Surely we can find a way where everybody is happy? It’s gonna take some compromises and for a few teams and players to accept some harsh truths but here we go.

The Main Men

LaMarcus Aldridge

Portland blew this one so they can’t have any complaints. The Lakers blew it too, which is a shame but LMA isn’t a Hollywood player. He’s a man who cares about basketball and that’s it. So the perfect location is the one where he can get the best results on the court, personally and team-wise. Well, bugger it sideways, but unfortunately for the rest of the planet, that means the San Antonio Spurs. Just as people have been guessing for months.

DeAndre Jordan

Ooh, here goes, because this is a tricky one. There are a lot of reasons that Jordan should remain a Clipper. Great basketball, an established role, championship contending, elite teammates… but would he want to play third fiddle? Or would he be willing to trade city limelight for personal limelight? In a perfect world, yes he would. Because as much as the Clippers wanna keep their guy, they’ve already got Blake Griffin and they landed their own big fish in Chris Paul a few years back. You know who deserves a big fish of their own? The Dallas Mavericks. So many whiffs in recent years, including on CP3, yet somehow Rick Carlisle, Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson have kept them competitive. They’ve earned some karma, just as Dirk Nowitzki has. Dirk’s playing for half what he should, one of the most franchise-friendly contracts in the history of the game. That can’t be for nothing.

Dwyane Wade

This is an interesting one, because Wade may well be best suited on the Bulls or Cavs or maybe even the Clippers, but this is a sentimental article and there’s no reason to quell the romanticism of Wade returning to the Miami Heat, as indeed he will. And what a Heat team it’ll be too, more on that later.

Marc Gasol

The same. As fun as it’d be to watch Big Spain on the Spurs, it ain’t fair or reasonable. He’ll stay a Memphis Grizzly like he’s always said he would.

Kevin Love

Kevin Love has been mistreated in Cleveland. He’s there chasing titles right now and being undermined by two superior offensive players. That’s not fair at all. Plus he’s having to live in Cleveland. Kevin Love is the nephew of a Beach Boy, he should be playing in California! Although Love on the Lakers isn’t best for either (he’s had enough time carrying the Wolves to risk that again), while the Clippers have Blake Griffin and the Warriors can’t fit him. So here’s a perfect compromise. Swap the west coast beaches for the east coast… umm, there must be something nice there… Anyway, put Kevin Love in green and watch the Boston Celtics soar back to where they once were. They have a great coach and some hoarded quality to put around him. And he’d fit perfectly, he’s basically a far better version of Kelly Olynyck (in that they’re both white and get rebounds). Of course, Olynyck was the dude who dislocated Love’s shoulder, so there would need to be some bridges repaired first.

Draymond Green

A deal’s basically done to keep Green a Golden State Warrior and rightly so. Green is right at the emotional core of that championship team. He was drafted late by them and he’s rewarded them for that faith, now it’s their turn to reward him. And why would he wanna leave anyway? There’s a dynasty in the works.

Rajon Rondo

Put him on the Sacramento Kings, they deserve each other.

Greg Monroe

May as well give the New York Knicks something.

Goran Dragic

He’ll have had plenty of interest in him but you never like to see a team give up assets for a guy who then bolts a few months later in free agency. Especially since other injuries meant we never got to see what the Miami Heat were up to.

Kawhi Leonard, Paul Millsap & Jimmy Butler

All staying put at their respective homes and that’s the way it should be.

The Teams In Question

Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron will never ever leave Cleveland again, so don’t worry there. Iman Shumpert and Tristan Thompson have to stay as well because they’ve been indoctrinated into the LBJ Way. In this hypothetical universe we have Kevin Love leaving, which clears up some cap space. So how about… Corey Joseph, Jason Terry and… eh, Caron Butler. That’ll do. Delly’s gotta be back as well.

Golden State Warriors

Keep the band together as much as possible and try for an encore performance. Except let David Lee go in a trade because he’s done his dash with them. He’d do good in New York.

Los Angeles Lakers

No Love, no Aldridge, no Jordan. Here’s what they should do: Trade for Boogie Cousins. Not sure what they’d have to give up, probably a pick (if they have any left) or two and at least Julius Randle. But suppose they make that work and still keep D’Angelo Russell then the framework is there to move past the Kobe era. Sacramento has screwed DeMarcus Cousins around for too long, this is only right. Plus, imagine Boogie in the Big City! It’s got ‘reality show’ written all over it.

Los Angeles Clippers

They lose DeAndre out of karmic equality, so there’ll need to be a new big man. How about one of the Lopez’s? Yeah, that’ll do. Or maybe they can trade Jamaal Crawford for one since there’s no way you can mix him with Lance Stephenson off the bench. The important thing is that Paul Pierce joins Doc Rivers. Hell, may as well get Ray Allen in there too for shooting purposes. But not Kevin Garnett, he has more important things to do.

Minnesota Timberwolves

The last three first overall picks and Kevin Garnett to shape and mould them! They should fire Flip Saunders and let KG coach the team, add in some minimum salary vets and just do their thing from there. Nobody good wants to go to Minny otherwise.

