Manchester United vs Tottenham Hotspur

On the first six days came creation and on the seventh day He rested. Then, somewhere between 4000 and 14 billion years later, He got bored and created the English Premier League, now here we are.

The agonising wait between the final whistle of one season and the opening whistle of the next is nearly over. It was a wait made even more torturous by the fact that it was one of those odd years where there wasn’t any major international tournament in between the seasons (except for the Copa America, the Women’s World Cup, the Under 20 World Cup, the Under 21 European Champs and the Concacaf Gold Cup, that is), but now it’s finally over. The Premier League has returned unspoiled from across the vast seas of the Northern summer. Come to us, oh Premier League. Rest your weary head on our shoulders, we will keep you warm.

Bloody Tottenham. (“My old man, said be a Tottenham fan…”). They had all that Gareth Bale money and it lasted about as long as a tenner at the TAB. Yet their best player waltzed out of their own academy while nobody was looking. Harry Kane’s form will decide everything for Spurs. Love me some Christian Eriksen but it’s all about Harry Hotspur down at the Lane.

Meanwhile Man United don’t need to sell to spend. And spend they certainly have done. (They’ve sold too, to be fair). Is it enough to launch that title challenge this season? Maybe. It should be enough to see off Tottenham at least. Predicting big games for Luke Shaw and Morgan Schneiderlin (up against their old manager).

Wildcard’s Pick: Man Utd 3-1 Spurs

Everton vs Watford

Hey, sign up for our Fantasy Premier League competition, by the way. The league code is 833985-204583. Good banter. Clever team names. On ya.

I always seem to rely on Everton players in my fantasy teams, dunno why. I guess because they’re a decent but non-threatening option outside the top four. So no surprise that my fantasy team was a disaster last campaign as Everton (and Man Utd) did less than expected.

This is a watermark year for Roberto Martinez, he’s a dude who’s made many friends through being a nice guy who inspires pleasant football but even winning an F.A. Cup with Wigan falls under the ‘Relative’ category of success. He never finished higher than 15th with Wigan (Steve Bruce got them to 11th the year before he took over) and though he got Everton to fifth in his first season with them, as he moulded this team more into his own shape from what Moyes left him with, they slumped to 11th in 2014-15. Europa League footy obviously hindered them, as did Ross Barkley’s injury, but they finished strong and should carry some of that momentum into this game. Everton still rely enormously on Romelu Lukaku’s exploits up front and there isn’t too much defensive depth (especially if they lose Stones) however that midfield is stacked. Plus you can expect to see a couple more names from the academy getting the odd chance this season. Ty Browning is one to keep an eye on.

As for Watford, there’s no benefit of the doubt. I need pure evidence that they can avoid relegation before making any such claims. As of now I’ve got them dead last.

Wildcard’s Pick: Everton with a comfortable but low-scoring victory.

Bournemouth vs Aston Villa

I’m so proud of Lee Tomlin. The lad’s just been transferred from Middlesbrough to Bournemouth, finally cracking the Premier League after toiling in the lower divisions ‘til now. I used to manage him, you know? Yep, back in my days as the first team boss at League One Peterborough. I liked young Lee as an attacking midfielder, in behind the striker, where he proved himself a great talent with a superb eye for an assist. Now here he is at a Premier League club, it almost brings a tear to the eye.

It’s funny how attached people can get to their Football Manager games.

Anyway, the Fairytale of Bournemouth (“It was Christmas eve, babe/Drunk at Dean Court/An old man said to me/We’re off to the Premier League…”) is a real thing, but let’s talk this week about Aston Villa: What are you doing, Aston Villa? It’s easy to point at their transfer failings (their incomers will be boom or bust) but this is a team that’s been courting relegation for a long time, even with Benteke. They haven’t finished higher than fifteenth for five years. Of course, Tim Sherwood has never had a preseason to work with before either. Your move, Tactics Tim.

