Last Week: 3/10

Overall: 71/150

Bournemouth vs Leicester City

8.45am Wednesday (NZT)

They’re back! The Champions are back! Or… maybe we oughta wait and see if they can repeat that dose against a team when they aren’t 3-0 up after 20 minutes, allowing them to play deep and on the break like they did so well last season without having to overcommit to score at all. City were a mess to start that game, they’ve got plenty of work to do but that’s surely what we should expect from a team with a new manager. It’s only Chelsea that are really thriving with a new boss and they’ve got a squad largely made up of champions from only two seasons ago. There wasn’t much work to do (okay, there was but it was psychological and Guus Hiddink did most of it).

Brakes pumped on Leicester but that was a huge win and enough to remind us of what they did last time around. Say what you want about Jamie Vardy’s hat-trick – something he never did last season – but I thought Riyad Mahrez was the star of the show. That touch before his assist… phwoar!

I cannot wait to see Leicester play Sevilla in the Champions League. It’s such an enticing match of styles, hard press against counter attack, plus both are used to overachieving so there’s no negativity out there like we often see at this stage. But we’ll have to wait for that. Right now Leicester have a busy month where they can do enough to pretty much save their league season, meaning they can put 100% attention to the Champs stuff when it comes back around.

Told ya Bournemouth would lose to Burnley last week. Actually it was one of only three games I got right, slipping back under that 50% mark sadly. Then again, I was an equaliser away from a couple more goodies, I genuinely though Man United would concede late to Spurs for a while there. Eh, whatever. These two drew both times they played last season, Bourney being one of only three teams to take points off the Foxes both times they played – Man Utd also drew with them twice and Arsenal beat ‘em both times. That ranks well for the Cherries here against a weaker version of the same side although Leicester’s form in the midweek has been pretty superb this season. Hmm. Kinda leaning towards another draw.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Everton vs Arsenal

8.45am Wednesday (NZT)

Come on Gunners, you didn’t honestly think you were getting anyone else in the Champions League now did you? Maybe Real Madrid. It doesn’t matter how well you stroll through that group, y’all are gonna draw a big bugger in the next round. Hey, this could be the year you finally win, aye? Bayern are only 95% as impenetrable with Ancelotti instead of Guardiola.

Arsenal’s Recent UCL History:

• 2010-11 // R16 vs Barcelona, lost 4-3 (aggregate)
• 2011-12 // R16 vs AC Milan, lost 4-3 (aggregate)
• 2012-13 // R16 vs Bayern Munich, lost 3-3 (away goals)
• 2013-14 // R16 vs Bayern Munich, lost 3-1 (aggregate)
• 2014-15 // R16 vs Monaco, lost 3-3 (away goals)
• 2015-16 // R16 vs Barcelona, lost 5-1 (aggregate)
• 2016-17 // R16 vs Bayern Munich… we’ll see…

Arsene Wenger: “Look, the last six years we have not come past the last 16. They said that God made the world in seven days and this is the seventh day for us! So we have to get a special day.”

That’s certainly one way to look at it. A lot of people don’t realise Mr Wenger was raised a pretty strong Catholic. You see it in the way he speaks sometimes but you see it especially in the way he manages. He doesn’t trust individual results, he’s all about an overall kind of performance which is exciting and beautiful to watch. He cares about the morals of football, not the riches.

Poor Wenger, he deserves better than all this.

Should get a win against Everton if they play how they have been though. Those poor bastards haven’t won since October and are fresh of blowing a lead against Watford (albeit a first half lead). Romelu Lukaku was in the goals but I’m still sceptical they can score enough on his back alone now that Yannick Bolasie is out. Oh and instead of picking my boy Ross Barkley, Koeman went and picked Gerard Deulofeu instead. The prick. Just for that I hope Alexis Sanchez completely fustigates him.

The guy is the best player in the Premier League right now and he also has the most famous dogs in the Premier League.

Wildcard’s Pick: Arsenal 2-1

Middlesbrough vs Liverpool

8.45am Thursday (NZT)

Punditry in 2016, folks. To be fair they carried on and start kidding around about the old days but that’s boring so who cares.

