Last Week: 11-5

Season: 11-5

 Denver Broncos (1-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)

This may shock you to hear, but I do not think that the Broncos will win this week. Nope. The Chiefs will reap the benefits of getting Denver on a short rest with Peyton having copped a few hits and that offensive line being without the time to sort things out.

Of course, for all the offensive woes, the emergence of the Broncos defensive unit as one of the league’s best (as has been touted but never lived up to for the past two seasons) against Baltimore is huge. In fact it may just carry them this season. The Chiefs also have a superb D and that’s gonna make this into trench warfare. Which leads me back to the Chiefs winning, because: Jamaal Charles > C.J. Anderson. You get those tough yards in a game like this and you’ll get the W too. That’s supposing I’m not proven completely stupid by a Peyton Manning clinic.

Hey and 11 bingos in the first week of picks, that’ll do me. Especially since I got both MNF games wrong. Glad to be done in by the Falcons, but the Vikings were very, very crap. I also whiffed on the Lions who blew an 18 point lead, the Colts loss to the Bills (fair play, Buffalo were outstanding) and the Rams OT win over the Seahawks. All in all, I’m happy with that.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 3

New England Patriots (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0)

Unfortunately it looks like we’re in for another year of Patriot dominance, at least through the regular season. I, for one, was looking forward to four weeks of Garoppolo to see how that went. It was meant to be an early vision of what the post-Brady era would look like. Instead we get Brady hurling 4 TDs at a near flawless level and picking apart the Steelers (shoddy) defence like meat off a bone.

Ron Gronkowski was at his Man-Amongst-Boys best, prompting Bills coach Rex Ryan to say this week:

"We're not going to ask one guy to cover him. Yeah, he'd have to look like King Kong."

Which is actually pretty funny, coz Belichick and the Pats just ten minutes later announced that they’d signed this dude to their practice roster…

The Bills have their own secret weapon though. Seemingly overshadowed by a few other profiled names at QB last week was Tyrod Taylor’s superb 14 of 19, 195 yards with a TD game (not to mention 41 rush yards). Granted, he wasn’t really asked to throw often or deep, they kept it simple for him. But with a blitzkrieg defence and LeSean McCoy in the backfield, a competent QB may be all they need. And Taylor was definitely that. I mean, the two most flamboyant things about him were this pass to Percy Harvin and this shirt:

The Pats are specialists in exploiting weaknesses though, and you can be sure that they’re gonna force Taylor to make his throws. The main matchup may be the one that’s already been teased though, that one of stopping Gronkey Kong. Because if he’s not taken out of the picture then every time the Bills blitz (as is Mr Ryan’s favourite call) then Brady’s just gonna flop it to Gronk for 7 or 8 yards, cruising his way down the field as he goes.

Also, Tom Brady says he thinks Donald Trump would make a good president. This is why we shouldn’t ask important questions of people based on their level of celebrity. Tom Brady is rich, white and successful. He’s not a racist, but he’s used to rubbing shoulders with elite people in society who perhaps maybe are. Like Trump, who is. Why should we care what he thinks about the presidential elections? If you want advice on running a two minute drill, Brady’s your fella. If you want political advice, ask someone who reads the bloody papers.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 10

Tennessee Titans (1-0) at Cleveland Browns (0-1)

Do you know who the last man was to put up a perfect passer rating in his first NFL start? You don’t?

Yeah, neither do the record keepers.

Going back to 1933, no players has done that, so chances are it’s just Marcus. Man, and what a game he had. So clinical, great accuracy, a wonderful playmaking ability… he didn’t look like a rookie at all. And that’s the most impressive thing. There’s a certain confidence you get from a veteran quarterback and Mariota exudes that same stuff. It’s what makes others play better around him, a trust and a faith. One less thing to worry about, as Forrest Gump might say.

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans might be really good this season, best watch this space. I’ve got ‘em by a touchdown over the Browns.

Houston Texans (0-1) at Carolina Panthers (1-0)

It sounds like Brian Hoyer’s gig as starting Texans quarterback lasted less than four quarters. He was replaced by Ryan Mallett during their loss to the Chiefs and the ol’ ‘Sources Say’ tweets are tipping Mallett to hold that spot. Bill O’Brien says he knows who his starter is but won’t confirm it yet, which more or less confirms the change. If you’re keeping it stable, then you shoot down these kinds of rumours.

