Chris Wood – Burnley (English Premier League)

Chris Wood and Ashley Barnes, the best of friends and the best of strike partners. A better love story than Rome & Juliet, than every Sandra Bullock movie, than pretty much every tale ever told since Winston Reid first met Andy Carroll. Read up on their evolving partnership here, both of them had scored in each of the previous three games. Both of them started this weekend against Watford. But only one of them got nominated for Premier League Player of the Month for March. Some impressive company here…

However after seven goals in 152 minutes on the park together, since Woody returned from injury, neither Barnes nor Wood were able to hit the back of the net. Ninety minutes against Watford and nothing to show for it. They started nicely… but then Watford settled in at home and if it weren’t for Nick Pope in goal then the Hornets would’ve been in the clear before the half. As it was, they didn’t find the breakthrough until half an hour to go when the ball fell nicely to Roberto Pereyra, who’d already been denied by Pope, and he whipped it in.

It was a lie that Woody didn’t get the ball in the net. He did, we’re talking the second minute of the game, not even ninety seconds gone. Burnley were messing around up top and Matt Lowton chipped in a deep cross which The Woodsman pummelled a header past the keeper… but the flag was up before he could celebrate. Correct call, but the game might’ve been quite different if that early strike had counted.

So Sean Dyche chucked on Sam Vokes with twenty minutes left. The Welshman replaced Georges-Kevin N’Koudou and then scored just 22 seconds after his introduction. Picked on a bad clearing header from a long free kick and there you go. And, being Burnley, they went and added another only three minutes later. Ashley Westwood with a free kick, Kevin Long with a nod back, Jack Cork with the header that crossed the line before it was slapped away and the goal-line tech confirmed it.

They clinched the win and that made it four in a row, first time since 1968 that they’ve won four top flight games on the trot. That European run is looking so good that even Sean Dyche isn’t dodging questions about it. Six games to go now.

Lancashire Telegraph Player Ratings: “Chris Wood 7 - Good header for disallowed goal and saw a late chance smothered, but couldn’t get hold of the ball until the game turned around.”

And of course he wouldn’t be a proper football man without an interest in the horses. Seems the missus (Reading striker Kirsty Linnett, a teammate of Footy Fern Anna Green!) has him covered here though.

Up Next: BFC vs Leicester City on Sunday at 2.00am (NZT)

Jake Gleeson & Bill Tuiloma – Portland Timbers (American Major League Soccer)

Neither Gleeson nor Tuiloma were supposed to be starters this season for Portland. They spent all preseason playing in what was effectively the second XI, getting the back halves of friendlies, yet now here we are a month into the season and they’re suddenly regulars. Jakey Boy got a little lucky with an injury to Jeff Atinella freeing up the keeping gloves while Billy T rode a strong preseason to upend veteran import centre-back Liam Ridgewell. Both were in the XI once more as Orlando City hosted Portland and give it a little more of this and Tui will fast be a club legend.

First MLS goal for Billy T, a strong header from a set piece just like he made a habit of doing for the Timbers 2 team last year. That was right before the hour mark of a game that the Timbers had done really well to control. It began with controversy in the 20th minute when Seb Blanco was given a second yellow for diving but the call was overturned by the VAR and a penalty awarded… which Diego Valeri duly slotted. Orlando had their chances to level this game up, getting plenty more shots off than the visitors, but then you can only ask for so much when you’re up against this bloke…

Coming out in the second half, Portland stepped it up and hit the post twice in the first five minutes. A further ten minutes later they made it 2-0 thanks to old mate. It was still 2-0 with ten minutes to play and it looked like the Timbers would be closing a ruthless five-game road trip to start the season with their first win, great for momentum as they finally get a home game next week.

Which was exactly when it all fell apart. 80th minute and rookie Chris Mueller headed in the first. 82nd minute and Sacha Kljestan tied it up from the penalty spot. 87th minute and Dom Dwyer beat Gleeson for a third goal in eight minutes for his side and a 3-2 victory, absolutely shell-shocked.

Jake Gleeson: “We gave it away. We were in a position to win. We played so well for 80 minutes and then we gave it away. We didn't have the fight and desire that we needed to finish the game out. This one is hard.”

