Last Week: 12-4

Season: 23-8

Los Angeles Rams (1-1) at San Francisco 49ers (0-2)

Friday 12.25pm NZT

It doesn’t take much, does it? The Rams put 46 points on the Colts and suddenly Jared Goff is amazing and Sean McVay is amazing and the Rams offence is amazing… and then they lose to the R*dskins and the bubble bursts like that. Skins jumped out to 13-0 lead and withstood the comeback from there.

But the Rams did some cool things. The sort of things we haven’t seen from them for a few years. Goff threw this one superb pass down the right touchline for Gerald Everett after getting flushed from the pocket. He showed poise to hold in there as long as he could then he showed some good sense to skip out of there, wheeling to the right, and hitting Everett on the run for 67 yards. That’s the kind of play that gives you confidence in a young quarterback.

However the big positive I saw there was Todd Gurley. A dude who last year couldn’t find a space to run through if he was crossing the street and now here he is jumping over dudes. Turns out he was a decent hurdler back in his teenage years. 88 yards on 16 carries with another 48 from three receptions, getting a TD via each method. Most importantly, he passed the eye test for the first time since he was a rookie. Funny thing is the Rams offence was probably more impressive in losing to a middling Washington team than they were in annihilating Indy the week before.

They should obviously win this too, given who they’re playing, although the Niners have proved tough to beat so far. They’ve nothing on offence, only 12 points in two games, however both the Panthers and Seahawks will tell you that they made it tough. That’s a good sign for a developing team… they’ll keep this one tight again on a short turnaround but they’ll have to do something on offence that we’ve seen zero glimpses of yet if they’re gonna pull the upset out (to be fair they’ve played two quality defences).

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 6

Baltimore Ravens (2-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1)

Monday 2.30am NZT

Wembley, baby. Skipping over the pond for some English football… but not English football, American football… except American football in England. Yeah I don’t really see the point either but they’re making money from it so good for them. Not really but, whatever.

Gotta rate what the Ravens defence has done so far. There are some truly ridiculous numbers from their first two games, most of all the fact that they’ve picked off four interceptions in each of them – with ten total turnovers all up. That’s twice as many as anyone else in the NFL so far. By the way, second on that list is the Jaguars with five defensive turnovers. Their offence just took a big blow with Marshal Yanda’s injury but they should still have a strong run game without him and Joe Flacco… say what you will about the bugger (and I have) but he’s won a Super Bowl.

Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 10, guv’nuh

Denver Broncos (2-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-1)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Oh man, I know the Cowboys weren’t great in that game but the Broncos were flippin’ magnificent. Von Miller especially, the bloody terror. Didn’t get a sack until the last few minutes of the game but that was only through luck and a bit of Dak Precscott-ery because there was certainly no lack of trying. And shout out to the new coaches who… yeah, yeah… Trevor Siemian too.

Best thing about Siemian was that the joker couldn’t seem to miss on third down. Per Denver post here (it’s nice when someone else does the research), in 2016 the Broncos converted on 34.2% of their third downs which was second-worst out there behind the LA Rams (no surprises there). It’s only been two games but so far in 2017 they’re at 17/30 for 56.7% and nobody can touch that. Vance Joseph gives the credit to Trevor Siemian and I’m inclined to agree. He’s built up as a game-manager type so these situations have to be a strength for him and he seems to love it. No dumb decisions, basically.

Denver Post: “Siemian’s numbers on third down back his coach’s claim. The second-year quarterback has completed 14-of-20 passes for 163 yards, four touchdowns and one interception. His 113.1 rating in those situations is the best in the league among players with at least 20 attempts, and seven different receivers have caught a pass from Siemian on third down that kept series alive.”

So that adds up to an efficient offence and a ruthlessly good defence… that’s quite scary.

