Last Week: 4/8

Overall: 135/258

Manchester United vs Bournemouth

Sunday 1.30am (NZT)

That’s League Cup Champions Manchester United to you, amigo. First one in the bag for the Mourinho Era, can’t say it was all that convincing but the more clinical team always deserves it on the day. And how about Jesse Lingard at Wembley!? Barely scrapes into the team on a regular day (no worries there, he’s a squad player who’s well liked in the dressing room) but chuck him on England’s Spiritual Home of Football and he’s scored in each of his last three games there. All within a year as well.

So there’s not a lot to say here. Zlatan scored a beauty last time these two played and it was a cruisy win for Man United. This oughta be the same – with United still well in the run for… maybe as high as second but definitely top four (they’ll temporarily with a win here). The fixture congestion could be the death of them but they just polished off one tournament and any delayed Premier League games, well they’re delayed for the team they play as well.

Dammit Bournemouth, you’ve gotta get out of this slide. We’ve lost Leicester City as a joyful rebel, we need Bournemouth to stay around a little longer. They should be fine with the talent they have… it’s just, like… I can’t see them winning many games in a hurry. It all started when they blew a 3-0 lead against Arsenal too. Damn.

Bournemouth Remaining Fixtures:

• Man United (A)
• West Ham (H)
• Swansea (H)
• Southampton (A)
• Liverpool (A)
• Chelsea (H)
• Tottenham (A)
• Middlesbrough (H)
• Sunderland (A)
• Stoke (H)
• Burnley (H)
• Leicester (A)

Yeah… this might come all the way down to the last few weeks. It ain’t gonna be fun.

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-1 to MUFC

West Bromwich Albion vs Crystal Palace

Sunday 4.00am (NZT)

Forget the dramas and forget the rising tide of relegation that they’re still swimming against, Palace did the trick against Middlesbrough. They kept a clean sheet and they scraped that crucial goal for three valuable points. Big Sam will tell ya that’s all that matters.

Okay now remember the dramas and have a laugh at this. Thinking it was the Boro team bus, some crafty fans went and vandalised it to their own Palace likings… only for it to turn out that was their own team’s bus and they just scuffed it up. £40,000 worth of damage they reckon, haha. Oh but being Big Sam’s club, they still travelled in it to the game that day.

Probably lose to West Brom as well, right?

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 to WBA

Swansea City vs Burnley

Sunday 4.00am (NZT)

Repeating some valuable info: It’s now three wins from six for the Swans but the three defeats came against Arsenal, Man City and Chelsea. They also beat Liverpool so that’s a ruthless tough run of games and should they keep on beating teams they should beat… like this one, sorry Burnley… then they could be safe with weeks to spare. All you gotta do is beat the teams around you and you’ll do fine.

Full credit to Burnley for a draw away to Hull last week – only their second point away from home all season. I picked a Burnley win I think, so I was on the right track there (THIS IS FOOTBALL, NOT ALMOST!). Six more away games now for them and this is the first, the type of game which they’re surely targeting. Of course they can win in Wales, just as Swansea will back themselves to beat Burnley at home. Hence why these games are a lot of fun – we’ve got something at stake and the result could conceivably go in any direction.

For the record, the rest of Burnley’s away games are as such: Liverpool, Sunderland, Middlesbrough, Everton, Crystal Palace and Bournemouth… so that elusive first away victory could yet be on the cards or in the tea leaves. They can beat Sunderland, if they can’t then what are they even doing? Also if the team goes the whole season without a win away from home and Sean Dyche still gets Manager of the Year buzz then it can only be Football Men wanting to highlight the Englishman.

Leicester City also haven’t won an away PL game yet, their remaining lot reads: West Ham, Arsenal, Everton, Crystal Palace, West Brom and Manchester City. That’s… yeah that’s significantly tougher. Haha, that’s what you get for sacking Ranieri, ya mugs.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 to the Swans

Watford vs Southampton

Sunday 4.00am (NZT)

GABBIADINI!!! You better believe I signed him up for my fantasy team too. One last push towards not being completely terrible at that thing – although I forgot to change my team last week with all the postponements so I fear to see how that went.

