Last Week: 11-5

Season: 128-78-2

Los Angeles Rams (4-9) at Seattle Seahawks (8-4-1)

“The whole idea of Thursday Night Football is terrible. It’s ludicrous. It’s hypocritical. It’s a poopfest.”

That’s OUTSPOKEN Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman… a few days before playing in a Thursday Night Football match. Remember when his old buddy Marshawn was just there so he don’t get fined? It seems Ricky is out for the opposite. HE DON’T CARE WHO HE HURTS!

I mean, he’s right. TNF doesn’t exist for the players’ benefits – it exists so that they can corner another evening on the telly ratings. Which is dumb, at least hit up a Friday or Saturday. As Sherman goes on to elaborate, Thursday night is dead in the middle of the usual player recovery schedule. You’re asking players to play on half-rest and that’s bound to mean injuries and drama. But the players are getting paid either way, it’s the businessmen who are out there exploiting them. The people out there with more money than they could ever spend and their number one impulse is still to make more more more. Greedy bastards.

Oh looky here, Jeff Fisher’s been sacked!

Although… didn’t he get a two year contract extension like two weeks ago? Yeah, he did. Well hopefully for the lad he got a good ol’ payrise to boost up the severance cheque because this news was in no way surprising. They shoulda sacked him two years ago, maybe that was the confusion in the contract thingy. Having started 3-1, the Rams are 1-8 since then and even if Bill Belichick had six consecutive 0-16 seasons from this point he’d still have a better career record than the Fish. Also, sacking him now saves him from setting the NFL record for most losses as a head coach in this very game. He’s tied on 165 with Dan Reeves.

Safe to say they were thoroughly dismantled by the Falcons too, not that we didn’t all see that coming. Looked like the players had quit, the team was disorganised and the coach was plotting where to buy his retirement house once the money comes through. On the positive side for Ex-Coach Fisher, that kind of milking of the system surely puts him high on the list of options for a seat in Donald Trump’s presidential office.

And most important of all, it turns out his famous brag on Hard Knocks won’t come true after all…

In case you missed it, Russell Wilson threw five interceptions last week vs GB. That’s incomprehensibly bad for a guy as good as he is. Those are Ryan Fitzpatrick numbers. Surely that ain’t happening again.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by… let’s play it safe and say 98 points

Miami Dolphins (8-5) at New York Jets (4-9)

What the hell is this, aye? A Saturday night game? It’s like they think I have unlimited time to watch the NFL or something – Sunday morning kiwi time is impinging on my Premier League viewing. I watch the EPL on Sunday, the NFL on Monday. That’s how it works. Eh… I guess I won’t be missing much if I skip this one to be honest. The Dolphins kept their chances of cracking the postseason alive by beating the Cardinals (which I didn’t pick) but the cost was losing Ryan Tannehill for the season. Now, say what you will about the varying merits of Mr Tannehill but you cannot say he isn’t crucial to this team. Matt Moore cannot come in and do a Sam Bradford. There’s a ship that might be sailing.

Tannehill ends his fifth season with 2995 yards, 19 TDs and 12 INTs – the third year in a row that he’s thrown 12 picks. Clearly he can reel that in a bit but his 67.1% completion rate is a career high. As is the 8-5 record (he’s had two 8-8 seasons though). Same with the 7.7 yards per attempt. Following a slow start he really looked sharp as the Dolphins made the most of a weak mid-season fixture list, although he had three picks against the Ravens two weeks ago which took some shine off.

One thing is that Tannehill isn’t necessarily a crucial playmaker. Jay Ajayi gets plenty of yardage and they have a solid enough defence to keep things tight. This is a must win but if they do get it done then games against Buffalo and New England leave them with a possibility of that playoff spot they haven’t managed since 2008 (although a first playoff win since 2000 seems unlikely). Luckily the Jets are the Jets and they somehow spotted the 49ers a 14-0 lead before coming back to win. They won’t get away with that against a half-decent team.

Although… Ryan Tannehill did throw this pass so yeah.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 7

Cleveland Browns (0-13) at Buffalo Bills (6-7)

The Browns remaining schedule:

@ Buffalo Bills (6-7)

vs San Diego Chargers (5-8)

@ Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5)

So… will there be a parade for 0-16?

Actually, it appears there will be. Bravo, Cleveland. If you can’t laugh what can you do? (Go into politics).

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 10

Detroit Lions (9-4) at New York Giants (9-4)

Huge game here, not only for the two teams in action but also for all those buggers with an eye on a wildcard spot. Like, oh say the Green Bay Packers who need the Lions to drop a game somewhere and then also beat them head to head.