As for the Bills, the big concern is how LeSean McCoy, who gunned for 110 yards on the Jets in W1, was only able to gather 9 yards on 12 carries against the Panthers. Carolina know how to set up a defence but… damn, so do Denver. That is in no way a promising prospect when Shady’s the only game-breaker on that offence right now.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 6

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) at Chicago Bears (0-2)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Okay so the Bears host Pittsburgh this week, having already lost to Atlanta and Tampa Bay. They were seriously bad against the Buccs too, lost 29-7 and they got that one TD after the two minute warning in the fourth. Mike Glennon did actually get the passing stuff going to the tune of 301 yards (albeit from 45 attempts) but they were completely ineffectual on the ground – Jordan Howard had 7 yards on 9 carries. They turned the ball over four times including on their first three offensive drives and lost it another two times on downs.

That was against the Buccs. This week they host the Steelers, then it’s away to the Packers. A MNF game at home to the Vikings is unlikely to be much fun before they have Baltimore away and Carolina at home. Obviously there are two games against the Lions to come and another against the Packers.

So, erm… about that season…

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 12

New Orleans Saints (0-2) at Carolina Panthers (2-0)

Monday 6.00am NZT

That there is my evidence for the defence of Cam Newton. He’s getting smashed and he’s already got a hurt shoulder. Now his ankle is faulty. He has wide receivers who regularly drop the ball and people still call him inaccurate while they make injury excuses for guys like Andrew Luck.

Anyway, here’s a few of the nicknames that Cam’s dished out to teammates and coaches:

• Defensive coordinator Steve Wilks: Denzel (as in “Denzel Washington,” whom many think Wilks resembles.)
• Assistant receivers coach Jerricho Cotchery: OG Cotch, or Clutch-ery
• Tight end Chris Manhertz: Blistex (Newton teased Manhertz for getting blisters on his feet in practice.)
• Running back Christian McCaffrey: C-Mac
• Tight end Greg Olsen: Greg
• Olsen and McCaffrey, combined: The Caucasian Killers
• Defensive end Julius Peppers: Frazier (After hard-hitting boxing heavyweight Joe Frazier.)
• Linebacker Thomas Davis: The Mayor of Charlotte
• Linebacker Luke Kuechly: Captain America

More where that came from on the Charlotte Observer in that link up there.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 9

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0) at Minnesota Vikings (1-1)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Erm… big difference there between one week and six, Zimmbags. As to the meaning of the word ‘fine’…

If Bradford plays we should have a tight contest. If he doesn’t then the Buccs oughta be all good, doubt they’re about to lose to Case Keenum. I think Bradford might play but I liked what I saw from the Buccs last week almost as much as I liked what I saw from the Vikes in week uno. Both against weak-ass teams though so I dunno here. Probs just gonna stick with the gut instinct then. Not convinced about this pick but if Sammy B is out then it’s a write-off anyway.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccaneers by 3

Cleveland Browns (0-2) at Indianapolis Colts (0-2)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Alright so I was watching last week’s games online which meant partaking in the American ads, and along with the one that’s got Charlie Day playing dress ups for some NFL coverage or the other there was also one of them health product things. You know what those ones are like, where they spend ten seconds on the product and then another twenty seconds on all the potential side effects. And this old bloke was sitting there chatting all about how his life is so much better now that he’s been able to quit smoking thanks to Generico Dumbstuffs and that’s all he says. In his kitchen staring straight at the camera: “This product is completely responsible for me quitting smoking!”

Then they start listing the side-effects. Some random lady chimes in with the voiceover and the scroll starts rolling across the bottom. She’s speaking so fast you hardly hear her and there’s no way you can read the word on the scroll. Potential side-effects of Generico Dumstuffs include coughing fits, fever, depression, dizziness, acne, vomiting, chronic explosive diarrhoea, chills, fainting, blindness, spontaneous combustion, heart failure, temporary insanity and a craving to start smoking. Do not use Generic Dumbstuffs if you have any of the following conditions: dementia, cold or flu illness, pregnancy, unemployment, cancerous growths, any remaining shadows of your youthful beauty or a cigarette addiction.

And this old joker concludes the ad by looking straight at the camera again and saying: “Thanks to Generic Dumbstuffs I don’t even think about smoking anymore!”

Yeah, no kidding bro. Not with all that other shite to worry about now.

