Last Week: 5/9

Overall: 172/332

Manchester City vs Manchester United

Friday 7.00am (NZT)

Bonus pick. You’ll probably read this after the game is played and I’m picking an anticlimactic draw with both teams missing key players so nothing much to say here that won’t make me look silly afterwards. Instead, play the Man City True/False quiz about the Derby.

I got 6/9, good enough for bragging rights apparently but I got stumped on the Sagna one, the Dennis Law one and the 2011-12 one. It’s a dumb quiz. Too many weirdly specific answers. It's not actually a very good quiz, sorry about that.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-2

West Bromwich Albion vs Leicester City

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Both of these teams have done their business for the season. WBA deserve a top ten finish but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Like, when Tony Pulis says he’s gonna blood the kids then you already know he’s planning for next season. Fair enough too – though it’s not too late to at least give your fans one last taster. The Baggies got to 40 points and pretty much stopped trying. Five losses in seven games – the only win they’ve had in there was against Arsenal and that was also the only one of those seven games that they scored a goal in. A 0-0 draw away to Man United in there too though.

You know what? I like this Craig Shakespeare fellow. Never will accept the sacking of Ranieri but in the spirit of Richard III, if they were gonna dump him then at least they replaced him with his assistant named Shakespeare. He’s gotta spend a buck on that defence though, goddamn.

Here’s something way more fun:

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Southampton vs Hull City

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Hull are the first of the relegation battlers to take the field this weekend – I’m excluding Sunderland from that consideration because… let’s be honest, they’re not battling. They’re sinking. They’re sunk.

Therefore it’s Hull who can chuck the first points on the board, get Swansea playing from further behind. It’s the same thing that Gary Cahill mentioned midweek about Chelsea finally getting to play before Spurs and lay the challenge down rather than having to restore their lead instead after another Spurs win. It’s also the same thing that Spurs suffered the opposite way in trying to catch Leicester City playing catch-up every time. It’s irrelevant by the end of the matchweek but in those hours in between to know that you’re playing to go five points ahead of the drop zone rather than potentially playing to rise back out of it is massive. Games in hand are underrated at the bottom of the table.

Also, Hull have Oumar Niasse available after they won their appeal over his red card against Watford. A little surprised they got it overturned since the springs were up, but then it was never worth a red in the first place. Wasn’t aggressive, wasn’t much contact. All good baby baby.

Poor Southampton have lost two in a row, conceding seven goals in that pair of fixtures. But they were playing Man City and Chelsea so whatever. They’ve gotta think they can still overtake West Brom for eighth and while Hull are straight fire at home, their away form reads: LLLLL, with 5 goals conceded and three scored. This is your chance, Swansea. Who are you playing? Ah bollocks, Man United…

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-1 to Saints

Stoke City vs West Ham United

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Great to see Jack Butland back out on the field. He was the England number one in my mind when he got injured (though doubt Hogdo woulda picked him over Joe Hart at the Euros) but since then it’s been setback after setback. It’s only one game so far and it could be awhile before he’s back at the same levels he once was although the lad’s still only 24. There are great keepers who hadn’t played half the games he has at the same age.

He’s also coming back into a Stoke team that hasn’t kept a clean sheet since they caught a dozy midweek Man City team at the start of May. Five losses in six since then – beating Hull but then losing to Swansea in the follow up. Which is great for flippin’ Swansea. For West Ham too because they ain’t too good at the moment either and could use a gift of a goal or two.

The reality is that both of these teams should be safe and they have about four more games to get the one result they need to guarantee that – although with a bunch of teams hogging points at the top they should already be fine – Swansea aren’t getting to 40 points, don’t worry. The Hammers shut down Everton last week by playing a back three welcoming in Winston Reid on return from injury. Expect something similar because Slaven Bilic likes to ride his trends to death and with that we’ve got a game that… well it probably depends who wants it more. That’s usually a dumb cliché but it’s that time of the season where teams in the mid-table kinda phone it in.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Sunderland vs Bournemouth

Sunday 2.00am (NZT)

Boys and girls, it’s now time for a little bedtime story. This is one we like to call… A Tangled Tale of Nasty Nets.

Once upon a time there was a football club called Bournemouth. Also known as The Cherries. Well, The Cherries were managed by Mr Eddie and Mr Eddie was a happy young chappy. The happiest young chappy in all of the Premier League. That’s because Mr Eddie had taken The Cherries all the way from the bottom of the English Football League to the top division and his happy chappy ways made fans all across the land.

Many evil pundits thought that the Cherries would head straight back down once they got to the top division but they were horrid and wrong. Instead the Cherries were wonderful and beat many stronger teams along the way to a commendable mid-table finish. Mr Eddie then spent lots and lots of money to make his team better, stocking his squad full of young players who mostly failed to live up to their potential in their first season and so the Cherries had a few struggles in their second season at the top.

