He was supposed to be going to Chelsea. A triumphant return to the club he left to chase first team football a few years back. Everton’s apparent £100m asking price was always gonna be a bit of a hurdle but everyone pretty much assumed that Antonio Conte would get his man eventually.

And then BANG, WHUP, KAPOW! In swoop Manchester United with a dramatic £75m bid and suddenly they’d signed him from right out under Chelsea’s noses. Everton denied the deal just long enough for Chelsea to match the price but United offered a few more extra-curricular pounds and before you knew it Romelu Lukaku was wearing red. One powerful Everton striker joining Man Utd right as another one, 13 years after doing the same, returned back down the opposite path.

This was some insane drama. United are no strangers to the odd stoppage time goal but stoppage time transfers are a new one… unless you count the fax machine debacle that ensured two years back that David de Gea didn’t end up at Real Madrid. That was the equivalent of a late equaliser though – snatching Lukaku while everyone was waiting for Chelsea to finish the paperwork on their final bid was Michael Owen popping up in the box to make it 4-3 in the Manchester Derby.

In other words, it wasn’t just a massive victory for United (regardless of the price – the Pogba deal combined with British TV money means there’s really no comparison for transfer fees right now) but it was also a massive blow and a big ol’ middle finger to one of their biggest rivals, the defending PL champs no less. Chelsea had only just begun the process of heckling Diego Costa back to Atletico Madrid when their hand-picked replacement escaped them, prised from their grasp by some sly work from Mino Raiola and Secret Agent/Best Mate Paul Pogba.

Chelsea can always pivot to Alvaro Morata now, he’s not the worst alternative in the world (in fact he’s a brilliant one), but the ego damage might take a second to heal. If reports are to be believed then Antonio Conte has already threatened to walk away if he doesn’t get the transfers he wants. Jose Mourinho hasn’t gone that far but he’d made it well known that he wanted four new players and he wanted as many of them as possible by the time his team assembled for preseason. Only one could sign Rommy Lukaku. This wasn’t just a transfer, it was a power play.

It’s no secret that Manchester United haven’t been the same beast since Sir Alex Ferguson retired. Losing a legend like Fergie was always gonna mean a period of rebuilding as the club recalibrated its place in football without the man who had been its face for a quarter of a century. But sneakily their vice-chairman David Gill also retired at the same time as Ferguson, allowing for Ed Woodward to assume his old responsibilities. Fergie’s last game? A 5-5 draw with West Brom in which Romelu Lukaku came off the bench to score a hat-trick.

You already know how Davie Moyes went in Manchester and while Louis van Gaal was an improvement he also failed to meet the expectations of MUFC, so used to competing for titles every season. Results sunk and they’ve since endured their four worst Premier League finishes all in a merry row. As their influence on the park has declined, however, their financial might has only increased. Desperate to maintain their power in world footy but without the achievements to justify it we’ve instead seen Woodward and the team flexing in a different manner to how Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Eric Cantona once did with ball at feet. 

Lessons have been learned along the way. Their initial transfer windows were an absolute disaster with Woodward pretty much shooting straight at goal from the kickoff, assuming he’d score. United were linked with Gareth Bale, they were linked with Neymar, they were linked with any damn superstar not named Messi or Ronaldo… none of these transfers were very realistic but this was how they stayed relevant. If you can’t name any of these dudes in a starting XI at least make sure you’re named alongside them in the tabloids.

Except while they were linked with Bale, Neymar and Modric… what they got was Marouane Fellaini. At the deadline. For a bunch more than they woulda payed for him if they’d signed him before his buyout clause expired. Guts to Fellaini, he’s pretty much become the poster boy of that ineptitude and yet all three post-Fergie managers have seemed to love him. Moyes was just lucky Mourinho edged Juan Mata out of Chelsea and making him available in January. Usually signing players from rival teams is a bit of a dodgy one for reputations, unless it’s a special Robin van Persie situation, but Juan Mata has proven a rare creative wizard in the years since amidst all the Boring, Boring Man United stuff.