(Wait, what? The Browns vs the Colts? Hahahaha, you’ve gotta be kidding).

Wildcard’s Pick: Browns by 3

Miami Dolphins (1-0) at New York Jets (0-2)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Riiiiight, moving on.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 9

Houston Texans (1-1) at New England Patriots (1-1)

Monday 6.00am NZT

Seems safe to say the Patriots don’t have the same quality of defence as last season however the suggestion that Tom Brady and the offensive lads were somehow on the decline after that Chiefs loss? You know that was bollocks, I wrote last week that was bollocks. Now here’s how Brady responded (against a crap team in favourable conditions):

Then he went and gave $100k to JJ Watt’s hurricane relief fund, which is mighty nice of him. What a chap (although it won’t stop JJ coming for him this week). Still, one more thing to say about Brady, who has also just written a book. Well, his name is on the book and it’s in his voice. Probably left a ghost writer to do all the hard yards. Just a shame that he can’t get old mate Belly to read it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 10

Atlanta Falcons (2-0) at Detroit Lions (2-0)

Monday 6.00am NZT

I’m a sucker for a good Jim Bob Cooter story. S’pose it began with his brilliant name but the legend goes far beyond the nomenclature. The Lions offensive coordinator probably deserves a few those dollars that Matt Stafford is earning for his work there with that unit – seriously some of the catches those WRs are making, not to mention the yardage that Ameer Abdullah just chewed through against NYG – but on top of it all, Jim Bob just seems like a fun guy…

ESPN: “This is Cooter. He has his quirks. He starts media sessions with phrases such as, “Comin’ in hot” or, “Plenty of seats available" when one is sparsely attended. Conversations in the quarterback room delve into philosophy and space. Cooter has strong theories about drinking green tea at night -- something he once tried to convince Callahan to do without success.”

Shout out to the Falcons too, (mostly) smoked the Packers again and that throws all that Super Bowl hangover stuff out the window… which is not the worst place to be hurling when you’re hungover. Get that cool morning’s breeze on ya face, a bit of fresh air for the aftertaste… yeah boy.

Where was I? Watch this game. It’s the best of the early ones by a distance.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 1

New York Giants (0-2) at Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)

Monday 6.00am NZT

No words about the Giants this week, not until they prove they deserve the attention again. Sorry if that means you also miss out on your weekly Eagles chat but, like The Dude, I happen to hate the Eagles anyway.

Wildcard’s Pick: Eagles by 3

Seattle Seahawks (1-1) at Tennessee Titans (1-1)

Monday 9.05am NZT

Mmm, tasty. But would a Titans win still count as an upset at this point?

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 2

Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) at Los Angeles Chargers (0-2)

Monday 9.25am NZT

Let me sing you the song of Younghoe Koo

Who kicks for the Chargers, a team oh-and-two

Check out his profile, the lad’s got the tricks

But he just can’t help missing those match-winning kicks

The Chiefs are 2-0 and playing brilliantly, the Chargers are 0-2 and if their kicker had made two FGs then they’d be 2-0. As usual, that franchise leads the league in finding a way to lose – they’re the anti-Staffords, no matter if it’s in San Diego or Los Angeles.

Problem for the Chargers now is that they’re two games back on every other team in their division. Not only are the Chiefs 2-0 but so are the Raiders and Broncos so if you can’t find a way to win the close ones then you don’t really have a chance – one of those teams has to miss out on the playoffs, at least one of them. It’s way too early to say they’ve already blown it but it’s hard to think they won’t regret letting these first two matches get away from them. And don’t think I’m blaming Younghoe Koo either – if games keep coming down to a field goal to win it then you get what you deserve.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 4… a field goal won’t suffice

Cincinnati Bengals (0-2) at Green Bay Packers (1-1)

Monday 9.25am NZT

Biggest question of the season so far: How did it come to this for the Bengals?

Not: Why are they bad now? Because you can see how they dropped to this level. Offensive line that is mostly just offensive and a defence that hasn’t been patched up enough. Mostly the line though. Andy Dalton cannot possibly be this bad on his own – he’s completing at 54.5% and has been sacked 8 times in two games. At least he didn’t turn it over against Houston… didn’t lead the team to a touchdown either though and that makes it three field goals and nothing else from 120 minutes of grid iron.