Frankly, if a team still hasn’t made up their minds about their starter then obviously neither of them are good enough. Not if they’re making changes after a week. Meanwhile you look at the Panthers game against the Jaguars and their quarterback was the only one doing his job right. He’s got no-one to throw to though, and up against stronger defences than the Jags he’ll probably struggle. The Texans have one such defence, but can they score any points?

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers, but I’m kinda conflicted about this one.

Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at Chicago Bears (0-1)

Yeah, I’m all in on Carson. Right up until he gets injured again. Did you know he has the best fourth quarter QBR in the league over the last couple seasons? Coz he does.

On a related note, how disappointing is it that we aren’t getting Colbert’s Late Show in New Zealand? Instead we get Jimmy Giggling Fallon and his endless sycophantic praising of the many emotionally needy celebrities lining up to be on his show where nobody ever gets challenged (except to low stakes party games) and everyone is happy except for me watching it. The Roots are golden, at least. But Colbert looks interesting, politicians and writers and businessmen and stuff. Get there, Prime TV. You always did us good with Letterman.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 5

San Diego Chargers (1-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-0)

Neither of these teams will probably win their division, both should be contending for a wildcard spot. That means that even though this is only week 2, there are Implications. Who do you pick, the team that does everything good and nothing great or the team that does plenty badly right up until if does plenty great? The Bengals are the former, if you need a nudge.

Wildcard’s Pick: Umm… Chargers. Yeah sure.

Detroit Lions (0-1) at Minnesota Vikings (0-1)

Both of these teams were disappointing in week 1, but at least the Lions did something on offence. Ameer Abdullah translated the pre-season promise into something legit and judging by the way Carlos Hyde ran all over the Vikings, he could realy truly breakout this game. The Lions blew an 18 point lead (and my pick) against the Chargers, you just can’t do that. Philip Rivers and Keenan Allen hooked up all over the Lions defence, like an ex trying to make them jealous. (WE WERE ON A BREAK!). Nothing about the Vikings almost complete impotence vs the historically depleted 49ers should worry the Lions too much. They’ll score points, they always do, and this time they should be able to hold on. It’s Minnesota that are in bigger trouble.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 12

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) at New Orleans Saints (0-1)

Jameis, Jameis, Jameis. You’ll get yours someday. Maybe not this week, maybe not this season… but sometime this decade. Probably.

To be fair, he looks a very good prospect, not a sure thing but one worth persisting with. (Which is maybe less than you’d hope for from a first overall pick). His problem is that the team around him is real slim. Plus he’ll forever be compared with Mariota now and that’s not a battle he’s winning any time soon. Then again, there was once a world in where RG3 vs Andy Luck was an actual conversation. And remember, the last guy to throw a pick-six his first NFL attempt was Brett Favre, so… yeah.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 17, sorry Jameis.

Atlanta Falcons (1-0) at New York Giants (0-1)

Ah, the Giants. No team better passes between the sublime and the incomprehensibly stupid. Plenty of teams have a line on the latter, sure, but none of them can also then achieve the former. But against the Cowboys last week, it was mostly incomprehensibly stupid.

In a game they had no right to win, picking up most of their points on the kinds of turnovers that are really more luck than anything else (a fumble after a huge completion and a pair of passes batted in the air by receivers – not to mention a few lucky escapes of their own), the Giants nonetheless had the game in the bag. Only to cock it up and let Tony Romo be Tony Romo for around 70 second and change.

In that final possession you have:

• Misuse of the game clock after it got reset following an error.
• A flag stopping the clock and saving Dallas a timeout.
• Eli Manning telling his running back not to score on second and goal to force Dallas to burn its last timeout.
• Only for Manning to throw the ball away on third down to avoid a sack – stopping the clock at the saving of around nine yards.
• A field goal kicked to extend the lead to 6, rather than trying to kill it on fourth and one.

“One-hundred percent on me right there.” – Eli Manning

“It was my fault at the end of the game. There is nobody else to blame but me.” – Tom Coughlin

To be honest, it was more like a combination of the two. The Cowboys played three and a half quarters of mostly bad football (excluding a couple key performers) and pretty much had that game gift-wrapped for their rivals, only for those rivals to match all of those mistakes in the space of a couple minutes (it should have taken more time, but they kept stopping the clock!). It’s like in cartoons when two characters keep handing a lit-fused bomb back and forth, waiting for the roulette wheel to stop as it blows up in one of their faces, usually the one that isn’t Bugs Bunny or Roadrunner. Damn, those things were violent.

