The Wildcard’s NFL Predictions - Week 2
Last Week: 9-7
Season: 9-7
New York Jets (0-1) at Buffalo Bills (0-1)
Ah, piss off with the stupid TNF games, will ya? Like, just bury this trash under the rug of the Sunday fixtures where nobody without a vested interest has to watch it – chucking it here in a major timeslot only means that unexpecting victims are going to be exposed to it.
At least it won’t be as bad as that Monday Night Debacle between the Rams and Niners. Oh boy, that think stunk stronger than a skunk on a treadmill. This one is mostly just boring.
The Jets were alright against Cincy. They rushed the crap outta them and paid the price with AJ Green punishing them down the field but then the Bills don’t have an AJ Green so that could mean a big day for the NYJ defence. Then again, the Bills beat them twice last season and I know it isn’t a relatively long journey but I usually prefer the home team in the Thursday night games and I suffered for ignoring that rule last week.
Should be a tough game for the QBs and a low scoring one because of that. Could be a grinding watch. I’ll sum it up in this way: the Jets gave up the second fewest rush yards per game in 2015 and the Bills rushed for the most. They topped 120 rush yards both times they played the Jets and so that seems like as good of a marker as any. Whaddaya say, LeSean?
Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 6
New Orleans Saints (0-1) at New York Giants (1-0)
Wow, I know I should be congratulating him for winning his first game as an NFL head coach… but did you get a look at Ben McAdoo?
He looks more like the well-meaning but dull and unintelligent manager of a backtown southern waffle shop than the head coach of an NFL team to me. But whoever it was who plotted the defensive strategy against the Cowboys – presumably DC Steve Spagnuolo – they sure earned their waffles because the idea of cutting off the deep ball and stacking the line worked perfectly in forcing rookie Dak Prescott into midrange passes that eventually he just didn’t have the finesse to make. Clever stuff, as was testing Dallas’ weak secondary without hesitation. Eli and Odell are gonna be the difference in more than a couple games for the G-Men, sure thing.
The Cowboys’ playcalling cost us a shootout like we might have gotten if Tony Romo was playing. That won’t be a problem against the Saints. Drew Brees and Eli Manning both to pass 300 yards for the game, there ya go.
Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 7
Kansas City Chiefs (1-0) at Houston Texans (1-0)
Well now, the biggest comeback in Chiefs history aye? Down 21-3 at halftime vs the Chargers and they went on to win 33-17. Alex Smith threw for 363 yards with 2 TDs and a career-high 48 pass attempts. Those are Andrew Luck numbers. Those are Matt Stafford numbers. Those are certainly not Andy Reid numbers. Funny enough, in the ten games in which Smithy has thrown his most passing yards before this one, his team had a 2-8 win-loss record.
So… don’t expect this to continue. The Chiefs are a risk-free team – at least until Andy Reid gets into the last few minutes – and that’s what they’ll continue to be. Nice to see they can air it out when they need to though. The Texans looked good with Lamar Miller and rookie Will Fuller in their offence, although they were only playing the Bears. Just as the Chiefs were only playing the Chargers. KC beat Houston 30-0 in the playoffs last season, this’ll be closer but should go the same way. Lots to work with for the Texans though, as JJ Watt works his way back to health, Jadeveon Clowney establishes himself and Brock Osweiler gets used to the tools around him. Fuller playing opposite DeAndre Hopkins is gonna get room to work in too.
The Chiefs comeback covered my arse on the picks too. Which was nice because a 9-7 start already feels pretty harsh given that I picked the…
- Panthers to win (lost by 1 – missed a late FG)
- Saints to win (lost by 1 – conceded late 2pt conversion)
- Cowboys to win (lost by 1 – late drive came up short)
- Colts to win (lost by 4 – gave up FG & safety in the last 33 secs)
- Cardinals to win (lost by 2 – conceded late FG)
There were six games decided by two points or less in week one and eleven decided by a touchdown or less. Good week for picked teams to cover and a bad week for picking teams overall.
Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 6
Tennessee Titans (0-1) at Detroit Lions (1-0)
Stupid Ass Power Rankings:
- New England Patriots
- Pittsburgh Steelers
- Denver Broncos
- Green Bay Packers
- Carolina Panthers
- Seattle Seahawks
- Cincinnati Bengals
- Kansas City Chiefs
- New York Giants
- Arizona Cardinals
Everyone else does them, I may as well.