I rambled about Karius the other day, I think he’s talented enough that you stick with him but nursing in a new keeper doesn’t really go with a title challenge… which is fine coz I don’t think they’re gonna win it anyway and honestly I expect most Reds fans would take a Champions League spot if they were offered it right now. Hey and it’s either Karius or Mignolet and Klopp doesn’t seem like the type to panic buy in January.

A scrappy defence from Middlesbrough against an overwhelming attack like Liverpool’s probably leans towards Klopp’s lads getting another win in the tally. You can’t really play Liverpool for a 0-0 or a 1-0, you’ve gotta score goals and put their fragile backline under pressure and I’m not sure that Boro have that in them. Hopefully Stewart Downing gets a run off the bench though, that’ll be funny.

Jurgen Klopp: “I’m not surprised about it. In my first press conference I spoke about English media, and the pundits, the former players, forgot completely how it felt when they get criticised. Especially the Neville brothers, the one who was a manager, he should know. He’s not interested in helping a Liverpool player. I don’t listen to them. Carra doesn’t speak too much about United players, and the Neville brothers don’t care much about Liverpool. Tell him I’m not on Twitter. If he wants me, Twitter doesn’t help.”

The Neville Brothers don’t like Liverpool!? Oh no wait I already knew that…

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 Liverpool

West Ham vs Burnley

8.45am Thursday (NZT)

These midweek games always keep ya on your toes. Especially when there’s another set of games on the weekend again. Here’s the tricky task ahead of every team:

• Chelsea: Sunderland (A) / Crystal Palace (A)
• Arsenal: Everton (A) / Man City (A)
• Liverpool: Middlesbrough (A) / Everton (A)
• Man City: Watford (H) / Arsenal (H)
• Spurs: Hull (H) / Burnley (H)
• Man Utd: Crystal Palace (A) / West Brom (A)
• Watford: Man City (A) / Sunderland (A)
• West Brom: Swansea (H) / Man Utd (H)
• Everton: Arsenal (H) / Liverpool (H)
• Southampton: Stoke (A) / Bournemouth (A)
• Stoke: Southampton (H) / Leicester (H)
• Bournemouth: Leicester (H) / Southampton (H)
• Burnley: West Ham (A) / Spurs (A)
• Leicester: Bournemouth (A) / Stoke (A)
• Crystal Palace: Man Utd (H) / Chelsea (H)
• Middlesbrough: Liverpool (H) / Swansea (H)
• West Ham: Burnley (H) / Hull (H)
• Swansea: West Brom (A) / Middlesbrough (A)
• Hull: Spurs (A) / West Ham (A)
• Sunderland: Chelsea (H) / Watford (H)

This is huge for West Ham, they have the chance to go back to back against a couple teams who are more than beatable for them. And bad as West Ham’s home form may be, in Burnley and Hull they play two of the three worst away team in the league. The Hammers are also one of eight teams with consecutive home games over this next week, and easily the best pair of games. Sucks to be Everton who are at home twice but against Arsenal and Liverpool. Ronald Koeman better be careful what he says. Crystal Palace have a ruthless couple games too, despite being at Selhurst Park, while Burnley here… well maybe they can score their second goal away from home finally if nothing else.

Wildcard’s Pick: West Ham 1-0

Sunderland vs Chelsea

8.45am Thursday (NZT)

Don’t worry, this is a midweek game and I won’t humouring anyone with talk of how Sunderland can plot an upset. If Sunderland win this game, it’ll mean Diego Costa headbutted the referee within sixty seconds of kickoff. It’ll mean Eden Hazard dribbled around Papy Djilobodji so swiftly that he dislocated every vertebra in his back and had to be replaced. It’ll mean N’Golo Kante got so bored of marking every other midfielder out of the game that he turned his focus to the one man he’s never tamed: himself… and successfully shut him down. It’ll mean that Thibaut Courtois accidentally put his gloves on backwards and couldn’t fix them because, y’know, his gloves were on backwards. It’ll mean Antonio Conte got so close to the crowd trying to pump them up that he was sucked up into it and hasn’t been seen since. It’ll mean David Luiz was arrested for trying to bust the Springfield Dam even though it was actually his brother who did it and he was trying to save the town. And it’ll mean John Terry played instead of him.

