Last Week: 8-8

Season: 123-85

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-7) at St Louis Rams (5-8)

Mate, my picks very quickly returned to average last week after that belter of a week 13, though just like with Cam Newton’s quarterbackery, the straight numbers are deceiving. Mostly on account of how I picked every NFC East team other than the Cowboys (who were playing the Green Bay Packers) to lose horribly and all four of those knowingly abrasive predictions came through in the opposite. So I was really 12-4.

Good for the Rams last week who remembered how good Todd Gurley can be and the rookie RB finally got back to the level he was at a while back. The Rams are a shambles. Nick Foles’ 2013 with the Eagles is fast turning into one of the biggest anomaly seasons ever, especially that turnover ratio given what he’s tossing up this year. Expect the Rams to have a new QB and a new head coach for 2016.

At least the Buccs are moving upwards. They won’t make the playoffs but they might make .500.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccs by 6

New York Jets (8-5) at Dallas Cowboys (4-9)

A Sunday afternoon game? What is this!?

But seriously, what is this? No college football or whatever so the NFL just moves in on the Saturday night turf, like some opportunistic colonial fleet. What a bunch of primetime TV whores they are. (It’s cool how it’s just the done thing now to slam the NFL at any possible moment, like you’re not a true NFL fan if you don’t hate the actual NFL. Pretty oxymoronic in a way, but then it’s no different to being a patriot who hates their government, another common American confliction).

Anyway, I’ll be giving this one a miss. Not because I’ve finally packed my bags and hopped a bus on out of town after the way the Cowboys have consistently treated me every single season that I’ve supported them. I’m a battered victim that keeps on returning, something the NFL will gladly sweep under the table (Wildcard 2 - NFL 0). Nah, I’ll be missing this coz I’ve already got tickets to see Star Wars at that time. I’ll tape the Grids and watch it later.

I’ll tell ya, I’m kind of excited for this one. The movie, not the game. Sounds like they’ve basically just copied the formula of the original (rather than gambling on the two-point conversion) and that they do a good job of living up to the tone and mythology of them too. I think one of the main problems of the prequels was that there wasn’t really an emotional core, while the mythology was being built upon itself to depths that we really didn’t need. It became an intellectual act of writing a history that would suit the first trilogy rather than making actual movies. That’s what’s so great about the originals – they’re run of the mill stories constructed from years of genre film clichés and the ground-breaking thing about them was how they combined it all. The Jedis were samurais, Han Solo was a Steve McQueen-esque action hero, the Empire were Nazis, the vast space setting (and especially the Tattooine stuff) were lifted from westerns while Luke Skywalker’s arc was the time-worn one of a chosen hero, coming of age to fulfil some prophecy. One of Hollywood’s favourite and most epic narratives. Should be good, bro.

By the way, I think I’ve figured out what keeps happening to the Cowboys every season…

Wildcard’s Pick: Jets by 7

Kansas City Chiefs (8-5) at Baltimore Ravens (4-9)

Okay, let’s talk playoffs. Three weeks left and it actually looks pretty well set now. We’re mostly jostling for seeds, though the Chiefs are one of the few teams left truly in the scrap.

Let’s say the Patriots and either Bengals or Broncos are getting the top two seeds. We’ve then got either the Texans, Colts or maybe even Jaguars (yeah, I know) with a divisional spot and the Chiefs are in with the Steelers and Jets, all at 8-5 and with wins predicted this week, are competing for two wildcards. That’s the AFC, over in the NFC the Cardinals and Panthers are already locked in for the top seeds. The Green Bay Packers are probably in with a division title, the NFC is what it embarrassingly is and the Vikings and Seahawks are almost surely taking the ‘cards. Both at 8 wins, who else is gonna catch them? There isn’t a 7 win team in the conference which means a single win all but seals it and two wins from three makes it certain. Those matchups are gonna be crazy though, with to clearly below-average teams gonna be there. Everyone is gonna want to play the NFC East or AFC South rep.

