Last Week: 10-6

Season: 151-87-2

New England Patriots (13-2) at Miami Dolphins (10-5)

Well, here we are. In some ways it’s the quiet before the storm and in other more accurate ways it’s also the moment at the end of the film when we all look wistfully over our shoulders before riding into the sunset. There are some huge games still to be played, some enormous stuff on the line still… but for the most part it’s all been wrapped up. The baddies have been defeated, maybe a couple are still alive so we can organise a sequel but yeah. Job done, pats on the back all around. We did this thing, guys. We did it.

Just like the Dolphins, who don’t even need their star quarterback (to be fair their star quarterback is still worse than at least a dozen other stars so it’s easier to replace a bit of Tannehill than it would have been, say, a Tom Brady for example). Like, here they are. A couple of Matt Moore wins and they’re in the playoffs – they don’t even have to worry about whether the Patriots rest players or anything, they can take up that luxury themselves. Bloody hell, things really fell into place. Of course, beating the Bills was a massive part of that, you don’t win ten games accidentally. Shout out to Adam Gase, he’s done a magical job.

This is about the time to mention that getting to the playoffs is probably the peak for the 2016 Dolphins. They might cause an upset once they get there, more likely they won’t. Still, it’s been a couple years since they made it even this far – 2008 was their last playoff appearance, 2000 was their last playoff win.

Would you trade a first and fourth pick for Jimmy Garoppolo? Coz I bet somebody gives up that much or more over the next few months.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 3

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-12) at Indianapolis Colts (7-8)

Irrelevant.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 7

Carolina Panthers (6-9) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-7)

I don’t wanna be Negative Ned over here…

… but it’s pretty hard to see the Buccs making the playoffs now after they lost to the Saints. Bloody Saints, coming through on Christmas aye? I shouda guessed it. Anyway, the Buccs still have a chance but it’s a slim one. ESPN’s predictor thing has them at a 0.016% chance. A whole bunch of games have to break correctly, here’s the formula that’ll see the Buccaneers through:

First they need to need to win this game, obviously

Then they need the Packers to lose to the Lions and the Giants and R**skins to tie… which creates a situation where the Packers and Buccs are tied with 9-7 records and the R**skins are eliminated at 8-6-2.

So then it comes down to strength of schedule and for the Buccaneers to edge that they need the 49ers to beat the Seahawks (could happen, the Hawks might be resting) to boost their own numbers then there are three games involving teams the Packers have beaten that would need to lose to edge things. The Jags losing to the Colts, the Eagles losing to the Cowboys and the Texans losing to the Titans. The first two are more than likely. The third is up in the air. Let’s be honest though, it’s the tie that’ll screw them over.

Both Super Bowl teams are eliminated from the playoffs the following season. Yowza. Last time that happened was 2003 when the Buccaneers and Raiders met. It’s the fifth time it's happened.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 6

Chicago Bears (3-12) at Minnesota Vikings (7-8)

This one might be sad, could be a few tears shed by some heartbroken fans when they remember how excited they once were and that this is the way their seasons have turned out. Makes you wonder why we even do this sports thing… until the new season rolls around and the optimism returns.

Speaking of, let’s play Bears 2017 QB Sweepstakes:

• Jay Cutler
• Brian Hoyer
• Matt Barkley
• Jimmy Garoppolo
• Tyrod Taylor
• Colin Kaepernick
• Tony Romo
• Kirk Cousins
• Mitch Trubisky
• DeShaun Watson
• DeShone Kizer
• Literally Anybody Else

My bet? I think they’d been keen on a bit of Garoppolo or one of those top three QB draft prospects at the end. Obviously they’d love Romo, but if he leaves then he’s gonna have better options than the Bears. Probably several of them. Although… any team investing in my boy Tony needs to have a backup for the inevitable injury.