But of all the millions of pounds that Mr Eddie and the Cherries spent to improve their club, it was the £125 they spent on new nets that really did the trick. You see, the Cherries used to have red and black nets, which are the same colours as their jerseys. However with only 12 goals and two wins from a run of nine home games it seemed that the Cherries weren’t able to put the ball in those pretty red and black nets. So Mr Eddie’s assistant had a lovely idea. He said that they should go back to the traditional white coloured nets which are easier to see. That way their strikers could use their ‘peripheral vision’ more effectively!

So the Cherries did exactly that and in the first four home games with white nets they scored ten goals and won three of those games – taking them well away from the dangers of relegation. Hooray!

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 to Bourney

Crystal Palace vs Burnley

Sunday 4.30am (NZT)

A month ago these buggers were in opposite places but now Palace are up into that midtable mess and Burnley… they’re only five points off the drop. With 36 points so far they’re absolutely still in some trouble here. Could need two results from their four games and Palace are not a team that’s easily beaten these days – even when they lost to Spurs it took a blinder to make it happen from Christian Eriksen.

Then to make matters worse for Burnley…

What a muppet. How many chances does that guy need, really? I like Joey Barton but his condescending spell at Rangers and now this make it hard to see where he’s getting another chance. Probably looking at retirement now, surely. Then he can bet to his heart’s content. Yay.

Good news for Burnley is that they don’t play any of those relegation threatened teams so they don’t have to worry about not being able to beat them. Instead they’ve got four teams all in that middle swamp and at least one of them is bound to phone it in for them. Probably not Palace because Big Sam hasn’t been there long enough to lose focus yet but West Brom and West Ham look significant candidates for easy points – especially as those are the two homers left for Sean Dyche and company.

If Burnley do slip down, unlikely but still possible, then going 85% of the season without an away win makes it hard for them to complain. Two more chances and with Palace losing defenders like Joey Barton loses wagers then perhaps there’s a door left open here… mmm, not gonna be on it though. Joey might, I won’t.

Hey, Big Sam and Juvenile Joey could have a few words to each other over blown opportunities, couldn’t they?

Although, this is a very fair point. He’s guilty and has no choice but to accept the ban but he raises a relevant bit of hypocrisy here. Why can’t sports teams/organisations just sacrifice a dollar or two for the moral high-ground every now and then?

Wildcard’s Pick: Palace 2-1

Manchester United vs Swansea City

Sunday 11.00pm (NZT)

Expect Jose Mourinho to complain that he gets a full two hours and five minute less between fixtures than Manchester City get. Still less controversial than Antonio ‘No European Footy At All This Season’ Conte moaning about the fixtures though.

Regardless of what happens against City, this is a winnable game for Man United who have only lost once at Old Trafford in the PL this season – to City way back when. The Swans will be targeting other results and if they’re lucky I’ll be right and Hull will also lose. Burnley too. They did make winning against ManYoo a habit while Louis Van Gaal was there but earlier this season United smashed them and that’s more likely to happen again.

Wildcard Take: Losing Zlatan at this time is a disguised positive for Utd. Marcus Rashford is back scoring goals and in scintillating form. Could be rested for this one but even with the injuries (mostly all in defence) United can still chuck out way too many weapons. Henrikh Mkhitaryan for example – he’s due a big one and Swansea are the kind of team he fancies playing. A little more continental in their style, blame it on the Welsh thing.

This seems like a bad idea to me…

(Not because they’re bad, I rate them both highly, but because they’re so damn brittle)

Here’s the thing to hang your hope on if you’re a Swansea fan: You still have to play Sunderland again. It ain’t over yet, mate.

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-0 to MUFC

Middlesbrough vs Manchester City

Monday 1.05am (NZT)

Pretty sweet to see Boro get a win over Sunderland. It gives them something to savour on the way down to the Championship. Speaking of which, shout outs to Brighton & Hove Albion and Newcastle on their promotions. I’ve got a feeling a red hot Fulham team could come through and take the playoff promotion spot too, though Sheffield Wednesday will be tough to beat on their five game win streak. No arguments over Brighton and the Toon, however. Easily the two best teams in the division. Brighton will need a bit more work on their squad to make it PL ready but Rafa Benitez’s Newcastle should be set for a pretty solid return to the top flight. Id anything, they got better after they got relegated and if Rafa had been there from the start then they never woulda gotten relegated anyway. Keep an eye out for Anthony Knockaert, the Champo Player of the Season, for Brighton. Used to play for Leicester and the Frenchman just had the best season of his career.

Love a good crowd invasion, aye.