The scary thing is that Chelsea will make it ten wins on the trot with this one and following it they’re away at Palace and home to Bournemouth and Stoke. Win all those and they travel to White Hart Lane to play Spurs where they could potentially tie the PL record of 14 straight wins, held by Arsenal. Which makes it almost a win-win for Spurs fans, really.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-0

Manchester City vs Watford

9.00am Thursday (NZT)

Here’s the full Champions League draw, if you were wondering:

Okay now Man City with the chance to finally win a home game. Excluding a Champions League win over Barcelona, they haven’t won in Manchester since September. 1-1 vs Everton, 1-1 vs Southampton, 3-1 vs Barcelona, 1-1 vs Middlesbrough, 1-3 vs Chelsea and 1-1 vs Celtic. They now have two homers in a row. Alrighty then.

You wanna know what a tackle is, mate I’ll show you a tackle… oh no wait that sounds weird.

Pep seems to be pushing his ideas a little too far by now entirely ignoring the flanks of the field. Let’s just play in the centre third of it all. But… he picked three fullbacks and had one in midfield and two at centre back outside John Stones. It was bloody weird as hell, mate. To go from the pretty conservative ideas of Pellegrini to this is a lot to ask after six months of whatever. Jurgen Klopp got it right, he took his time and it’s only this season that you’re seeing that gegenpressing stuff we all expected of him.

Need I say it also suited Leicester beautifully by giving them a high line to play against with room at the back and a crowded midfield that they could lob the ball over. Next thing… 3-0 down after 20 minutes.

Watford looked sharp against Everton. Not a fan of that defence but they do enough and they’ve now got a fairly decent midfield – that game naming a trio of Capoue, Behrami and Guedioura. Then there’s the ever-dependable Troy Deeney carrying the load up front and hey have you met the two goal hero of last week Stefano Okaka? Italian international who signed in August, these being his first two goals for the club after an injury interrupted beginning. His twin sister is an international volleyballer for Italy. The dude is enormous, I agree with Mazzarri’s opinions:

Wally: “I’ve known him since he was very young and playing for Roma, he’s a great talent. We had the opportunity to sign him in the summer and we took it. He is perfect for the Premier League because he doesn’t only help himself but helps his team-mates to play well and score.”

Wildcard’s Pick: Man City 2-1

West Bromwich Albion vs Swansea City

9.00am Thursday (NZT)

Is that where he’s got to? Well at least he’s still playing football. I thought I saw Saido Berahino down at my indoor five-a-side league last week but I was pretty exhausted so it could have just been my eyes deceiving me. If he wants a run though, the next season starts in February.

WBA were great against Chelsea. Didn’t figure them out like I’d teased but they really caused them some trouble with what appeared to be a six-man central defence. Love ya, Pulis. I mean, criticise the Baggies if you will for being predictably defensive but we need teams like them. We need teams like West Brom so we can point our fingers and say: “THERE! That’s the bad guy!”

Also, they’re not even a defensive team anymore. They boss from set pieces and they’ve scored as many goals as Man United. It was only a classic bit of Diego Costa at his best that cost them a point against one of the form teams in Europe. With that and assuming they’re aware that you don’t give away free kicks near your box when you’re playing against Gylfi Sigurdsson I’d figure they grab another pesky win from this one.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 to West Brom

Stoke City vs Southampton

9.00am Thursday (NZT)

And now Charlie Austin is out for a few months. This Southampton team is absolutely desperate for goal scorers and until they have one they can rely upon they’re a bloody tough team to pick. Slip slip slip sliding down the table, sadly.

Ahhh but cometh the hour, cometh the man. Perhaps Sofiane Boufal can be the answer to the question that we’ve all been asking for a while…

I slept on Southampton’s striking needs a bit because I quite like both Austin and also Nathan Redmond but without the same attacking punch from wide with Sadio Mane not there they’ve not been creating hardly anything. Only Middlesbrough have scored fewer goals, so a sigh of relief for that defence. This from a team that takes the fifth most shots per game. There were a bunch of teams, damn near half the league, that needed a striker in the summer and most of them filled that role out.