How did it come to this? They aren’t only bad but they’re depressing.

Having said that, if they can get that offence back up to an average level then it’ll be a completely different story. That defence is gonna have less pressure on them, more time to rest between possessions, and they’re already playing okay as it is. They win a few on the trot and it’ll be away we go, don’t forget ya passport.

I don’t know how it came to this but they know how they’re gonna fix it: replace the offensive coordinator. Which they did. Plus they’ve got an extra few days of rest which always helps. The Dolphins made the playoffs from a 1-4 start and while the Bengals are hugely unlikely to win this one, they then have the Browns (A), Bills, Steelers (A), Colts & Jaguars (A) in a row. Add it up and no reason they don’t go from 0-3 to 4-4… no reason except that offensive line, that is.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 7

Oakland Raiders (2-0) at Washington R*dskins (1-1)

Monday 1.30pm NZT

That’s actually an ad for a bank which is kinda lame but… wow. That video. If you didn’t think Derek Carr was top notch before (and I already regret not ranking him higher on my QB list) then he is now – nobody gets to lip-synch like that without being very, very good at their day job. Otherwise, you know, they won’t long have one. But shout out to whichever dreamer in the copy room came up with that concept, thus providing me with about a dozen incredible memes. Like this one, for example:

Which makes now a good time to point out that these are his two stat lines so far:

• Wk1 vs TEN: 22/33 ATT | 262 YDS | 2 TD | 0 INT | 114.3 RATE
• Wk2 vs NYJ: 23/28 ATT | 230 YDS | 3 TD | 0 INT | 136.6 RATE

He is definitely gonna be in that MVP conversation this season… although we’ll wait and see how he goes against the Broncos and Ravens in weeks 4-5.

Meanwhile elsewhere in Raider Nation…

Right so plenty of partying going on in Oakland already. The Skins did well to eke out a win over the Rams last week, Kirk Cousins ensures they’ll at least have a chance of getting that ball going through the air most weeks but it was their effectiveness on the ground that really won it for them. 229 rushing yards with three different blokes logging 60+ yards each. So that’s cool, the R*dskins are a little better than I thought they might be. But the Raiders are a top five team in the NFL.

Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 10

Dallas Cowboys (1-1) at Arizona Cardinals (1-1)

Tuesday 1.30pm NZT

Two big stories outta Dallas this week. One is that Ezekiel Elliott was a bit of a stroppy lad in quitting on a play or two with his team down big last week. No big deal, really, but it’s something the coach will wanna chomp down on quickly. Two is that Jerry Jones has been obstructing Roger Goodell’s new contract. Jerry isn’t even on the panel of owners meant to decide that stuff yet somehow he’s edged his way into meetings and got in the way of the whole thing. That contract will still get done but haha, good on ya Jerry.

Zeke can be forgiven for getting frustrated – that was probably the worst game of his life. 8 yards on 9 carries, which is one fewer rush yard than Tom Brady had on the same day. Hell, it’s only eight more yards than an actual cardboard cut-out of himself would have gotten with nine handoffs at the line of scrimmage. Probably fewer fumbles, to be fair.

But this is mostly down to the Broncos being amazing and taking Zeke out of the game, which exposed a decent but unspectacular set of receivers for Dallas. Dez Bryant caught less than half of his targets with Aqib Talib on him. Jason Witten did okay but Cole Beasley was nowhere. I wanted to see Devin Street or someone bust a few long routes but there wasn’t a lot of time allowed to Dak in the pocket either as everything collapsed on him. That might be the blueprint for teams against Dallas now so they’d best be figuring things out. I think they needed a bit of this though. I think they needed a whupping with a few young stars who’ve only been on the up in their careers so far, with a team that got unexpectedly really good in a hurry. And a televised Monday night game against an underperforming Cardinals team makes for a fine rebounding opportunity.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 6

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He don’t wear no pants and he don’t wear no tie. Always on the ball, always on strike.

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