Anyway, Gabbiadini. Hard to see him staying long at Southampton, if he can keep this form up then he’ll have suitors from all over Europe and beyond. For one thing it makes you wonder how he lingered away in Italy (he scored a few goals for Napoli, he wasn’t a nobody) while Graziano Pelle, a prior Saints striker and all, was missing penalties at the European Champs. Unless that’s a sign that this current run of form is not at all sustainable. Eh, I’m an optimist. Five goals in three games is good enough for me.

How come Southampton are able to call up youth dudes like Jack Stevens and they can come into the team and do a strong job while other, even better, clubs try the kids and it’s a hassle (Arsenal, for example)? Southampton have got a genuine team atmosphere that seems to cultivate players, otherwise they must just have a monopoly on all the good youngsters and that’s obviously not true.

Back to Gabbiadini… doesn’t he seem like a perfect fit for Liverpool? Sorry, shouldn’t have said that.

Gotta imagine the disappointment of Wembley defeat is a positive in some ways for the Saints. They lost and they should have won, that’s one thing. It’s also a blessing to know that they’re so close to the top teams and to trophies, so Watford coming in here as hosts with only two home defeats in their last 11 Prem games might wanna be careful. It’s the home form that’s gotten Watters on the path to comfort and Southampton are a bit trash on the road which complicates this. Goals are currency though, and Gabbiadini’s in my fantasy team. Chips all in, son.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 Southampton

Leicester City vs Hull City

Sunday 4.00am (NZT)

Snakes! The whole bloody lot of ya, nothing but snakes!

To be fair, they’re doomed either way, ain’t they? The players get relegated now and they sacked Ranieri for nothing but stay up and they’re SNAKES, DIRTY SNAKES! It’s just way too conspicuous when they put three goals past Liverpool all of a sudden, pretty much immediately after the sacking. And none of the players seem all that keen to deny they wanted him out, only to deny that they actively pushed him out. Pretty shameful, honestly. It’s such a disappointment how this ended up happening and the thing is I kinda still think they’ll get relegated.

Three big points against Liverpool, but the New Boss Bounce (which I’m not convinced is a real thing anyway) only lasts so long and the Reds are a team that are vulnerable at the moment. The result isn’t as big as it appears – Vardy dominated them last season too (okay – poor example. Every Leicester player dominated last season and haven’t repeated).

This will be the real test. Plenty do it once, can they do it again? Hell, that’s their whole season in a nutshell really – can they do it again? Hull City know what they’re doing these days and while their dearth of talent means that relegation is still a more than likely outcome, they don’t get beaten too easily most weeks anymore. Hull’s fate will probably be determined by a pleasing slate of home games remaining against Swansea, West Ham, Middlesbrough, Watford and Sunderland, but if they’re gonna keep their heads above water by the end of things then they also need to ideally not go giving away points to teams around them. Again though, I get the strong inkling that Leicester aren’t as resurgent as they think they are.

Bit funny after all that Richard III stuff that now the Foxes are bossed by a man named Shakespeare. Also of note is that a 1-0 win over Sevilla in two weeks would put them into the UCL quarters still. That’s not at all out of the question.

By the way if you’re keen for a laugh then Danny Simpson and Jamie Carragher have been serving it up on twitter recently…

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Stoke City vs Middlesbrough

Sunday 4.00am (NZT)

Yeah… this one’ll get buried in the afternoon slate for sure. There’s genuinely hardly anything to say here so let’s just pencil in the standard Middlesbrough prediction of a low scoring draw.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Liverpool vs Arsenal

Sunday 6.30am (NZT)

Okay, okay… but serious talk now. Rodgers had the use of a certain Luis Suarez and Jurgen Klopp is out there with Divock Origi trying to be the difference. Anyone casually tossing up their #KloppOut hashtags can honestly bugger off – Liverpool may be slumping but they’re in a much better place now than they were in the old days. If Klopp’s got an issue with his regime so far it’s that he’s taking too long to build the roots of it in the squad, presumably there’s the money to bring in the players that he needs but he prefers a bit of training and consistency so he’s taking that slow. Don’t worry, the squad will get its deserved reinforcements in the summer. Chelsea are running away with the league – Liverpool were never gonna challenge them. As for the top four, they’re still well in that race.

Also, who are Liverpool gonna get that’s any better? What, Claudio Ranieri? They’re lucky to have Klopp. If they sack him now then he’ll probably get the Arsenal job and stay there for 20 years. Man that was annoying, seeing and hearing these muppets argue that Klopp ‘doesn’t understand English football’ or that ‘he’s a fraud!’ Seeeeettle down, Jerries.

