Whoah-oh-oh, hold the phone! Remember that Loic Remy to Liverpool deal from last week? Well, it’s off. No go. Remy failed a medical and Pool backed that truck right up. This is really weird, and QPR boss ‘Arry Redknapp has (as per usual) had plenty to say: "He had a stringent medical here, one at Newcastle, one with the French team before the World Cup. He's never had a problem with his fitness - you couldn't meet a fitter lad". So did Liverpool just decide they didn’t want the guy after all or is he actually injured? Given that he’s played a World Cup since the French team medical, it’s not as if he couldn’t have gotten hurt since then. Typical ‘Arry, just talking for the sake of it. The thing is, Brendan Rodgers’ explanation was all vague. We just decided not to go through with it, sorta thing. Remy was gonna take Luis Suarez’s no. 7 shirt, but I guess that’s up for grabs again. Rodgers certainly seems chuffed over the Sturridge/Sterling/Markovic combo, but you do need some backup, especially with a Champions League campaign looming. So guess where LFC are looking for that? Yep, Southampton. Jay Rodriguez is much wanted by Spurs, and now Liverpool have stepped in too. This just days after Dejan Lovren was finally confirmed as a Liverpool player (for £20m).

Let’s give this one its own paragraph. Southampton have already sold Lovren, Lallana and Lambert to Liverpool (a lotta L’s in that…). Rodriguez and Morgan Schneiderlein are somewhat close to joining Spurs to reunite with manager Mauricio Pochettino. Luke Shaw has left for ManYoo, and Calum Chambers, just this morning, signed with Arsenal. Dani Osvaldo is expected to be given the boot too (Inter Milan are all over this). That’s £97m in transfer income, with plenty for to come, seemingly. You could buy a James Rodriguez or a Cristiano Ronaldo with that money, if only you could convince them to play beside Dusan Tosic and Graziano Pelle – the Saints lone summer signings. New boss Ronald Koeman has some work to do.

Oh, and on the Gunners, they’ve also gotten Colombian keeper David Ospina for an undisclosed fee. He’ll deputise for Wojnoj Schznzheyzhzney.

And here’s one for the nostalgics, courtesy of Chelsea:

Chelsea have another situation on their hands though with Romelu Lukaku. It’s still hard to see where he fits into this team having never been given a shot at the first team, spending the last few on loan at Everton. The Toffees want him fulltime, and reportedly so do Real Madrid and Juventus. Wow. Some reports say that Everton have already agreed both a loan and permanent deal for Lukaku and it’s up to CFC to decide which to press yes on. Everton have definitely secured Bosnian hitman/footballer Muhamed Besic on a five year deal. He’s a centre back/defensive mid who played all three games for his country at the World Cup. And is scary to look at. I'm getting a Jimmy Darmody vibe from this guy.

Louis Van Gaal says he and Manchester United are not about to spend money for the sake of it. He’ll only buy players who can improve his options and he’s in no rush to go about it. Which suggests that rumours of a £50+ deal for Angel Di Maria aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Leave that one to PSG, it seems. Speaking of leaving, say bye-bye to Bebe, that guy that Fergie signed without ever having seen play and he turned out to be pretty average. Not quite useless, just not Champs League quality. He joins Benfica permanently. And if you read the right papers, it sounds like Marouanne Fellaini and Shinji Kagawa could be on the out. Fellaini I can understand, but Kagawa I’d be surprised. More than likely it’s all just farts in the wind. Also, if LVG wants Kevin Strootman from Roma, it’ll cost £79m. And their pursuit of Thomas Vermaelen may be hijacked by Barcelona.

We’re still waiting on Eliaguim Mangala’s transfer to Man City to be completed. It’ll be around £32m when it happens, which is a lot to pay for a 22 year old, but this French fella could be something great.

Samuel Eto’o was offered to West Ham, but the Hammers can’t afford his wages.

Here’s Rio Ferdinand, Steven Caulker and others' pathetic attempts at the traditional karaoke initiation with the QPR lads:

Over to the continent, and one of the top French guys from the World Cup is on the move. Antoine Griezmann has agreed to join La Liga winners Atletico Madrid, who’re putting that Diego Costa money to good work. Griezmann was a Spurs target, so… oh well. The Angel Di Maria thing is gonna fund Real Madrid’s move for Falcao, and if they miss out on him, Lukaku will apparently do. Not sure if that works or not. Lazio have announced they’ve bagged Stefan De Vrij, who they call the best defender in the world. Inter Milan really want Gary Medel from Cardiff, and Romulo is close to a deal with Juventus. Meanwhile Arturo Vidal will sit down with Juve to talk over his future.