Last Week: 2/10

Overall: 71/170

Stoke City vs Manchester United

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the anatomy of a modern managerial sacking rumour:

There were strong rumours the other day that Louis Van Gaal had been sacked but they turned out to be a mix of clickbait lies and, well, that. Journalists accidentally trolling the world with their phones left unattended on the table.

But the thing is, they might not be far wrong. Forget about rumours of board meetings at Man United, those probably happen several times a week anyway and apparently Ed Woodward speaks to the Glazers every single working day. The real seeds of discontent are in the stands. Van Gaal dug himself a large hole with his headstrong ‘philosophy’ that never really showed itself to be much worth chatting about. They defend well, miss all three of their chances across ninety minutes and LVG blames the finishing of their strikers. Only now they’ve finally been caught up by injuries and they can’t defend quite so well. Plus the doubts have become so ingrained that a first half 1-0 deficit against Norwich is one that they can’t seem to believe they can overcome. That is not Manchester United. That is not what this club was for so many years. Louis’ sacking now feels like an inevitability and after six games without a win, you only really wonder if it’s coming this week or the next.

The Candidates:

Louis Van Gaal – Hey, maybe he stays around for the season as they magically fix everything and go on a big run of wins. It’s possible.

Jose Mourinho – The Convenient One. The tabloids will be all for it and after the Chelsea ties were severed, he’s now a legit possibility at Old Trafford. Except that he’s not gonna be much more exciting than Van Gaal was in his football and he has a terrible record of promoting young players. He does get results, but 1/3 is no better than Van Gaal offers.

Pep Guardiola – Won’t be available ‘til the end of the season but you can guarantee that they’re interested. Any team with dreams of winning the Champions League within five seasons is looking at him, City are even prepared to sack a manager of the quality of Manny Pellegrini for him. So this probably depend on how much his heart was set on the sky blue side of town, or whether Man Utd is still an offer not to refuse (as his candidacy is for them). He helped make superstars of Barca youngsters like Xavi, Iniesta and Messi, has always been immensely successful (helps that he’s only managed two of the most dominant teams on the planet) and even though I was a very outspoken critic of tiki taka at Barca, he’s evolved in his style with Bayern and could do so with United too.

Ryan Giggs – The original plan was for Giggsy to take over after next season when LVG’s contract finished and he retired. Are they comfortable cutting that timeframe in half? Nobody’s ever really ready for any major milestone so they should be if that’s what they really want. Giggs lacks experience and a reputation as a manager. What he has in his advantage is the link to the good ol’ days. Perhaps, with Pep maybe available in six months, Giggs gets an extended audition for the remainder of 2015-16. It’d be a no-lose situation for him since any failures will be blamed on LVG’s first half.

Gary Neville – Busy for the next few months but if he does well then maybe next campaign. Although if you’re backing the Neviller, why aren’t you backing Giggsy?

Sir Alex Ferguson – Just for a quickie to steady the ship. It’d fit well in parallel United folklore, since Matt Busby briefly came out of retirement himself in similar circumstances.

Alex Neil – Coz he’s Scottish. Also he just beat Man United.

Mark Hughes – Former player, doing a good job with Stoke. Though he did manage City for a while there.

The Wildcard – Mate, I’d do it too if they asked me. Supposing that Football Manager CVs are acceptable.

Brendan Rodgers – Hehehehe.

The thing that people are missing with the BRAND NEW AND EXCITING STOKE FOOTBALL CLUB is that they don’t score very many goals. They try to, but they don’t quite yet. Not scoring many goals puts them in the same group as their opponents here. I wonder if a draw gets LVG sacked, I think it might ya know.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 to Man U all the same

Chelsea vs Watford

I wrote a big long thing about Watford earlier this week which covers most of my thoughts on Watford so click here for the tactical analysis. What I wanna talk about is the coolest and best named personal skill move in the world… the Iggy Chop:

Odion Ighalo’s specialty, he straightens up the defender and fakes to shoot or take it across him, then drags it demonstrably across him and takes it the other way. Mamadou Sakho was only the latest in a long line of guys completely embarrassed by the Iggy Chop. Great name, absolutely love it. Making stooges of defenders, it’s a turn of raw power, using his shake appeal to search and destroy his markers, creating passengers of them with a pure lust for life. No fun for oppositions indeed.

Because of the fact that they were only playing Sunderland, nobody really knows what to expect of the Jose-less Chelsea. But we know exactly what to expect from Watford and they’ll make it a tight contest.

Wildcard’s Pick: Draw

Manchester City vs Sunderland

As far as bounce back games go, this is as good as you can ask for. Sunderland are just loaded with deadwood and I get the strong feeling that not even Big Sam can save them from themselves. But stick with him through relegation and he’ll be able to clear the pantry and probably make a good fist of getting them right back up. No need to panic, the bottom three isn’t always the worst place to be. (Allardyce did the same thing with a terrible West Ham team a while back and now look where they are).