As for the Falcons, I’m a big fan of what I saw on MNF. Great first half of defence, just a couple red zone turnovers (one a Kiko Alonso interception as good as you’ll ever see) that stopped them from really taking advantage. And that ultimately let Philly back in and gave us a thrilling finish.

In my mind, the first half is more indicative of team ability and strategy, while the second half is always situational. That the Falcons slipped off in the second, that’s something they can learn from. But the way they started that game shows that the foundations are there for a big season, should they make it count.

Wildcard’s Pick: Los Falcones by another field goal.

San Francisco 49ers (1-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

So Carlos Hyde is turning out to be a supreme player. That solves one 49ers problem.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers should fare much better against a team that’ll probably shoot itself in the foot a few times. Can’t see the Niners holding Antonio Brown to ransom.

St Louis Rams (1-0) at Washington R**skins (0-1)

You know that trick when you go to sit down and someone takes the chair away and you hit the deck? That’s what it’ll be like for the Rams going up against the brittle ‘skins after outplaying the always brutal Seahawks in Seattle last week. Dusting themselves off after they find their pass rush to be too good, that'll be their biggest problem.

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by more than enough. With at least one defensive return TD.

Baltimore Ravens (0-1) at Oakland Raiders (0-1)

Wildcard’s Pick: I’m picking Jason Babin to be better for Baltimore than Aldon Smith will be in Oakland and I’m picking the Ravens to take this one with consummate ease.

Miami Dolphins (1-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)

The Dolphins oughta make hay while the sun shines. Their fixtures are easy like Sunday morning for the first few weeks (barring next week’s game vs Buffalo) but come October 30 in New England, things get tough.

Weeks 8-17:

At Patriots, at Bills, at Eagles, vs Cowboys, at Jets, vs Ravens, vs Giants, at Chargers, vs Colts, vs Patriots.

But they could start that spell with a 5-1 record, so it ain’t so bad. Any team should always rather play from in front.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 17

Dallas Cowboys (1-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (0-1)

DeMarco Murray playing against the Dallas Cowboys? That’s a little awkward…

The assumption was that the Cowboys would have trouble replacing Murray. That looks to be true, but Murray struggled too. Only 9 yards rushing, and the Eagles didn’t get anything going ‘til they abandoned the run in favour of a passing game, which meant more Sproles and less Murray. Murray’s quality as a catcher, but not like Sproles. In fact, DM was on the field for less than half of their offensive snaps by the end of it. 

No Dez Bryant though, that makes it a tight one. But then how can a team possibly lose with this cheering them on from the sideline?

Wildcard’s Pick: Backing the ‘Boys here.

Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Green Bay Packers (1-0)

Seattle Seahawks: Come on, buddy, we’ll give you an extra 20 bucks a week, how about that?

Kam Chancellor: Nope. No deal.

SS: We’ll add in some extra performance bonuses, that sweeten the deal?

KC: Not at all.

SS: You can have a new team car, we’ll talk to the sponsors.

KC: Still not cutting it.

SS: Swap numbers with Russell?

KC: No way.

SS: Swap girlfriends with him, we can arrange something?

KC: …

SS: How about free refills at the team canteen?

KC: How about I don’t play against the Packers?

SS …

KC: …

For reference’s sake, this is also a rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game, which the Packers lost in unbelievably choke-ish circumstances. Here’s an archival reminder.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers to take slim revenge. Slim in both score and meaningfulness.

New York Jets (1-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

The Colts made the last playoffs after starting 0-2. They shouldn’t have that burden this season. Despite being thoroughly dismantled by the Bills, there’s still lots to like about Indy and one bad week shouldn’t write off a Super Bowl contender. The Jets’ strengths are more in their secondary than in their pass rush and it was the pass rush of Buffalo that screwed with Luck’s poise. The Jets have a very good front seven, and they had three sacks in the game, but they still gave up over 100 rush yards to Cleveland. That means that Frank Gore had best get his game going for the Colts and as soon as he does, they’re in business. Andrew Luck doesn’t lose twice in a row very often. It is known.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts will get it done.

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He doesn’t know what the Texans are up to either and he probably won’t stick around to find out.