Chris Wood - Burnley FC (English Premier League)

Chris Wood: “It’s been one of the best days of my life. It really has. It’s amazing. It’s something I’ve always wanted in my career. It’s nice to finally happen. It’s been a long time coming. I’m 29 years old now and I’m over the moon it’s finally come, which is nice. It’s been a tough season, there’s no getting away from it, for me as a striker and the other strikers as well. Speaking for myself, it’s been tough. We didn’t have the first six months of the season we wanted and we knew we had to dig in and fight. I’m glad that all the strikeforce has come into the fold now and the goals have been coming for everybody.”

One of the best days of his life, folks. That’s what the deal is when a proper striker has one of those days where the goals just fly in. There’s a lot of pressure on strikers to put the ball in the back of the net, pressure that often doesn’t come with a lot of context, but there’s also massive rewards coming back the other way too. Chris Wood has had to cop the frustrating stuff during a season in which he’s been up near the top of the Big Chances Missed stat pretty much the whole way (he’s still third-equal, behind Patrick Bamford and Timo Werner). But the big fella had his day away to Wolverhampton Wanderers. By God did he have his day.

Burnley were back to the ol’ standard 4-4-2 shape with Matej Vydra starting up front alongside Wood and Josh Brownhill sliding out to the right wing. Other results haven’t quite gone as planned (although they could have been a lot worse, cheers Fulham) so the Clarets knew they still needed a couple more of their own to push the shadow of the relegation zone away... and they came out at Molineux intending to make this game one of them. To be fair, Burnley have started most of their recent games well, they just haven’t been able to maintain those standards and leads have been lost. Here we had a surprisingly open game to begin with yet it was Burnley’s directness and well-drilled attacking outlets which made the difference and once they scored the first there was no stopping them.

Chris Wood. 15th minute of the contest. A long ball over the top from Matt Lowton finds Wood on the diagonal run, Willy Bolly making a bit of a mess of the aerial to let it get over him but them’s the breaks. Wood shaped up on Connor Coady, cutting him inside them cutting back outside again. It looked like he’d taken it too far wide but then he unleashed a rocketing low shot past Rui Patricio and into the bottom far corner. A brilliant and clinical finish from the kiwi striker. Buried it from here...

Six minutes later he had two. Wolves made another mess, a messier mess this time, of trying to get the ball away from their own penalty area. Caught on the back-foot and turned it over, next thing Dwight McNeil’s sliding the ball over for Wood to tap in a simple goal. 2-0 up and they blew a lead just like that at Southampton not so long ago... this time they weren’t making the same mistakes. The Clarets kept on threatening, kept on that same pace against a team with nothing really left to play for this season, and just before the half was out The Woodsman had goal number toru. A header from inside the six yard box off a corner kick. The celebrations had been subdued up until then but he let loose with a knee slide and double clenched fists for this one.

For good reason: this was his first ever Premier League hat-trick. It was Burnley’s second ever Premier League hat-trick. Not his first as a pro though. He got one on loan at Birmingham against Milwall in November 2011. He got one for Leicester City away at Bristol City in January 2013 and he also also got one the following season in August 2013 for LCFC away to Carlisle in the League Cup. Of course he also has a couple for the All Whites: 2012 Nations Cup against Solomon Islands and 2018 World Cup qualification also against the Solomon Islands.

For some reason the teams bothered to continue with the second half despite the damage having already been done. In theory Wood had the potential to maybe score another hatty but nah there wasn’t the fizz left in the coke bottle for that. However he did set up Ashley Westwood for a thumping fourth goal late on, capping a 4-0 victory... Burnley’s biggest top flight away win since 1965. It was a beautiful thing. A cathartic and triumphant afternoon near the end of what has at times been a really difficult season. It had been coming though, Wood’s been in great form for a while now and he was bound to have one of These Days eventually. Better just chuck all these social media reactions out at once...

Sean Dyche: “Woody continues to improve in my opinion. He is a good striker who finds chances and finds goals and there is a knack to that. Good strikers always find a way, and although I still think there is more to his game that he can improve on, like his hold-up play and keeping the ball, that will do him no hard at all. He deserves all the praise he gets because I thought he was terrific. His physicality and understanding of the role makes him a top centre forward.”

