Last Week: 5/10

Overall: 26/50

Manchester United vs Leicester City

11.30pm Saturday (NZT)

"We can say it's a little crisis because a club like Manchester United cannot lose three games." – Marouane Fellaini.

Oh no, son. Say whatever else you will in a post-match interview bro but don’t use that dirty word ‘crisis’. That’s the last thing anyone needs to be hearing after a third consecutive defeat, all in the space of eight days – a losing streak like Jose Mourinho hasn’t suffered since he was at Porto and even then two of those losses were Champions League games against Real Madrid.

(Also don’t call it a crisis when it’s your bloody fault you fuzzy-haired bag of elbows)

But then it’s only been one (very) bad week so jumping to psychosis already might be premature. Like, Liverpool are apparently having a great start to the season and they’re only one point ahead. The fact is that in this ruthlessly competitive competition, people need to keep the perspective that it’s a marathon not a sprint – although that clashes with the Immediate Reaction Brigade.

Putting on my Sir Alex trenchcoat here, I think they have to start playing Carrick and Schneiderlin. Forget what Fellaini offers in the air and as a physical presence, he isn’t disciplined enough to play that position in the middle and when Pogba’s got a free rein to get forward you need the other midfielder to be a holder and a controller. I don’t mind mixing and matching between Zlatan and Rashford because I think they each benefit from that (plus Rashford can play wider and still be effective meaning you can still play them together) and I’ll continue to defend Wayne Rooney’s value to the team… but maybe 90 minutes every game isn’t doing anyone any favours. Honestly, after playing 90 in the Northampton game I'm roughly 75% certain he's gonna be dropped to the bench for this one.

I’d fancy a 4-3-3 formation, which gives you two variables with that third mid: either a defensive or an attacking selection. Arrow up or down, as they say in Europe. That still leaves room for Rooney (up front as well) but the focal point of this team needs to be Paul Pogba now given the investment in him and I’m not only talking about the price tag. Right now they’ve got Rooney, Pogba and Ibrahimovic all in the team and they’re trying to build around this trio that’s never played together before. Might be a better idea to mix and match while they figure it out, give Juan Mata and Ander Herrera the chance to do what they do so well.

That point about the positioning/discipline of the midfielders? Here’s Watford’s winning goal. Juan Camilo Zuniga scored from about the penalty spot.

There’s clearly frustration in that squad already and reports are coming out now that Luke Shaw didn’t care for being publically blamed by Jose for his part in the first Watford goal. True, he pre-emptively rushed forward when Martial needed support first, but he’s also a 21 year old fullback coming off a broken leg – you expect him to be Roberto Carlos or something? You can compare Jose and Sir Alex’s mercilessness if you want but Fergie always defended his players publically.

Of course, the real story here is that somebody is leaking this info to the press and I’m not the only person to notice this either…

The Telegraph as well, funny that because they ran a very comprehensive piece on the in-house frustrations with Louis Van Gaal after he was sacked that absolutely wreaked of PR. There’s a mole in the Old Trafford dressing room, people.

Yeah, that’ll do.

Which begs the question… who is the bastard? Given that Wayne Rooney is continually mentioned, that probably means it wasn’t him although remember that it was Rooney and Carrick that allegedly confronted Van Gaal last season about his approach. Obviously Zlatan would just say what he feels without a press surrogate. Bastian Schweinsteiger would have motive, as might Carrick himself. They seem too nice to stoop to subterfuge though. Most likely it’s some random in the kitchen staff or a groundsman – close enough to hear and see, irrelevant enough away that nobody notices and far enough removed that they don’t feel like they’re doing anything sneaky. Either that or it’s Phil Jones. Remember him?