Tell you what though, it’ll be fun this week when they come up against Arsenal and the #WengerOut brigade. How about a swapsies of gaffers, keep everyone happy? Oh no sorry I forgot that Wenger’s gonna end up at Barcelona next season.

Truth here… why not? Barcelona pretty much copied his style of play back in the mid-00s and they signed half his flippin’ team as well. Mate, they may as well have coughed up the down payment on Emirates Stadium for all the money they sent Arsenal’s way. Now Luis Enrique is walking… why not Arsene? Get the hell away from the Arsenal buggers with short memories and go manage a club that wins stuff every year for a few runs before retiring. It’d be perfect… if Arsene seemed in any way willing to leave. He’s so entwined in this club, with every little aspect running through him, that prying him out will be a tough task. Might create some more local jobs though, that’s a positive.

As for the game itself, it’s getting to the point where it’s hard to imagine both of these sides making the Champions League now. Might be one or the other (or neither), making a game like this rather enormous. On the opening weekend it was Liverpool that won 4-3, holding off a late Gunners comeback at the Emirates, but that was an Arsenal team with central defence of Rob Holding and Calum Chambers so best not jump to conclusions. Nowadays the defensive worries are on the other side and following on from one of their darkest days in a while (the Bayern defeat) that means they must be due a big performance. Typical Arsenal and all.

The obligatory counter point is that Liverpool are great against the big teams. That’s nice.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 to Arsenal

Tottenham Hotspur vs Everton

Monday 2.30am (NZT)

The Toffees are taking a nine game unbeaten League streak into White Hart Lane, that’s a dangerous place to be flaunting such a thing. Like waving around a wad of cash downtown. Look out, Joe.

That was an irrelevant vid, but Spurs have a strong youtube channel. Full credit.

Okay so here’s one for you: Harry Kane has scored three hat-tricks in his last nine games. Two of those in the Premier League as well – 17 goals has him tied with Alexis Sanchez and Romelu Lukaku with Diego Costa one back and Zlatan Ibrahimovic another one back.

These are the two teams built up the old fashioned way through structure and smart transfers. Spurs had the Bale money but they don’t have the brand that the rest of the top six have while Everton are a step back from that, down largely to their mixed performances over the last few years. Both these clubs are on the verge which means that both are perennially trying not to fall back into the crowd. Obviously Spurs are better set than Everton… which is why they’ll beat them.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 to Spurs

Sunderland vs Manchester City

Monday 5.00am (NZT)

Maybe leave the car running there, Moyesy. You’ll probably wanna make a quick getaway after this one.

City are a massively flawed team. They’re lacking balance in the middle and they barely have a defence at all. Pep Guardiola is copping the blame but the previous regimes left him with an aging and stretched out squad so it’s hardly all his own fault. They aren’t gonna win the league and they are gonna take a few more frustrating defeats before this thing is out. However they also have the capability and the pure firepower to absolutely destroy some weak-ass teams and Sunderland are one of those.

For a while there, it looked like Sunderland might have a chance. But now every step forward they’ve made has been matched by every other team down the bottom and the best hope now is that the door doesn’t hit them on the arse too hard on their way out of the division. Sunderland will be back eventually, don’t worry. But flirt with relegation for like seven years in a row and you can hardly argue.

Wildcard’s Pick: 4-0 to City

West Ham United vs Chelsea

Tuesday 9.00am (NZT)

Close this thing out with some London derbying. Luckily for both teams, Harry Kane isn’t involved but there’s the chance that Andy Carroll will be, for what that’s worth.

When Chelsea are involved, the question is: do the other side have a chance? West Ham have a chance but it’s a slim one. The Hammers’ defence has seen steady improvements with Reid and Fonte there but the fullbacks (right back specifically) are a weakness. Their midfield probably can’t foot it with N’Golo Kante and the lads. Up top they’ve got some possibilities with their physicality and a bit of pace, two things which might give David Luiz and company some trouble. But getting the ball up there is the problem. Nah, too much of a gamble to give them anything here – just know that the West Ham of the early season are dead and this team is every bit a top half of the table side.

Speaking of London football…

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 Chelsea