Last Week: 6/10

Overall: 156/356

Norwich City vs Manchester United

11.45pm Saturday (NZT)

Man United’s Champions League hopes took a massive blow this week. Not so much in the draw with Leicester City – though that didn’t help in a match they mostly dominated – but with their arch-rivals City getting knocked out of the current edition by Real Madrid. More on that game later in the piece but City winning that thing and earning an extra spot for England might have been United’s best opportunity. Weird that, relying on the Noisy Neighbours. I s’pose you could say it was a win-win, as either City lose or Utd get back in the ol’ UCL. As it was, City lost.

So fourth place or Europa League it is then. Which is not great news for Norwich who also desperately need to win this. I don’t believe that they will – although they did shockingly win at Old Trafford earlier in the season.

I feel pretty stink for the Canaries. They really didn’t do too much wrong, it’s just not broken right. The thing is, that’s football. You cannot account for what strategies make for sustainable top flight footy, you can only do the best you can and hope you get to be Leicester City. Norwich have lost 20 games now this Premier League season. 10 of those have come by a single goal and most of those were games they felt they were right in. But then Danny Welbeck grabs a late winner, or Leonardo Ulloa, or Adam Lallana. When it keeps happening you wonder if it’s more than bad luck but watching them play it isn’t like they’re Aston Villa out there. Although they did lose to Aston Villa, which is enough to justify relegation in itself.

If there’s one area they really blew it in, it’s transfers. Nine of their starting XI that lost to Arsenal played in the Championship Playoff Final last season. The others were Ivo Pinto and Robbie Brady. Steven Naismith was a deal most people really commended but for whatever reason he hasn’t really settled and while Timm Klose looked to be the difference for their defence… until he was ruled out for the season. Dieumerci Mbokani has been decent but Patrick Bamford has had no more success than he did at Crystal Palace in his previous loan (God, what a wasted season for that lad, I just wanna see him get a chance). Matt Jarvis and Youssouf Mulumbu haven’t done enough. The rest of them have done even less. Transfers are hard to get right but you have to find a way. The best thing for them now to do is stay on track. Look at Burnley. Relegated despite some promising stuff last season, they resist the urge to sack the manager and make squad changes, keeping most of the side together, making a few clever additions (Andre Gray and Joey Barton especially) and now they’re on their way back up. Brilliant.

And now, the Fellaini Problem. How exactly he can justifiably be picked anymore in a top five team is beyond me. He is completely underskilled for a midfielder, solid enough in a tackle but he doesn’t cover that much ground and his ability on the ball is very average. The midfield is the heart of the team (well, this team maybe it’s the defence). He did decently last season but to see him running around and elbowing buggers while Morgan Schneiderlin and Ander Herrera are sitting on the bench is a travesty for football. Fellaini isn’t even that good in the air, you realise? He’s that tall but he rarely jumps so shorter defenders are out-leaping him and when he does get up there he’s so full of elbows that most refs just penalise him. Same should have happened against Robert Huth last game but no, Huth was pulling on his hair apparently. It’s all a mess, leave that stuff to West Brom.

“Shall I grab you by your hair? What is your reaction when I grab your hair? Your hair is shorter than Fellaini but when I do that, what are you doing then? It’s a reaction. Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations. They did it. They did it several times I think.” – Louis Van Gaal

I honestly have no response to this, other than to say I wish people didn’t keep asking him to defend his job so that we could have had more classic LVG moves like this.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 MUFC

Sunderland vs Chelsea

2.00am Sunday

Here is where the backlash begins. I know that Spurs copped a bit of that after that game earlier in the week but I thought the Chelsea team and their behaviour was something close to despicable.

To be fair, the entire game was a mess and by the end of things it was truly ugly. Not that I don’t enjoy an ugly game, but I did think talk that Mark Clattenburg had done a great job to let the game flow was overrated. There’s no way that Eric Dier should have still been on the field by the end, he could have been sent off twice. I get he can miss the Dembele eye-gauge, the Lamela trodding, the Costa batterings, the continually pestilence from both teams. I get that. But that one got out of hand. Again, I bloody loved the chaos but you know how it is.

That’s what can happen with the stakes that were there. Where I draw the line is with the shameful idea that this was a positive result for Chelsea. It started with players openly talking about how much they wanted Leicester to win over Spurs. Okay, local rivals, cool. But this isn’t a regular case of mid-table teams playing late spoilers. No, these were the DEFENDING CHAMPIONS. Chelsea are going to finish at least 20 points behind Leicester – probably closer to 30. Seeing them show the heart to fight back and draw that game after the way they so blatantly quit on their manager earlier in the season, that should have Chelsea fans in an absolute rage. Where was this six months ago!? Oh, you’re excited to see Eden Hazard back to playing as he did last season… no, he doesn’t get off the hook that easy. The drop off from winning PFA Player of the Year to this has been pathetic. The only person I’ve got any sympathy with is Guus Hiddink who never looked more like a substitute teacher than when the players all ended up in that melee. And somebody knocked him down. Once again, Chelsea player playing without accountability – things are going to get wild when Antonio Conte slams his fist down. As for the idea that Chelsea were doing it for Claudio, gimme a goddamn break. You sacked him a decade ago.

