Last Week: 6/10

Overall: 23/50

Chelsea vs Arsenal

Well now, ain’t this just a perfect way to start a gameweek! Mourinho and Wenger, squaring off once more. They really are the Norman Mailer vs Gore Vidal of our times (Mailer = Mourinho, Vidal = Wenger… sorry for the pretentious reference).

Like, these two sincerely hate each other. Proper genuine dislike. Jose’s comments through the years, the “voyeur” thing, the “specialist in failure” jab… and Wenger’s snooty responses and his touchline tantrums. It’s as much fun as you could possibly imagine in a fixture that usually ends with Mourinho’s team winning by a goal. Handshakes anyone?

Ah, but the timing of this particular clash is mouth-watering. Remember, Arsenal beat Chelsea in the Community Shield before the season (the scene of the infamous No Handshake – which was Wenger’s fault, btw). In doing so they broke a long winless streak for Arsene vs Jose stretching back 13 games. Yep, 14th time lucky. But also in doing so they went away from the usual Wenger style of play. They sat back and frustrated, they had structure, they had solidity… they out-Chelsea’d Chelsea! Which is the most incredible thing when you consider that Wenger’s philosophy may as well be written in stone. He never budges. His whole thing is that results can deceive but beautiful football never will. His team has always been committed to the aesthetic in the belief that the wins will usually follow. And usually they do, just not against Chelsea. So for Wenger to abandon his entire doctrine to get one over Mourinho, well, that shows you how much this rivalry means to him. Consider the pious man, driven to heresy.

Chelsea seem primed for the taking too. Sitting one place out of the relegation zone, they’ve already lost as many games as they did all last season and it’s their worst start since 1986. Literally nobody picked that before the season. However this is Arsenal we’re talking about. Not only have they not beaten Chelsea in 7 league games, but they haven’t even scored in the last 4. Arsenal need this win to boost themselves towards a title run. Chelsea need it to avoid sinking ever further into the mire of mediocrity.

It’s Petr Cech’s first game back at Stamford Bridge, yet the focus will always be on Cesc Fabregas in this fixture. He’s been pants so far too, so the away fans are bound to cross a few moral boundaries in their chanting.

What it may all come down to is Arsenal’s finishing. It’s been nothing short of terrible this season as Olly Giroud and Theo Walcott trade fluffed sitters, yet Chelsea’s defence hasn’t exactly been a fortress. It’s been wing play that’s mostly caught them out though, and Arsenal won’t offer too much of that. Alexis Sanchez will need to be on his game (which he always is anyway, to be fair). This might be a good one for Theo if Chelsea take the initiative. Playing on the break suits him better as it allows him pace and space.

I have a funny feeling we’re gonna see a few cards in this game.  

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-1, whaddaya know?

Swansea City vs Everton

Hey, two entertaining teams vying for European qualification. This is bound to be fun.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-2

Aston Villa vs West Bromwich Albion

I’m a little bit embarrassed to say that I got out-picked by Harry Redknapp last week. He got 8 games right, the codger. Pretty sure I’m better at buying and selling footballers though. And if Football Manager is anything to go by, then I’m better at football management too. And it must be something to go by, coz they teach it in coaching classes. I’m dead serious, they do. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s playing it as we speak. Plus Sky Sports UK started using FM stats for their transfer analysis the other month and it’s a not-so-secret fact that professional clubs and scouts have been known to use the FM database to find new players. I’m not making this up.

Umm… Villa vs West Brom… not sure either of these teams are much for winning these days. I cannot believe the Villans threw that one away last week, 2-0 up against Leicester with 20 to play, they win that and I tie ‘Arry at 7-apiece for the week! Bloody muppets. But these are both talented sides with long runs of form in them. It could go either way but I’m thinking they cancel each other out.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Newcastle United vs Watford

By the right boot of Alan Shearer, by the long locks of Fabricio Coloccini, by the wisdom of Bobby Robson, by the umbrella of Steve McLaren and by the bank balance of Mike Ashley… it’s about time that Newcastle won a game, right?

Wildcard’s Pick: Newcastle need this badly, they should just get it.

Stoke City vs Leicester City

Now this is just getting ridiculous.