Things can change very quickly in football and a win here would have many forgetting a few of those other stinkers. It was only two weeks ago that this team was fancying themselves to beat City in the derby. Leicester are still a tough team to beat. It took Chelsea 120 minutes to do so in the EFL Cup and Arsenal couldn’t manage it at all. Liverpool did though, and Man Utd themselves have already beaten the Foxes once this season.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Liverpool vs Hull City

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

Maybe it’s just my inherent anti-Liverpool bias (please don’t murder me, Scousers – “calm down, calm down”) but I’m not quite buying the Liverpool = title contenders claim. I’m not even sure they’re the best team in Liverpool. It’s not that the wins over Arsenal and Chelsea weren’t great performances, more that the Burnley defeat lingers and anyway I expect them to perform well in big games (except for cup finals). It’s the banana peel games that they’re gonna drop way too many points in. Plus I reckon their defence still hasn’t been addressed properly, in fact I think that’s a serious issue. Why the hell is James Milner now their starting left back? Defence isn’t really Klopp’s specialty to be fair and there’s no Mats Hummels to help him out in this lot, so I shouldn’t be a dick about it. We want this team to be the one that chases 4-3 wins.

You know what, they should have bought Moussa Sissoko instead of Giorginio Wijnaldum. He’d have been magnificent for them. Wijnaldum is a fine player but Sissoko gives you more, ah… oomph. They were about the same price too.

Mate, and don’t even get me started on that wild fluke of a goal from Jordan Henderson. You have to at least admire a man who works as hard as he does, but it’d be easier for him if he didn’t run like ten year old Forrest Gump when he still had his leg braces on.

Anyway, Hull are falling back to earth now and Liverpool at Anfield could destroy them. What’s exciting is that Klopp’s beginning to get that heavy press going with these guys. It was always going to take a while. Hull are the kind of team that tries to limit their mistakes under Phelan but without much of a midfield there’s only so much pressure they’ll be able to handle.

Oh God, someone save the points!

Pet peeve: The amount of times I hear pundits and such say “Firminio”, I swear to God. Shut up, you muppets, if you can’t afford to do the simplest of tasks and learn how to pronounce a player’s name right. His problem is that he plays in the same team as Coutinho, and for some reason ex-footballers cannot differentiate between the two different sounds (-ino = eehno / -inho = eeniyo). Not that hard, makes all the difference between sounding like you know what you’re talking about or sounding like a xenophobic moron. And then there’s Saido Berahino, same bloody deal.

Wildcard’s Pick: Liverpool 3-0

Bournemouth vs Everton

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

If Liverpool are the second best team in their own city, it’s because of Everton. (Duh). They were already a decent attacking team and Koeman has gotten that defence in order, suddenly that has them rolling at full pace. They’re such a good team at the moment. Only three goals conceded in the league, which is fewer than every other team but for Spurs. Best Everton start since 1978.

The Toffees are good to watch too. They hold the ball well, they take shots and they work hard. Romelu Lukaku has hit form and fitness and Ross Barkley was superb bouncing back from a poor one in the previous game. Seamus Coleman, Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines are all healthy and playing on the regular again. There’s the core of the team under Martinez, but Koeman has made a fair few changes. His midfield has been Idrissa Gueye and Gareth Barry, with Bazza taking on an even bigger role when it seemed he was gonna take a step back at age 35. Ashley Williams fills out the defence with Maarten Stekelenburg between the sticks. Yannick Bolasie and Kevin Mirallas on the wings. It’s a dead set starting XI, and that consistency is difficult to maintain but is so helpful.

But… that might be their weakness. They don’t have a lot of depth behind that. James McCarthy and Tom Cleverley give them a bit of something in the middle, Aaron Lennon and Gerard Deulofeu offer a few alternatives going forward. Ramiro Funes Mori at the back. An injury to Lukaku, Barkley, Stekelenburg or a fullback though and everything looks a lot worse.

