Last Week: 13-3

Season: 141-81-2

New York Giants (10-4) at Philadelphia Eagles (5-9)

Oh man you’ve gotta be kidding me. Two weeks ago everybody was sceptical about the Giants, it was all ‘soft schedule this’ and ‘weak offence’ that and a couple tight wins over the Cowboys and Lions and suddenly its ‘Super Bowl!!!’ Get outta here with that, dude, they scored 27 points combined in those two games and the Lions aren’t even booked to be a playoff team yet. Jeezus, how are they gonna win three playoff matches without even the semblance of a rushing game? What are they gonna do when Odell Beckham’s sat in triple coverage and Eli’s got three angry buggers running straight at him? Nah the Giants aren’t going to the Super Bowl. Really impressive defence and a team that’s always in the mix with their QB/WR combo but they’re not winning the damn NFC on that alone.

I blame Bill Simmons, he was talking up Eli vs Brady III the other day which also carries the assumption that the Patriots are going to beat the Steelers, Raiders, Broncos, Chiefs, Ravens, Dolphins, Colts/Titans/Texans all without Rob Gronkowski and that appears to be a large assumption. They’re the best in the AFC but that doesn’t mean anything come fourth down in the playoffs. Is it just me or is The Ringer kinda crap? Yeah, I know it ain’t just me. Billy finally wrote something the other week and it was a hypothetical about Boogie Cousins on the Celtics. Who says Boogie Cousins is going to the Celtics other than Celtics fans? Damn I hate that lot. Simmons you just settle for Andrew Bogut already. Diverging further into NBA territory, yes Brad Stevens is a good coach. Yes, Al Horford is a great player, but the Celtics aren’t contending in the East, they’re not even making the Eastern Finals until they’ve got a proper scorer.

Back to the task at hand now. The G-Men shouldn’t have any trouble with the Eagles, who after that lovely start are now guaranteed a losing record. They’ve dropped five in a row and that whole thing about Carson Wentz being flawless in the first month? Turns out that’s the only way they win is with a perfect quarterback. At least they’ve got a good one to build around this time, no more Bradford or Foles or Sanchez or whatever – all three of those guys now on different teams. A sub-standard campaign but I think most Eagles fans will see the sunny side of things.

Which leaves the Giants as the relevant team here. A loss and they cannot finish ahead of the Cowboys. A Cowboys win over the last two weeks ensures the same thing. Hard to see them doing that although there’s everything to gain with the winner of the NFC East set for the first seed.

Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 7

Atlanta Falcons (9-7) at Carolina Panthers (6-8)

It’s the second to last week of the regular season and there’s drama on all sides, from teams trying to edge into the playoffs to teams trying to edge out their head coach and starting quarterback. But it’s also Christmas so the games are on a slightly different schedule this round. The Thursday night game above takes place as usual though the bulk of the games are on Xmas Eve in the US… meaning 12 games all taking place on Christmas Day in New Zealand. This is why it’s hard to support foreign leagues even in the internet age. But hey, we make do coz we love it, right?

There are also two games on Monday NZ time and a Tuesday encounter, all three of those are absolute belters too – six potential/probably playoff teams all taking wins off each other at a time where there’s no more time to get those back.

The Panthers are out of contention (actually they’re not… but they may as well be) but can still get back to .500 with a couple wins to close their season. They’ve already won their last two in a row. Should they get to 8-8 then they’ll avoid being the first team to make the Super Bowl and then follow that up with a losing season since the Chicago Bears in 2006-2007 and that Bears team had Rex Grossman as quarterback, not the reigning MVP. Well, they had Rex right up until they benched him a couple months into it. Hard to believe a man who never had a season completing at 60% or better made a Super Bowl so recently.

In week four the Falcons put 48 points on these Panthers. It’s been a happy warm-up too as they’ve tackled a couple terrible teams in the 49ers and Rams the last two games and beaten them by a combined 83-27. They had 550 yards of offence against the Rams which is something they’ve only bettered once all season – 571 against the Panthers. Hmm, that does seem to suggest a particular result now. I’m a little wary of the Falcons, to be honest. Any team that can put up 40+ on five separate occasions in one season (which could rise to seven coz they’ve also got the Saints so two games remain against teams they’ve already dropped 40 on before) is a team that can get ya in the playoffs.