I’d even argue that this is the biggest game of the round. There are some big ones but this is huge, largely because both snuck in victories last time. The Lions were a bit average for ages last time out and then Matt Stafford did what he so often does and pulled out a victory from let’s-not-take-this-any-deeper. That’s massive and it keeps the Lions in charge of their division, which with the Vikings still hanging around and the Packers looking the best they have all season is still very much up for grabs. As might be the NFC East after the Giants proved that they know something nobody else does about the Cowboys by beating them for the second time. They’ll only need to tie them to beat them despite Dallas having been playing to wrap it all up that game.

Frankly, neither can really afford to lose this game, despite their sexy records. If the Lions lose, well the Packers are playing the Bears so 9-5 and 8-6 going into week 16 is a genuine possibility. The Packers host the Vikings that week which is a bonus for Detroit because it means only one of them can win out from here. The Lions in week 16? They play the Cowboys. Then the Lions host the Packers in the final game.

Remaining Games in NFC North:

Lions [9-4] – Giants (A) / Cowboys (A) / Packers (H)

Vikings [7-6] – Colts (H) / Packers (A) / Bears (H)

Packers [7-6] – Bears (A) / Vikings (H) / Lions (A)

The Lions are in a great place, they’re absolutely the favourites here and they’ve already beaten Green Bay once at Lambeau so there’s every reason to think they can win again. They’re two positive results away from that so if they can manage to squeeze a pair of wins against the NFC East then the Packers game will be irrelevant. Minnesota are stumbling and while they oughta beat the Bears if they drop the next two then they’ll already be out of it. The Lions have the tiebreaker over the Vikes so one win for them means the best Minny can hope for is a wildcard. 9 wins will be the absolute minimum there.

As for the Giants, if Dallas loses to Tampa Bay and they beat Detroit then oohwee we’ve got something on our hands all of a sudden. They have to overturn a two game deficit though so they’d also need to see Dallas fall to either Detroit of Philly. The Giants also play Philly and then have a tough one against the R**skins to close. It’s possible they clinch a wildcard with the right things all breaking their way this week but two wins will do it, more than likely.

Best not to expect a high scoring game. Each of these teams has had troubles scoring, although for the Lions that ends with a couple of minutes to play. This is gonna be tense and it’s gonna come down to who makes the big plays. Come on, it’s the Lions against the Giants. It’s guaranteed to end within one possession on the scoreboard with the losing team trying to overhaul.

The Giants gave up 6725 yards on defence last season, the worst in the league. The Saints gave up a bunch more points so the G-Men were only third worst there. Put it this way, it was tragic. They were abysmal. There’s a new coach now and they spent heaps of money in bringing in cornerback Janoris Jenkins, defensive end Olivier Vernon and defensive tackle Johnathan Hankins as well as getting Jason Pierre-Paul feeling a bit better and boom:

• 4541 yards against (14th in NFL)
• 244 points conceded (7th in NFL)
• 54.1% completion by opposing QBs (2nd in NFL)
• 5.1 yards per play against (8th in NFL)

Now they’re not quite the best unit out there but to so quickly get where they are in such a short amount of time is absolutely staggering. A team that once relied entirely on their star quarterback is not hanging in there and winning games with only 10 points. And that’s perfectly okay for them because there is only so long that you can keep Eli and Odell down.

Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 3

Philadelphia Eagles (5-8) at Baltimore Ravens (7-6)

Bloody Ravens, I really thought they might get up over the Patriots last week. Next thing they’re down a couple scores at half time and I had better things to do in the middle of a workday. Turns out they got close to catching up, but not close enough, the muppets. Not the most damning result to be fair, though they’re pretty much without a lifeline now. They’re deep in Mount Moon with one fit Pokemon and it’s poisoned and they haven’t saved since before they won the last gym badge. Don’t waste a single step, Flacco.

The Ravens have a habit of completely torching rookie quarterbacks that come to town. The Eagles are trash on the road anyway. Feels like way too long since I’ve dropped a good Poe reference in here. Baltimore hard, yo.

Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 8

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-7-1)

How about Le’Veon Bell for MVP then? Like, we’ve assumed that Tom Brady is in the mix despite missing four games so why not Le’Veon too? Brady’s dropped off in the last month and the conversation has probably now switched to Derek Carr, Matt Stafford and Matt Ryan with a dose of Ezekiel Elliot and maybe a hint of David Johnson but Bell deserves a bit of outside action too.