Oh and the other thing we’ve gotta remember about Everton is that if you look at the current table, the teams they’ve played are in third, tenth, twentieth, nineteenth and thirteenth. And they drew with Spurs, the third placers. I’m not gonna go through and work out the whole lot of them but I doubt there’s a club whose opposition have any fewer than Everton’s combined oppos’ 25 points. Actually, nope. I lied. The first team I looked at (because being in first makes them most likely) was Manchester City whose oppositions have 18 combined points and half of those come from Man Utd. Well, there’s hope for the rest of us all then.

Also, Everton made six changes to that starting XI midweek and were knocked out of the League Cup 2-0 by Norwich. What makes it better is that Steven Naismith scored the first goal. Hehe. Credit to the Toffee fans though, they even clapped for him.

Wildcard’s Pick: Everton 2-1

Swansea City vs Manchester City

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

Say sorry or I won’t play you. That’s a convenient excuse for Pep not to pick a guy he doesn’t even want to play in the first place, if only Bastian’s agent would do something like this for Jose.

What happened initially was that Yaya Toure’s agent, Dimitri Seluk, suggested that Pep didn’t have “the balls to say that he was wrong to humiliate a great player like Yaya” after leaving him out of their Champions League squad. Kinda makes you wonder why Yaya hadn’t already left when we could all see this was coming but okay. Now Pep’s suggesting Yaya’s on the outer because of the words of his agent. If Guardiola thought that ultimatum was gonna fly then, mate, it sure didn’t.

Seluk: “If Pep Guardiola wants a war, then he can have one.”

Ooooooooh.

More Seluk: “Guardiola wins a few games and thinks he’s king. I live in Europe so I can say what I like and Guardiola can’t stop me. I will apologise to Guardiola if he will apologise to Pellegrini for what he did to him. If you are a gentleman this just does not happen. He signed a new contract last year then he gets pushed out for Guardiola to come in. Pellegrini was a gentleman. Guardiola also needs to apologise to Joe Hart. It’s not right to come to England and then get rid of a few English players. Guardiola wants a new future for Yaya, for Hart, and they won’t be the last.”

So safe to say that Yaya Toure won’t be in the team to face Swansea. Kevin De Bruyne will though, and on current form he’s the best player in the Premier League and there’s daylight before the next joker. Kinda makes me think they won’t be missing Yaya. This is also Sergio Aguero’s first game back and he’s done nothing but score goals (and elbow West Ham players) since Pep took over. See, the reason Pep’s stuff here isn’t gonna influence the team on the park and Jose’s does is because Pep’s team is winning. Argh, Pep Pep Pep Pep Pep, shut up about bloody Pep.

Hmm maybe just one more, because here he is saying a naughty swear:

Ha!

Bit weird when these teams play twice in four days after the League Cup clash. Sucks for Swansea a lot more, they follow this game with a game against Liverpool and then a trip to Arsenal.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 3-1

Stoke City vs West Bromwich Albion

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

West Brom scored four goals in their game last week. Stoke City conceded four. What the hell is going on!?

Yeah… can’t really answer that one. Stoke are in chaos despite what looks like a solid enough team. Against Crystal Palace their XI read as such:

Gianelli Imbula on the bench too, I see he’s copping it a bit but he’s a player I reckon has a very high ceiling. As needs constant reiterating though, it takes time to settle in England. The pace of the game is like few other leagues, and combined with the physicality that’s no small task. That XI shouldn’t be the worst in the PL. It’s not top half in 2016 but it shouldn’t be lingering with a -11 goal difference after only five games. Might be a good idea to get Steve Bruce in there for his old teammate sooner rather than later.

West Brom were in a slump as well until they pummelled West Ham. That’s misleading though, the Hammers had all the ball and they somehow presumed to hand over a free goal for a ridiculous handball (badabing!) before more shockingly incompetent defending soon made it 4-0 early in the second half. Unless they draw some crazy level of confidence from that game they’re still the same old same old WBA. Tony Pulis takes charge of his 1000th game in management here and he does so against the team that he made his name at. This deserves to be recognised with gold and glitter.

