Welcome, dear comrade. Perhaps you have walked these fabled halls before or perhaps this esteemed setting is completely new to you. It may be that you were invited, it may be that you have stumbled upon this place by accident. Either way, you are welcome. Not only welcome but you are embraced. Please, friend, pour yourself something smooth and take up a seat for you are now a member of something great.

You’re now a part of The Niche Cache Invitational.

League Code: 1217208-291646

Yeah, mate. Fantasy Premier League is back for another season and it’s time to whip the old league up once more. If you’re reading this, if you’re familiar with TNC and what we do, then you’re officially implored to whack the code on in and join the movement. Let’s fill this thing out and keep it competitive. The only rule is that you’ve gotta have a snappy team name.

And to grease the squeaky wheels here, I figured it might be an idea to run through a bunch of things, just some friendly advice, on how to make sure that this season goes better than last one. Now, I’m perhaps not the best person to be soliciting for such counsel. My team was pathetic last time out, I don’t think I even made the top fifty in my own damn league. Here's the top ten just in case you're on it:

But that was last year and this is this year. Which leads me onto my first bit of advice:

KNOW YOUR MANAGERS

In other words, don’t be an idiot like me last time and assume that because Manchester United looked to have a strong team that it’d be a good idea to invest in their forwards. Specifically, for my sins, Wayne Rooney and Marcus Rashford. Think I had Mkhitaryan in there for a while too. Nah, this is Jose Mourinho we’re talking about and not only does he not rotate his players very well (which was nice if you had Zlatan, admittedly – or Romelu Lukaku this time around), he also sets his teams up not to lose. Despite what he may say. They don’t score a lot of goals. It was kinda a problem for them, in fact – drawing with dumb teams because they didn’t create enough.

Similarly Tony Pulis you can trust to set up a strong defence. Don’t go looking for West Brom attackers though just coz they’re cheap. Spurs, Chelsea and City were the three teams that really offered you something on both fronts. Middlesbrough were terrible but at least they kept a couple clean sheets and their defenders were cheap. That sort of thing. Be aware of Ronald Koeman’s work at Everton, he’s strengthened that defence heaps but will they score the goals without Lukaku? And let’s not assume Javier Hernandez will score buckets because of his reputation – he’s playing for West Ham and Slaven Bilic here.

A DEFENCE IS ONLY AS GOOD AS ITS WEAKEST LINK

But that weakest link is usually the cheapest so unless you’re talking about a Leighton Baines-esque set piece taker, sign that one. For example, Chelsea are likely to set up with Gary Cahill (6.5), Cesar Azpilicueta (6.5) and David Luiz (6.0) in their back three. Wait to see whether Antonio Rudiger or Andreas Christensen get many chances but Antonio Conte wasn’t much for rotation last term either. You’d be reckless to sign any of those defenders based on the likelihood of them scoring goals so you’re stocking up there on the basis of clean sheets. And any defender who plays sixty minutes gets the clean sheet points so may as well get David Luiz since he’s half a mill cheaper than the other two, right?

FANTASY FOOTY IS FORMATION-LESS FOOTY

Having said that, fullbacks who get forward are way more valuable for the extra chance of goals and assists so don’t be an amateur and assume you need to target any particular number of centre backs. You’re not filling a formation here, bro. Kyle Walker (6.5) was more expensive than Jan Vertonghen (6.0) or Toby Alderweireld (6.0) but he scored more points too thanks to six assists.

BEWARE OF THE TRANSFER WINDOW

Yeah but of course Walker just moved to Man City. Chances are he’ll play plenty of football there but they have also signed Danilo and Benjamin Mendy so with that complete overhaul of fullbacks we don’t entirely know what to expect. At least Spurs made it clear that Kieran Trippier will be a starter for them in Walker’s absence. Romelu Lukaku should boss his way around up top for United, Alvaro Morata for Chelsea and Alexandre Lacazette for Arsenal too. 

Those are big investments and they’ll get their chances. However it can take time to settle in and there are always some collateral damages sustained there. Will Marcus Rashford get the same opportunities, for example (eh, he didn’t get enough last season anyway, thanks Jose)? How will Olivier Giroud handle being benched (or sold, who knows at this point)? Important stuff to consider there and it’s best not to rely too much on players whose roles you don’t really know yet. There’s a good reason for that too…

NINETY MINUTE PLAYERS ARE FANTASY GOLD

The dudes who play week in week out are the ones you want in your team. If you can rely on Jerry Kickball to be starting in 90% of games playing up front and scoring a few goals then that’s the kind of player you can captain. Harry Kane, Alexis Sanchez, Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku and Kevin de Bruyne should all be in that category but don’t overlook the value in the lower teams too. Steve Cook of Bournemouth played every minute last season. So did Fraser Forster and Ben Foster for Southampton and WBA in goal. Players like Nathaniel Clyne, Craig Dawson, Gylfi Sigurdsson, Darren Fletcher… they’re all weekly regulars. Even now that Fletcher’s moved to Stoke nothing should change. Be aware of Gylfi’s status though – he’s a very high chance not to be at Swansea much longer and his value shrinks if he’s playing for Everton. There’ll be more competition for places and for those free kicks that he specialises in… and a free kick specialist isn’t gonna be as flashy when you’ve just sold your star target man.