Wildcard’s Pick: First day in the Premier League, give Bournemouth a 2-1 win and let the rest of us believe in miracles for a little while.

Leicester City vs Sunderland

Is it too soon to call this a relegation six-pointer? Poor Leicester City, left leaderless without Esteban Cambiasso. You can say what you will about Big Bully Nige’s sacking but it’s the hole in their midfield shaped like a small, bald man that’s really gonna ruin them.

Yeah, that’s about right.

Although let it not go unsaid that Claudio Ranieri’s appointment was utter madness. Do you know what Ranieri last did? He got sacked by Greece for losing 2-0, at home, to the Faroe Islands. He managed their football team worse than their banks managed their economy.

Between Ranieri and Pellegrini, it’s hard to say who’s the saddest looking manager in the Premier League.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-2, if LCFC have one strength it’ll be their strikers.

Norwich City vs Crystal Palace

The Canaries against the Eagles.

Norwich have gone with the rarely possible strategy of getting promoted with more or less the same squad that got them relegated the year before. There must be some lessons learnt from all that, though it’s doubtful that Dick Van Dogs-Bollocks has learned to score goals since then.

The difference is that now they have Alex ‘The Prodigy’ Neil, a 34 year old Scotsman in his first English managerial job (he was player/manager for Hamilton Academic on the other side of Hadrian’s Wall before this). Och, aye, laddie. Give the wee man a chance.

Buuuut there’s a very real possibility that Crystal Palace (brace yourselves…) might be good this season. Proper good. Which flies in the face of the Pardew haters out there, of which I have been known to grace the parties of, but how can you deny a man that somehow managed to sign Yohan Cabaye from PSG? Pards is just insatiable.

Wildcard’s Pick: Gotta go with the birds of prey for this one.

Chelsea vs Swansea City

Things that you can always rely on:

• Swiss watches
• An old raincoat
• The family dog
• Nokia phones
• People getting the offside rule wrong
• Mario Balotelli’s unreliability
• Brendan Rodgers using the word ‘character’
• Bruce Springsteen
• Mourinho and Wenger’s beef
• Diego Costa in and around the six yard box
• Any movie with Harry Dean Stanton or Philip Seymour Hoffman in it
• Alan Pardew’s ego
• Racist politicians
• Injuries to key players at Arsenal
• Liverpool fans talking about the past
• Chelsea winning on opening weekend

Seriously, they have the best record of any team in their first game of the season. 15 wins from 23 matches, 5 draws and just 3 losses. Their last opening loss came to Coventry in 1998 (the fact it was against Coventry already tells you it was ages ago) and they’ve won 12 of their last 13. In the first act of the 2010-11 season they broke the record for a first game win with a 6-0 demolition of West Brom, Didier Drogba scored a hatty. Defending champions have also won 20 of 23 opening day fixtures. The other three were draws.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea to win, you can take it to the bank.

Arsenal vs West Ham United

Well, I dear say old chaps, it appears that the Hammers may have a spot of bother on the old financial front. Why, just this morning my butler was explaining to me over tea and biscuits how they felt the need to discard that boorish Sam Allardyce as it became imperative that they ought to play a more dashing style of football to attract those plebeian masses to their matches in more regular numbers. Must have the money to pay back those dastardly investors, you see? So in the effort of becoming more cultured in their football, they’ve made several continental signings and hired a manager from Croatia. Slaven Bilic his name is, awfully interesting chap. Seems he doesn’t mind a little bit of gentlemanly banter amongst his fellow managerial professionals. Even had the gall to start sledging some Europa League minnows, haw-haw! I do say, though, I’m not entirely convinced that I’d sponsor him for membership at my local country club. A little too belligerent for me. Not sure quite how prominent this new West Ham approach will be either, but if they need some inspiration in how to play football with guile and creativity, well then Jeeves, they could do a lot worse than following the model of Arsenal and that lovely Frenchman Wenger. Delightful man he is. Ever so delightful, indeed. Now fetch me the business papers and refill my brandy glass. Tally ho.