Three goals. Hat-trick. Match ball. Don’t forget the assist as well. As if that wasn’t enough of a day for him, the trio of bangers also took him to ten goals for the season. It looked like he might struggle to get there for a while but nope this ripping run of form over the last month or two has surged him past that milestone with games to spare. The fourth season in a row that he’s scored double figures and the list of those keeping up with him continues to shrink...

Fair play to these 5785 battlers as well. Took a risk, got the treats. Woodsy scored 17 points with that haul. Magnifico.

And, umm... yeah, this...

Finally, for a nightcap...

Up Next: Burnley vs West Ham, Tuesday at 7.15am (NZT)

Michael Boxall – Minnesota United (American Major League Soccer)

The new season hasn’t gone as planned for Boxy and the Loons. Started with a 4-0 drubbing by Seattle, which blew out late but they were still well beaten, then they chased that with a home game against Real Salt Lake in which they found themselves 2-0 down at half-time. Anderson Julio had scored both (31’ & 41’), Minny had their chances but couldn’t hardly get a shot on target, then Julio whipped in a sharp finish from a counter attack that was almost broken but (almost isn’t good enough, children) and a simpler one after a bad pass at the back. An otherwise even game busted up by one team having that clinical edge and the other clearly not.

However the Loons made a right go of it in the second half, particularly near the end. They needed goalie Dayne St Clair to keep them in it first but he did his job and Robin Lod snatched one back volleying in on the spin near the end and there was a frisky last few minutes followed as Minny threw the kitchen sink at an equaliser. No dice, sadly. A 2-1 defeat means that a season they have title ambitions for has begun with two losses... long way to go yet of course.

But the real funky stuff happened after the game...

Boxy, mate, not holding back. Sprinkling a little spice on proceedings in his post-match chat... and the reasoning for the seasoning was this incident at the final whistle when RSL keeper David Ochoa hoofed the ball into the Minnesota fan section sparking a big old brouhaha...

Boxall wasn’t even the first to unload, his coach Adrian Heath added in a live telly cross after the fact that Ochoa “has some energy on him for a kid who’s not that good”. A lot of the anger stemmed from an incident after Lod’s goal where he tried to get the ball back for the quick kickoff only Ochoa grabbed it and rolled over onto it then when someone dragged it off him he started rolling around in ‘pain’ like he’d been violently mugged. It wasn’t too endearing. Hence the spillage of tempers after he booted the ball towards the (sparsely populated) fans. Boxall spent most of the drama trying to calm things down although he had a few choice words to offer to any dissidents.

Meanwhile Ochoa is 20 years old and was the starting keeper for the USA U23s who lost to Honduras in the semi-finals of Olympic qualifying recently – Honduras ending up in New Zealand’s group... Michael Boxall is probably on the shortlist of overage players that Danny Hay will be considering for that one. Weird how the gigantic world of professional football swings around like that with these little coincidences.

Now here’s an excellent video...

Up Next: Sunday at midday against Austin (NZT)

Bill Tuiloma – Portland Timbers (American Major League Soccer)

Here we go, Billy T in amongst the starters for the first time this season, at CB alongside Larrys Mabiala as they rotated things around a little. It was a home game. Fans were there in the stands (25% capacity max). And best of all the Portland Timber won with Tuiloma playing a key role in the winning goal.

The Timbers wasted no time in getting out in front. Sixth minute of the contest and Dairon Asprilla punched it in after a bright start (and after some slick work down the right wing by Pablo Bonilla). Mean as. However the Houston Dynamo got their act together soon enough to equalise through Cristhian Paredes’ 28th minute own goal from a flicked header and that was 1-1. Diego Valeri was subbed on at the half for Portland as the home side continued to pepper away with shots and chances that didn’t really have the required quality. Bill Tuiloma went as close as anyone in the 70th min when he jumped about six feet off the ground to win a header off Valeri’s corner that he thudded into the turf but it bounced up straight into the keeper’s grasp. Then he decided to act the provider instead with a sneaky long ball that only went and led to the winner...