That’s close enough. Time for some Pulis highlights:

Not to mention the time he turned up to manage them on the day his mother passed away, that one brought a tear to the eye. A genuine one as well, not the type his teams usually induce.

Wildcard’s Pick: A 0-0 draw is the only righteous way to celebrate the occasion

Sunderland vs Crystal Palace

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

Now that hardly bodes well. Add to that David Moyes’ own Scottish tones and they probably can’t understand him either.

By the way, van Aanholt was the subject of a viral vid last week where he was replaced in the starting line up about fifteen minutes before kick off and he hacked a ball away when he was told, not at all a happy chappy. Dumb thing was Moyes got Jason Denayer to go over and tell him when it was Denayer replacing him in the team. But as it turns out, van Aanholt had a thing with his heart that’d shown up on a medical and the FA only notified the club late that he shouldn’t really play. PVA is going around saying he’s fine, no big deal, but you’ve gotta say fair call on going with caution there. It was probably from a virus he’d been suffering with.

Crystal Palace are like West Brom. They scored four goals last week though it might have only been because they were playing Stoke. Andy Townsend though, can’t argue with that lad, he’s picked up where he finished off last season with Newcastle.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Sunderland - they're due

Middlesbrough vs Tottenham Hotspur

3.00am Sunday (NZT)

Spurs scored 69 Premier League goals last season. Here’s how they were dished out:

1. 25 – Harry Kane
2. 10 – Dele Alli
3. 6 – Christian Eriksen
4. 5 – Erik Lamela
5. 4 – Son Heung-Min
6. 4 – Tony Alderweireld
7. 3 or less – Everyone else

Now, take those 25 goals away for two months and what are you left with? This is going to be a serious challenge for Pochettino. In the same way that Everton this season are a starting XI that can’t bear too much change, Spurs were that last season. Mousa Dembele disappears and they collapse. This season the additions of guys like Victor Wanyama and Moussa Sissoko mean that they can rode through a few more troubles than before, however nothing about Vincent Janssen so far suggests he’s ready to carry the load. Although he’s big enough.

At their most potent last season they were built all around Kane and the idea was to get the ball to his feet and play from there. Usually that meant Harry turning and shooting but he also has a clever eye for a pass. The guy they need to step up now is the bloke that was most limited by the Kane focal point… because that focal point used to be him and that’s Christian Eriksen. The good news there is that he bagged a double in the League Cup just now. Spurs need to find goals from new areas and they need to do so with a far less mobile striker. Eriksen’s vision and creativity had better shine through if Kane’s ankle injury is gonna be anything other than the disaster it always fared to be – the injury that stopped them in their tracks.

Ordinarily this is a game Spurs should win. Dunno how that translates now, it’s hard to say because Poch might have some trick up his sleeve. Alli or Lamela at striker. A change in formation. Something like that. Boro’s unbeaten start ended abruptly with defeats to Palace and Everton. Each of those teams offers something that it’s hard to prepare for in the Championship and that’s a genuine target man who can also play with the ball at their feet. Spurs won’t have that. Karanka’s lads shape to be tough to break down. I’ll say they do, just to be on the safe side, however I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the Londoners drop points here.

Time for some Spursy positivity now. This lad’s name is Marcus Edwards. He’s 17 years old, English, and has his manager comparing him to a young Lionel Messi. An attacking midfielder, this kid is seriously talented. He made his first team debut in the 5-0 League Cup win over Gillingham (along with Michael Carter-Vickers, their centre back of the future – remember the names).

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Spurs

Arsenal vs Chelsea

5.30am Sunday (NZT)

Here’s the weekend’s headliner. Not just because of two very talented teams either but also because if you remember last season there were a few little situations that went on involving Diego Costa, who just happens to be playing very well at the moment. You might be surprised to know that the past nine times they’ve met in the league, Chelsea are undefeated with seven wins and two draws. You have to go back to October 2011 for a 5-3 Gunners win – Robin Van Persie scored a hatty and Juan Mata got the third for CFC.