Dallas Mavericks

A team that’s long gone hard at Free Agency, but hasn’t always done as well as they’d hoped. DeAndre Jordan changes that. Add in Wesley Matthews too, overpaid but maybe not, as he returns from his untimely Achilles tear (they’re all untimely, to be fair) – which he actually suffered against the Mavs. Those two come in besides Dirk (who gets to keep his starting spot without LMA) and Chandler Parsons (who is either super tight with DeAndre or super dedicated to his team – CP and DAJ dined together five nights in a row this week!). They still need a point guard but they can’t get everyone. Maybe JJ Barea comes back on the cheap.

Phoenix Suns

Dallas getting DAJ means that Tyson Chandler is free to go wherever he wants, and apparently he wanted to go to Phoenix so that can stick as is. Brandon Knight had to stay also because it’s too rough to lose a dude after trading away a valuable pick for him. But them also getting LaMarcus Aldridge is too much goodwill for one team, even the Suns. Those two guys are good enough, Phoenix already has a good, young core, now they have a playmaker and a leader.

Miami Heat

Keep Dragic and Wade. Luol Deng too. Now we’ll actually get to see this crazy-good Heat starting five in action. Dragic/Wade/Deng/Bosh/Whiteside. And Justise Winslow on the bench. Ka-ching.

San Antonio Spurs

It ain’t bloody fair that they keep being so good. And even in this parallel world of fairness and justice, they still get to sign LaMarcus Aldridge. So let’s try balance the ledger. Danny Green has to go. Sorry, bro, it’s gonna work in real-life but not here. You can play for the Lakers or Knicks or something. Detroit were keen, so were a few others. Also Thiago Splitter’s been traded to Portland which seems fair and just. Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili have to return for sentimental reasons, but we can loosen the rein on some bench talent. Marco Belinelli can go to the Hornets, Matt Bonner joins a similarly battlerish team and Aron Baynes can play for… (roll the dice) Utah. Sure.

New Orleans Pelicans

Brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow brow

Oklahoma City Thunder

All things being fair, Steven Adams gets to be a starter and makes the all-star team. Maybe. OKC don’t have to do too much other than retain guys, they made plenty of moves last trade deadline and we never quite got to see what they could do in the playoffs thanks to their injury-inflicted handicap from the beginning of the season. Kevin Durant hits free agency next year. It’d be nice to see one last OKC title challenge just in case it really is the last one. They still wanna pay for Enes Kanter, though Enes in Portland sounds like more fun. OKC can get a spare Lopez brother instead, Steve and Brook are already boys. (But again, in real life it’ll be Enes who’s signed up).

Philadelphia 76ers

You’ve earned nothing. Get back in your hole.

Boston Celtics

Sign Kevin Love, re-sign Jae Crowder and pick up a couple extra scorers just for fun. Anything else will probably get done when trade season comes around. Love knows the story, he just learned it from LeBron. Amir Johnson’s joining too, seems only fair.

Houston Rockets

With all the luck they had in getting Josh Smith for peanuts at his absolute worst and then having him win them playoff games, after already winning the Dwight Howard sweepstakes and dominating the James Harden Trade, the Rockets deserve no more fortune. Come on, they need taking down a few pegs, especially with their LMA interest. Let’s give them J.R. Smith.

New York Knicks

Wouldn’t it be so NYK to go out and get Greg Monroe and Josh Smith? Luckily Phil Jackson has brought some brains (and some cojones) to the organisation and that’s worth some sort of psychic payoff, especially after the Porzingis pick at the draft. Monroe joins. Jeremy Lin returns (we all wanna see it, be honest) and somehow they trade for Ty Lawson too. Lin on the bench. Aaron Afflalo joins that group as does David Lee, and then just because these are still the Knicks we’re talking about, they can have Kendrick Perkins.

Milwaukee Bucks

They’re gonna be so much fun this year with Jabari Parker back. Let them keep Khris Middleton, the Bucks have been through enough and the light at the end of the tunnel is finally shining bright.

Memphis Grizzlies

Marc Gasol is staying. What more could you ask for, Grizz fans? Nothing is the answer, anything more is greedy and that won’t fly in this utopia.

Atlanta Hawks

The goodwill story of the 2014/15 season. DeMarre Carroll’s leaving so they should get the gift of Al-Farouq Aminu (for much less than Portland are overpaying for him).

Portland Trailblazers

Speaking of whom, the Blazers shoulda given LaMarcus more love while they were fawning over Damian Lillard. But they’re cool, so they can have Tobias Harris from Orlando. Dude’s way underrated, perfect for the hipster capital of America. He’s restricted though, so it’ll cost.

Indiana Pacers

So close to the NBA finals a few seasons back only for it all to fall apart. Then Paul George broke his leg and last season was wasted too. They seem set on bringing in Monta Ellis, so it’s only right that they get good Monta from the start of his Dallas Mavs stint and not petulant Monta from the end of it. In a perfect world, that is a controllable outcome.

Everyone Else

Your team is either irrelevant to free agents, doesn’t need any big name ones, or is boring. Sorry. On the bright side, maybe they’re already living in their ideal situation.