When David Moyes’ personal letter to Manchester United season ticket holders was released last week, fair to say it was met with a collective apathetic shrug of the shoulders. A lot of the same old clichés and excuses we’ve been hearing from struggling footy managers for years, as if there’s a manual for non-controversial, endearing answers or something.

Well, funny story, there is such a book. And we’ve got some pretty handy connections here at Nichey Headquarters, as you’ve surely guessed by now, and have managed to get our greedy paws on it. It's called 'A Farewell to Harms', and was written by Norman Mailer. Here’s what Moyes was really saying:

Translations in parentheses (The real answers are in the brackets)

A Letter From The Boss (But not Bruce Springsteen, sorry)

“While I knew that this job would be a challenge when I took it on (It’s a tough gig, you think you could do better?), the difficult season we have experienced was not something that I envisaged (I figured I’d have won a few more trophies by now, isn't that how it works?), which I am sure is the case as well for you supporters (Look, I’m as frustrated as you lot are) – and my players, staff and I are desperate to compensate for that (Despite what it looks like, we haven’t given up yet…).

You are accustomed to seeing a successful Manchester United (Stop comparing me to Fergie!) and the backing you have given the players and I throughout the season has been incredible (Thanks for not going all Ukraine-y on the streets). Away from home the travelling fans have remained the best in the country (Your tickets are paying my wagers, cheers for that), while at Old Trafford your unwavering faith has been noticeable and hugely welcomed ($$$). Supporting your team when they are winning is easy (At least you’re not fair wCity fans), but much harder when things are not going as well (or Liverpool fans born after the 80s), and the loyalty you have shown us has been magnificent (I can’t believe I’ve still got this job!).

Everywhere we turn, people outside the club have a lot to say about Manchester United (Lazy, parasitic media bastards…), but we have all stuck together through some tough times this season (We’re on the same team here) and I firmly believe that, in the long run, we will all come out at the other end, stronger for the experiences (Don’t worry, this is all a part of my plan). Everything we have been through will make us a better, stronger team and club in the future (See, we’re actually getting better by losing these games!).

Over the years you have seen great winning sides here (Yeah, I watch Match of the Day, too) and, in time, I have absolutely no doubt that we will see great winning sides here again (All I need is a few more years…). A big step towards that will be transforming Old Trafford back into the fortress it has long been renowned as (My grand scheme is to stop to losing home games), and we will do everything in our power (We’ll spend lots of money) to get the positive performances and results to do that (Money = Wins), so that we can give you Season Ticket holders and all our supporters something to shout about (You’ll soon be able to wear your jerseys out in public once again, and give the noisy neighbours what-for).”

Signed: David Moyes (Reigning manager of Manchester United, now and forever!)