Wildcard’s Pick: Vikings by 6

Cleveland Browns (1-14) at Pittsburgh Steelers (10-5)

THEY DID IT, BY GOD THEY DID IT! What a historic year for the city of Cleveland. The Cavaliers won the NBA championship, the Indians went on a playoff run all the way to the World Series… and the Browns won a game. No 0-16 over here, folks. I wonder if the 2008 Lions get together for drinks each year when the last team wins a game just like the 1972 Dolphins do when the last team loses one.

Nothing to play for here but playoff rhythm for the Steelers. The Browns are off the duck and the Steelers, thanks to that thrilling Christmas win over the Ravens, have now clinched the division. They can’t get a bye but they will need to play either the Dolphins, Chiefs or Raiders in the playoffs next week so can’t get too lazy, aye. That’s six wins in a row by the Steelers, if you were wondering. Tied longest active streak in the league with the Patriots.

The reason this game is a going-thru-the-motions thing? That’d be Antonio Brown, son.

What an incredible play, there are like three guys surrounding him and the clock’s ticking so if he doesn’t make it to the endzone there’s a good chance the game ends right there for a Balty win. But there was no way he was getting out of bounds, the only option (considering that no NFL players ever consider the legendary lateral) was to score and somehow he twisted through contact, ducking and diving, and managed to extend that ball to safety. Incredible. And to think that an entire season can come down to that moment.

Also, that was his fiftieth touchdown from Big Ben, 50 tuddies as he called it on twitter. I love that, I’m calling them tuddies as well now. Cheers Browny. Here’s the lot of them, watch this and bear in mind what this combination – along with Le’Veon Bell the legend – might do in the playoffs. Steelers vs Patriots in the AFC Championship game would be a 45-42 thriller one way or the other. That sounds amazing to me, dunno about you.

Umm… this is DeAngelo Williams dressed as an elf before last week’s game.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 12

Buffalo Bills (7-8) at New York Jets (4-11)

This’ll be the fourth season that I’ve picked results for. Back in 2012 the column (which was my debut for the Nichey Niche) started midseason and I logged a 54-28 record. The following seasons I filed predictions for the whole lot of them and here’s the damage:

2013 – 159-97-1

2014 – 170-85-1

2015 – 154-102

2016 – 151-87-2 (with 16 games left)

It was a slow start to this one, so no hope of catching that fine-ass 2014 season but there oughta be enough left in the tank to beat those other two years. Finger crossed and all that, you probably don’t care. Moving on now…

THE RYAN’S HAVE BEEN SACKED! NO MORE REX AND ROB! Rest easy, sweet princes. This league is not made your delicate kind…

Nah fair enough. They’re defensive minded fellas who took over a defensively proficient team and made it worse. There’s been difficulty with the quarterback situation but Tyrod Taylor isn’t the worst and while his weaponry was limited too, he also had LeSean McCoy running around him, only the fourth top rusher for the 2016 season. McCoy’s been superb and he’s battled injury in there too.

Pretty harsh to sack Rex before he got to go to NYC for his final game. I mean, we all sorta knew they were planning on cutting him for the last month or whatever but cold blooded, guys. Come on. Also Tyrod Taylor’s not playing this game…

They benched him officially and then he go the day off at practice. No injury, just business. For real, the stand in coach Anthony Lynn called it a “business decision”, since if he’s injured in this game and can’t pass a physical in March then his contract option is guaranteed under an insurance clause in the deal and the Bills would proooobably rather let him loose than keep him around.

Seasons since last playoff appearance:

1. Buffalo Bills – 17
2. Cleveland Browns – 14
3. Los Angeles Rams – 12
4. Jacksonville Jaguars – 9
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 9
6. Tennessee Titans – 8

The Buccaneers are the only one of those teams still with a chance to get in for 2016. Gotta win this week and hope the wildcard situation works out for them.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 5

Dallas Cowboys (13-2) at Philadelphia Eagles (6-9)

Here’s the list of quarterbacks taken before Dak Prescott (4th round, 135th overall) in the 2016 NFL Draft:

• Jared Goff – Los Angeles Rams (1-1)
• Carson Wentz – Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)
• Paxton Lynch – Denver Broncos (1-26)
• Christian Hackenberg – New York Jets (2-51)
• Jacoby Brissett – New England Patriots (3-91)
• Cody Kessler – Cleveland Browns (3-93)
• Connor Cook – Oakland Raiders (4-100)

Three of the 2016 draft class made the Pro Bowl: Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott and Kansas City WR Tyreek Hill. There are rookie records on the line for both the star Cowboys stars and this is not the least of them:

Buuut they probably won’t even take the field in the second half if the team can help it. Mark Sanchez is gonna take most of the snaps at QB, according to reports. It’s mental given that Tony Romo is there but they don’t wanna risk their security blanket quarterback playing behind a few reserve linemen when they could still need him in the playoffs. He’s not expected to play at all this game, so that means the first season since 2003 that he won’t have taken a single regular season snap. Damn, guys. Take the risk and give us one more Romo moment. I guess there are more important things on the line.

You know what that means, Dez Bryant will have more touchdown passes than Tony Romo in 2016. Save some applause for Dontari Poe for the Chiefs too, who is now the heaviest man to ever throw a tuddy. He rushed for one this season too… and he’s a defensive tackle.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 3

Houston Texans (9-6) at Tennessee Titans (8-7)

Wow it really all fell to pieces for the Titans, didn’t it? Down goes Marcus Mariota and down go their playoff hopes in the process as they lost to the Jaguars – a Jags team who’d sacked their coach a little while back and had nothing to lose. I mean, when Blake Bortles is catching TDs on trick plays you really know they’re cutting loose. All or nothing. It’s the same strategy that the New Orleans Saints seen to start with every season.

So Mariota finishes with 61.2% passing for 3,426 yards with 26 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. Easily his best season and one that bodes well for the future of the team now that their quarterback seems to be finding his feet as a pro. This is a guy who can be a proper pocket passer, maybe not Russell Wilson or Tom Brady but good enough for a few playoff runs down the road. Just a shame he couldn’t start that off this time around. 4-5 months they say the recovery will take, a fractured right fibula. Should be okay long before preseason. Hopefully there are no long term effects of this, few things in this sport suck more than promising young players getting seriously hurt.

The Texans are in. All hail Tom Savage… who has still never thrown a touchdown pass in the NFL. They won 12-10 against a Bengals team that was already out of it. He threw for 176 yards on 18/29 passing. That tells you two things: one is how that defence can still bring game-winning pressure without J.J. Watt and the other is how utterly terrible Brock Osweiler has been.

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 2

Baltimore Ravens (8-7) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-9-1)

Two teams that in recent years have been pretty good at making those playoffs but this time they’re both on the outside looking in. Which means you can chalk up one more year on the tally of those since the Bengals last won a playoff game. 1990 AFC wildcard round, they‘ve lost eight in a row since which ties the NFL record with the Lions, whose is also active but they’re at least still a chance to make it and break it this year. That might be a good thing for the Bengals, the Lions make it while they don’t and then Detroit loses which extends their streak to nine while Cincy sit at home laughing. Won’t help the year tally though.

Years Since Last Playoff Win:

1. Cincinnati Bengals – 26
2. Detroit Lions – 25
3. Buffalo Bills – 21
4. Cleveland Browns – 19
5. Miami Dolphins – 16
6. Oakland Raiders – 14
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 14

Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 3

Kansas City Chiefs (11-4) at San Diego Chargers (5-10)

One more time for the lad Travis Kelce. With the Chiefs playing to eliminate the Broncos and keep their chances of a first round bye and division title alive, Kelce had an absolute monster of a game… something he’s done a few times this season now you mention it. Greg Olsen is the only other tight end with at least 1000 receiving yards and even he can’t touch Kelce’s numbers:

Travis Kelce: 84 REC | 1117 YDS | 4 TD

Do you know how many other tight ends have an 80 yard reception this season? None is the answer. Ha caught 11 passes for 160 yards against Denver, missing just one target. It was his sixth 100+ yard catching day in 2016 and his fifth in six weeks. Plus the dude is one of the best blocking tight ends out there too, as sound without the ball as he is with it. That’s a fantastic option at TE, right up there with the very best out there (Greg Olsen, Vernon Davis, Jimmy Graham, Jason Witten, Delanie Walker, etc.).