Up Next: Portland Timbers vs Minnesota United, 2.30pm on Sunday (NZT)

Tyler Boyd – CD Tondela (Portuguese Primeira Liga)

At this stage of the season, Tondela are just trying to keep the points ticking over to stay comfortably ahead of that relegation zone, which they’re doing a nice job of so far. That’s the team’s aim but every player has their own baggage too and Tyler Boyd, having pretty much made himself a first choice winger since the league resumed from the winter break, is looking to cash in and hopefully earn a proper transfer before his loan comes to an end. Another goal would help that task and, oh, would you look at this? Just look at it! Tyler scored again!

That goal is so typical of Boyd. Gassing it towards that near post for a glancing finish. Put Tondela up 2-1 going into HT as well, not bad after Ewerton had given Portimonense the lead twenty minutes in after finding a massive hole in the CDT defence. It only took a couple minutes before a header from Bruno Monteiro off a corner had us all tied up again and then Boyd’s goal made it 2-1.

However ten minutes after the resumption some sloppy work at the back, starting with the Tonny keeper, allowed Wellington to tap it in from close range. 2-2 was the final score. Probably no less than Portimonense deserved after having more shots, more possession, more corners, more shots on target and far fewer fouls conceded. Draw ain’t bad for Tondela. Four goals for Boyd this season now too. He was replaced by Helder Tavares with 75 minutes played.

Up Next: Rio Ave vs Tondela, Tuesday 17 April at 7.00am (NZT)

Tommy Smith, Kip Colvey & Deklan Wynne – Colorado Rapids (American Major League Soccer)

Uno, dos, tres… hey lookit, Kip Coley’s back in the MLS! Cheers to Uncle Tony who pretty soon will have done more for kiwi footy as the manager of the Rapids than he did as All Whites manager. Smith was a locked in starter from the moment he signed, Deklan Wynne’s earned his way in with some strong performances going back to the early days and culminating in an MLS Team of the Week selection a week ago. Kip Colvey was injured in preseason but is back now and, surprisingly, launched immediately into the first team. Here’s what the Rapids PR team had to say…

ColoradoRapids.com: “Wingback Kip Colvey is making his first appearance of the season after being picked third overall in the 2017 MLS Waiver Draft on December 13, 2017. Colvey featured in four of six 2018 World Cup qualification matches for New Zealand against Fiji, Solomon Islands and Peru in 2017.

Defender Tommy Smith makes his fourth Major League Soccer start since joining the club from Ipswich Town of the English Championship on January 22, 2018. The New Zealand international featured for his country at the 2010 World Cup and last summer's Confederations Cup in Russia.

Defender Deklan Wynne who is coming off being named to the MLS Team for his performance against Philadelphia, will make his fourth consecutive Major League Soccer start on Saturday after joining the Rapids from Vancouver Whitecaps FC on December 21, 2017. A versatile defender, Wynne played internationally with New Zealand under Anthony Hudson and started all four matches of his country's trip to the 2015 FIFA U-20 World Cup.”

Rightio, how’d they go then? Yeah… not the worst. It was a scrappy game without too many chances at either end against FC Dallas. Shots from range and hopeful crosses kind of thing. But an hour in there the Rapids did get the breakthrough as Nana Boateng put Joe Mason through and the Englishman’s strike was deflected in. All on the end of a havoc-causing long ball from Tommy Smith too.

A couple more deep shots opened it up after that, Blomberg’s one drawing a top notch save at the Rapids’ expense while Tim Howard fumbled one at the other end that almost caused danger. Colorado were still holding on with two minutes left… but then they let it slide in such a simple way. A long ball over the top caught Deklan Wynne out for his size and trapped Howard standing flat-footed as Cristian Colman skipped in between them for the header across goal to make it 1-1. Five minutes of injury time later and that was the end of it.