Wildcard’s Pick: Arsenal by a Frenchman’s whiskers.

Newcastle United vs Southampton

I feel dirty just for saying this but I reckon Newcastle are in for a superb season ahead. Dunno what Steve McLaren’s secret weapon is but he’s actually managed to get Mike Ashley to spend some money without first selling half his first team to fund his spree. Must have slipped the fella some of that Spanish Fly or something. Ooh, you rascal, Steve. Behind that clownish visage lies a devilish mind. Hence why they could go good. That and the transfers they’ve made actually look really fine.

This game should be fun as we get to see a pair of great young Dutch midfielders make their Premier League debuts, Georginio Wijnaldum of Newcastle vs Jordy Clasie (if fit) of Southampton. Both have the potential to be breakout players this season.

Plus both of these teams are looking to bounce back in their own ways. Southampton from another season of playing the sellers game at the markets and Newcastle from… whatever last season was. It’s easy to forget that the Toon still have a damn fine side in there, albeit one with a languid defence, while So’ton may have lost Schneiderlin, Clyne, Shaw, Lambert, Lallana, Alderweireld (sort of), Lovren, Chambers and Cork all in the space of two seasons, but there’s a damn fine side left behind them too. Both teams oughta be targeting a top eight finish.

Wildcard’s Pick: Newcastle to squeak it by a goal.

Stoke City vs Liverpool

Britannia Stadium. Cold and dark. The lights are off, the ground now deserted. The police tape is still stretched around the field. No intruders. No contamination. You can feel the tingle in your bones as you look around, shivering in your coat, desperate to leave and never return to this Godless place.

There is a certain heaviness here that cannot be ignored. In the damp night you can almost hear the echo of the crowd that bayed them on, their cries lingering on the breeze, the cries that allowed for this heinous crime. This catastrophe of flesh and faith. They were complicit, each and every one of them. As they sit at home now, watching television with their wives, their husbands, their children and their parents. They were complicit.

You lift the tape and duck under it, walking out across the grass. Your torchlight settles upon a divot in the turf. What horrible act of violence could have caused that blemish? What shocking foul might it represent? Might those be the traces of a Charlie Adam slide tackle? Blasphemy on this forsaken turf. Six-One.

These many months later and the horrors of that day yet remain, arresting you with terror at the slightest recollection. You fear to sleep for the nightmares that have followed you every night since, bringing back those monstrosities in their immediacy, awaking every morning with a stifled gasp, dripping in icy sweat. The perversions that you witnessed, the blood-curdling primal screams that you heard. But despite it all, you know you must return. You know you must return. You know you must return…

Wildcard’s Pick: All those signings and no new centre backs for the Reds? Gimme a 1-1 draw in this one.

West Bromwich Albion vs Manchester City

A Tuesday morning game to polish off the first gameweek of the season. There’s lots to like about what West Brom are doing under Tony Pulis, he’s a man who’ll get the best out of any group of muppets and here they are with Joleon Lescott, Darren Fletcher and their many Premier League winners’ medals. James Chester may have cost twice what you’d have expected but he’s a very good defender and you’d rather overpay and get the bloke than play it tight and leave your defence exposed. And the £3m they spent on Rickie Lambert (look away now Liverpool fans) exactly matches the £3m they got for Graham Dorrans. James McClean is a decent pickup too, but they haven’t done anything else (though keeping Berahino ‘til now counts for lots). They’ll do fine this season.

But not this week. Nope, expect a pantsing to start, so long as City name something close to a full strength team (there are rumours of a flu virus epidemic within the MCFC ranks). City are another team you can bank on to start strong. This will be a tough test but they’ll be up for it. Raheem Sterling is the early favourite for Young Player of the Year, followed by Luke Shaw and John Stones. All Englishmen, you’ll notice.

Wildcard’s Pick: City by a couple goals.