1053 RUSH YDS | 6 TD | 4.8 Y/A | 563 REC YDS | 1 TD | 8.4 Y/R

He’s done all that in ten games, which is impressive. Also with his quarterback being injured in there too. He’s short on the touchdowns which is a shame for him and probably costs him some votes, as does the fact there’s a guy out there named Elliott whose stats are even better in more time. But a nice indication that Bell is back at his best and that knee isn’t bothering him at all.

The Steelers have won four in a row and they should be able to wrap this up from here. The Bengals are a shadow of the team they were even last season so while there’ll be no love lost between these two bitter rivals (yeah, PILE ON THE CLICHES!), it’s hard to see Cincy winning. I’ll leave them to diagnose their own dramas. The Steelers have the Browns in week 17 which is a sitter (and will mean 0-16) and two wins will probably have them there. Week 16 is home to the Ravens. Could go either way there.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 4

Indianapolis Colts (6-7) at Minnesota Vikings (7-6)

Season over for the loser of this one, methinks. Andrew Luck against Sam Bradford, a couple number one picks facing each other for the first time with plenty of pressure on each of them.

Lucko: “This is as desperate as you can be in the NFL. It’s obviously a must-win. We understand that. Hopefully we can go out there and take care of business.”

Braddy: “We started out the season hot; we won five in a row. We believe that we’re still that same team, and we’re just looking to build off what we did last week and try to start a streak like we had early in the year.”

Except that while the pressure is gonna be on them for the state of their seasons, that’s not really what I mean. I was hinting more at the literal pressure of the pass rush. Massive dudes going straight for your head because the idiots aren’t blocking them. These two offensive lines in the same game, it’s like Von Miller’s wet dream.

Only the Browns have taken more sacks than the Colts and fair to say that if Andrew Luck hadn’t rushed more than 50 times this season that’d be a much bigger number. There aren’t too many designed runs in that lot. The Vikings are down in the middle of the pack for sacks but they also have an offence based around quick release passes for short gains. A better indication of why the Vikings’ O-Line is so trash is probably the fact they’re getting 3.0 yards per rush attempt. That’s nearly half a yard worse than the Giants and Rams.

To summarise in a word: TURNSTILES

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 3

Green Bay Packers (7-6) at Chicago Bears (3-10)

Aaron Rodgers across the last four weeks:

94/133 COMP | 1119 YDS | 10 TD | 0 INT

Matt Barkley’s complete season:

65/119 COMP | 801 YDS | 4 TD | 4 INT

Brian Hoyer’s Complete Season:

134/200 COMP | 1445 YDS | 6 TD | 0 INT

Jay Cutler’s Complete Season:

81/137 COMP | 1059 YDS | 4 TD | 5 INT

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 12

Tennessee Titans (7-6) at Kansas City Chiefs (10-3)

Delanie Walker: “It feels good. That’s the first time I’ve been 7-6 since I’ve been here and it’s a great feeling as you can see here in the locker room. I’m just happy.”

Small blessings, folks. Always be grateful for them. Live in the moment and keep things in perspective. The Titans won five combined games in 2014 and 2015. They just beat the defending champions.

(Yeah, don’t shout, I hear ya. The ‘defending champs’ are working with a new quarterback who’d never thrown a pass before this season and they barely held on for a 13-10 lead but let’s be fair and point out that the Titans ran all over a very strong defence. Not a strong rush defence as pointed out last week but 180 yards on the floor is nothing minor).

Rushing Leaders:

1. Ezekiel Elliott (DAL) – 1392 yds
2. DeMarco Murray (TEN) – 1135 yds
3. David Johnson (ARI) – 1085 yds
4. Le’Veon Bell (PIT) – 1053 yds
5. LeGarrette Blount (NE) – 1029 yds

The Chiefs are smart. They win games by playing to what they do well and avoiding mistakes. Just recently the Titans have started to do similar things, relying on the run game and cutting down the fumbles although they’re in for a tough one this week as far as that’s concerned – the Chiefs have 25 takeaways this season which is tied first with the Ravens, Buccs and Chargers. Marcus Peters and Eric Berry, man. Too much. But after eight turnovers in their first four games, the Titans have now played four games without a single one. That’ll need to continue if they’re to stop the Chiefs from effectively guaranteeing a playoff spot one way or the other. As well as keeping their own chances alive too. Hmm… might be a bridge too far tbh.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 6

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-11) at Houston Texans (7-6)

It wasn’t easy by any means but the win over the Colts now gives the Texans control of the AFC South. No pressure lads but it’s all in your hands now. Home to the Jags should be a sitter. Home to the Bengals is a potentially tricky one and then away to the Titans might turn out to be a pre-playoff playoff. Huge credit has to go to that defence for continuing to be as impressive as it has without J.J. Watt but the main takeaway from this is the hilarious possibility that Brock Osweiler is gonna be playing postseason footy. Probably. Look, if anyone can blow it from here it’s him the way he’s played all season. And, no, they can’t cut him next season or else we’re talking $25m in dead cap space.