Umm… what else to say about City…? Dumb buggers lost to Arsenal, dunno that there is anything else to say. But don’t judge Pep until he’s got a squad with a real midfield and a real defence. He has neither yet and it shows.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 1-0

Everton vs Chelsea

Monday 1.05am (NZT)

If the title is gonna be lost, then this is the last big hurdle. They cleared the Southampton one now they’ve gotta take care of a Toffees side that’s scored 22 goals in their last six home games – all wins. This is no easy game. If Everton’s away form matched what they do at Goodison then they’d be top six for sure but that’s their problem. After this Chelsea are in the clear. Three home games of four, all against teams ranked outside the top nine and with a four point buffer they can afford to lose one anyway.

I wrote a thing about the Chelsea and Spurs rivalry ahead of their FA Cup clash. That game just seemed so important in the journey towards the title, even if it had no points relevance on the league at all. Here’s an excerpt:

“It’s an FA Cup semi-final, they’re playing at Wembley. The two best teams in the middle of a resurrected title race and they’re about to hit it up in front of 80,000 fans. Whichever divine presence went and arranged this, just give us all a sign and your house of worship will never be empty again. There are no league points on offer but a major statement here could be decisive. If Spurs carry on their immaculate recent form by beating up on Chelsea then nobody can deny that they’re the top of the crop right now. They can deal another brutal blow to a Blues team that might just be running out of steam after a long season relying on the same guys the whole way. If Chelsea can do the same then they’ll be able to look down on Tottenham and laugh at their insolence, thinking they could come at the bosses and win. Title race, ha! Same old Spurs more likely.”

Yeah… so safe to say I believe Chelsea will wrap this bad boy up with a win over Everton and with Diego Costa back in the goals, with Eden Hazard still fresh, with their defence holding firm after a few absentees and with the club bouncing back triumphantly from that defeat to Man United I reckon they might do exactly that.

Raise a glass for N’Golo Kante. He’s probably getting a fair bit of voter sympathy for last season as well as this one but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t deserve it. His high points are lower than the other candidates but his consistency is unrivalled. Every other candidate missed time with injury or had spells of poor form while Kante’s barely had a bad game in two years.

A True Story…

N’Golo Kante apparently had to be convinced to buy a car when he first joined Leicester City. He didn’t think he needed one. He just wanted to run to training and home again every day but the club had to talk him out of that plan. So now he drives a mini.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 1-0, that’s all it takes

Tottenham Hotspur vs Arsenal

Monday 3.30am (NZT)

Meanwhile this is what Spurs have to deal with, a casual North London derby against the FA Cup finalists. If Tottenham are to have any remaining chance at catching Chelsea, and you may as well keep pushing to the very end, then they can’t drop another point. Hence why this moment was so crucial…

Man, Eriksen is such a wonderful player. And underrated too with some of the guns surrounding him. Unlike other players in his mould he works so hard off the ball and technically he’s absolutely fantastic. Love that dude, what a player.

Speaking of Spurs players, you realise they’ve won five of the last six PFA Young Players of the Year. Dele Alli’s got two, which seems like something you wouldn’t let happen but then this is a silly award which needs much stricter boundaries. Whatever, Alli’s the man so you can’t be disappointed. Marcus Rashford’s winning it next season though, you heard it here first.

https://twitter.com/Dele_Alli/status/856501890049335296

I wonder if making the FA Cup Final, and giving himself one last chance to go out in glory, changes Arsene Wenger’s plans for next season. Nah, probably not.

How much would the Gunners love a win here to end the title chase of their biggest local rivals about now? Gonna be tough though, this brief spell of form isn’t exactly glamorous. The defence looks really good with the three centre-backs, shout out to Wenger for finally budging, but it also means they have to start Kieran Gibbs and it means one less attacker. If that was Mesut Ozil then no problems. But it isn’t. Also Spurs can play 3CBs too in return and that’ll make it more of a shootout which either Alexis Sanchez dominates or Spurs do.

Wildcard’s Pick: Keep it interesting with a 2-1 Spurs win

Watford vs Liverpool

Tuesday 7.00am (NZT)

By the time this game kicks off, Liverpool could have slipped from third to fifth. Losing to Palace was a killer for them. It takes the Champions League outta their hands. Hey, I was saying all along that they’d finish fifth but it’s one thing to say it, it’s another to see it happen. How hard is it to practice set pieces, Jurgen? Seriously, bro.

I keep getting Ragnar Klavan’s name mixed up with Razvan Cojanu, the dude who’s fighting Joseph Parker. Speaking of boxing, Anthony Joshua fights this weekend and he’s a Watford lad. Mates with Troy Deeney and everything.

After seeing Watters lose to a ten-man Hull team though? Can’t pick ‘em.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 to Liverpool

Yeah, g'day footy fans. Just gotta say that if you rate these lil things we write here on the Cache then you can support the team by slapping on one of those corporate placement banners, you know what we mean.