I’m holding fire on the Lions for a week or two because the Colts did not appear to be up to all that much themselves in that game, Andy Luck aside as per usual. Good win though, and this is another game that they should be able to bank in the W column. Shout out to the Tennessee defence for their work on Adrian Peterson but that doesn’t ignore the fact that they lost to Shaun Hill.
Guess what? The Lions’ offensive coordinator’s name is Jim Bob Cooter. He got the gig last year when Jim Lombardi got the flick, promoted from QB coach. He’s doing great things too, look at how much solider Stafford’s been and how effective Theo Riddick was in week one. Great stuff, played in a quick rhythm and a communal approach. But… Jim Bob Cooter. Hehehe. His real name is James Robert but nobody will ever call him that again.
JBC: "I mean, that's just -- I didn't make a conscious decision. I think maybe my parents were really into marketing, so we were trying to sell some T-shirts from an early age."
Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 10
Dallas Cowboys (0-1) at Washington R**skins (0-1)
Bro, Josh Norman. You wanna have a talk to those coaches there son. They pay you the big bucks to be their top corner and then they leave the job of guarding Antonio Brown up to friggin’ Bashaud Breeland? Mate, Breeland is a bloody good player and he’s gonna get a lot of interceptions this season… but that’s because you’re out there tanking the best guys every week. And what makes it even stupider is that as well as Martavis Bryant being suspended, Markus Wheaton was also injured so $75m so far has gone towards marking Eli Rogers in his first ever NFL game.
I get that the Steelers move Brown all over the place (hell, they give him sweep rushes and everything) so moving Norman around can screw with the formations. But… the result was this.
JUST LOOK AT HOW SAD THEY MADE KEVIN DURANT! Poor KD, between his fiddy million buck contract and his Olympic gold medal, these have been a tough few months for… wait a second, no it hasn’t! It’s been amazing for the bastard!
Ooh but if you didn’t think that both of these two teams losing in week one makes this particular clash even tastier – and it does, 0-2 would be a bugger for any team with playoff ideas such as these two, especially the R**skins since the Romo injury means that the Cowboys are gonna need everyone else to finish at nine wins or lower for them to progress – then here’s another twist to the tale…
YEAH RUSS! THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION!
I mentioned Dak before and he was impressive enough but he’s gonna have to start throwing long if he’s gonna be winning games and that’s up to the offensive coordinator as much as anything. But then Dez Bryant also had a couple of catches where individually none of them were likely catches but normally you give him four of those and he’ll haul one in. I’m excited for this game, I think if the Skins are willing to play more open then they can put some points on but if not, well the Cowboys keep it close with their run game (Zeke will get better rewards, no worries there). It might be most interesting for the Alfred Morris revenge game against his old team that let him walk to a rival.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 1
Miami Dolphins (0-1) at New England Patriots (1-0)
If the Pats are gonna keep on winning games without Tom Brady OR Rob Gronkowski then I don’t even wanna write about them anymore. Like, what else is there to say? How about the fact that they ALWAYS beat the Dolphins, especially at home.
Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 4
Baltimore Ravens (1-0) at Cleveland Browns (0-1)
When you lose by 19 points to a rookie quarterback and your own new QB goes down injured and suddenly you’re left trying to find a backup plan to Robert Griffin III, you don’t get picked the next week. Hue Jackson says they won’t try trade for a new QB, they’ve got nothing to trade with anyway. Right now it looks like an uphill slog just to win four games in 2016. Absolutely horrendous.
Hey, good thing everyone’s still pumping on LeBron and the Cavs then. If the Browns are quiet enough, the citizens of Cleveland might forget they even have a football team. Hear no evil, see no evil.
Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 13
San Francisco 49ers (1-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-1)
I wonder if Ron Rivera considers giving Cam Newton a break after he got pretty ruthlessly targeted by the Broncos in week one. Doubt he gets that rest, but I wonder if it goes through the mind. After that first up loss, a team that started 14-0 the year before is gonna hit back rather hard.
