Last Week: 5/10

Overall: 52/110

Bournemouth vs Newcastle United

Is it too soon to all this a relegation six-pointer? Probably. For one thing I only think one of these teams is going down.

It makes for a strange game, this, with neither side looking much in terms of grinding out results (aside from Newcastle’s 6-2 whateverthatwas against Norwich), yet both of these teams will be targeting this for exactly that. Which team that doesn’t know how to win will win against the team that doesn’t know how to win?

The fun thing about this is we’ve got the northern-most team in the Premier League against the southern-most. That’s one hell of a trek for Newcastle, who have a terrible away record recently taking just 2 points from their last 12 such games. Obviously the players have their first class travel plans but it’ll be tough for the fans to follow them. It’s a 6-7 hour train ride and a road trip of Geordies sounds like the worst film ever made.

It’ll be even worse on the trip back when they finally get a win on their travels.

Wildcard’s Pick: Newcastle 1-0

West Ham United vs Everton

These two teams, both outside European threats (Everton more in that out, maybe), have a history of surprisingly entertaining games. But they tend to go the way of Everton, whose only loss to the Hammers since the 2006-07 season was a 9-8 penalty shootout defeat in an FA Cup replay in January. Other than that it’s 11 wins and 5 draws in 16 games in all comps.

And it just so happens that Everton are coming into good form, having pumped Sunderland 6-2 (a team the Hammers drew with), while WHU fell 2-0 to Watford. But it’s a fascinating game with several fascinating duels. How Dimitri Payet and Ross Barkley go head to head is mouth-watering (especially since both are in my fantasy team) while John Stones marking Andy Carroll sounds like all sorts of fun.

Maybe Winston Reid will be back for this one. If not it’s tough to see how they handle Romelu Lukaku, who offers the same physicality with far more of a scoring touch compared to Carroll. The good news is that James Collins is suspended so he won’t be able to get himself sent off again. After sneaking into the Europa League qualifiers with their fair play record, they seem determined never to make that mistake again. Everton get it. They’re starting to flourish at a time they struggled last season under the European grind.

Wildcard’s Pick: Toffees 2-1

Leicester City vs Watford

Eleven weeks in and Odion Ighalo is already Watford’s all-time leading Premier League goal scorer. He has 7 Premier League goals.

Hey but that’s nothing to scoff at on his part. Maybe the coolest part of the season, even more so than whatever’s happening at Chelsea, is that at the start of November the three leading scorers of 2015-16 are:

• 11 – Jamie Vardy
• 7 – Odion Ighalo
• 7 – Riyad Mahrez

All three of those players are playing in this game so if you’re looking for star power in the bulk kickoff time slot, well here ya go. The three most dangerous marksmen in England, statistically proven.

I’ve explained my complicated feelings about Leicester City and Jamie Vardy in the past but I’ll add that there’s nothing complicated about Ighalo for me. He’s a great little player and a likeable dude. He and Troy Deeney make a strike partnership worthy of at least a middle-table side. Plus Watford have a well-organised defence that make them tough to break down, this team will be playing top flight footy next season don’t you worry about that.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Norwich City vs Swansea City

Here’s one of those games that could feasibly go any of three ways. I’d toss a coin but… y’know.

Wildcard’s Pick: I reckon both sides’d take a draw.

Sunderland vs Southampton

As long as Big Sam realises that it’s a marathon not a sprint. Sunderland may have beaten the Saints in this fixture last season but they also lost 8-0 to them in the other leg. There aren’t many legal highlights of that one, but there is this:

Wildcard’s Pick: Southampton 3-0

Manchester United vs West Bromwich Albion

What’s up with all these ex-Manchester United players laying into the team all the time? I guess when you played under Fergie you probably feel a bit special, maybe even a bit entitled. You probably think it’s your duty to throw your opinion into the echo chamber. Mostly, of course, it’s a matter of having microphones stuck in their face and being pressed to make comments which is happening more and more when guys like Paul Scholes are being paid as pundits. Man, he didn’t say a word for 20 years until he retired and now he doesn’t shut up!

The worst of them is Roy Keane though. He got stuck into a dive of Ashley Young’s (which it looked like he was clipped, even if he clearly left his leg in for the contact), saying:

"I think the guy's a disgrace and if he's a Manchester United player, I'm a Chinaman."

Well now I’ve read Keano’s book and there’s no mention of his parents taking a trip to China. Having said that, I wasn’t there so I can’t say. But I do know that Ashley Young has played for Manchester United for several years now.

Contrary to what most are saying, I thought the United Champions League game was really impressive. Not all that they need to be but the point is that they were looking to attack and make chances. Maybe one day they’ll be able to score those chances too. But you get the feeling that some fans won’t be happy ‘til they’re winning games 5-0 and booing the sub of an ineffectual Martial was disappointing (what’s he gonna play 90 minutes every game, twice a week? The kid’s 19 years old for God’s sake) as were the “attack, attack” calls at the end of every attack. They were impatient, I get it, but you can’t attack without the ball and the goal deservedly came in the end. That’s the pressure that comes from three consecutive 0-0 draws though. LVG can’t (and didn’t) complain.

At least the defence looks superb, that Mike Smalling’s a player, aye? Ooh and Rooney had his best game of the season in that one, maybe not a coincidence that both he and Martial seemed to be playing forward, rather than one in behind the other.