There’s heaps of pride on the line for the Chargers who are the only team out there who could lose to the Browns and then beat the Chiefs in consecutive games. This is what I wrote about the Browns vs Chargers game last week:

“I’ll say this much, if there’s a team out there that it wouldn’t surprise me might choke one away against a winless Browns team it’s the Chargers…”

Didn’t pick it, but not entirely unexpected. Surely the Chiefs with so much potentially on the line are gonna come through though. Surely! … Surely?

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 7

Oakland Raiders (12-3) at Denver Broncos (8-7)

Oh man, this sucks. The Raiders were so much fun, strutting on into the playoffs with a flurry of late victories but the injury to Derek Carr is a massive, massive blow. They’ll still be solid enough, like they could win this game no doubt. There are some powerful defensive players in there and with Crabtree and Cooper they’ve got a pair of wideouts who can do damage regardless of who’s throwing the ball but the biggest strength of this team has been Carr’s borderline MVP emergence.

Carr’s 2016: 63.7% COMP | 3933 YDS | 28 TD | 6 INT | 96.7 RATE

Latavius Murray can run it okay but he’s not a dude who’ll bust defences too often, he’s definitely not a dude they can win a playoff game on the back of. Matt McGloin’s gonna need to take the risk of spreading that thing out and the defence will need to play outta their skins… which is a tough ask when you’re looking at an AFC situation that features the Patriots and the Steelers, who aren’t about to be stopped by Oakland, sorry ‘bout it.

Super Bowl potential to single playoff win potential. What do you know, aye, the Patriots hang around and cop another break. I smell a conspiracy (see, it goes both ways).

Problem for the Raiders is that they haven’t even clinched that division yet. Gotta win on the road against the Broncos or hope the Chiefs slip up against a team in San Diego that just lost to a 0-14 team. Luckily they’ll probably play Houston if they do slip into the wildcard round so that’s a winnable one with or without their star QB.

Khalil Mack: “It’s real tough, man. First off, that’s your homie. Not only that, but knowing what we’re trying to achieve, I know it hurt him.”

The Broncos are out. No playoffs for the defending champs. Still a magnificent defence, led by Von Miller, but they couldn’t go anywhere on offence and it wasn’t just the quarterbacks. The offensive line was significantly worse and they couldn’t run the ball – Devontae Booker is their top rusher with 555 yards, which is 28th in the league. They’re in a tricky place now because they’ve got two young quarterbacks who are worth persevering with but they have a defence that screams WIN NOW! It’s bloody hard to build a unit that good and you don’t wanna waste it, hence we’re gonna have to hear trash about Tony Romo and whoever else might be available. Tough decisions for John Elway, though I get the feeling he’d take Romo at a jump.

This was the first time since 2010 that the Broncos have missed the playoffs, even Tim Tebow managed that much.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 6

Seattle Seahawks (9-5-1) at San Francisco 49ers (2-13)

Silly old Niners, the Browns went and won a game and the Niners followed suit meaning they miss out on that valuable little first overall pick. See, pride matters. The rest of this game… not so much.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 3

Arizona Cardinals (6-8-1) at Los Angeles Rams (4-11)

Six defeats in a row for the Rams, good luck making it seven. After a few unlikely winners came through last week the Rams are left with the longest active losing streak now. Haha. This one should be a stinker… wonder where Carson Palmer’s career will be in a few months.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 10

New Orleans Saints (7-8) at Atlanta Falcons (10-5)

Matt Ryan has a great chance of hitting 5000 yards in this game, he’s at 4613 for the season so far. Devonta Freeman needs 17 more yards to get to 1000 for the season. Julio Jones has 1313 receiving yards with a game to play (assuming he does). That’s how good this Falcons offence has been. There are times when they don’t get that last, decisive play and that could be a worry in the playoffs but they also have the all-round firepower to foot it with any team out there. Only one team has more yards of offence in 2016… the New Orleans Saints. Flippin’ heck, wouldn’t have picked that although they’ve scored 65 fewer points and have run nearly a hundred more plays so it almost doesn’t count.

