Last Week: 6/11

Overall: 178/343

West Ham United vs Tottenham Hotspur

Saturday 7.00am (NZT)

There’s a rumour that Slaven Bilic needs to get a result in WHU’s last two home games in order to save his job for next season. A little mad, that. They’re playing Spurs and Liverpool so good luck Slaven, you’ll definitely need it. Honestly, if they didn’t sack him a couple months ago then there’s no reason to do so now, not when the stakes are so low with survival a couple points away.

West Ham have steadied with that back three. Winston Reid has returned in great form and flanked by Jose Fonte and James Collins they have three really experienced fellas that won’t screw up positionally. There’s a horrendous lack of pace between the trio but in a three-man defence there’s less room to cover and it also frees their fullbacks to play further forward – right back has been a huge problem for them while left back has suffered with Aaron Cresswell’s fitness. It’s done well, two clean sheets in a row and Cheikh Kouyate is playing well in midfield again, finally.

Problem is they have absolutely nothing going forward without Andy Carroll and Michail Antonio (the latter who won’t be back this season). They sold Dimitri Payet, thinking all was good when they won a couple without him. Now they’re realising just how single-handedly he kept them ticking. Robert Snodgrass will be fine with a pre-season but not all January signings settle in immediately. As for Jonny Calleri… never again, please. Just lucky for Manny Lanzini.

Spurs are brilliant with their passing and movement in the final third so they’ll probably tear West Ham’s slow buggers to shreds like Everton and Stoke couldn’t. Harry Hotspur always scores against London teams too. Playing on a Friday night will be weirder for the Hammers than it will for the team still focussed on catching Chelsea, buzzing from murdering the hypothetical effigy of St Totteringham last week. All seems rather simple here.

That title race will survive into next week even if Spurs lose and Chelsea win. Chelsea are playing a desperate, last-chance Boro team who could cause a problem or two and even if they don’t, at least Spurs get to play before them and have the mental victory of closing the gap to one point, rather than reeling it back in from seven. Makes it feel closer, you know.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 Spurs

Manchester City vs Crystal Palace

Saturday 11.30pm (NZT)

Shout out to me, 178 correct results picked this season with 37 games still to go after I only got 164 in all of last season. Leicester City really killed me, like they did many others. All hail King Richard.

Meant Richard III but… eh, close enough.

Weird thing about Palace is that only Sunderland have a worse home record. Sam Allardyce brought a slight reprieve, most famously with that 3-0 win over Arsenal, but other than that and a couple 1-0s it’s mostly been away from home that they’ve gotten their points. 17 at home and 21 away – they’re the seventh best away team. More points away from home than everyone outside the top six. No coincidence that the top six have the six best away records, that’s why they’re the top six because they can handle the travel and adversity.

Man United are the team that’s draws ten of their 18 home games but Man City haven’t been averse to a one-pointer in Manchester either. Four of them in their last six home games – with the two wins coming against Swansea and Hull. Shouldn’t be a damn thing to worry about here, they always smash Palace. Big Sam’s lads should probably be safe already with 38 points but one more win guarantees it. You’d imagine they target Hull next week, rather than away trips to the two Manchester teams. Although… Jose Mourinho has joked about playing the U23s in that final match so that could do it too.

Gabriel Jesus, welcome back champion. That’s four goals and an assist in four PL starts.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 2-1

Bournemouth vs Stoke City

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Quick pat on the back for Josh King, who simply keeps on scoring. His latest trick? Relegating Sunderland. Oh well, good riddance. Another note to be made, while Eddie Howe’s transfer business was notoriously ineffective last summer, the plan was obviously to buy young dudes with potential that could be developed within his system into more effective (and valuable) assets. Clearly they needed a few more veteran hands to steady the team in their second season at the top but don’t write off a few of those chaps coming good in the future. Lys Mousset has started making a few appearances off the bench. Jordan Ibe is way better than what he’s shown so far. Lewis Cook is a gun in midfield and learning off the likes of Harry Arter and Jack Wilshere will be great for him. Lots to like there still.

If I’m shouting out Josh King then I’ve gotta do the same for Jack Butland, aka my favourite goalkeeper in the division. In his first home game for Stoke in 431 days he was brilliant against West Ham. Not the most threatening attack and all his saves were ones he’d expect to make, but to be able to go through those motions is a huge step in the comeback trail that should end with him as England’s number one. I’d have taken him over Joe Hart at the Euros if he’d only been fit.