How much do you want to bet that Anthony Hudson spun a late goal conceded into a positive somehow? The odds are very short…

Anthony Hudson: “Leading into this game, and I think probably most games that we’ve played, most people seem to write our team off. All the lead up to this game was the same. It was all about how many Dallas were going to score. All about Dallas. So I think what we’re quietly doing is we’re showing actually were a good team and tonight we put in a very strong performance which no-one expected, certainly everyone from Dallas, so the fact that we’re in the dressing room gutted means that we’ve done well and we think we should have gotten more out of the game but it’s a massive point on the road.”

… aaaaand there it is. As for the kiwi trio, gotta be the first time in history that three New Zealanders have started for an MLS team together – we don’t always get three NZers starting for the Phoenix, tbh – the reaction was notably mixed. Largely down to the bad taste of that late goal, no doubt.

Early days yet. No reason to panic. That’s five points from four games so far and also Marlon Hairston is out for a least one more week which probably means Kip Colvey gets another start next time up.

Up Next: Home to Toronto FC at 7.00am on Sunday (NZT)

Ryan Thomas – PEC Zwolle (Dutch Eredivisie)

Oh dear, not again. No sooner did the PECers finally bag another win then they went and immediately lost to a team they shoulda beaten. Ivan Vicelich’s old lot, actually: Roda JC. You know that Roda were up for it because they’d only last week leapt out of the relegation playoff spot and within ten minutes of kickoff they were up 2-0. Bloody hell. No Thommo own goals this time, at least.

First up Simon Gustafson dished to Donis Avdijaj who smashed a sweet strike off his right boot from outside the box in the third minute and in the eight min Gustafson helped himself from close range off the end of Mikhail Rosheuvel’s cross. The keeper might’ve done better there and Thommo absolutely emptied the tank trying to track the runner at the far post but couldn’t quite get there in time.

But a bad start is just a bad start and Zwolle were back in it in the 25th minute when Younes Namli whipped in a remarkable goal, a direct free kick on his left from a tight angle. Catching the keeper out there. That gave the PECers hope and they proceeded to run this game, even going to the extreme lengths of sacrificing their NZ midfielder in the 65th minute for attacking options. And finally they were rewarded in the 85th minute with Thommo’s replacement Queensy Menig’s slightly fortunate stab at goal sneaking in for the equaliser… only to concede two minutes later. Rosheuvel absolutely waxed Bram van Polen and thumped the ball past Diederick Boer in goal. D’oh.

Zwolle still sit sixth… but only because everyone else keeps losing too. 

Up Next: PEC Zwolle vs Excelsior, Sunday at 6.45am (NZT)

Katie Rood – Juventus (Italian Serie A)

The international break has cost us all our women’s players this week, what with the Ferns not having a game but all the leagues – even America! – going on hiatus for a bit. But if you happen to be playing for Juventus without a national team trip to go on then there are certain advantages to that situation. Juve’s ladies have already qualified for next season’s Champions League too, so that dream’s preeeetty close to reality.

Up Next: The Big One, Sunday at 1.00am… Juventus vs Brescia (NZT)

Jeremy Brockie – Mamelodi Sundowns (South African Premier Soccer League)

Another game and another win, it didn’t matter that Lucky Nguzana had given Baroka the 21st minute lead with a sharp volley because Sundowns equalised just before the half through Wayne Arendse and then Percy Tau gave them the lead on the other side of the break and it was a 2-1 win, enough to stretch their lead back out to four points at the top of the ladder.

No mention of Brockie in there. That’s because he was only an 85th minute introduction, replacing Khama Billiat. That’s his sixth league appearance for his new team, two of those starts, and totalling 190 minutes. Chuck in another 162 minutes across two cup games and he still hasn’t scored a goal. Hardly the impact he was looking for but it’s tough joining a team mid-season and it’s still all new for Brockie with the Brazilians. Clearly the boss, Pitso Mosimane, is looking to ease him in now, which might be the best option. Hard to pick him over the brilliant Percy Tau at the moment anyway.