I hope Sunderland bloody pump them.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 to the Black Cats

West Ham United vs Swansea City

2.00am Sunday

West Ham are playing great football at the moment. Swansea weren’t really until they went and beat the Liverpool U18s on the weekend. Magnificent stuff but like… kids. Gotta think that the Hammers care a little more about this one, even without the small shot at the Champions League that still lingers, this is their second to last game at Upton Park and they really do care.

WHU Co-Chairman David Sullivan: “We are champions of London. If you do a league of all the five London teams when they’ve played each other, we are the champions of London.”

Big claim… and it’s actually true. West Ham have won four, drawn three and lost one of their eight games against London opposition. 15 points. Spurs only took 13 from their eight (four draws) while Arsenal only won one and it was against Crystal Palace. Chelsea are in the middle, Palace way down south.

Also, as I’ve recently discovered, it is pronounced Dimitri Pie-yet. PIE–YET. Not Pie-Yay, but Pie-yet. That will take me a little bit of time to get my head around.

Wildcard’s Pick: WHU 2-0

Crystal Palace vs Stoke City

2.00am Sunday

Lee Chung-Yong: “Pardew is very smart in training but he’s too hot tempered in matches, so he even forgets how many substitutes are left. He told me to warm up, then we used all three substitutes, so I sat on the bench again. Five minutes later, he told me to warm up again so I told him there was no substitutes left. He just said: ‘Oh, sorry’”

Oh Pards, you silly bugger.

This game has very little relevance at all. Don’t forget to bring some sunblock and a beach towel because the holidays are starting early.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Aston Villa vs Newcastle United

2.00am Sunday

I know Newcastle are poor away from home but really this is a genuine must win. At least it’ll sort them out nice and proper, because if you cannot beat Aston Villa with your very top flight existence on the line then frankly you don’t deserve to stay up anyway so no worries.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Newcastle

Bournemouth vs West Bromwich Albion

2.00am Sunday

And another one. I guess it’s just that time of the season. Nothing to play for, these games are either glorified training runs or free flowing exhibitions of pressure-less footy. One suspects that Tony Pulis don’t quite bend that way. I do sort of like what WBA are doing there but they’re at least three players short and if they could cash out on Saido Berahino and maybe let him go to Spurs (or, hey, why not Leicester?) then that’d probably be best for everyone. I, like everybody else, was excited for 17 year old Jonathan Leko. One to keep an eye on.

But I’d rather look at Bournemouth right now, especially in contrast to the Norwich stuff I wrote earlier. Whereas the Canaries struggled to hold on for draws and make the right transfers – although maybe we’d better be careful with that given it’s been announced they were fined £7.6m on their way up last season for FFP breaches.

The Cherries have money. This is 2016, Leicester City’s miracle was bankrolled by Thai dollars too. But they don’t have money like Manchesters City and United have money. They reinforced their club just as Watford and Norwich did but then they suffered the triple disaster of serious long term injuries to Max Gradel, Tyrone Mings and worst of all Callum Wilson. Most teams aren’t recovering from that – QPR got relegated despite Charlie Austin’s goals and Bournemouth didn’t even have that luxury. Yet somehow they snuck by – Benik Afobe was a crucial signing in January – and back to back wins over Chelsea and Man Utd got them just enough ahead of the curve that they’ve held on ‘til now, where Norwich’s latest loss ensures that the Cherries are safe for another season. It will be super difficult to build on this but then as they say, a fully fit Callum Wilson will be like a brand new signing. Incredibly the back four from their last game (Tommy Elphick, Charlie Daniels, Steve Cook and Simon Francis) all played for the club when they were down in League One. So did several others and their manager Eddie Howe was there then too.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Leicester City vs Everton

4.30am Sunday

Special Edition Captain Morgan!

There will be plenty more written in these pages about Leicester City in the coming days and weeks. So many great ideas and I don’t wanna spoil them here. I only wanna say how incredible this whole thing has been, how it is the single most unexpected and beloved thing I have ever seen in sports. And it’s all down to Claudio Ranieri and Richard III.

Now here are some party moments:

Oh, and spare a thought for Andy King, who has now won League One, the Championship and the Premier League all with the same team – the only guy to have played for the team since then (they were promoted back into the Champo in 2009*). King becomes the only player in the Premier League era with winner’s medals from the top three divisions. Also Ritchie De Laet, should things play out right for Middlesbrough this weekend, could win a Premier League and Championship winner’s medal in the same season, having moved to Boro on loan midseason.