Skipping the dumb things now, of course they went and hired Jose Mourinho. A club desperate to control their own powerful narrative and a manager famous for doing exactly that with his own. Listen to the way the dumb pundits talk about Jose: He’s a WINNER. Alternatively, he’s also a gaffer who has left multiple clubs in near ruins after departing usually after only three years. Nah, but he’s a winner. For the club that Woodward’s Manchester United wanted to be, he was the perfect appointment… even before he spent the best part of half a year undermining van Gaal by keeping his name in constant connection with that United job. That LVG’s sacking was leaked only moments after he won the FA Cup – the club’s first major trophy since Ferguson – was the final nail in the coffin. Not saying Louis deserved to stay on but the manner it was handled in was ruthlessly distasteful. Although Woody and Mou won’t have cared.

Once Mourinho was on board, that’s when the show really got rolling. A forgettable Premier League campaign saw little ground gained on the last three seasons but they won the League Cup and won the Europa League, thus guaranteeing a return to the big stage of Champions League footy. Not quite Fergie-levels of success and Mou’s three-trophy salute (counting, ridiculously, the Community Shield) was nothing if not trying to control the narrative. At least they were winning stuff, at least they were flexing again. The world record transfer of Paul Pogba doesn’t happen with Moyes or van Gaal in charge, them’s just the facts.

They’re still getting linked with stupid transfers but it’s always hard to tell who’s responsible for what. United want people to know they’re open to Ronaldo coming back if that turns into anything (it won’t) but they didn’t go crazy there so no dramas. The most famous one was when fans were told the signing of Sergio Ramos was imminent only for it to become clear he was using ManYoo’s financial weight and ambition to work up a new contract extension with Real Madrid.

Obviously United have been careful not to get pantsed like that again and this offseason has been absolutely flooded with United ‘sources’ trying to control the narrative of their transfer workings. Several places ran stories about how the club were never interested in Monaco’s Fabinho. The only reason that story existed was because… no, nothing to do with Fab trying to get more money. Not even Monaco trying to drive bids. No, apparently that link was leaked by Juventus to absolve them from giving up on trying to meet the fee for the Brazilian.

We were led to assume the Alvaro Morata move was gonna happen with all those regular updates only for the Lukaku deal to break instead. And when it did of course it came with lines about how Lukaku was always their number one choice and the Morata interest was only in case this didn’t pull through. Probably a little rewriting of history on that one.

Oh and the piece de resistance: no sooner had they confirmed the Lukaku transfer then a story had popped up dismissing new Arsenal signing Alexandre Lacazette as a player they looked at and passed on. The Guardian story was filed from Los Angeles, where Manchester United are assembling ahead of their preseason stuff. Gee, wonder where that leak came from, aye?

Like, what’s the point of telling anyone that other than to take a dig at Arsenal? A couple fellows such as Mourinho and Woodward, they can’t just have a nice car or a nice house… they have to have the best car and the best house. That goes for centre forwards too. Word comes out that Chelsea are pissed about the Lukaku thing and are no longer willing to consider selling Nemanja Matic to United and immediately they’re out there proactively linking themselves to their original first choice: Tottenham’s Eric Dier. When money’s no object it’s a lot easier to be picky and choosey.

Haha and of course Lukaku had to spill a few beans about joining the “biggest club in the world”. Same as every other player they’ve bought recently who all say the same thing in their bland, corporate introductions. As if, you know, they’ve been told to say it.

It’s remarkably petty but, let’s be honest, also remarkably fun. Fergie did even worse to Arsenal when he bought Robin van Persie, don’t forget, while Jose Mourinho is never one to refrain from a carefully but very deliberately disguised stab at anyone who’s ever put him out. You think he didn’t take extra satisfaction in beating Chelsea, his former club and the team that currently owns the title, to a player like Lukaku? Better bloody believe he did.

Hey, it ain’t personal, it’s just transfer business.

Until that big money transfer offer comes in for one from our stable of interns, TNC’s just trying to get by, mate. Click on an ad and support the Nichey Niche.