It’s pretty hard not to love what Leicester are doing but it’s just as hard to see why it works. I guess the main factor is that they have goals in them. Riyad Mahrez is the culprit there for the most part, 4 netters and 2 assists so far, out of 11 total for LCFC. Mahrez’s 6 goals that he’s been involved in are more than 8 full teams have managed all season. Two of those teams are Liverpool and Spurs. But they’ve also conceded 7, which only Norwich, Chelsea, Sunderland, Aston Villa and Bournemouth can top. Not coincidentally, the Foxes have already played three of those teams. They’ve also played Spurs and West Ham, both with mixed starts.

Stoke may be sitting in relegation right now but you can make an honest case that this will be the toughest defence that Leicester has seen yet. Stoke have not clicked at all on attack, fair enough with a few new faces there, and this could be the game they sort it out. Xerdan Shaqiri has shown some flashes already.  

Leicester is gaining a reputation as the fastest team in the league. Stoke has a long held reputation as the tallest team in the league (which they’re doing their best to break with Shaqiri, Bojan, etc.). Claudio Ranieri has promised pizza to his team if they win. I don’t think they will.

Wildcard’s Pick: I kinda think Stoke might win.

Bournemouth vs Sunderland

Tough to pick this week. Lots of pretty even games and this is one of the most. Nothing yet from either team aside from their strikers (Callum Wilson and Jermain Defoe) suggests that they can stay in the division but then there’s always hope.

Wildcard’s Pick: Draw.

Manchester City vs West Ham United

It’s been 9 hours and 26 minutes since City last conceded in the Premier League. I sincerely believe that they’ll crack the 10 hour mark against West Ham. The Hammers are great away from home when they can soak up pressure and capitalise on errors. That’s what they did against Arsenal and Liverpool but here’s the thing: City are gonna offer HEAPS of pressure and they don’t make many mistakes.

I’d make the argument that these two teams had the best transfer windows of the Premier League. Which is a proportionate statement, and there’s no way that West Ham can cover the midfield threat of those City boys flowing forward. Not until Alex Song is back fit, anyway (and even then, he’s usually good for a mind-blank or 3 per 90 mins). Mark Noble vs Yaya Toure, you know what I mean? A Vincent Kompany injury last year would have been brutal. This year they have a much improved Eli Mangala and Nicolas Otamendi to play instead. Kompany’s leadership is still a loss but this is West Ham they’re playing, not Juventus.

Let’s see who has the bigger impact head to head as well: Dimitri Payet or Kevin De Bruyne.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 2-0

Tottenham Hotspur vs Crystal Palace

And so we come to that watermark moment in any Spurs season: The first game backing up from Europa League footy.

Wildcard’s Pick: Draw seems like a safe bet.

Liverpool vs Norwich City

If only Luis Suarez were still there, those dirty chompers must still give Canaries fans nightmares. Even without him there are always goals in this game.

There had better be, anyway, otherwise Brendan Rodgers might be in a bit of strife. I see that Klopp lad’s still without work. Hmm…

Wildcard’s Pick: Liverpool reverse last week with a 3-1 win.

Southampton vs Manchester United

Oh, the Luke Shaw Memorial Derby. What a tragic bit of timing. I’m still heartbroken about it and it really isn’t fair, such is life. Shaw has been Manchester United’s best player this season, edging out Chris Smalling and Daley Blind, and now one of the most consistent back fours in England so far is gonna be broken up. There’s not really a replacement for Shaw either, which is leaves this unit in a fair bit of confusion. Marcos Rojo can play there, maybe. Though against PSV he came on in the middle and Blind pushed wide. Blind’s an intelligent player who can play in a number of places but taking him out of the middle may leave a hole.

Of course, there is one other man who could fill in. One man who has so far lain formant. A man with the steel and determination to make any forward shiver, such is the ferocity of his game. A man who scriptures tell can never be beaten one on one. He is a defender of mythical proportions whose thrombosis has kept him out for the season so far but the sparrows tell that he is now back in training. In times of crisis, it is imperative that new heroes rise forth to claim their place and this man may well be one for the occasion. In the same way that Blind, Smalling and Shaw have all established themselves this season, resurrecting their reputations, so too could this man. His name… is Phil Jones.

Having said that , he probably won’t be ready for this game. Tell ya who will be, that’s Morgan Schneiderlin. Both he and Carrick sat out the UCL game so that suggest they each start, which is as good of a defensive shield as it gets. Schneiders knows this park well, too. He tends not to lose there. Rooney should also be good to go and that means heaps to United.

Wildcard’s Pick: Man Utd 2-0