*Also in that L1 season were names such as DJ Campbell, Tom Cleverley (on loan from Man Utd, 20 years old), Paul Dickov, Max Gradel (now of Bournemouth) and Aussie Patrick Kisnorbo, recently retired after a stint with Melbourne City. One of four Aussies in that side, also including Paul Henderson, James Wesolowski and Alex Cisak. Damn, and Tony Warner player there on loan during that season. He was rubbish at the Nix.

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-2, still celebrating in style

Tottenham Hotspur vs Southampton

12.30am Monday

Lads. Forget about the title, forget about all of that. All you have to focus on now is getting the three required points that you need to finish ahead of Arsenal and avoid St Totteringham’s Day for the first time in, oh I dunno, a generation or so.

I have a funny feeling that this might be a secretly great game. Spurs off of immense (but surely not unexpected) disappointment and with a pint to prove after the way they behaved in that game, while Southampton only went and beat Man City last time out, they can still definitely finish in the to six. Maybe next season they avoid the usual December slump and they could really string one together, for once they probably aren’t going to be raided for talent by the teams ahead of them, so that’ll be a welcome change. The only guy they may lose is Ronald Koeman if Everton start waving cheque books around. That’d be a travesty for the Saints but I’m not sold on it happening yet, there is still a twist or turn to come in that Martinez thing and Koeman may well decide he prefers this team to that one, especially if the Stones/Lukaku/Barkley rumours spark up again as they’re likely to do. Barkley held off talks on a new contract recently. Watch that space.

Wildcard’s Pick: 3-2 to Spurs

Manchester City vs Arsenal

3.00am Monday

Well now. The Champions League dream is over and thus the Manuel Pellegrini era is more or less done, barring the last couple of motions being gone through. But here’s the thing: there is serious doubt about what Pep Guardiola will inherit if they don’t win this game.

And it comes so soon after a disappointing loss in Madrid where at least they didn’t embarrass themselves, not at all. But it wasn’t great either. They were only ever a goal away from the final and they could barely get a shot on target. Sergio Aguero hasn’t had one of those in five UCL games now, how you can fail to find a solution to that dilemma and get your best player involved is a joke, really. Come on, I know David Silva wasn’t available but sort it out. Yaya Toure was a walking ghost:

They probably lost it when Vincent Kompany went off early. Makes you wonder why they haven’t come up with a contingency plan for that yet, he seems to carry the entire emotion of their team. So many old players in there, they absolutely need to get younger in basically every position and not to mention the lack of depth. How the richest team in the country can fall down that hole is basically inexcusable. I’ve gone into this before, they won the League and for about four years they didn’t make a decent transfer. This year they finally started addressing that but it’s too soon to see the results.

Of the four semi-finalists, a Madrid Derby in the final is the worst possible combination. Seriously, this Madrid team is not that good. They haven’t been tested enough and as for Atletico, their complete backs-to-the-wall approach is stunning to watch when they’re playing a Barcelona or even a Bayern Munich (that second leg…) but this will not be much of a game, I fear. Stupid.

Say City don’t recover from this and lose to Arsenal. They’re then on 64 points with one game left. Manchester United win out and they pass them. Say this game is a draw… Man Utd win out and they will catch them. City win this one and both City and Arsenal will be on 67 points. Meaning that they each need to win their last game or Man Utd win out and catch both of them. Imagine that! United finishing in third!

Arsenal’s remaining fixtures:

• Man City (A)
• Aston Villa (H)

Man City’s remaining fixtures:

• Arsenal (H)
• Swansea (A)

Man Utd’s remaining fixtures:

• Norwich (A)
• West Ham (A)
• Bournemouth (H)

Both Swansea and Aston Villa should be wins but then same goes for United and Norwich plus Bournemouth. West Ham midweek is their last challenge, a team going for the same thing and one that pushed them to a replay in the FA Cup. Most of it depends on how City respond to Madrid and whether Arsenal are ready for one more big game. You know what: Arsenal haven’t lost in their last five games against City. Their single meeting this season saw Theo and Ollie score in a 2-1 victory, Yaya pulling one back in the 82nd minute. Wow, that was not an indication of those players since then. And that was a game in which both Mathieu Flamini and Fabian Delph both started.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Liverpool vs Watford

3.00am Monday

I refuse to offer any logic or intuition on a Liverpool team that for all I know will be full of 14 year olds.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

BONUS MIDWEEK PREDICTIONS

(Because when else will I have the time?)

• West Ham 1-2 Man United
• Norwich 1-1 Watford
• Sunderland 1-1 Everton
• Liverpool 2-1 Chelse