This would be an ideal occasion to unravel Granit Xhaka for. Realistically, that won’t happen though. Probably the same for Lucas Perez and I also wonder if Wenger is game enough to start Olivier Giroud after he was sent off against PSG in the last big game he played. Chelsea’s defence has been prone to some silliness and David Luiz will be reprising his clown prince role there with John Terry hurt. We shouldn’t see much Cesc Fabregas, sadly, though it isn’t like this game needs too many more storylines.

The standard thing to say is that Arsenal always bottle it in these games. Chelsea just got a wake-up call against Liverpool and that leaves Arsenal in the wake of a revenge match. Against a team they cannot seem to ever beat (apart from that Community Shield game). The writing on the wall is in blue ink, surely?

Make sure the volume’s up for that “Hherrrghh!” sound. What a mad man.

Big ol’ pat on the back for Nathaniel Chalobah. In the EFL Cup this week he finally made his first team debut for Chelsea… 11 years after he first joined the club. No big drama there, he’s only 21 so it’s not like he’s been sitting on the bench all that time but he is one of their top prospects and he’s been out on loan six different times already so yeah. About time.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-1

West Ham United vs Southampton

4.00am Monday (NZT)

Ever wanted to see inside a Premier League footy player’s house? Let Shane Long show you around his on Irish telly this week. Seems like a nice chap, he does.

It’s sure plenty less tacky than David Gold’s house, that’s for sure.

Speaking of homes, here’s West Ham’s old one being blown up:

There’s a bit more to that story, apparently they’re filming a movie there hence the controlled explosion. The film is called ‘Final Score’ and it stars Pierce Brosnan and Dave Bautista. The wiki entry on it describes the action as thus: “Michael Knox (Bautista) is an ex-soldier who must use all his military skills to save the 35,000 capacity crowd at a major sporting event, one of which is the daughter of his fallen comrade, when the stadium is suddenly seized by a group of heavily armed criminals demanding ransom.” They’re billing it as Die Hard in a footy ground.

The last time I remember someone filming a bigass budget film in a footy ground was when Sylvester Stallone took the cameras to Goodison Park for ‘Creed’. Now there was a good film, check that one out if you haven’t already. Ignore the Rocky franchising too because this one stands alone. Ryan Coogler + Michael B Jordan, they get it done.

Unlike the Hammers at the moment, say look at this thing over here:

Right now it seems the atmosphere at London Stadium is a bit poisonous right now as they work their way through the transition process into their new home. Southampton have taken a little while to get going this season but they might be starting to get there. Maybe, Claude Puel seems just a bit disconnected so far. Understandable, there are so many new managers and we won’t really know what they’re up to for a while yet.

The thing to remember about West Ham is that if they can cut out the horrific defending then they’re gonna score enough goals to win games on the regular. As bad as they did the last couple games they still aren’t that far from where they wanna be. The Hammers are now in the relegation zone (replacing Southampton who leapt above them last week) but Michail Antonio is tied top of the PL top scorer’s chart and Dimitri Payet, with only two starts, already has three assists which also tops the table. That’s ridiculous.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Burnley vs Watford

8.00am Tuesday (NZT)

It’s nice when they spare the abnormal kickoff times for the smaller clubs, although Watford at least have certainly earned this. Etienne Capoue scored AGAIN last week. The lad’s on a rampage. No goals at all last season and here he has four in five games - meanwhile Troy Deeney remains one of my absolute favourite players. Which seems like a fun way to finish this off, lemme name my Favourites XI. No criteria other than that I love them for some arbitrary reason.

GK – Jack Butland

DEF – Luke Shaw

DEF – Ashley Williams

DEF – Virgil Van Dijk

DEF – Winston Reid

MID – Riyad Mahrez

MID – Fernandinho

MID – Dimitri Payet

MID – Christian Eriksen

FOR – Zlatan Ibrahimovic

FOR – Troy Deeney

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1