THE WILDCARD IS YOUR FRIEND

And not only me either but the transfer wildcard too. If your team is trash after a month and you’re falling off the pace already, just use the wildcard. Don’t save it until it’s too late – think of all the points you’re dropping until then. Best fix that leak in the roof as soon as you notice it. The one trick there is knowing the difference between an underperforming team and a bad team. Harry Kane has been slow to score his first goal of the season the last two campaigns but that doesn’t mean you wanna sell him nice and early when you know he’s gonna find his touch soon enough. Sometimes players don’t score many points and that all banks up over a gameweek… but they might get you triple figures the week after so long as you don’t panic. Also, you get a second wildcard later on in the season so there is a second chance.

ARSENAL AREN’T IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Yeah, just wanted to remind you all of that. But it’s relevant that they’re gonna be playing some tricky Thursday night matches in the Europas, which could lead to some tired players if not some rested players. Plus there are five English teams in the Champions League this time. That might not be as relevant because most of those teams have good depth in their squads and you expect a certain amount of rotation from the likes of Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp anyway.

DEFENSIVE MIDFIELDERS ARE TRASH

Sure, they’re crucial in the real game but this here is the fantasy game. Middies only get one point for a clean sheet and those defensive mids usually cancel that out with yellow cards anyway. If they’re not gonna score goals for you then don’t bloody bother.

MOST TEAMS ONLY PLAY ONE STRIKER

Or if they play two then one of them, such as Leicester’s Shinji Okazaki, plays in behind the other one and doesn’t really score many goals. Keep that in mind when picking your team – goals are your greatest currency and you don’t wanna be picking secondary options in your primary scoring position. There’s a reason strikers cost the most… imagine playing FPL in the 90s when everyone had two strikers. Cole or Yorke? Fowler or Collymore? Shearer or Sutton?

THE MID-SEASON IS WHERE CHAMPIONSHIPS ARE WON

Mostly because that’s about when everyone realises how beyond salvation their terrible teams are and they stop updating them, allowing filthy rust to grow all over their point-less mistakes.

WITTY TEAM NAMES ARE GOLDEN

Goes without saying, really. The value of a league isn’t how strong the players are but how good their team names are. The Niche Cache Invitational is traditionally right up there.

KNOW YOUR GOALIES

There are five keepers priced at 5.5 and none higher. Petr Cech, Thibaut Courtois, Ederson, David de Gea and Hugo Lloris. Frankly, you can’t go wrong with three outta five there. Cech is a slight gamble with the defence in front of him and Ederson we don’t really know much of yet but given what Pep asks of his goalies maybe don’t waste a spot on him when there are so many great attacking players at City to sign.

Elsewhere (and when goalies are as cheap as they are you may as well get two starters so you can have the option of rotating) Fraser Forster and Jack Butland are usually quality. Keepers like Kasper Schmeichel and Asmir Begovic are enticing but don’t get fooled – those defences aren’t keeping too many clean sheets, mate. Jordan Pickford at Everton however? Strong defence and he might even give you a little of this...

CHECK THE DAMN WARNINGS

Those red and yellow exclamation marks by players? Essential. Last thing you want is to miss the headline that says so-and-so has torn a hamstring and will miss the next however much time and then you forget to transfer them out while they lose value with every passing day. Speaking of which…

SET YOUR TEAM EARLY IN THE WEEK

The trick is in balancing whatever news might come through the days, maybe an injury in European competition or something. But if you’re gonna sell a long-term injured player for example then sell them quick because their price fluctuations are based on the net buys/sells of that player and if they’re injured then you can guarantee that price is slipping down. Last thing you need is to be 0.1 short of being able to sign Harry Kane because you waited too long to get rid of Romelu Lukaku or whoever.

TO STACK THE BENCH OR NOT TO STACK THE BENCH?

Unless you’re playing a smaller league with the new draft system, this is a major debate. Do you spare some more coin for your starters by buying a couple completely cheap subs or do you try keep some semblance of strength on the bench so that you have options come setting your squad in case of injuries or form? Yeah, umm… I normally try to keep some value on the bench but that’s just me. I’m not even that good at this, it’s up to you.