Nicely done. The Timbers still had to survive a wave of orange attacks down the stretch but to be honest their counter attacks were the more dangerous. Either way it shouldn’t probably have ended at 2-1 but it did. Three points on the board for Portland on a lovely evening – and with a double gameweek on the cards we might see some more of Tuiloma sooner rather than later.

Up Next: Concacaf Champions League quarters, Portland vs Club América, Thursday at 2.30pm (NZT)

Katie Bowen – Kansas City (American National Women’s Soccer League)

A red card for Kristen Edmonds in the first Challenge Cup game opened up a spot in the back four for the next one. Kansas City were playing Chicago Red Stars... and what eventually happened was that Michelle Maemone switched over to the left and Katie Bowen came in on the right. There you go.

This was a tricky game. KC have relocated this season and lost a few of their best players, and Katie Bowen had to be in the right place in the 15th minute to head a ball off the line after Chicago attacked from a corner. KC survived that drama and began to get themselves into the game with some better footy of their own in what was otherwise a pretty dull half. Then they nearly started the second spell with a bang as Amy Rodriguez sent a glancing a header wide... but cracks began to show soon after and they were lucky to avoid conceding on a couple occasions, not really looking able to bust up the momentum.

In these spots sometimes you need a bit of luck to turn it around. That’s just what KC got when Rodriguez ran in on a sleepy defence and flicked the ball first time into the bottom corner, smooth as you get. 1-0 up with ten minutes remaining, all they had to do was hold on for the win and oh never mind Katie Johnson dashed in through the middle and levelled up two minutes later. 1-1 was the final score.

Full game for Bowen there and a full game retaining her spot for the subsequent match against Houston Dash... except we don’t really need to go deep on that given they lost 3-1. This was the franchise’s first home game since moving back to Kansas City and they made a statement walking out in “Justice for Daunte Wright” shirts, in honour of the Minnesota man killed by police in his own car a few weeks back. The one where the officer thought they were drawing a taser. What a broken country that is. Anyway, they then proceeded to get smoked by the Dash. Kristie Mewis scored in the 25th min then again in the 71st while Rachel Daly converted from the penalty spot in first half stoppage time. Michele Vasconcelos did run through to pull one back in the 77th at least... but KC aren’t creating nearly enough at the moment and it’s costing them. A work in progress.

Up Next: KC vs OL Reign, 4pm on Tuesday (NZT)

Ali Riley - Orlando Pride (American National Women’s Soccer League)

An 11th minute goal from Sydney Leroux put Orlando into the lead against Washington Spirit. Slipping in behind the defensive line and finishing with casual class past an on-rushing goalie. That was the only goal of the game... but it wasn’t Sydney Leroux (or Ali Riley) than anybody was talking about afterwards. That, instead, would be goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris who had already made one diving stop before Leroux’s goal and would make plenty more along the way (nine saves in total) as the Pride somehow held on for victory.

Ali Riley is gonna be a regular on the left for this team all season and her energy is pretty key for a team that wants to both hold a lot of possession and also press hard to win the ball back quickly when they don’t have it. Plus she’s got room to get forward on attack. But this one was mostly about the defensive stuff... of which Riley did kinda get waxed by a Trinity Rodman spin move but a sliding challenge came in from a teammate to back her up. She was booked later in the half for smashing into Rodman so call that revenge. Otherwise it was a solid outing amongst the resistance.

Washington seemed to have scored in the 25th minute after a quick free kick with Kelley O’Hara, Ali Riley’s old college roommate, smashing it in... except the ref hadn’t blown her whistle for the restart so they had to take it again. Then it was into the second half where Harris went wild. A stop with her feet. A low palm away at her back post. Diving to push one past the sticks. There was also a cross that drifted into the post and another one that flicked the crossbar. Things looked dark when Orlando gave up a penalty for Phoebe McClernon sliding through the back of Ashley Hatch... but Harris saved Hatch’s spottie with her legs on the dive.