• Hull – Nobody Interesting
• Leicester – Islam Slimani (4 goals)
• West Ham – Nobody Interesting
• Swansea – Fernando Llorente (5 goals)
• Man United – Zlatan Ibrahimovic (8 goals)
• Stoke – Wilfried Bony (2 goals)
• Middlesbrough – Alvaro Negredo (3 goals)
• Southampton – Nobody Interesting
• Crystal Palace – Christian Benteke (8 goals)

Bony’s the least successful of the relevant guys there but to be fair he’s really helped the way that Stoke play by providing the fulcrum that they clearly needed. They have two home games this weekend and although they’re playing a couple half decent teams they ought to win at least one of them. How about this one? Nah, this one feels like a draw.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Crystal Palace vs Manchester United

9.00am Thursday (NZT)

Meanwhile over in the Europa League the two Premier League teams got very simple draws. Manchester United vs Saint-Etienne, the only interesting thing there being that Paul Pogba will be playing against his older brother, and Gent vs Spurs. Sweet as. The first knockout round of the Europas is always a little stretched, it’s not ‘til the next few rounds where the good teams start meeting each other. Anderlecht vs Zenit might be a good tie. Villarreal vs Roma too and maybe Borussia Monchengladbach vs Fiorentina. Also, with Sevilla finally making a Champions League knockout round, there’ll be a new Europa winner for the first time in three years.

Mkhi, Mkhi, Mkhi, Mkhi, Mkhi, MkhiTARYAN!

He sounds like a minor character from Game of Thrones but the dude can seriously play. Obviously Mourinho pissed him around during the start of the campaign but he’s looked so sharp the last week. Guts that he’s injured, although Jose says he could be back by Xmas so it’s not as bad as it coulda been. Anyway, Juan Mata comes in as a handy replacement in the short term. Still big worries about where the goals are coming from for United. A win against a top team eases a lot of the pressure though.

No Antonio Valencia, who’s been great this season, he’s suspended… but Phil Jones should be there again and he’s been outstanding since coming back into the team. Hell, he ain’t even been injured yet! Now, to say that Jonesy has never played like this would be a lie. He had a couple runs with Fergie and under Van Gaal the season before last he and Chris Smalling played the last two months together and were magnificent. But for a year and a half he’s barely played with injuries and it’s probably only a matter of time before he gets hurt again but for now he’s been a very crucial dude for United. Marcos Rojo could do to learn some of Jones’ newfound maturity in not diving in like a madman but Rojo’s their fifth choice defender thrust into being a regular so can’t really get too critical.

Crystal Palace have only won once with Yohan Cabaye in the team this Premier League season and it was a 3-2 win over Sunderland. 8 draws and 3 defeats. Andros Townsend has been a mess. Instead it’s Wilfried Zaha who has been their best player recently which even Man United fans would be happy to see given how things never turned out for Sir Alex Ferguson’s final signing. Unlike MUFC, Palace score heaps of goals but also conceded heaps as well. Whereas United’s last four games have provided seven goals all up, Palace’s last four have served up 21. That number is 32 stretching it back to their last six games. They are the only team to have both scored and conceded at least 22 goals and their numbers are at 27F/29A. They’re fifth in goals scored and somehow still have a -2 goal difference. This could be the time it all clicks for Man United up top, Zlatan sure enjoys lots of pesky shots at goal and Pogba enjoys a scattered midfield.

Wildcard’s Pick: 4-2 to MUFC

Tottenham Hotspur vs Hull City

9.00am Thursday (NZT)

Looky look, the new stadium’s slowly starting to grow from the ground…

By the time they host their first Premier League game in it, there’s a very solid chance that Hull City have been relegated and then promoted again. No worries for Spurs here. They’ve got Toby Alderweireld and Harry Kane back in the team together and with a bit more luck that MUFC game woulda been a 0-0. I can see them going on a run.

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-0 Spurs