City have lost five games already and no team has won the title with five defeats before Christmas since Everton in 1986-87. And it’s not only that but two of those losses were 4-1 defeats (Spurs and Liverpool). Yet I’d still argue that they still have clearly the best squad of players available. This is a fascinating title race that we’re gearing up for.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 3-0

Bournemouth vs Crystal Palace

Welcome to Crystal Palace away days in 1920. I have no idea who these men (and they all seem to be men) are supporting, only that I’m fascinated by this image. It’s from a game against Brighton & Hove at the Goldstone Ground on Christmas Day. Look at all the hats. Look at the enthralling action. What an occasion, this is what football used to be like.

I’d bet Alan Pardew owns a hat like that.

Wildcard’s Pick: Palace with yet another away win.

Liverpool vs Leicester City

“Look, I am very confident because if Leicester last season saved themselves in the last two months that means the stamina is fantastic. Why can’t we continue to run, run, run? We are like Forrest Gump. Leicester is Forrest Gump. I give you the headline there.” – Claudio Ranieri

Wow, I’m not sure what to add to that lovely analogy. This should be a great game between two fast-paced teams with high energy and soft defences. If you’re a betting fellow then chuck a bill or two on the overs as far as total goals go. Martin Skrtel is out for six weeks and that’s about that for Liverpool, at least Simon Mignolet oughta be back (though let’s not completely write Adam Bogdan off on the basis of his funny name and his sloppy first touch in the top flight). The Foxes tend to thrive in high-scorers and yet nobody is ever going to take them seriously as title contenders, despite the stats and the history, until the trophy is actually being engraved. Which is perfect because it’d be easy for them to ease off now and that extra motivation of ‘NOBODY BELIEVES IN US!’ tends to do well for teams. Might be exactly what they need.

What Liverpool need is a win to get back on track but this game… honestly I can imagine it being a three-goal win either way or any result in between. And sitting on the fence has never helped me with Leicester City. The Foxes want a disjointed game with space and the Reds will give them an open one at pace.

Wildcard’s Pick: Liverpool 3-2

Aston Villa vs West Ham

You know in Italy they say a nil-all game is the perfect game of football because it means there were no mistakes. That makes West Ham the perfect football team by that measure:

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Swansea City vs West Bromwich Albion

Ooooh boy. Swansea, as it turns out, are most definitely in a relegation battle, while West Brom will probably finish 15th no matter what happens. They’re that kind of team.

Wildcard’s Pick: Also 0-0

Tottenham Hotspur vs Norwich City

There’s something special about the Boxing Day fixtures. This year more than ever before it sounds like there’s been a real vocal support for the continental European system of a winter break but it’s traditions like this that make English football all that it is. The freezing, icy ground sprinkled with snow, the players all armoured with gloves and long sleeves, breathing mist and looking tired from the start. It’s a beautiful struggle. It’s a magical burden and a spiritual pilgrimage for those of us that worship at the church of the little round ball. Even for those of us on the other side of the world who’ll be watching mid-summer in the middle of the night. Christmas time wouldn’t be the same without it.

I’m still not entirely sure how Norwich were able to beat Man United. That’s how bad United have been this month. But Spurs on the other hand are slowly rising. They’re always way better after a full week’s break too (which makes sense given how much they run).

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-1 Tottenham

Newcastle United vs Everton

Remember Jamie Vardy’s 11 game successive scoring streak? Well Romelu Lukaku is up to seven games in a row now (eight in all competitions). He’s never played better.

There’s a problem with Everton Football Club though. Without a win in four league games, they should be making a concerted run at the Champions League spots with the openness of this season. Yet they aren’t, really, they’re lingering on the back end of all that. Health at the back has been a problem and it still is with Phil Jagielka out but they have a strong midfield and neither Ross Barkley nor Lukaku has missed a PL game. This club is no worse than Watford of Leicester of Palace or maybe even Liverpool or Spurs (though those two kill ‘em for depth). There’s a bit of blame starting to go towards Roberto Martinez now and that’s a trend worth keeping an eye on. I thought they’d be able to take Leicester City at their own game last week and instead they got all leaky at the back.

Newcastle have finally gotten their season rolling and have thusly shot themselves a couple points clear of the relegation zone. They might rue not putting Aston Villa away last week but recent form has them playing much more like they ought to with some of the players they have in that team. Although for God’s sake, Schteve, will you pick Ayoze Perez to start already! What more does he have to do?

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Southampton vs Arsenal

You know what the perfect hobby is for a goalkeeper? Drumming.

It’s great. It’s all about rhythm and precision, supporting the band from the back by avoiding mistake. The drummer is the one that sets the tempo, the drummer is the one that performs the job that none of the others can do. Plus drummers, like goalkeepers, have reputations as being complete and utter madmen. No wonder Petr Cech is such a good goalie.

By the way, if he keeps a clean sheet here then he passes David James’ Premier League record of 169 of them and he’ll do so in considerably fewer games. James played 572 times. Cech will make his 351st start in this one (he also came off the bench one time last season for Chelsea, but that obviously can’t count towards clean sheets).

Things that happened last week:

• Arsenal beat a top team in a game where they avoided being the ones to make stupid mistakes.
• Southampton continued their terrible recent form with a home loss to Spurs.

It’ll get better eventually, Saints fans. But maybe not just yet.

Wildcard’s Pick: Arsenal 2-0