Defensively they’re both on the bad side of average, so while little else matters this week, here’s a game you can at least tune in and tune out for. Like a Hollywood action movie, there’s no substance but enough thrills that you forget how stupid it all is. It’s always nice to watch a brainless film here or there. Takes the pressure off.

Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 7

New York Giants (10-5) at Washington R**skins (8-6-1)

Not picking a tie, sorry Buccs fans. Although I’m also already picking your team to lose, so yeah. Just don’t like the potential for a young team bouncing back strong after a gutting loss when there’s realistically nothing left to play for. They’re a team of the future, just like the Raiders and the Titans. One injury can ruin all of that so playing for next season in the NFL is a hugely risky thing but those teams, if the wind is blowing the right way, should be better next time.

The Giants are usually pretty dangerous, though I’m sketchy about the long term possibilities of this Washington team especially with that Kirk Cousins thing yet to be solved. At a push, I’d say he stays and re-signs. He should probably realise that anywhere else he goes is a huge gamble when the team he’s at is gonna finish on the fringes of the playoffs and he’s on the verge of 5000 passing yards with them. Not even joking, that sucker sure crept up. He needs 370 yards to get there, not impossible. By the way Drew Brees is only 142 yards away from yet another 5k season himself.

And the R**skins are still in this thing themselves. With all the other playoff thingies sorted and only seeding still to play for, there are three teams looking for two final places in the NFC. The Skins are one, the Packers and Lions are the other. First they need a win, then they need a result in the final game and bingo, that’s it. Washington would be in.

Can they do it, can they beat the Giants? Sure, why not?

Wildcard’s Pick: R**skins by 6

Green Bay Packers (9-6) at Detroit Lions (9-6)

The final game of the 2016 regular season and quite possibly the most important one too. Definitely the biggest game of this final round, it’s Packers vs Lions for the NFC North and a spot in the playoffs. By the time it kicks off we’ll know whether a loss will eliminate either, that all depends on the Giants winning against the R**skins or not. If the G-Men do come out on top, then who cares they’re both in… although the division title is a big deal.

Then again, if there’s a tie here then they both go through and the R**skins are out. Conspiracy potential? The overtime would be a disaster but that kinda collusion isn’t unheard of in sports. There was a FIFA World Cup game once where that happened in the 80s, one team just passed the ball around for the last ten minutes and nobody tried to tackle them. They changed the rules so that the last games are all at the same time after that to keep from such future happenings. Time for the NFL to start exploiting loopholes. It’s working everywhere else in America.

Lotsa expectation. The Packers have won five in a row and suddenly look great again… is it an illusion? Buggered if I know, I’ve given up trying to interpret these guys. The Lions, they’ve been very good for most of the year but late season defeats to the Giants and Cowboys have left them on the brink. Matt Stafford against Aaron Rodgers. Funny thing is he didn’t even tell us to relax this time but Aaron Rodgers’ season numbers are gonna come out of the wash looking sparkly enough that we’ll look back and wonder what the big deal was. Much better stats than Staffy… except that only Derek Carr comes close to Staff’s eight game winning drives. That’s an incredible figure.

So who is better? The beauty of this game is that it’s so hard to say. The Lions at home, the Lions who are so amazing in the clutch… against a legendary QB back to the best form he’s shown in at least a year if not two on a team that’s straight up rolling this last month. Tempted as I am to take the piss and pick a draw… may as well flip a coin on it.

See ya next season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 0.1

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. If you need to get a hold of him, he’ll be at the beach until somebody lets him know that the Patriots have lost. Only then will it be safe.