Feel free to overreact about the 49ers getting their biggest win since 2013 if you will but what I saw was an LA Rams team that couldn’t move the ball forward if there was a tornado pushing them towards the endzone. There won’t be many more games in which Blaine Gabbert is the better quarterback. In fact take a look at their next couple months of fixtures:
@ Panthers / @ Seahawks / vs Cowboys / vs Cardinals / @ Bills / vs Buccs / vs Saints / @ Cardinals / vs Patriots
I mean, the Cowboys, Bills, Buccs and Saints are very vulnerable but you can be damn sure that they’re targeting the Niners more than the Niners are targeting them. Maybe they sneak a win or two but if Chip Kelly’s buggers are anything better than 3-7 after that Patriots game then I’ll just have to buy a Jarryd Hayne jersey. Oh no wait he doesn’t play for them anymore.
Anyway, I’m burying the lede here. During that Niners-Rams game which I picked so horribly wrong, some dumbass teenager ran onto the field. He actually made more offensive yards than Todd Gurley did too, before security finally got to him and he took a knee. And since he wrote his phone number on his chest for some reason, Deadspin went and called him up. I’m not gonna go down the slippery slope of glorifying pitch invaders (also, note to international media: you’re not a ‘streaker’ if you’ve still got your pants on) but I am interested in one thing that he said:
From Deadspin: “They put me in cuffs and took me to the back, but because I’m a minor, they just looked for my dad and my dad picked me up. They banned me for a year, but if I wanna go back I have to do a course online and write an apology letter to the stadium for breaking the rules.”
What the crap!? Write a letter and fill out a survey and that’s his only punishment! I mean, he probably wouldn’t wanna go watch the Niners again anyway this season. They’re rewarding him with the gift of time not wasted at Levi’s Stadium. Bit weird, all that.
To be fair, the online course takes four hours and costs $250 so it ain’t quite a formality. Plus its online so you don’t even get to meet the rest of the cast of vagabonds and ruffians that’ve been ejected from Levis. They do offer it in Spanish though.
Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 30, no jokes
Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
It may be a long season but already I’d be shocked if we see a better post-TD celebration than my man Antonio Brown over here. Everybody’s reporting this as twerking but that ain’t twerking, mate. For a second there I thought it might be too until the final pump with the hesitation and then it was clear. This was a Hingle McCringleberry Special.
Of course, Brown snuck in five pumps whereas McCringleberry clearly learns that only two are permitted and the third pump is the one that draws the flag. I guess you may as well push your luck as far as it’ll go, right? The ref is clearly reaching for the flag after four and given the rapidity of the first quartet then you can probably assume the thought was established in his mind by the third. Interesting that it also took four hits to the head before Cam Newton got a flag in his favour.
You know, Key & Peele did a lot of great sports skits and one reason they’re great is because they actually put some effort into the sporting side of things. Nobody’s gonna mistake the halfassed beach throw for the first TD there for anything other than going through the motions but it’s still a valid formation. It’s still a genuine looking team of players. And they do the broadcast side of things magnificently. Flippin’ treasures of comedy, those lads. Remind me to watch that Keanu movie they did, I’d bet it’s funnier than it got credit for.
Both these teams got off to winning starts. The Steelers won by plenty more. This is a big old divisional game nice and early in the season, anticipate violence and a Steelers victory. AJ Green vs Antonio Brown shall be fire.
- Green vs NYJ: 12 rec, 180 yds, 1 TD
- Brown vs WAS: 8 rec, 126 yds, 2 TD
Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 3
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0) at Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
The Buccs could be a very handy team in 2016 but the Cards already are that and then some. Gotta imagine they end this game with level records.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 7
Seattle Seahawks (1-0) at Los Angeles Rams (0-1)
So one of the big conclusions of week one is apparently that the Seahawks maybe aren’t as good as they’ve been in recent years. It took a late TD to overcome the Dolphins in week one and when you’re double digit favourites playing before your home crowd, that isn’t really good enough. That offensive line has been a dodgy thing since they traded away Max Unger for Jimmy Graham and yeah they were roughed up by Ndamukong Suh and company. But… that’s Ndamukong Suh. There’s a reason he’s on a $114m contract. Also, he stepped on Russell Wilson’s ankle and you cannot convince me he wasn’t feeling that for the rest of the game, even as he dragged them down the field for the winner. Seattle will be fine.
The Rams on the other hand…
That oughta forecast this one as well as it possibly could be. Todd Gurley will have much better days than 47 yards on 17 carries. That defensive line is still all quality (aside from its lack of discipline, that’s a problem). But there’s only so much you can do with Case Keenum throwing at 48.6% completion for only 130 yards and this against the woeful 49ers that gave up the sixth most passing yards last season.