The Falcons aren’t playing for consolation prizes, they’re still in it for the million dollar reward. Win this game and it’s almost impossible that they drop out of the playoff hunt. If they win this with the Buccs losing as well (which I’m not predicting) then they clinch the division with a week in hand (they can win out and do that anyway). If they win and the Lions or Packers lose then ten wins will be enough for a wildcard spot and beat the Panthers and they’ll have that.

There is still a way that the Falcons win here and don’t make the playoffs though. Here’s what’s required for that unlikely scenario:

First the Falcons need to beat the Panthers, obviously. That needs to be followed by Detroit doing the dirty over the Cowboys in the last game of the round with Tampa Bay also bearing New Orleans and Green Bay doing Minnesota in. If that all happens we have a 10-5 Falcons team who would drop to 10-6 with a loss to New Orleans in their final game, allowing the Packers to tie them with their tenth win of the season next week against Detroit, who themselves would end 10-6 as well. Tampa Bay can then beat Carolina for the division title and the Falcons would be sweating the tiebreaker between themselves and the Lions and Packers – which would come down to strength of schedule.

The only NFC teams already making playoff reservations are the Cowboys and Seahawks.

Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 9

Miami Dolphins (9-5) at Buffalo Bills (7-7)

Okay then, with the Broncos losing and the Dolphins getting past a useless Jets team that puts the Dolphins into the sixth playoff seed meaning that the backup Matt Moore can take this team into the postseason with two wins in their last two games. They play the Bills here, who are done for, and the Patriots next week which sounds abysmal but they might have already secured the first seed by then and we could see some Jimmy Garoppolo or Jacoby Brissett if Belichick’s feeling generous. Which… I get the feeling he never is (unless he’s writing ‘non-political’ endorsements for unsuitable presidential candidates the week before an election). He’s the Grinch of the NFL except he also wins.

Hey, two-thirds completions, four touchdown passes with only one pick and 236 yards through the air… Matt Moore was good enough for the Fins to win in New York so that’s the first test passed. It’s kinda like the playoffs for the playoffs already, every game is a knockout and they get progressively harder.

It’s funny, the Dolphins released Matt Moore when the new coaching staff came in last offseason. Moore went around with workouts for teams like the Colts and Cowboys while the Dolphins had a look at Brandon Weeden. Hard to believe, but they passed on the Weedle and when the offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach made the case for Moore they decided to bring him back after all. Now it’s up to him to get them over the line for their first playoff berth since 2008… him and Cameron Wake and Ndamukong Suh and Jay Ajayi, that is.

All Rex Ryan wants for Christmas is his job but he probably won’t get to keep it any longer than two more games. I think that’s a little harsh but whatever. It’s a business… just like commercialised holiday periods. This game’s a real toss-up but I prefer picking the team with more to gain.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 3

Washington R**skins (7-6-1) at Chicago Bears (3-11)

You blew it, Washington. First politically and then footballingly by losing to the Panthers. 9-6-1 ain’t getting you into the postseason. I mean, it might, but probably not. I’m assuming either the Packers or Buccs get to ten wins and that’ll mean kerplunk for the NFL’s most racist team. Which is sadly not an isolated island they sit upon.

Ah but enough about that, let’s get some Xmas cheer into this sucker!

Wildcard’s Pick: R**skins by 6

New York Jets (4-10) at New England Patriots (12-2)

AFC East Winners since 2001:

2001 – New England Patriots (11-5)

2002 – New York Jets (9-7)

2003 – New England Patriots (14-2)

2004 – New England Patriots (14-2)

2005 – New England Patriots (10-6)

2006 – New England Patriots (12-4)

2007 – New England Patriots (16-0)

2008 – Miami Dolphins (11-5)

2009 – New England Patriots (10-6)

2010 – New England Patriots (14-2)

2011 – New England Patriots (13-3)

2012 – New England Patriots (12-4)

2013 – New England Patriots (12-4)

2014 – New England Patriots (12-4)

2015 – New England Patriots (12-4)

2016 – New England Patriots (12-2)

How can you not look at that and absolutely despise them? The record for the most consecutive division titles was 7 by the Rams between 1973 and 1979. The Dolphins screwed it up for the Patriots having gotten to 5 so they went and did it again and the win over the Broncos broke that record with their 8th in a row.

