Initially, the training manual of 'How to Win a Game' looked to have been vandalized from the Nix. Applied to the arse of a homeless man in the bushes under Grafton Bridge. In the last 4 weeks, Ernie Merrick has wiped away the shit stains, re-written a few pages in his own writing, and bashed that hobo back into the darkness. The players have been taking notice with a shiny apple on their desks, and were ready for the next chapter. Round 15, Phoenix vs Melbourne.

Luckily, I managed to sneak down the slopes of Auckland CBD to find myself at Fox’s Ale house with a few like-minded chums. Pints, chips, and girls were ordered, with the latter never turning up, despite our good looks and suave football banter. But that didn’t bother me. In fact nothing bothered me much in the proceeding 90 minutes. Not only were the beers cold and chips hot – but Jesus fuckin’ Christ, the football from the Nix was unreal. As you’ll no doubt agree (or will, after reading the next 500 words or so), my use of the dear lords name in vain is highly justified.  

Ernie’s boys unveiled possibly the best performance in the history of the club. A 5-0 win over a team they had only beaten twice in 20 previous encounters. That’s right, read it again if you need to. Ask a stranger on the street, a Jehovah’s Witness at your front door, or even a lonely goldfish in an Asian restaurant – they’ll all nod and confirm that crazy result. From the first whistle, they looked confident, stroking the ball around like an 80 year old lawn bowler. Melbourne, on the other hand, could have been compared to a pair of inebriated 9 year olds (very topical), playing that tennis ball on a pole game. You know what I’m talking about.

The first half was really owned by Carlos Hernandez. His short passing, smart runs & obvious enthusiasm clearly making the Phoenix tick – and it was his cracking finish from the edge of the box that gave Wellington the lead. Tyler Boyd with the cheeky fake from Vinnie Lia’s pass, Hernandez taking a handy touch and slapping in straight into the bottom corner in the 18th minute. Booyah.

At 1-0, none of us were getting too carried away, but I found it pretty strange that we were still the only ones in front of the big screen. The Nix were still knocking it around well leading up to half time, I would have considered what an above-par A-league contest. That was until your typical English footy dictionary plonked his arse down at our table – he seemed a decent bloke and was there by himself (Clearly not looking to score though, as is normally the case with Fox’s) so he tuned in with us. Not sure if he knew something we didn’t, but within 5 minutes of his arrival, DJ Kenny Cunningham stepped up to the mic, and dropped the bass right into the top corner from about 30 yards. He won’t hit too many like that – on the half volley, dipping it just under the crossbar.

While we were still yapping on about how much fluke was involved in that wonder strike– Carlos sells a poor bugger down the river inside the box, and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Penalty on 45 minutes.  He gets up, brushes that dust off his shoulder, and converts the shit out of it – no wuckin’ furries. So it’s 3 zip headin into the sheds. Awesome. The only way Melbourne could POSSIBLY get back into this would be if something comes completely out of left field.

So Ernie Merrick obviously hears me spinning that yarn to ol’ Porky Pie to my left – and decides to keep it interesting. Off comes Hernandez and on goes 17 year old Matt Ridenton, with 40 mins to go. Whoa, big call mate – and Hernandez ain’t happy. Well Matty clearly can’t match the impact of Nando, but credit to him for playing it safe, and getting back to defend when needed.

No more reeaal action until my best mate Jezza Brockie comes on for the last quarter hour. He injects a bit of pace to compliment Stein’s ‘torque’ up front. With about 5 minutes left, man of the match Albert ‘backpacker’ Riera fires through a cracking ball… and Brockie finishes it! With his left foot! Bottom corner! I know – what the freakin frick!! He’s definitely buying a lotto ticket.

Big ups though – clearly Brocoli’s been under pressure after receiving plenty of slapstick critisism from us here at the Niche Cache. With a spring in his step, he yelled ‘fuck the haters!’ and with 2 minutes to go, delivered a pretty mediocre cross which Huysegems somehow cushioned with the control of Zeus, and slotted into the bottom corner.

Two goals in two minutes – cherries raining down all over the Cake Tin. I still can’t believe it. Ernie Merrick needs a big pat on the back, and a big pat somewhere else from his other half. GG Albert Riera, deserved man of the match with the speed and guile of an expert Mario Kart player – he’s got the moustache to match.

This Saturday, the Nix face table topping Brisbane Roar, IN Brisbane. This is the one guys. If the Nix can get a result here, well slap my arse and call me Shirley, that’d be just great. Fuck yes I’ll have fries with that. I’ll see ya there.