Off topic, but agreed, Jack. Meanwhile Stoke haven’t scored an away goal in six games. They are not a good team right now.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Bourney

Hull City vs Sunderland

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Right. Hull City have a two point advantage over Swansea but are two goal difference points worse off. They have games remaining here at home to relegated Sunderland, away to Crystal Palace and home to Tottenham. Meanwhile Swansea host Everton, travel to Sunderland and then host West Brom on the final day. Hull cannot afford to draw while Swansea win but they still hold all the biscuits as things stand. Points on the board are golden.

Remember where Hull were at the start of the season? Mike Phelan was in charge of a team that could barely field a starting XI with all the injuries. The board wasn’t spending any money and apart from a couple good players they looked like they could end up threatening record low points totals. They broke the bank for Ryan Mason and his season ended in scary circumstances with that skull fracture. Mo Diame left for Newcastle in the Championship. It was an absolute dearth of ability and depth.

And now here they are, Phelan rather unfairly sacked yet Marco Silva has been superb. Through the sales of Jake Livermore and Robert Snodgrass, their two best players, they were able to find the funds for a few January additions and in Kamil Grosicki and Andrea Ranocchia especially they’ve gotten great returns. Not to mention Oumar Niasse on loan from Everton with a career to save.

Now… compare that to the eternal dark cloud that hangs over Sunderland while David Moyes is there, doing nothing but making excuses for the failures to come. Nothing interesting in the transfers despite Moyes having once been one of the best managers in the league for discovering new talent. Nah, no shakes on a new Phil Jagielka or Leighton Baines this time, just a few loans and frees of old Everton and Man United players. It’s a shambles.

Sunderland Players Worth Buying Now That They’re Relegated:

• Jordan Pickford – plenty of teams need a GK and he’s a young Englishman with huge ability
• Lamine Kone – if you can get him motivated he’s a skilful and immensely powerful central defender
• Jermain Defoe - still scores goals

And… that might be it. Far cry from Newcastle being able to pay for their relegation and then immediate promotion with Gigi Wijnaldum, Moussa Sissoko and the rest.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 to Hull

Burnley vs West Bromwich Albion

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Imagine going five games in a row without even scoring a goal. Actually, no. Don’t do that. Just watch West Brom instead, who have done exactly that. Four losses in a row now and the last three all by 1-0 scores. They got safe, they even got comfortable in the top ten… and then they stopped trying. Still sitting eighth though, it’s not too late to win a couple more, get to 50 points, and then really relax with a record haul. 49 points is their best, which got them eighth in 2012-13. That was the Steve Clarke year when the Scotsman took over for Roy Hodgson, who had taken the England job. Also they had Romelu Lukaku on loan. What a time to be alive that was - their 49th and final point was that 5-5 draw in Sir Alex Ferguson's last game as a manager.

Umm, Burnley are a win away from safety, like a lot of teams. One point ought to do it though. We don’t need to dwell on this match.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Leicester City vs Watford

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Don’t really need to dwell on this one either. Time for my weekly dismissive feelings towards Watford (I don’t know what it is either, they’re just not that interesting) to shine through at the King Power where Leicester remain a very strong team. 10 goals and four wins from their last four games there. Coming off a rare away win too, beating West Brom last week. Book them in for another one, amigo.

These lucky buggers…

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 to Leicester

Swansea City vs Everton

Sunday 4.30am (NZT)

It could happen. Everton are two games without scoring after being held 0-0 by West Ham and then dismantled by Chelsea for a 3-0 defeat. If it’s a close game then, as he showed last week at Old Trafford, then any team with Gylfi Sigurdsson has a chance. Win a soft free kick and BOOM.

Realistically though, Swansea look very likely to be relegated and I dunno that they’ve got the inherent quality to bounce back up like, say, Newcastle did. Paul Clement didn’t find it too easy last time he was in the Championship, although at least he has that experience. Assume they lose Sigurdsson and Llorente as well as one or two others and they ain’t that much better than anyone else in the top half of that division.

Romelu Lukaku has 24 goals, Harry Kane has 21. Spurs have one extra game still to play and are in hot form while Lukaku has looked tired in both of his last two. That’s a heavy workload on the Belgian whereas Kane has had a couple spells out injured to recharge. Not sure that the golden boot is as sealed as it once looked for Rommy. Swansea tend to leak a few though.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Liverpool vs Southampton

Monday 12.30am (NZT)

This seems fair:

Time for the annual joke about Liverpool playing against their own reserve team and all that… except you wonder where Liverpool might be if instead of Rickie Lambert and Dejan Lovren they’d instead poached Victor Wanyama, Toby Alderweireld and Virgil van Dijk. Yeah, Adam Lallana is a great player but that Southampton haul could have been so much better.

