 of 325 passes at 52.4%, 2512 yards, 19 TDs, 9 INTs, 95.1 passer rating, 2 GWD (plus 249 rush yards and 2 rush TDs at 8y/a)

Todd Gurley’s fallen off the truck the last month or so. Which means whoever you pick is your selection for Offensive Rookie of the Year. For what it means, I’m going with Winston even though he’s down on most of those numbers. A couple of reasons for that, first of all Winston’s been the better runner (of two superbly athletic QBs), but Mariota’s 87 yarder last game swings the stat lines. Winston’s also shown more playmaking ability while Mariota’s been limited in what he’s been allowed to do by his offence. And I just think you should reward wins most of all.

Bear in mind that Mariota smashed him head to head in week one, though. Also, week 13 was the first time that both of these men won in the same week.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccs by 6

Tennessee Titans (3-9) at New York Jets (7-5)

Speaking of Mariota, here he is about to lose again. The Jets got so lucky with their win over the Giants last week, what a mental finish that was. It might also spur their season on into the playoffs now. An amazingly important W.

Wildcard’s Pick: Jets by 10

Oakland Raiders (5-7) at Denver Broncos (10-2)

When you realise that your team is once again gonna finish without a winning record for the thirteenth consecutive season:

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 11

Dallas Cowboys (4-8) at Green Bay Packers (8-4)

Right, so let’s talk about the NFC East. As of now all four teams are within a win of each other. Three of them have 5-7 records and the Cowboys are at 4-8. The best imaginable record is that either the Eagles, Giants or R**skins win out and finish 9-7. More likely is that they keep on trading away wins for losses and we get – at best – an 8-8 team in the playoffs. That’d be the ninth time that that’s ever happened. Only two teams have made the postseason with a worse record:

1. 2010 Seahawks, 7-9
2. 2014 Panthers, 7-8-1

We have a legitimate chance, folks, of the NFL’s first ever 6-10 playoff team. And here’s the kicker: They’d have a HOME playoff game! The NBA ditched that stupid loophole of a rule this season and if this happens then you can guarantee that the NFL are gonna have the conversation too (not that they’re all that good at taking positive action). What a disaster.

The Cowboys can still make the playoffs, despite all the odds, so at this stage I may as well ride the wagon. All I wanted a month ago was for this stupid season to finally end and yet here we are with four games left and the Cowboys, at 4-8, are still in with a legitimate chance. JUST DIE ALREADY! I DON’T HAVE IT IN ME TO TAKE ANOTHER PATHETIC WEEK 17 LOSS, NOT AFTER THE MADNESS THAT I’VE HAD TO PUT UP WITH FROM JERRYWORLD ALREADY THIS SEASON.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 1

New England Patriots (10-2) at Houston Texans (6-6)

Someone the other day asked Tom Brady how he feels after getting hit 32 times in his last three games:

"I feel good. Fresh as lettuce." – TB

Cool, bro, but here’s the thing:

There are a chunk of injuries for the Pats still, but it’s not often that they have two stinkers in a row. The Eagles game was coming, the usual let down after the unbeaten record was broken. They won’t lose to Houston. Not with Houston full of ex-Patriots and all (head coach Bill O’Brien, QB Brian Hoyer and DT Vince Wilfork, to name a trio).

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 10

New York Giants (5-7) at Miami Dolphins (5-7)

Ah, the Giants. They’ve turned fourth quarter collapses into an absolute art this season. They lose games like Quentin Tarantino makes movies: with a passionate intensity and attention to detail that makes for fascinating (if occasionally excessive) viewing. They could probably be 10-2 if they weren’t so clueless in fourth quarters. Which I funny because when they won their last Super Bowl they did so by being the most dangerous fourth quarter team in football. This is what happens when you live and die by the sword. When you try and fail to kill off a game with a ten point lead through a fourth down conversion.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 5

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He didn’t feature in the new Star Wars film, so don’t bother looking for him. Nah but seriously, don’t. Don’t do it. Okay fine but he’s not there so you’ll be wasting your time.