DEFENDERS WHO SCORE GOALS

Here are the best of them from last season:

• James Milner (LIV) – 7
• Gary Cahill (CHE) – 6
• Marcos Alonso (CHE) – 6
• Gareth McAuley (WBA) – 6
• Patrick van Aanholt (CRY) – 5
• Charlie Daniels (BOU) – 4
• Seamus Coleman (EVE) – 4
• Alfie Mawson (SWA) – 4
• Craig Dawson (WBA) – 4

Note that West Brom have two guys on the list, they sure know how to target a set piece. Chelsea too with Alonso getting forward and Cahill winning them headers. James Milner is classed as a defender this season and that’s some serious value – he takes penalties and gets clean sheets. Alfie Mawson’s an interesting one if Swansea get some early form because he only really played the last half of the season as a first choice defender. But… yeah, he’s from Swansea.

DON’T BOTHER WITH THE PROMOTED BATTLERS

Although to be fair there are some cheap players there who might even do a few things. In terms of trying to find the inefficiencies between cost and performance this is where you might get it. Either here or with new transfers of players in different positions (like Milner last term).

Newcastle look like the promoted team that oughta make the smoothest transition back into the top flight – they might even be targeting a top half finish if things really click. However Rafa Benitez hasn’t really had the investments in his squad that he was demanding yet while Brighton and especially Huddersfield, who otherwise seem likely to struggle, have really pumped some cash at their teams. Especially Huddersfield, who’ve broken their own transfer record multiple times already.

A few players to keep an eye on, maybe chuck on the watchlist:

• Jamaal Lascelles / Defender / Newcastle / 4.5
• Aaron Mooy / Midfielder / Huddersfield / 5.5
• Shane Duffy / Defender / Brighton / 4.5
• DeAndre Yedlin / Defender / Newcastle / 4.5
• Tom Ince / Midfielder / Huddersfield / 6.0
• Dwight Gayle / Forward / Newcastle / 6.5
• Anthony Knockaert / Midfielder / Brighton / 6.0
• Izzy Brown / Midfielder / Brighton / 5.5

AWAKEN THE SLEEPERS

On the topic of inefficiencies, every year there are dozens of sleepers who come into the season with minimal expectation or maybe with lots of expectation but minimal track record and you definitely wanna have one of them in your squad as their price soars by the week with their success. You can never really tell who’ll do what, this is all speculation, but let’s finish this with a few possibilities…

Wayne Rooney, right now, appears to be replacing Romelu Lukaku. With the midfield and defence behind him and if they don’t sign another striker that’s some exciting potential for a player priced at only 7.5.

Check out Stoke’s young Egyptian winger Ramadan Sobhi. You might not have heard of him because, you know he plays for Stoke… but this tricky winger has some serious ability and he should get more opportunities now that Marco Arnautovic has left for the Hammers. Only costs 5.0.

Also priced at a mere 5.0 is Wilfred Ndidi, Leicester City’s ‘New Kante’. Only arrived in January but still scored 59 points in less than half a season – thanks to a couple goals and three clean sheets. This dude is young and he boasts a walloping shot from distance. Don’t sleep.

Another Stoke player I’m curious about is striker Saido Berahino. Priced at 6.0 with stacks of potential but does he have the attitude to make it happen at Stoke? Benefit of the doubt says hell yeah given how toxic things got for him a West Brom – best to write that whole thing off.

Alfie Mawson (5.0) at Swansea I’ve already mentioned. His teammate Tammy Abraham is a curious one though. On loan from Chelsea and only priced at 5.5. Probably best to wait and see here since Fernando Llorente is the clear first choice in his position. Similarly if Dominic Solanke (5.0) gets a run at Liverpool he's very enticing.

Watford is stacked with sleepers. Left, right and flippin’ centre with all those vast and unheralded players they’ve accrued these last couple years. Special focus on the young English midfielders Will Hughes (5.0) and Nathaniel Chalobah (4.5) though, each of them are dead-set locks to play for their country one day.

He might not be a fantasy sleeper but Harry Maguire’s (5.0) swashbuckling defensive game coupled with Leicester City is a goddamn dream come true for the neutrals.

STAY ALERT, ESPECIALLY EARLY

That’s a short list of possible sleepers but it could be anyone, really. Take notice of who gets injured and who is likely to replace them and especially be aware of which players are overperforming and if you think they can repeat that all season. The people who got on the Vardy/Mahrez bandwagon quickest two seasons back were the real winners. Your team is always a fluid thing. Keep your ear to the ground and let it evolve.

DON’T HAVE FUN

If you want fun, then go kick a ball around at the park. This is Fantasy Football, matey. This is serious business. If your FPL team is bringing you joy and fulfilment then you’re either winning your league or you’re doing it wrong.

While you’re at it, if you wanna lend an additional hand of support to the Nichey Niche then slap an ad and we’ll love you for it.