It had been carnage up until that but Washington understandably began to show some dejection after the penalty miss. Alex Morgan nearly put the game beyond doubt on the assist from Marta but her close range shot was saved. In the end they held on anyway. O’Hara was sent off in stoppage time for a second yellow... after one last crucial save by Ashlyn Harris. A 1-0 win for the Pride keeps them in with a slight chance of making the final if other results go their way.

Elsewhere in the NWSL, Rosie White was an unused sub for OL Reign again while Abby Erceg continues to sit out for the NC Courage. Here’s what her coach had to say about that recently (Kiwi is her nickname at the club, btw)...

Paul Riley: “We are going to rest Kiwi a little bit. I think we’re playing on turf so for us I don’t think it’s worth the risk yet. I think she’s probably two, three weeks out. We’re looking at the Orlando game on the 1st [of May] is probably the game for Kiwi, if not it’ll be the start of the regular season. We’ll see how it plays out but she still needs a little but more time.”

Up Next: Sunday at 11.30am, North Carolina Courage vs Orlando Pride (NZT)

Sarpreet Singh - Bayern Munich II (German Liga 3)

Sarpreet Singh’s back fizzing at Bayern II, he’s starting games again, and he’s got a handful of them left to get his team clear of the relegation zone. Easiest way to do that is to score some goals and oh look see what he did the other day away against FSV Zwickau. 35th minute. BM2 on the attack. Singh pushed up towards the far post as the ball’s slipped in once, then squared again to him with time to take a touch and pluck it into the bottom corner from about seven yards out. Easy peasy.

They’d had a couple scares early as Zwickau had a volley deflected wide and a header off target from a corner though the finishing from both teams was lacking here. Particularly deep into the contest, after Singh had been subbed off in injury time clinging onto that 1-0 lead. Zwickau sent the keeper up and got done on the break... but the BM2 fella couldn’t hit the target from out wide on the left with an empty goal. Then they bollocksed a 1v1 soon after. Finally Zwickau had one last chance to hoof the ball into the box with the keeper again going forward and that keeper got up to win the header. Bayern still could have cleared it but the defensive header was poor and somehow Steffan Nkansah slipped in a 96th minute equaliser. There was a claim of handball in the lead-up but goal stood and BM2 thus let two crucial points slip away. Bugger.

Then they played Saarbrücken and lost 4-0. They were two down inside twenty minutes. Singh played the full game but wasn’t able to repeat the dose against the highest scoring team in the division... Bayern have four games remaining to find a couple wins and get themselves clear of the drop. It’s gonna be tough.

Up Next: MSV Duisburg vs BM2, Thursday 6 March at 5am (NZT)

Nik Tzanev – AFC Wimbledon (English League One)

And again. An entire season of struggle and woe and then in the last month and a bit they suddenly surge into a winning streak that fixes almost everything. This time it was a 2-1 win over Oxford Town in which the Dons had to come from behind. The first half had no goals but it had plenty of Nik Tzanev, a couple fine stops to keep the game level – in particular one with his feet at the near post and another diving backwards to keep a deep cross from accidentally floating in over him. Unfortunately he was blind-sighted in the 52nd minute as Josh Ruffels’ shot somehow snuck through traffic with a deflection (or maybe two) and the Dons were in trouble... for about ten minutes.

That was when things turned drastically. James Henry threw his hand at a goal-bound shot defending the post from a corner kick and that was a no-doubter red card and penalty. Joe Pigott scored from the spot and a mere two minutes later Alex Woodyard scored on the cut-back. Pigott’s 20th of the season, Woodyard’s first. A bit unlucky not to add a third but against ten men they didn’t have too much trouble easing out a 2-1 win – a fourth win in a row.

That wasn’t job done in terms of avoiding relegation (shows what a mess they were in before that 12 points in a row still leaves them with work to do), but it gives them a huge upper hand. The Dons are out of the drop zone and time is now on their side. The winning streak came to an end on the weekend away to Ipswich... but a Nik Tzanev clean sheet meant they didn’t lose any ground. Probably should have gained ground as they wasted a few golden moments along the way including Pigott missing a penalty, though Ipswich (who haven’t scored for six games) also hit the post with a flicked header late before Tzanev made a good diving save with two-hands. So it goes. 0-0 the final score. A win in the midweek against Rochdale will secure League One safety for another season.