Five worse things to be stuck with than Brock Osweiler:

1. Incurable disease
2. Mike Tyson in the boxing ring
3. Donald Trump as president
4. Bloodthirsty mythical beasts
5. Jeff Fisher as head coach

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 6

New Orleans Saints (5-8) at Arizona Cardinals (5-7-1)

When you’re expected to be challenging for the Super Bowl and have only won five games with less than a month to play, I can understand how hard it is to keep coming up with excuses. He’ll get an extra week before he has to stump up another one since they’re playing the Saints. As a fellow writer, there’s nothing more relieving than an extended deadline.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 9

San Francisco 49ers (1-12) at Atlanta Falcons (8-5)

Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 17

New England Patriots (11-2) at Denver Broncos (8-5)

I’ll just leave this here in memory of better games:

I still think that the Patriots are vulnerable with a couple of those injuries but they’ll find a way to get over the line a couple of times at least whereas the Broncos don’t seem to be able to put it on the scoreboard. They could miss the playoffs altogether, you know. These same Patriots did them a big favour by beating Baltimore to keep Denny in the sixth seed but the problem now is holding onto it. They’re two games down on both the Raiders and Chiefs, a loss with those two each winning this week would doom them there which leaves the sixth seed as the only possible entry point. Well, they play the Chiefs and Raiders in their last two games. 31 combined wins from their last three opponents. That’s as tough as it gets and they need to win at least two of them.

It’s not as rare as you’d think for the defending champs to miss the playoffs – the Giants still haven’t been back since their last Super Bowl. The Broncos did it themselves in 1999 and six further times since then. Might have to prepare for another one… though to be fair it’s the best time to miss the playoffs. Better than being the Bills and missing for an entire generation after only ever losing Super Bowls.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 3

Oakland Raiders (10-3) at San Diego Chargers (5-8)

Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 5

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5) at Dallas Cowboys (11-2)

DAK HAS TO START OVER ROMO! DAK HAS TO START OVER ROMO! WHEN ROMO COMES BACK, TELL HIM HE’S BENCHED THEY CAN’T RISK WASTING THIS GOOD THING THEY’VE GOT GOING HERE!

<Prescott has one bad game…>

BRING BACK ROMO! BRING BACK ROMO! BRING BACK ROMO!

Seeeettle down, ya bloody internet. Prescott was crap against the Giants but you don’t drop a guy after one bad game. Hell, it took five years or whatever for the Rams to fire Jeff Fisher. Might have been longer, I can’t be bothered checking. The decision’s been made so unless Prescott’s injured, my boy Tony’s gotta stay on the bench. I’ve accepted it, y’all gotta do the same. Jeez, the amount of criticism Romo copped at every opportunity and now everyone loves him? That really was some speech.

You know who leads the league in tackles? TBB’s Kwon Alexander with 86 of the buggers dropped. Sean Lee of Dallas is third by the way with 83. Two magnificent defensive players (Alexander also has four passes defended, an interception, a fumble recovery and 3.0 sacks).

I wouldn’t say the Cowboys have a good defence at all, just a great offence that doesn’t pile it on for them and a clever approach to playing it safe. The Buccs are better. They give up a few too much big yardage but they’re gamblers and they turn the ball over, which is… something the Cowboys don’t let teams not named the Giants do to them. Ideally I wanna see both of these buggers in the playoffs but the Buccs might need a bit of luck after losing this one.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 7

Carolina Panthers (5-8) at Washington R**skins (7-5-1)

I guess the Washington Pro Football team can still make a good playoff run with a win here. Can’t catch the Cowboys but they can sneak in with a wildcard yet, that draw gives them the jump over other nine win teams, pretty sure. But… we’ll give them a week to sort it out first. Win and we’ll talk next time, I’ve got other things to write.

Playing us out… yeah I’m definitely feeling some Muddy Waters today mate.

Wildcard’s Pick: R**skins by 3

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. The gypsy woman told his mother before he was born: “I got a boy child comin'. He's gonna be a son of a gun”. The gypsy woman was only partly wrong.