ESPN analyst Kevin Van Valkenburg recently decided to draw the ire of an entire nation with an inferiority complex by picking on our national treasure and the apparent pinnacle of masculinity… the All Blacks. Van Valknenburg said the USA ‘would dominate rugby’, if top-line NFL players played the sport.

Naturally Aotearoa’s sporting public were in an uproar over the absurd thought that some of the best athletes in the world drawn from a pool of tens of millions could compete with our boys in black. Anyway I’ve decided to cast the net a bit wider and pick a team of my favourite America-based athletes that would have no problem giving the ABs a spanking.

Note: McDonalds in no way, shape or form endorses this article or the creation of my hypothetical super squad.

FIRST XV

Prop – Von Miller – NFL – Denver Broncos

The Vonster, Big Daddy V, Kurt VONnegut. Linebackers are some of the most feared players in the NFL and at 6”3, 250 pounds, it’s easy to see why Miller stands out as one of the best. Alongside being a 6 time Pro-Bowler, Von has also been Superbowl MVP and it’s that kind of excellence in big game situations I want to build my team around.

Note: I have no idea if Von Miller goes by any of the nicknames used above, if not he’s welcome to use them.

Hooker – Shohei Otani – MLB – LA Angels

Ohtani was the centre of a media circus this MLB offseason, everyone wanted a slice of the Japanese wunderkind, a player who captured the imagination of a whole sport for a few months with his two way potential. A few months into the season and analysts are already hailing him as the best hitter-pitcher hybrid since Babe Ruth and that’s high praise. I think he’ll be just fine throwing into a lineout.

Prop – Joey Chestnut – Competitive Eater

Joey Chestnut has dominated his sport for over a decade. Last year the man ate a world record 72 hotdogs in one sitting. That is an athlete. Ladies and Gentlemen you may not like it, but this is what peak physical condition looks like.

Note: Realistically any NFL level Offensive Lineman worth their weight in cheeseburgers would make a great prop, but I don’t know any of their names (and to be honest, reader, neither do you) so let’s take a moment to honour those unsung enormous heroes who allow the Tom Bradys of the world to sell weird paleo smoothies with all their teeth still intact.

Lock – Anthony Davis – NBA – New Orleans Pelicans

The most dominant big man in modern NBA. Davis grew up playing point guard until he grew from 6”3 to 7”2 in a week (or something like that). As a result he has a blend of size, skill and athleticism that’s perfect for the middle of the scrum. Think of a young Pine Tree but with less eyebrows. Plus if he catches loineout balls like he catches lobs that’s a bonus.

Lock – Steven Adams – NBA - OKC Thunder

Ok I’m cheating a bit here, Aotearoa’s own big Stevie undoubtedly dabbled in a bit of oval ball in his Scots College days, but I’m still counting him. He won’t need to learns the rules and he’s already a professional enforcer so will have no problem protecting the little guys out there.

Blindside – JJ Watt – NFL – Houston Texans

Taking directly from Keith’s tweet here, JJ Watt is a 4 time pro-bowler, 3 time NFL defensive player of the year and Texans record holder in both sacks and forced fumbles. That’s the kind of defensive intensity and work rate I want at flanker. He’s also the nicest guy in the NFL, he raised over $37 million for the survivors of Hurricane Harvey, and every team needs a charitable SOB like that. What have you done for your community lately?

Openside – Ezekiel Elliot – NFL – Dallas Cowboys

Continuing with the trend of picking Keith’s guys I want Zeke as my number 7. 6 foot and 100kg of explosiveness. Selected for First Team All-Pro in his rookie year, give him an inch of space and he’ll make you pay.

Number Eight – Leonard Fournette – NFL - Jacksonville Jaguars

I’m just going to round out the loose forward trio all with guys from Keith’s tweet. Fournette has just come off his rookie year and is the human equivalent of a fridge with a jet engine. People his size shouldn’t be able to do what he does. I want him taking the ball off the back of the scrum all day.

Halfback – DeShaun Watson – NFL – Houston Texans

Tempted to put old man Tom Brady in here, but as Parquet Courts say: ‘Fuck Tom Brady’. Watson has a cannon for an arm and can scramble like no other current QB, that’s a threat around the edges of the ruck if I’ve ever seen one.

First Five Eighth – Steph Curry – NBA – Golden State Warriors

Can Steph kick a ball? I dunno, probably? He can do pretty much everything else, he has an incredible playmaking ability and can read a basketball game like few others, and I can see that translating pretty well to the footy pitch. I feel pretty safe with Steph guiding the team around the field. Plus as the unwritten rule says, all First Fives must be good looking enough to make 50 year old farmers feel strange repressed things. Steph in a pair of Jockeys, anyone?

Left Wing – Antonio Brown – NFL – Pittsburgh Steelers

Arguably greatest current Wide Receiver in the NFL, Brown has led the league receiving yards and receptions twice. Also rugby desperately needs an injection of flamboyance, and Brown’s Touchdown celebrations are legendary.

Second Five Eighth – Serena Williams – Tennis

Serena has ruled Tennis since 2002. Helen Clark was still in her first term then, just to give you some context. Williams has 23 singles titles and 39 in total to her name and I want her to bring that dominance to my team of athletic freaks. Plus if she gets injured we can just swap her out for Venus.

Centre – LeBron James – NBA – Cleveland Cavaliers

The King had to be on the team somewhere. Realistically considering his size, strength and athleticism he could play any position (including coach), so I’ll put him at centre where he can bowl through the opposition midfield or use his passing prowess to set up the people outside him.

Right Wing – Russell Westbrook – NBA – OKC Thunder

Gimmie a guy who’s 6”3, can jump out of the gym and never stops sprinting. Russell out wide would be hard to stop. He’s out on the wing so he doesn’t have to worry about ever passing the ball and if he gets into a tussle, his old mate Stevie will be there to back him up.

Fullback – Odell Beckham Jr – NFL – New York Giants

See that catch? I want OBJ under every high ball this hypothetical team gets, every single one. That’s all I need to say.

Bench

Rhonda Rousey – Formerly UFC, now WWE

I’m a big fan of a bench providing impact through muscle and intimidation. Rhonda doesn’t have to be a skilled runner or a beautiful passer, she just has to hurt people deep in those mysterious rucks.

Kendrick Perkins – NBA – Cleveland Cavaliers

Sense a theme here? Perkins may be confided to a suit for the finals but that hasn’t stopped him trying to fight Steph Curry… or trying to fight Drake, or doing other normal aggro-ass Kung Fu Kenny shit.

Jordan Speith – PGA - Golf

Accurate to a fault, calm under pressure, has a great first name… I’m trusting Spieth to give me a spot 20 minutes off the bench when the team needs a level head to steady the ship.

Saquon Barkley – NFL – New York Giants            

The second overall draft pick in the 2018 draft hasn’t even played a minute of professional football, but he’s the most highly touted RB in years and he blew everyone away at the combine, running a 4.40 sec 40-yard dash and pressing 225 pounds for 29 reps. Can’t teach that!

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