Up Next: Wednesday at 6am against Rochdale (NZT)

Tommy Smith – Colchester United (English League Two)

Go on then. A second win in a row for Colchester. They were hosting Southend in the midweek and, given that these two were the teams on either side of the line of relegation, that meant a victory would all but assure the U’s of EFL football again next season. And a win is exactly what they got, moving nine points clear of their opponents thanks to goals from Michael Folivi (30’) and Harry Pell (37’). Folivi followed up on a shot from distance that was spilled by the keeper while Pell thumped in on the second phase from a corner and his celebration led to a pile-on of every Colchester player other than the keeper. Insert cliche here about looking at what it means to them. Southend never really mustered up much themselves (2 shots, 0 on target) and any hopes of a second half comeback were busted when Jason Demetriou was sent off for an awful tackle on Pell. One of three rough challenges in the same sequence as Southend dudes tried to outdo each other for violence. Thus a 2-0 win for Colchester.

They chased that win with a 1-0 loss against Cheltenham in which Conor Thomas scored in the 82nd minute. Colchester almost held on for that cheeky point but in fairness they were belted a lot of the way. How Cheltenham hadn’t already scored was a mystery... how they eventually did score was almost a mystery too as a scrambling spell from a corner led to Thomas poking the ball over the line at close distance. Cheltenham move to within a point of automatic promotion with the 1-0 win while Colchester actually moved a spot above Scunthorpe whose goal difference took more of a hit this weekend. Still a little bit of work for them to do, one more win from their last two games would confirm safety although results elsewhere are likely to take care of that too. A pair of full games for Smithy who was booked in the latter.

Up Next: Colchester vs Salford, Sunday at 2am (NZT)

Hannah Wilkinson – MSV Duisburg (German Bundesliga)

Yeah... probably looking at relegation now. Duisburg were always gonna lose to Wolfsburg, who are trying to keep up with Bayern Munich in the title race (there’s two points between them with two games to go – Bayern also dealing with a Champions League run, they’re 2-1 up over Chelsea after the first semi-final leg). Sure enough goals for Alexandra Popp (32’), Lena Sophie Oberdorf (49’), Rebecka Blomqvist (60’), and Fridolina Rolfö (67’) led Wolfsburg to a 4-0 win. Hannah Wilkinson played off the bench as they picked a more naturally defensive team, she was subbed on just before the fourth goal.

That was all well within the realms of expectation. What Duisburg were really hoping for was that SV Meppen wouldn’t beat third-placed Hoffenheim except they did and now for Duisburg to survive they need Meppen to lose all three remaining games, themselves to win all three remaining games, and to overturn 15 goal difference points in the process. Noooot sure that’s gonna happen, to be honest, given the Zebras haven’t actually won a league game all season.

Up Next: Monday 10 May at midnight against Werder Bremen – a potential Flying Kiwis derby (NZT)

Meikayla Moore – Liverpool (English Championship)

It’s now seven league games in a row without defeat for Liverpool who are finishing the season in some sweet form. They did get knocked out of the FA Cup last week but still. Decent yarns. And the win over Sheffield United this week was one of the best, a genuine grind-out against a team that’ll be one of their main rivals for promotion next season. Leicester have already booked promotion this time around... but with Durham slipping up lately the Reds could still finish second the way it’s going.

Amalie Thestrup scored the crucial goal in the 30th minute. Tapping in from extreme close range, she was basically on the goal-line when the ball deflected back into her path after Kirsty Linnett’s square pass had pin-balled back and forth after a slick counter attack down the left wing. Easy finish, that was the only goal of the game... but this one was more about the goals that weren’t scored.

Seven minutes earlier, Leighanne Robe had fouled Courtney Sweetman-Kirk in the box except Katie Wilkinson missed the penalty for Sheffield United. Hit the post and it bounced wide. Clumsy challenge and a clear foul but the Reds got away with it and would take the lead soon after. They had a chance to double it late in the half but Amy Rodgers’ effort was saved. Then in the 65th min Rodgers took a shove in the back and won a penalty of her own. Linnett took this one... and it was saved. Both teams now having missed from the spot.