No wonder Jets fans are always so depressed. Well, that and things like this don’t help either, this is their quarterback:

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 12

San Diego Chargers (5-9) at Cleveland Browns (0-14)

I’ll say this much, if there’s a team out there that it wouldn’t surprise me might choke one away against a winless Browns team it’s the Chargers and I know that’s unfair because they got their horrific chokes all out of the way in the first month but reputations linger, you know. To be honest though, I think this is one of those games between eliminated teams where motivation is slim to begin with and it’s gonna come down to who can haul themselves off the ground and convince themselves they really want this. And I think the Browns really, really want this. And by *this* I mean 0-16. How else can you explain their season?

No comment on Robert Griffin III either. Let him do his thing without endless eyes watching.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 10

Tennessee Titans (8-6) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-12)

Still not a hundy on how the Titans were able to win that game. Down 17-0 to the Chiefs who are as stable a team as it comes normally (though with some Andy Reid exceptions, naturally) and even when they had the comeback touchdown they went and spoiled it by fluffing on a two-point conversion when the PAT woulda tied it. It was at that very moment that I stopped caring about that game. The dramatic two-pointers for the lead are great spectacle and you’ve gotta admire the guts, hell the Raiders’ wonderful season was kick started by that exact thing… but when you fail you’re an asshole, no ifs or buts. So bloody strike me down with a Von Miller sack if I wasn’t chilling on the Redzone channel when suddenly the Titans are lining up a game-winning field goal with the clock all but expired. And poor old Andy Reid reverse iced the kicked, boom Titans win. Mike Mularkey was crying tears of joy. If that ain’t Christmas Spirit then I dunno what is.

Speaking of coaches, the Jaguars no longer have one after Gus Bradley was very understandably sacked. For some reason they still think Blake Bortles can win them games but Big Bort’s probably safe more because of the timing of this than anything. Save that conversation ‘til they’re drafting a quarterback in the top five in a few months’ time. They were 14-48 under Gusboy, a 22.5% winning record which is the worst ever for a coach with at least 60 games. They pretty much didn’t care about winning, it was all about getting better which is ridiculous because wins are how you measure if a team is getting better. Bloody idiots. Jalen Ramsey got pissed that they were losing all the time and they warned him to stay disciplined. Nah bro, hold those muppets accountable for what they’re doing. When you’re now into your sixth year in a row without any more than five wins then stuff’s gotta change.

The more I watch them, the more I’m really falling for the Titans. I’d love to see them sneak on into the playoffs and with a homer vs Houston next week it’s probably gonna be in their hands. Let’s be honest, they’re the best team in the AFC South.

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 8

Minnesota Vikings (7-7) at Green Bay Packers (8-6)

Aaron Rodgers is a cold-hearted son of a bitch, ain’t he? Somehow the Packers blow what looked an untouchable lead against the Bears but with just enough time for Rodge to go and do this:

Stunner of a throw right there. Absolutely amazing.

Yo Adrian Peterson was back for the Vikings! Oh what a game-changer, exactly the jolt they needed to get them over the line and into the playoffs, the kind of RB that and succeed no matter the offensive line in front of him and… he had 22 yards with a fumble against the Colts. They lost 34-6 having been blown out early. The last undefeated team in the NFL and they’re almost certainly not making the playoffs now, in fact it’s pretty difficult to see them winning another game the way they’re tracking. 2-7 since being 5-0, there’s nothing to see here folks.

Mike Zimmer: “I don't think it was lack of effort. I think for some reason they were, maybe lethargic is the right word. I kind of felt it in pregame. I don't know the reason.”

Isn’t that the same thing?

Also, the Vikings aren’t housing homeless people at their stadium. That was a hoax.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 6

Indianapolis Colts (7-7) at Oakland Raiders (11-3)

Guts to Andrew Luck’s lot, they needed a bit more of his namesake because despite one of their most convincing and assured wins in a long time their playoff chances actually got worse last week. Too much ground to make up and the Titans and Texans both won. Worst part of that is the Titans and Texans both stole wins from the proverbial jaws of defeat, enough to leave the city of Indianapolis wishing it was still NASCAR season. Is it still NASCAR season? I actually wouldn’t know. Although now that I think of it, the Indy 500 is Indy Cars anyway not NASCAR. Shoulda thought of that before I started writing. (Editor: Shoulda edited that before you hit publish too, dumbass).