Hey shout out to Alex Smith. People out there still talk down about his game-manager reputation but when you can manage games like this then it’s really not a problem:

That’s a massive deal, second all-time. How are more people not taking notice of this? He plays for a team on a six win streak too! Give the damn Chiefs some credit, people. This is what happens when your sports media in America are so distracted by narrative. The Panthers’ unbeaten season is making other worthy achievements look paltry.

Meanwhile the Ravens may as well just call it in at this point.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 10

Houston Texans (6-7) at Indianapolis Colts (6-7)

MASSIVE GAME! Terrible game but massive game. No Brian Hoyer due to concussion, no Andrew Luck possibly for the rest of the season. So this one will be T.J. Yates vs Matt Hasselbeck, cool.

The best the Jags can hope for is 8-8, so whoever wins this game will be a further win away from taking the division. As it happens, the Texans are 0-13 in Indianapolis, so yeah, makes it pretty hard to pick them. No running back worth mentioning, a guy at QB who is only there because Ryan Mallett can’t set his alarm clock properly and their best player who has been single-handedly winning them games on defence now literally has to do so single-handedly.

But then let’s not forget that Yates actually has a playoff victory to his name with the Texans in 2011 – the franchise’s first ever and still one of only two – while leading this drive to help get them there in week 14 of that season:

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 6

Tennessee Titans (3-10) at New England Patriots (11-2)

And that was before Gronk caught 4 passes for 87 yards and a touchdown against the Texans the other day.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 14

Buffalo Bills (6-7) at Washington R*dskins (6-7)

What do you reckon Hanzee Dent thinks of the R*dskins team name?

(Man, if you haven’t seen Fargo season two then you need to stop reading this trash and get the hell onto that show. Don’t even worry about the first season if you missed it. That one was good, this one was great and they’re not continuous (this one’s a prequel). Full of colourful psychopaths and unlikely heroes and fantastic dialogue and philosophical debates and Nick Offerman as a brilliantly garrulous lawyer and policing and family and the fight against disaster for meaning in the world and aliens and murder and great drama and great action and great acting and great direction.)

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 4

Chicago Bears (5-8) at Minnesota Vikings (8-5)

I was looking at my pre-season QB rankings the other day and wondering how things have changed over the season. Teddy Bridgewater probably cracks the top 20 for the first time, not that he’s been especially good, more just solid. Jake Cutler somewhere in the 10-20 range most likely. He was in 20th to start but I expect he’d jump a little higher. Peyton Manning (3), Matt Ryan (9), Joe Flacco (11), Matt Stafford (13) and Colin Kaepernick (14) are definitely hitting the slippery slope – Kap probably sinks down to like 25 or so. But Rodgers and Brady hold 1-2. Russell Wilson climbs inside the top five. Cam Newton is on the rise for sure. Oh, and Carson Palmer 100% is entering the top ten. How high depends on how much debit comes from the injuries suffered by Romo and Roethlisberger in 2015. Big Ben is good to go, I reckon. Tony, I’m not sure about him. On zero research and off the top of my head, I’d go with this:

1. Aaron Rodgers
2. Tom Brady
3. Russell Wilson
4. Cam Newton
5. Carson Palmer
6. Ben Roethlisberger
7. Andy Dalton
8. Drew Brees
9. Tony Romo
10. Andrew Luck

Alex Smith sneaks in within the next few spots too since I’ve already moaned about people not giving him enough credit. Though I wouldn’t trust him so much without a running game, I’ll tell you that for free.

Wildcard’s Pick: Vikings by 6

Carolina Panthers (13-0) at New York Giants (6-7)

This might be it. This might be the last proper hurdle to the Panthers going 16-0 or not. The Giants know a thing or two about breaking winning streaks too after the Super Bowl against the Patriots when they’d gone undefeated. It’s also, with the deep threat and quick scoring ability of Odell Beckham Jr, a team that can put points on them – which was how the Saints were able to threaten them, and the G-Men have a little more defence to them than the terrible Saints do. I’m not picking the Giants because I never pick them when I don’t have to, but phwoar this is one that could really test the Panthers, who’ll be without Jonathan Stewart. His yards up the middle tend to be crucial for them and they haven’t been nearly as good without him.