As to whether they’re willing to open up like that against West Brom in the League, I’m a little more sceptical. This is highly unlikely to be anything like the 5-5 draw they had in Fergie’s last game and West Brom have actually won their last couple trips to Old Trafford.

But most likely is a dull United win, which Lucky Louie will take without question.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 MUFC, one early and one late.

Stoke City vs Chelsea

Jose Mourinho’s Private Diary Don’t Touch:

Hello my only friend. I am always happy to write to you because you are the one that will stay by me. This week already I must face legal action and I must face media accusation. They are saying that my Cesc is starting a mutiny against me by refusing to play well but I know that it is only because he is feeling sad that he plays so bad. He is looking at the table and seeing Arsenal at the top where Chelsea should be.

But I know all about football. I know that we can still recover and it was very important to get a win in the Champions League. I must say thank you to Willian but I must do it secretly so that the other players do not think it is a sign of weakness. And I have to say to the fans that they are outstanding. They were chanting for “Mourinho” and they are clever fans for they know that I am still the Special One no matter what is happening on the pitch. Nobody can turn this around except for me. And already I am turning it around. John Terry says so himself.

But this week I must make other plans. The bastards of the FA have said that I must not enter the stadium. They are bastards. They want me to be depressed, this is why they always fine me and punish me. They are jealous. They do not wish to see me succeed. They will not get their wish because I will not go away. 

There is nothing I can do this week though. I am banned from the stadium for no reason. Pretty Boy Alan Pardew is the only manager to get a stadium ban before and he headbutted a player. All I did was say the truth that the referees hate Chelsea and refuse to give us obvious penalties because of this. They are weak. They are naïve. Mister Wenger would never have to face this criticism even though he is a specialist in failure, as I will always say. I hate him. He is a bastard.

On Saturday I will be at the movies. If I cannot be with my team and inspiring them by scowling and shouting at every little mistake from the sideline then I will watch The Martian instead. I can relate to that movie because I am always alone against the odds as well. If the FA have a spaceship then they will leave me behind on Mars because they are bastards. We will beat Stoke 5-0 and everybody will chant my name once more.

Anyway, now I must rest. I will write to you again tomorrow. You are my only friend, Jose. I write to you because you are me.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea will win this one, actually, call it 1-0

Aston Villa vs Manchester City

Welcome to England, Remi Garde! (Notice how I spelt his name right?)

Yeah. This is not gonna be easy for him, that’s for sure. In fact, it couldn’t possibly start much harder.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 3-1

Liverpool vs Crystal Palace

Ah yes, the Scourge of Stevie G. The team that ended Liverpool’s title chances the other year with that three goal comeback. The team that ruined his last game at Anfield with a 3-1 win. Palace also beat them at Selhurst last season too, doing the double on Pool. Of course, Liverpool did knock them out of the FA Cup in between that.

Both of these are curious teams that really on a hardworking and stacked midfield, but Liverpool prefer the ball at their feet, knocking it around quickly and flowing forwards with style, where Palace are much happier without it, much more conservative at the back and they get their goals largely by feeding their rapid wingers. With Jurgen Klopp encouraging his fullbacks to get forward (and with midfielders not always the best at tracking back – sans Milner that is), there’s a genuine battle gonna happen down the flanks. LFC are still learning how their new manager likes them to play and they turn the ball over a bit too often. That’s not how you wanna play against a counter attacking team. But then the Reds play high up the field and they could compress these guys. Moreno and Clyne are quick, too. Especially Moreno.

I feel a stalemate coming along.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Arsenal vs Tottenham Hotspur

First of all, how awful were Arsenal against Bayern!? Clearly they didn’t have much hope from the start but when you defend like that you’ve got none. Even Wenger ripped them (in his own inimitable way) when he called them “extremely poor defensively” and he’s not wrong. But it should be said that if they do tumble out, it’s not because of this result, it’s because of their first two. There’s a good chance they end up in the Europa League, which I’m pretty sure Wenger would tank as soon as he could. It’s not as dead as it seems though, Bayern play each of the other two teams and should win. Arsenal play each of the other two teams and should win. Those things happen and, depending on goal difference (which theirs just took a hit), the Gunners should squeeze on through.

Hector Bellerin is unlikely to play, which takes away one of their biggest attacking weapons. His runs from right back have been golden as right attacking mids like Aaron Ramsey (injured), Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (injured) and Joel Campbell (possibly psychologically injured) have sucked fullbacks inside and created space outside them. Looks like Koscielny will be there though. He’s huge, he’s the guy who ties the whole defence together like a well-placed rug.

Spurs are missing their share of attacking mids too but they’ve been boosted recently by the magnificent resurgence of Mousa Dembele and the return to form of Harry Kane. Kane’s late, first-time finish against Villa last week was superb. Those are the ones he was hesitating on earlier in the season and to see him bank that is as promising as anything Spurs could hope for. He’s back, while Arsenal’s best striker is not. Theo Walcott’s pace is an x-factor that the best organised defences have had big trouble with (read: Man Utd). Spurs have been impressively arranged at the back themselves (credit Toby Alderweireld) and they’ll back themselves to keep Giroud quiet.

It’s a shame that there are so many exciting players out for this one. It’s always one of the very best derbies, especially in recent years where the ability to defend has found itself marginalised by the occasion. Think that time Darren Bentley (boy did he blow a promising career) scored that goal in that 4-4 draw. It’s been a bit more boring the last two seasons but maybe that’s about to change.

Or maybe it’s not.

Wildcard’s Pick: A bitter, glory-less draw