One loss and it’s over for the Colts, they’re teetering on the brink. Luckily they have the Jaguars next week but this game… this game is going to be a nightmare for them. Not in the least because of what Khalil Mack might do to that O-Line. Part of their only remaining playoff scenario involves the Texans losing twice and the Titans losing to the Jaguars. Good luck with that, Tom Savage is an unstoppable force.

Shout out to the Raiders, they’re into the playoffs already for the first time since 2002 when they lost to Tampa Bay in the Super Bowl. Rich Gannon was MVP that season. Well, the long dark winter of oppression is over, they’ll be dancing like ewoks in the streets of Oakland.

BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH! They also probably need another win to clinch the AFC West for the first time since 2002 as well and while they’re at it, getting a top two seed and a first round bye sounds like a good idea also. They’re away to the Broncos next week, who will also be playing for their playoff lives. Tough little finish for the Raiders but a few close and dramatic wins keeps Derek Carr’s name in the headlines and does that MVP case no harm. Right now I’m still riding with Ezekiel Elliott but I get the feeling a lot of others are looking at that Cowboys offence as a collective whole so that might not help Zeke.

Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 3

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6) at New Orleans Saints (6-8)

Win two and through, that’s the message for the Buccaneers who have their division rival Panthers to thank for giving them control of their own destiny again having lost it with the defeat to Dallas.

This is such an exciting part of the season, with everything leaning in towards the playoffs and the rubbish teams getting cast out of consideration, thankfully. I think the Saints still have a slight chance but nothing worth considering, their main thing last week was that they knocked the Cardinals out who were my pick to make the Super Bowl from this side of the league before the season. Whoops. 

Say, let’s play this game again:

PLAYER A: 60.8% COMP | 3611 YDS | 25 TD | 15 INT | 87.2 RATE

PLAYER B: 62.2% COMP | 3327 YDS | 25 TD | 9 INT | 96.7 RATE

PLAYER C: 63.9% COMP | 3540 YDS | 26 TD | 11 INT | 94.9 RATE

PLAYER D: 63.4% COMP | 3491 YDS | 25 TD | 13 INT | 89.3 RATE

PLAYER E: 61.5% COMP | 3694 YDS | 22 TD | 13 INT | 85.8 RATE

Your options are, in alphabetical order: Eli Manning, Marcus Mariota, Carson Palmer, Ben Roethlisberger & Jameis Winston. Answers at the end of the article.

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccs by 7

San Francisco 49ers (1-13) at Los Angeles Rams (4-10)

Typical Niners, ruining Christmas for children. Next time just tell them that Santa used to play in the defensive line in SF but he failed a couple drug tests and beat up his wife so you had to suspend him… until video came out and suddenly it was worth the cut it should have been worth in the first place. Was that too on the nose for the season?

What a goddamn abysmal game of football. Please go quietly into the long night of the off-season, both of you.

Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 6

Arizona Cardinals (5-8-1) at Seattle Seahawks (9-4-1)

The last time these two played it was a masterclass in crappy field goal kicking as they both missed sitters to condemn each other to a rare draw. Speaking of field goal kicking, here’s a snap I grabbed late in the Monday Night game…

Now, the Panthers’ kicker Graham Gano missed one after this so they didn’t get the all-time record they were looking at but dammit they were close. This one goes out to all the dickhead moaning about the standard of kicking in this league – there’s actually evidence out there that it’s never been better so cram it in ya pipe and smoke that bad boy good.

Cheers to David Johnson, a rare positive in a disappointing season in Arizona:

He’s also gotten himself a very deserved Pro Bowl nod, with those announced during the writing of this thing. The Seahawks are going to win this game at home, they always do, so enjoy the Pro Bowlers instead:

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 6

Cincinnati Bengals (5-8-1) at Houston Texans (8-6)

Folks, let me introduce you to Tom Savage, who is poised to make his first career start in the NFL following on from a solid showing last week for the comeback win against Jacksonville, relieving Brock Osweiler when he was finally dropped. Here are some facts about the Savage one:

• 26 years old from Springfield, Pennsylvania
• Stands at 1.96m and weighs 104kgs, wearing the #3 on his back
• Attended Rutgers University
• Drafted by the Texans in the fourth round of the 2014 NFL Draft

And… that’s the profile on the side of google search all exhausted. Never thrown a TD, has 387 career pass yards with 260 of them coming against the Jaguars. I get the feeling that the Jaguars maybe exaggerated a few expectations and this could be a disaster… but then so was Brock so no worries. Forget about the Bengals though. What Savage loses in being average, the Bengals will give back in penalty yardage anyway. ‘Tis the season, after all.

