Last Week: 6/10

Overall: 13/30

Newcastle United vs Arsenal

Hey, six outta ten last week, not too shabby. Six is also the number of times, from 30 games, that the home team has won this season. Six times. Now, maybe that’s because City haven’t had enough home games yet, maybe it’s because it’s still a pretty tiny sample size. Maybe this league is just really, really unpredictable.

One of the greatest games of footy I’ve ever seen live (as in live on telly, not at the ground, obvs.) was the time Newcastle rallied from 4-0 down to draw with Arsenal.

This time around we’re far more likely to see a goalless draw. But I reckon Arsenal will sneak it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Gunners 1-0.

Manchester City vs Watford

Amazingly, City are playing for their tenth consecutive win in the Premier League. It’s already tied a club record and a win against Watford would have them trailing only the streaks of:

• Arsenal – 14 (2001/02)
• Man Utd – 12 (1999/00)
• Chelsea – 11 (2008/09-2009/10)
• Liverpool – 11 (2013/14)

Unsurprisingly the first three teams all won the title after those streaks (Chelsea’s crossed two seasons, they won in the second). Liverpool did not. Somehow they managed to lose their footing. Can’t remember why, it’s slipped my mind.

By the way, the streak that City just tied? The end of the 1911/12 season through the start of the 1912/13 campaign. That’s a very old record that’s about to be broken.

Wildcard’s Pick: City by a spare couple goals.

Bournemouth vs Leicester City

LCFC’s Riyad Mahrez and Bafetimbi Gomis (Swansea) are the only players to have scored in each of their team’s first three games this season. So there’s that.

Bourney look a fun side, as we figured they would, but Leicester are pretty fun themselves and in a way that nobody was expecting. This could end five-all. In fact I’d actually pick 4-3 to the Cherries had they not won by that score last game. In the history of English league football (all divisions), a 4-3 away win will occur once in every 3300 matches. 0-0 draws happen every 14 or so games. The most common score is 1-1, which statistically should happen once every week in the top flight. Not here though.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bournemouth. The home wins are starting to come hard and fast.

Stoke City vs West Bromwich Albion

Jack Butland: Heroic Gloveman

Say, friends and comrades, lend your ears to the tale of Lord Butland, a man among men. Never has an exhibition of valour been more graciously received. Her majesty herself must have sat up to take notice. For this young man from Stoke Football Club so embodies the spirit of the Union Jack, the spirit of Blighty, the spirit of Nelson and Churchill and Raleigh. While those among you may know a thing or two about suffering, few understand in the way that Butland does. He was prepared to serve his team despite grievous injury. A broken finger. Usually a devastating blow to the goalkeeper, by Jove, this man pulled through. Save after save after wonderful save. He held up his end despite the odds. Jack Butland, let England forever say he did his duty.

Wildcard’s Pick: A couple of teams without a win, Stoke to end their half of that.

Aston Villa vs Sunderland

This is the last set of games before the transfer window slams shut and that could mean some very drastic shifts by the next time some of these teams play. For example, that makes it now a year since Manchester United signed Angel Di Maria.

It’s doubtful Villa or Sunderland will be lining up any marquee names but they’ll each be busy. Villa are trying to overcome the loss of Christian Benteke, Fabian Delph, Ron Vlaar and Tom Cleverley all at once. They’ve made plenty of signings to replace them, sure, but let’s see how long it takes for them all to settle in. As for Sunderland, their abysmal start has Dick Advocaat saying each and every one of them is available to buy. Anyone want a Sunderland player? Anyone? Come on, they’re going cheap!

Wildcard’s Pick: Eh, here’s your 1-1 draw. Sure.

Chelsea vs Crystal Palace

Jose Mourinho: …

John Terry: …

JM: …

JT: …

JM: …

JT: …

JM: …

JT: …

JM: I’m gonna have another go at signing that Stones lad…

JT: …

JM: …

JT: Yeah, whatever…

JM: …

JT: …

JM: Cool.

JT: Sweet.

JM: …

JT: …

JM: Good talk.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea to nudge this one.

Liverpool vs West Ham United

How in the hell Liverpool failed to score against an Arsenal defence that played like Bambi on ice is still a mystery to me. But if they can learn those lessons then they ought to get plenty more practice against a West Ham team that was quite honestly shambolic against Bournemouth. They have a long way to go, that’s for sure. Don’t get caught up on the relegation hype, this Hammers team is too good for that. But they need to tighten the bolts. The good news is that there’s no way they can defend that bad again.

Nope, it’s the midfield and strikers that need padding out. Alex Song’s back in Barcelona after failing to finalise that move, looks like a deadline day situation, while Diafra Sahko’s been arrested and released on bail after allegedly threatening to kill an ex-girl and Enner Valencia’s pissed off at the club medical staff over his long term injury, slamming them on an Ecuadorian radio show before apologising. Bit of a shambles, you see?

But guess who’s back… no? No guesses? Well, it’s Andy Carroll, there ya go. And he should be pretty pumped too because the shackles have been released now that former club-enforced caregiver Kevin Nolan’s been released.

Presumably Firmino did enough against Arsenal to keep his spot (good little player he is). Presumable Benteke scores that chance against any keeper outside the top four. Presumably the Reds will get the win here.

Wildcard’s Pick: Liverpool to concede their first goal of the season in a 2-1 win.

Tottenham Hotspur vs Everton

“Sometimes money can’t buy everything” – Roberto Martinez, 2015

For everything else, there’s mastercard.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s a well-known fact that money can buy everything (including footballers) except for love and happiness. And Al Green deals those for free.

With two points through three games, Spurs need this one more. It’s hard not to feel that the John Stones thing is a distraction, not so much for him but for everyone else. Either way, Harry Kane will enjoy not being the most talked about player on the park this weekend.

Wildcard’s Pick: I’m picking way too many wins here. Bound to get a few of them wrong. But Spurs to win, finally.

Southampton vs Norwich City

You know, there are only so many times you can keep on hauling yourself off the canvas. Southampton have sold so many players and they’ve transitioned through that so smoothly ‘til now but eventually there’ll be one sale too many. Morgan Schneiderlin might be that guy. Maybe. Things just don’t look quite right and injuries are a part of that too. And when you build yourself up as this stepping stone club, the fellas that get left behind begin to wonder why they’ve been ignored. Victor Wanyama’s keen to leave, so they say. Right now, Southampton really cannot afford to lose any more midfielders but there’s Wanyama feeling like the awkward kid at school lunchtime as the captains go one by one selecting all the other kids ahead of him.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints break the duck with a win.

Swansea City vs Manchester United

Man, I TOLD you Rooney would start scoring. Didn’t I? Well if I didn’t then I would’ve if you’d asked. Be polite of him and Memphis now to start doing so in the league where it counts towards my fantasy team though.  

Wildcard’s Pick: United 2-0.