Meanwhile in non-Seahawks but still kinda Seahawks news…
Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 12
Atlanta Falcons (0-1) at Oakland Raiders (1-0)
Mate, no holds barred here, Jack Del Rio has some proper guts. That man is a true gambler.
Ice cool, man. Just ice cool.
Hmm but to me that’s a sign of an average team. A team that trusts themselves and believes they’re a better side than the New Orleans Saints (which they ought to be – at least they have the higher ceiling in 2016) then you take the regular point after and back yourself to get it done in OT. Taking the all-in approach says to me that winning the game is a bit of a luxury. Having said that it might also be the twist of fate that gives them that belief from here on.
Have you watched Donald Glover’s ‘Atlanta’ yet? Definitely gonna try write something proper about that show, it’s so good.
Unlike the city’s football team, which is merely adequate. I like that Mohamed Sanu appears able to give them a much needed alternative WR to Julio Jones but if Matt Ryan can’t play without pressure then they’ve not got too much hope of the playoffs. As for that defence, yuck. But cut out the penalties on both sides of the ball and they can win here. Don’t think they get there all at once though.
Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 3
Indianapolis Colts (0-1) at Denver Broncos (1-0)
On the plus side, Andrew Luck looked really good. On the negative side, the rest of them aren’t up to much. That’s the Colts for ya, I know he signed a new extension not that long ago but Chuck Pagano’s job looks dodgy once again.
As for the Broncos they showed that even with an inexperienced QB leading the pack, the rest of those guys haven’t let off too much from winning that Super Bowl and all. They never really relied on the QB in 2015 anyway. I’m imagining something like this, with the Colts the horse on the receiving end:
That’ll mean an 0-2 start for the third season in a row. They haven’t been 2-0 since Peyton Manning had them 14-0 back in 2009. Meanwhile the earliest the Broncos have lost their second game in the last three seasons is week nine.
I s’pose this is Peyton Bowl, ain’t it?
You know the last week was the first time an NFL season had begun without Peyton Manning or Tom Brady starting somewhere for some team since 1997.
Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 7
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) at San Diego Chargers (0-1)
Welcome to the new season, Chargers fans.
Wildcard’s Pick: Jaguars by 6
Green Bay Packers (1-0) at Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Dunno which matters more, the fact that the Vikings couldn’t get Adrian Peterson going at all against the Titans or the fact that they still managed to win even with Shaun Hill. I’m leaning towards the latter but I can’t imagine they get away with what Hillbags does up against a much better team. How long until we see Sam Bradford in action?
In a full season of games, Aaron Rodgers’ career stats vs Minnesota read like this:
11-5 W/L, 68.9% comp, 34 TDs, 5 INTs, 113.2 Rtg
Also, he throws touchdowns when most mere mortals take sacks:
Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 6
Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Chicago Bears (0-1)
Between all the rookies starting at quarterback in week one, namely Wentz, Prescott and Siemian (who isn’t a rookie but threw his first pass vs Carolina so close enough), it was Wentz that showed the most upside. The other two were good, each in a not-intimidated-by-the-occasion kinda way, with the Broncos backing that composure up and the Cowboys doing the opposite. Then there’s Jared Goff who was mercifully spared from having to front the Rams’ offence. But Wentz didn’t just handle the occasion, the dude made plays, man.
But let this be the theme of this week: Settle down, Gretel Brown.
Week one is the all-time skewed week of skewed weeks. We still don’t know how to value those results because we don’t know which teams are good and which aren’t yet. Some we obviously have a fair idea about but not to where their seasons are on the tracks they’ll end up tied to. The Browns are almost certainly a terrible team and maybe it’ll turn out their secondary does okay and this was a repeatable feat by Wentz but there shall be no guess work here. Except… for the entire concept of picking results and all that. But yeah, apart from that. Prescott and Siemian would have torched that team as well. Still, Wentz has gotta be better than Sam Bradford was last season, if only for the optimism factor.
I have a feeling we’re in for a bit of a crashing back to earth game this week. The Texans have a renowned defence over there and the Bears stuck with them that first half. Can’t see a team that short on offensive difference makers winning too many more than six games this season but this might be one of them. The MNF factor always weirds things up too.
On that note, to play us out this week it’s the king of weird, Captain Beefheart!
Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 2
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. And even he could be doing a better job running that LA Rams offence. Bro, not even joking.