Thanks to what Jose Mourinho called an unfair fight, Liverpool only have three more games including this one and if they win them all then Champions League football is theirs. Man United’s draw with Swansea gave them the advantage back and it’s up to the Reds to hold serve at home to Southampton, away to West Ham and at home to Middlesbrough. There’s nothing in there to fear at all, especially when ManYoo still gotta play Arsenal and Spurs. There will probably be dropped points in there. Good for Jurgen because if he dropped back into the Europas after the early promise of this season then questions will have been asked.

But as it is, he’ll be able to strengthen this squad in the areas that are needed (central midfield, central defence, left back, goalkeeper, striker). Lots to do there and UCL footy tends to be a big help in transfer negotiations. Ooh and you know whose name I saw the other day who I’d completely forgotten about? Danny Ings.

Contemplations are afoot as to whether James Milner makes one of my teams of the season at left back. It’s one worth pondering, there haven’t been too many standouts there other than Danny Rose. I’m also gonna do an Emerging XI team to cover the dudes that broke through this season, but most of them play for Everton so this isn’t the best place to discuss. Jack Stephens of Southampton is in the reckoning though.

But enough burying the lede… I know this is what you all came for:

YES. HE. CAN!

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Liverpool

Arsenal vs Manchester United

Monday 3.00am (NZT)

It’s not that much fun ragging on Jose Mourinho every week but I’ll do it as long as I keep seeing this disparity between his reputation and his results. Against Swansea, United had some kid called McTominay who I’d never even heard of before on the bench. Highly rated English/Congolese defender Axel Tuanzebe was there as well, not to mention the returning Juan Mata. But looking at the bench before the game I joked that I bet he subs on Darmian, Valencia and Mkhitaryan instead. And you know what the grumpy one went and did? He subbed on Darmian, Valencia and Mkhitaryan. Dammit, what’ll it take for him to play a young player? He had that big prepared speech before the season about his magnificent record of promotion youth teamers and here he has a great CB on the bench and instead he plays Matteo Darmian through the middle. Against Swansea. Come on, bro.

Apparently this is the chance though. The best rivalry of the Premier League era and this is when Jose says he’s gonna start rotating his squad. Maybe if he rotated a couple times earlier in the season then his attackers wouldn’t be so complacent in all those home draws, his young defenders would have the experience to fill in during a spell like this. The guy plays Paul Pogba three times a week for six months and then blames the fixture list for his exhaustion. Give him a rest, mate, you had Bastian Schweinsteiger on gardening leave for half the season!

Then there’s still that ridiculous thing about Jose being ‘A Winner’. He’s just a winner, it’s what he does, he wins. Look at their home record and there are more draws than wins. Look at the Premier League’s most underwhelming unbeaten streak ever and there are more draws than wins. To top it all off, pundits continue to make apologies for him by talking up how he’ll buy a few players in the summer and all will be good. He has a strong squad already and isn’t doing enough with them. Why spend a hundy million on Kylian Mbappé so he can applaud fans after 0-0 draws at home against Burnley?

So, to summarise: Jose Mourinho keeps drawing but everyone still thinks he’s a winner and it’s all the players’ fault for the results. D’oh.

Only one possible result here, isn't there? Arsenal are awful, a couple wins against crap teams with a new formation was only a blip. The issues run deeper and they’re not gonna be playing Champions League footy next season. At least United can still get there through the Europa League.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Chelsea vs Middlesbrough

Tuesday 7.00am (NZT)

It won’t win them the league this week… but it’ll get them ever closer. Seeing Hazard and company tear up Everton last week, that was the last major hurdle. The last team that could beat them on their own terms. It’s all up to Chelsea not to choke now and the thing about the Premier League is that teams who find themselves in this position, this late in the season, tend not to have those fatal flaws in their DNA.

Which sucks for Boro, who will probably confirm their relegation with this result. They had the squad to do it but they were too conservative, scoring only 26 goals in 35 games so far. That’s nothing but relegation form. Such a shame, they had good potential but nah. I read today that more than 50% of promoted managers lose their job the next season in the PL too, Aitor Karanka and Steve Bruce adding to that stat. Geez, it’s tough this footy business.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 to Chelsea

Southampton vs Arsenal

Thursday 6.45am (NZT)

Bonus footy because otherwise I’d have to push the deadline back and I ain’t got time for that. The people need their NBA coverage too, dawg. And it all must be provided so I ain’t got time to write anything special here either. Call it a boring midweek draw.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Holas footy fans. Just gotta say that if you rate these lil things we write here on the Cache then you can support the team by slapping on one of those corporate placement banners, you know what we mean.