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 2

Baltimore Ravens (8-6) at Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5)

Enormous game. Practically a playoff playoff. The Ravens have already beaten the Steelers once this season so another win in enemy territory this time will tie them up and give Balty the swing on head to head. On the other hand if the Steelers correct the ledger with a victory then they take out the division. It’s winner takes all and it’s on Christmas Day.

Damn, those are some high stakes…

The one backup prize for the Steelers is that they can still maybe get a wildcard spot if they win next week. The Ravens won’t have that luxury – there are too many decent teams in the AFC and nine wins is very unlikely to be enough. The Ravens have won 9 of 12 against the Steelers though, including the last four in a row. They know what they’re doing… although they’ll need to be better than last week and with a 2-4 road record the signs are kinda average.

Worse too that Jimmy Smith is injured and in big doubt, which makes guarding Antonio Brown a long shot and if you don’t close that guy down, you don’t beat Pittsburgh. That’s the duel too – if Baltimore’s superb run defence can slow down Le’Veon Bell then stopping Antonio Brown as well gives them a great chance. Otherwise one of the two is gonna trot all over them for yards and a playoff berth. This one’s gonna be massive.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 1

Denver Broncos (8-6) at Kansas City Chiefs (10-4)

2000 was the last time the Chiefs swept the Broncos but methinks they’ll do it again after 16 years. Of course there’s lots to like about what Denver do but they don’t have the offence to overcome teams and ultimately that’s gonna be what keeps them out of the playoffs (another prediction, that one’s for free). The Chiefs had their wake-up call last week. A close game suits both teams but it’s Kansas City that’s more likely to make that winning drive when they need it – that’s what was so weird about how they lost to the Titans, it’s usually them that do that to other teams.

They could try scoring second half points again though, that’s be nice. They beat the Broncos in overtime a few weeks ago and in three games since they’ve scored 67 points… but all in first halves. Also, just like last week it is going to be freezing in KC. Slightly warmer but still freezing and that doesn’t do well for throwing the ball. I prefer the Chiefs’ run game by a margin.

SANTA’S SACK LEADERS FOR 2016:

1. Vic Beasley (ATL) – 14.5
2. Von Miller (DEN) – 13.5
3. Lorenzo Alexander (BUF) – 11.5
4. Cliff Avril (SEA) – 11.5
5. Khalil Mack (OAK) – 11.0
6. Brian Orakpo (TEN) – 11.0
7. Ryan Kerrigan (WAS) – 11.0
8. Danielle Hunter (MIN) – 10.5
9. Cameron Wake (MIA) – 10.5
10. Dee Ford (KCC) – 10.0

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 3

Detroit Lions (9-5) at Dallas Cowboys (12-2)

The last three games of this week are all must-watchers and this is potentially the biggest of the lot. Or… nah Ravens vs Steelers gets that nod but this one’s still important. The Lions, what a horrible schedule to close things out. Just lost to the Giants, now get Dallas and Green Bay with at least one win necessary. I don’t think a win in either is out of the question though, they have that habit of winning late and each of these opponents are stocked with less than ideal defensive options in some places.

Not David Irving though, the virtual unknown had a monster game to help the Cowboys beat Tampa Bay. That guy was amazing with a couple of sacks and plenty more too. This is not light praise:

But mostly I wanna say pats on the back to Zeke yet again. The NFL didn’t even fine him for jumping into the Sally’s pot – apparently he did wonders for their exposure and indirectly earned a whole bunch of money for them in donations. Charitable post-TD celebrations, the new frontier.

I’m just not that sure that timely offence and short completions is the way to beat Dallas, who’ll keep the ball off of you and let you have the short ones to protect the long ball. The Lions play the way the Cowboys want their opposition to play, so if Detroit’s going to win this they’ll need turnovers and they’ll need to plug the run. No small task, that one. Like delivering presents to the entire world on a sleigh pulled by reindeer all in one night (extended for time zones, of course).

Quiz answers:

(Eli = D, Marcus = B, Carson, E, Ben = C, Jameis = A)

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 3

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. Fa-lala-lala…lala-la-la.