The Doc

The first episode aye, it was probably thought that we'd see a whole lot of action to get us underway but the season opener served as a reminder to myself as to why I love this show. There was a lot to catch up and a few semi-loose ends to tie up so for all of you dummies who want violence and sex, be patient.

The way Game Of Thrones juggles the many different characters and their plot lines is what I love, it's smooth and you get just enough to fill your boots before you see that character again. Had I seen any more of Cersei, I might have cried my afternoon away as she's just a shitty human being, isn't she? The episode started with a flashback to Cersei's youth, where she met with a witch who in typical witch fashion didn't have too many kind words to say about Cersei's future. I'm wary of Cersei, she wasn't too friendly with her lover/brother Jamie as they overlooked their father's corpse and the appearance of her cousin/former lover was a bit odd as well. 

While Cersei looks like a lady who is in a constant state of manic stress, despite her calm appearance, Margaery Tyrell appears in complete control. These two ladies are going to be competing for the number one diva spot in King's Landing and as a whole lot of drama goes on around them, their desire for power will be an interesting battle.

In the naughty North, we wished farewell to Mance, I just wished he would have bent that knee and accepted the offer. But I live on planet Earth where mercy is sometimes shown and you couldn't be sure that Stannis Baratheon would have played nicely. 

Be very scared of the creepy female partner of Stannis. She and her mystical ways have something intense coming up, I'm sure of it. Her penchant for fire might go well as the folk in the North try to fight off the Winter and the joy that it will bring. Jon Snow however is showing some serious diplomatic nous, even if he couldn't convince Mance to bow down. Snow is still the most important dude within close proximity to the wall.

Daenerys still has more issues than reasons to celebrate with her dragons scaring the shit out of her, while some mysterious murderers also doing damage. Daenerys does have a believer in Varys though, who can see positivity in her future and it would be very dumb of Tyrion not to follow Varys on his path to Daenerys. Looking too far ahead at the damage that Daenerys could do, as I did in the early seasons - "she's got fucking dragons!" - will be a flawed activity I reckon. Right at this minute, Daenerys has problems, serious problems and she must still somehow find a way to look after her own backyard.

The Wildcard

Light or darkness? Good or evil? True god or false?

Those are the choices, so says Red French Fire Woman, but in Westeros things are never so obvious. Light and darkness are pretty much the same thing, good and evil are indefinable and it seems like all the gods are equally true and false. It’s all so damn political.

And nothing changes in the new season. We start with a cold opening of little Cersei visiting a fortune teller who is typically crass and foreboding. So, good luck with that, lady, she pretty much told you all three of your kids are gonna die before you and everything else the old hag said was legit. And from the jump forward back to regular time, it doesn’t seem like familial relations are too flash between her and Brother Jaime either.

The next time you feel cramped in economy class, remember that Lord Tyrion crossed an ocean in a box, shovelling poo through the holes in the side (but seemingly well soused, at least). The poor fella’s all down on his luck which seems a little short-sighted (no pun intended, honestly) given how close he was to being executed last season, he even got to fulfil half the oedipal complex. Tyrion gets the first swear word of the season, the first glass of wine of the season and the first drunken vomit of the season (maybe of the whole series? Nah, surely not). Tween Cersei and her friend (book brag – I think it was a cousin?) get the first devious alliance of season five, but Tyrion and Varys get the best one (Stannis + Wildling Armies came close for bravado, but fail on technicality since it doesn’t seem like a go-er).  

Tyrion grilled Varys on his decision to help free him and for good reason. Saying he cares about the realm and wants a peaceful leader seems noble… far too noble. This is the guy who visited Ned Stark in the dungeons but it’s also the guy who speaks entirely in riddles and is never not plotting something. I believe him, but I don’t trust him. However Tyrion’s idea of a party bus (or nearest offer) to Dany’s island sounds like a trip, count me in.

Hey, but Sansa seems happier, doesn’t she? A little more bounce in the step, a little more colour in the cheeks. She’s even getting in on some of Baelish’s dirty tricks. No sightings of Arya this episode although we do get a check in with Podrick and Brienne, on the road again. Podrick, shockingly, was only the third worst squire on display this episode, (yeah, yeah - technically he’s not a squire). Young Lord Arryn and the kid-who-doesn’t-keep-his-shield-up on the wall are far more incompetent. Especially Young Lord Arryn, that guy’s a gust of wind away from cracking in half. Note to subtext-missing viewers: Littlefinger’s sending him away to squire to get him out of the picture for a while, probably in the hope that said gust of wind comes along.

What else have we got? Mance Rayder arranging his pride directly in front of his fall, though it seemed like there was more than meets the eye with that decision. Was he sacrificing himself to break the wildling alliance? It could also have something to do with Baby-Gate, soon to follow (book brag). Jon Snow did the merciful thing with an arrow which will only piss a few certain folk off. And why’s Red French Fire Lady so interested in his personal life?

Two not so healthy cameos for Mance Rayder and Tywin Lannister, one gets a couple nice scenes at least before getting put to the stake, while the other is surely up for a Golden Globe after his stunning portrayal of a corpse. Charles Dance, your talents know no limits. The cartoon eye stones were a chilling addition. Hopefully they got well paid for their single-episode narrative arcs this season.

To be honest, not much happened this episode, it certainly eased back into things. Dany’s having trouble with rebellions, same as last year. She’s blowing off steam with the guy from Orphan Black, same as last year (good show, go watch it). Jon Snow’s caught in a web of bureaucracy, same as last year. Sansa’s under the thumb and little finger of ol’ pervy pants, Arya’s missing, Lady Stoneheart is still the Tom Bombadil of the show and Cersei and Margaery are having some proper Mother-In-Law issues… all same as last year. If this is a chess game, then it was all pawns being positioned in episode one, but watch out for Tyrion and Varys. That pair is ready to slide right the hell under the radar, box or no box.

GoT Leaderboard

1. Jon Snow – For a guy who lives in chastity, braving freezing conditions for a near-hopeless cause, his hair is never a strand out of place.
2. Cersei Lannister – First scene of the new series, that’s always a good sign. Sure, her dad just died, but he was gonna marry her away again. Now she’s in control, this is gonna be brutal. Jaime’s already doubting himself.
3. Lord Varys – He has a penchant for aligning himself with the winning side, plus he’s definitely got something up those ample sleeves of his.
4. Stannis Baratheon – Can’t fault him for ambition, as always.
5. Margaery Tyrell-Lannister – “Perhaps.”
6. Daenerys Targaryen – Uh-oh, seems the dragons are heading into their stroppy teens. And one of them is missing, remember the last time that happened?
7. Fat Sam – Such a renowned warrior, he doesn’t even need to train anymore.
8. Tyrion Lannister – Back to being a drunken wreck (this time sans whores) but he’s also handcuffed to Varys now. Once he lightens up he’ll be a force.
9. Tommen Lannister – Mummy, wifey or kingdom? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
10. Loras Tyrell – No more living and loving in secret, good for him.