Up Next: Sunday at 1.00am against Bidvest Wits (NZT)

Steven Old – Morecambe (English League Two)

Let’s check in with Stevie Old, aye? Just had a dig against Cheltenham Town and logged another ninety. But after keeping them scoreless in the first half, Chelters scored three times in the second to win it pretty easy in the end, 3-0. It was the 35th league appearance of the season for Old, who moved to England for family reasons but has turned into a really key player for the Shrimps as they look to stay in the Football League. This result didn’t help much but three straight draws and a win previously sure did. With six games left to play, they’re six points clear of the drop (and that’s with games in hand on most teams around them). Should add that Steve’s chipped in with four goals along the way. He missed two games with a knee injury last month but has been back battling these last four games.

And here’s one from a couple months back.

Up Next: Home to Chesterfield at 6.45am on Weds (NZT)

Greg Draper – The New Saints (Welsh Premier League)

Up Next: Away to Bala Town on Saturday at 6.45am (NZT)

Stefan Marinovic – Vancouver Whitecaps (American Major League Soccer)

Big Stef doesn’t ever have to worry about starting or not, he’s an absolute lock for the Caps every week (even as all his kiwi mates at the All WhiteCaps have been shipped out on loan or released). Same gig as always as Vancouver travelled to Utah to take on Real Salt Lake. The Whitecaps were coming off an impressive comeback win over Columbus Crew and this was a game that they’d have backed themselves to win as well.

Marinovic was first tested in the 20th minute as Luis Silva cut inside and curled one towards goal, tipped over by the kiwi (although it might have been going over anyway). No such chance in the fourth minute of injury time, ninety seconds away from half-time, when RSL took the lead through that bloke Silva (who was a little lucky to avoid a red card earlier). Way too much space in the box and then his low shot was deflected away from Marinovic, who was left flailing in the wrong direction. Unlucky, bro.

Bit of an odd game, a win and the Whitecaps would set their club record points total after five games but they’ve done that largely through sitting off the ball, defending well and hitting teams at crucial times. Except here they had the better of possession for the first time this season and logged the majority of the chances too… but their crossing was messy and they probably lacked a genuine gun of a striker to polish it off. The game got clunky and then, chasing the leveller, the Whitecaps conceded on the break right at the end, Jefferson Savarino tapping in from a couple yards leaving Marinovic with no chance. Brek Shea scored a fine volley in injury time to drag it back but it was too little too late, RSL winning it 2-1.

Eighty Six Forever Player Ratings: “Stefan Marinovic (6) - Outside of the two goals conceded (neither of which Marinovic could have really done much about) it was a pretty uneventful night for the Whitecaps keeper. On the play below, Marinovic makes his presence felt in the box before floating a wonderful through ball to the feet of Techera. At times Marinovic’s distribution has been called into question, so hopefully we’ll see more of this moving forward…”

Meanwhile if you’re sitting back, chewing nails, and eagerly awaiting news of Cory Brown’s spell on loan at Fresno, he finally made his debut this week as he played the full game at centre-back in a 1-1 draw against St Louis. Train’s on the tracks now, baby. Kyle Adams got in another ninety for Rio Grande in USL footy as they lost 2-1 away to Colorado Springs.

Up Next: Whitecaps vs LAFC, Saturday at 2.00pm (NZT)

Elliot Collier – Chicago Fire (American Major League Soccer)

Madness ensued as Bastian Schweinsteiger was named to play centre-back in a back five – even Anthony Hudson would struggle to come up with that one – for the Fire as they hosted Columbus Crew. Very weird decision, the new formation also meant a shuffling of attacking options and with that both Elliot Collier and Aleksandar Katai dropped out for Diego Campos and Alan Gordon. So back to the bench for Colly.

The usual main man up front scored the only goal. Nemanja Nikolic intercepted a shocking pass out from the back from the Crew keeper and rounded him to score. That was 26 minutes in and this was not a pretty game. They then immediately reverted to a 4-3-3 shape and sat back to absorb all the blows that the Crew had to offer. Which they did. Fouls were committed and eventually the time wasting began. Collier was introduced with twenty minutes left. Chicago won it 1-0.

Up Next: Chicago vs LA Galaxy, 7.30am on Sunday (NZT)

Smack an ad and you’ll be helping The Niche Cache keep on trucking as we are

Or jump on Patreon and get the insider goodies with a cheeky pledge