Where things really got crazy was right at the end with Liverpool defending that narrow lead when Taylor Hinds handled the ball in the box and that was not only a second bookable offence for her but it was also the game’s third penalty. Jade Pennock took this one... and again it was missed! 91st minute of the game. Rylee Foster with a brilliant save and then a brave one on the follow up which saw her took a knock that’d cause her to be subbed off for the rest of stoppage time. But the Reds clung on for the 1-0 win. Meikayla Moore with the full game in a makeshift defence due to a mini injury crisis (they only had four fit subs for the bench). Liverpool have one more game remaining next week and then it’s full tilt towards the Olympics for Meikayla Moore.

Up Next: Liverpool vs London City at 1am on Monday (NZT)

Winston Reid - Brentford FC (English Championship)

Brentford have been playing with a back three lately but that switch has coincided with Winnie being out of the starting team. The centre-back merry-go-round, you know how it goes. The Bees have continued to draw games like mad in his absence – six of their previous seven games and it looked like they were on the brink of another one when Pontus Jansson was sent off against Bournemouth early in the second half this weekend. But then Bryan Mbuemo scored in the 77th minute and there you go. A 1-0 win, sweet as.

Reid hasn’t even been in the squad the last few games which suggested an injury although nobody from the club ever bothered to confirm that until that the gaffer mentioned that Reid was back and available again... right as Jansson has to serve a suspension so seems like Winston had better give those boots a clean for the mid-weeker. It’s all about ensuring they get a home semi-final now for the playoffs as Norwich and Watford have already hogged up the automatic gigs. Brentford, Bournemouth, Swansea, and Barnsley are the four teams who’ll be in those playoffs but there’s only one point between the lot of them with two games left (three for Brentford, thanks to the midweek game).

Up Next: Wednesday at 6am, Brentford vs Rotherham (NZT)

Greg Draper – The New Saints (Welsh Premier League)

Right place, right time, and Drapes is back in the goals. He was brought on at half-time of this game against Caernarfon in what had proved a frustrating evening to that point. Then Draper got the breakthrough and a red card for the home side with ten minutes to go led indirectly to a second, Blaine Hudson with the finish, and there you go. A 2-0 win that kept TNS top of the pops in Wales. Draper’s 14th goal of the season yet his first since December. Five of those goals came in one game back in October and there was an extended break midseason what with old mate covid and all that. Draper hasn’t been as prominent since they, only starting two of the nine games that he’s played in that time, but he sure scored a crucial one here.

However we might just skip over the subsequent game when he missed a penalty in a 4-1 loss at home against Connah’s Quay which swaps the two teams on the standings. TNS now three points back (though with a much better goal difference). Five games remain for them to try and win back the title that Connah’s Quay won off them last season, breaking what had been an eight year consecutive championships run.

Up Next: Caernarfon Town at home, 6.45am on Wednesday (NZT)

Callum McCowatt & Elijah Just - FC Helsingør (Danish Division 1)

That tweet’s from last week but the vibe remains as both the fellas started for FCH this week. Something that hasn’t happened too often, it’s just the second time since the Winter Break ended (Eli Just was injured coming out of it) and fifth time all season that the duo has been out there together from the start. Both were subbed off by the time that FCH scored the winning goal, Nicolai Geertsen doing the honours in the 74th minute, as they club looks increasingly like they’re gonna finish fourth now. Pretty crazy having only just been promoted.

Up Next: Away to Viborg on Saturday at 4am (NZT)

Joe Bell – Viking FK (Norwegian Eliteserien)

It’s only a preseason game but still cool to see Joe Bell getting on the scoresheet. Direct from a free kick by the sounds of it. Viking had been 2-0 down against Start, came back to take a 3-2 lead (Bell also played a role in the build up for the first goal), then conceded late to draw 3-3. None of it matters massively but it’s all good reps ahead of the proper season. Bell was one of five VFK players who got the full ninety mins.

Up Next: 10 May at 4am is the first game, home to Brann (NZT)

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