There’s no way you can spoil a perfect season. If you go 16-0 then that’s legendary and I love the ’15 Panthers. But I will just say that there’s a near-certain chance that the only team the Panthers will have beaten this season to finish at better than 8-8 will be the Green Bay Packers. Then again, let’s leave the playoffs to try wrinkle that crease out of the commemorative tees.

I genuinely think this is a banana skin game for the Panthers.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 2

Atlanta Falcons (6-7) at Jacksonville Jaguars (5-8)

You know who’s tied for the league lead with Carlson Palmer with four game-winning drives this season? BLAKE FREAKIN’ BORTLES!

Matt Ryan is tied-third with seven other dudes, which tells you a few things. First of all, he’s not been terrible, despite the fact he’s been way below his usual standards (it’s mostly the interceptions and fumbles, including a couple killers in the red zone). And it also tells you that even when they were winning, they weren’t winning by much. Four of their six wins came against the NFC East and the other two came against the Texans (with Ryan Mallett) and a 10-7 screacher over the Titans in week 7. The Falcons have not won since.

Jags WR Allen Robinson has 66 catches for 1084 yards and 12 TDs. File him under the Do Not Sleep On label.

Wildcard’s Pick: Jaguars by 3

Cleveland Browns (3-10) at Seattle Seahawks (8-5)

Johnny signs money, while Russell makes money.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 17

Green Bay Packers (9-4) at Oakland Raiders (6-7)

Sack Leaders Through 14 Weeks:

1. Khalil Mack (OAK) – 14.0
2. Ziggy Ansah (DET) – 13.5
3. J.J. Watt (HOU) – 13.5
4. Muhammad Wilkerson (NYJ) – 12.0
5. Aaron Donald (STL) – 11.0

Welcome to the limelight, Big Mack.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 6

Cincinnati Bengals (10-3) at San Francisco 49ers (4-9)

Here you go, you greedy devils. It’s the Wildcard’s playoff prediction machine thingy, from the aforenamed thingy on ESPN:

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 5

Denver Broncos (10-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5)

I don’t understand how the Broncos didn’t beat the Raiders. Not being able to convert opportunities into touchdowns was a good part of it. Not being able to block Khalil Mack didn’t help either. But, like, they were 12-0 up at half time and they’d kept Oakland to -12 yards in the first half. That’s the worst in nearly 25 years and they went on to win, that is completely bonkers. Here’s a handy tip for the Broncos receivers: Try catching the ball.

This is a massive game for the Steelers who are in a really good spot to make the playoffs but a loss here and things are difficult with the Chiefs unlikely to lose again (‘til the playoffs) and the Jets probably winning this week. But take down the Broncos and they’re away to the Ravens and Browns to finish, count ‘em and the foul.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 3

Miami Dolphins (5-8) at San Diego Chargers (3-10)

Whatever chance the Dolphins had at playing for anything disappeared in smoked when they blew the lead against the Giants and the Chargers were doomed weeks ago. Why are they even still playing?

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 3

Arizona Cardinals (11-2) at Philadelphia Eagles (6-7)

Here’s what happened the last time these two teams played:

Good laugh at Jeremy Maclin getting taken out by the juice stand there and making a big mess. He doesn’t play for this team anymore. Also how about Mark Sanchez’s hype game there? “That ball was in the air for a while, man, you looked like a fuckin’ judge machine. That was awesome”. A judge machine? Huh?

Call it a duel between two big-play offences, in which only one big-play offence will be there to make big-plays and that’d be the best big-play offence in the league. Arizona has completed 59 passes of 20 yards or more with 10 of them touchdowns. The NFL’s deepest threat. The Eagles are about to find out all about it. The NL West title is on the line for the Cardies.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 10

Detroit Lions (4-9) at New Orleans Saints (5-8)

Sweet, well, looks like my Tuesday afternoon is free. Anyone got anything planned? Beersies at yours? Lovely, I’ll see ya there.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 7

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. The farce is strong in this one. No, wait, the force. Actually, who am I kidding…