Diggity Doc:

Booyakasha, we have scary blue-eyed creeps. 

It's like we've waiting years to see these horrible creatures, formerly lovely folk like Jon Snow, bring the motherfuckin' ruckus and they did just that. I'll let the Wildcard explain a few things, most notably that heart-stopping moment when Jon's sword didn't smash into a billion pieces, but the ending of the battle and the episode was equally as chilling as all the violence before it.

In scenes like that, I try to put myself in the shoes of one of those people. Noticing the barking dogs -  always a sign that shit's about to hit the fan, hearing all those creeps coming, seeing the four horsemen up on the ridge, seeing creeps jumping/running off that ridge and seeing walls smashed down violently. Imagine that ... I immediately skip to the bit when it's time to run.

And run they did, by the skin of their teeth they drifted away. I assumed that these dead folk would be able to, not swim, but pose some sort of threat in the shallows so I was pleasently surprised when they couldn't. 

Then I imagined being Jon Snow, or one of the other dudes in that boat. Drifting away, not happy because you made it out alive, but terrified because you know what's coming. 

In theory, it should take evil-son-of-a-bitch and his creeps a while to get to the wall. They struck at the opportune moment and struck hefty blows but couldn't quite land the killer blow, so now they'll need to keep on trucking. It does raise the question of what's next for Snow and the Night's Watch; don't be surprised if we don't see too much more of them this season.

We now know that Winter is here and true evil is upon Westeros, not the semi-petty evil of Littlefinger, Ramsay Bolton or Cersei. We now know what Winter is bringing but there's still a lot happening in Westeros that will get most of the attention I reckon for the last two episodes.

Tyrion Lannister and Daenerys finally got to chew the fat and it hasn't left me much clearer, besides my views on this reflection of our real world in Game Of Thrones. Dany wants to destroy the wheel of general dumbness and egotistical money guzzlers and so do I.

But what now for Dany? Tyrion's playing it smart, why would he want to go back to Westeros? Whether Dany stays to enjoy what she has or decides on bigger and better things is the question and the answer is rather obvious, but we all know that the grass isn't always greener even if you've got some dragons.

I'm going to have to have a chat with the Wildcard about that leaderboard down the bottom because Sansa doesn't feature. I thought her presence, albeit brief, was very powerful. There she was telling Theon/Reek/Theon/Reek what was up and while Theon/Reek/Theon/Reek dropped a slick little bombshell, I saw it as Sansa stepping up to the plate a bit and taking some sort of control. If she hadn't done so, then maybe ol' Reeky boy may not have left the slither of hope that he did.

While Arya is learning her craft, which is cool but a rather boring journey, and Cersei sits in a prison cell awaiting word on her future, I'm the most excited about what's going to happen at Winterfell. The season is nearing an end and the Stannis has got his marching boots on, but there's so many variables; Sansa's situation, Ramsay the loose cannon, crazy fire lady + Shireen (Stannis' daughter), Roose Bolton's war tactics, Brienne lurking in the shadows just to name a few. 

There's a lot to this battle for Winterfell and after just getting a nice taster of warfare, albeit rather mystical warfare, we will hopefully see those Boltons get theirs.

Wildcard:

Winter has arrived, in all its icy fury.

Which is actually no great shock at all. In fact winter literally arrives on June 1 every single year in New Zealand. Luckily this year it brought us one hell of a Game of Thrones episode.

As is often the case, I had no idea what I was missing until it came along. THIS is why everyone loves this show. The devastating reveals, the perpetuating mythology. The kind of episode that stays with you for hours after the credits finish rolling and the screen goes black, that interrupts the rest of your life, that makes other tasks seem pointless. The kind of episode that draws you in so completely that it comes as a halting shock when you finally retract from the captivating screen and remember that you have your own life beyond this television show.

Maybe I’m overselling it (maybe?) but that was a brutal hour of TV, cheers HBO. Since season one episode one they’ve been teasing the coming of the undead and here they finally came. We know they seem to have some kind of leadership core, that they aren’t just chaotic. We know that they stole Crastor’s male babies and we know that they can be killed with dragonglass. And now we know just how easy it is for them to call new corpses into arising. It’s bloody ominous. Buuuut, a small note of extreme relevance… Jon Snow’s valyrian steel blade had the same effect as dragonglass. See, there’s always a silver lining!

Plus even if the wildlings were already sold on a unification of humanity (and giants), this battle reinforced it all. The tragic falling of Karsi the Wildling Chieftainess is pure storytelling. They built her up, made us sympathise with her and then killed her off in a heartbreaking way – unable to take up arms against White Walking children – all in one episode. In fact her story is basically the whole wildling arc in parable.

And how outstanding was the battle sequence!? The direction was superb and the CGI/effects immaculate. Better than the attack on Castle Black in my mind, which was probably the standard bearer ‘til now. That one had a very Helm’s Deep feel to it, but this one ramped the terror and despair up to new levels. Part of that is as a book reader, I knew that Stannis was on his way, but here I was as helpless as anyone. Castle Black was a final stand for an aging veteran, this was the first round of a heavyweight clash. And the White Walkers put the humans on the deck fast. Only the bell could save them. Sitting in their corner now, soon the second round will start and it's hard to see them rallying right now.

Here’s my main pondering from it all though. What are the White Walkers after? They probably aren’t out for power, not in the way that Cersei is. I doubt they’re working on moral principle like Stannis or religious principle like Melisandre or the Sparrows. Nor could it be an issue of birthright like Dany. Could it be that in this world of muddy ambiguity, we’ve finally found our first forces of pure evil?

Oh, and other stuff happened too, but it all seems so unimportant after what followed. Cersei’s trapped in a cell but won’t give up her final thread of dignity by confessing her sins. We didn’t go to Dorne at all, but we briefly checked in with Winterfell so Reek could make his own confession – that he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon. Which paves the way for an alliance with Sansa, perhaps?

Oyster Merchant Arya sorta looks like a young Rachel Weisz. And she’s gonna poison a scumbag so good for her. I wonder how their God of Death feels about the Walkers. Side note: I’d assumed Melisandre might be a great ally against them until that one dude just plain walked through fire. Who else has a valyrian steel blade? (Ans: Brienne and Tommen)

Also Tyrion and Dany finally spoke. It was incredible. He is a man full of good advice. Sounds like Varys might be back soon the way Tyrion built him up to Dany, though I thought he might’ve given Jorah a little more support. Still saved him from the chopping block at least.

I don’t think this is a new complaint for myself in these pages, but my least favourite part of every episode is the opening credits. Oh, but they’re so fantastic, what with all the animated map sequences and the iconic theme music! No. They’re still just opening credits, and there’s no goddamn reason why the credit for any show should ever exceed, like, 30 seconds max. Let alone A MINUTE FORTY FIVE EVERY SINGE BLOODY WEEK! The only salvation is that we live in these wonderful times where fast forwarding and skipping ahead are possible. But I still hate the opening on principle.

Remember how Thrones only came back like a couple weeks ago? Well, there are only two episodes left this season. And these people have a habit of jaw-dropping, mime-inducing madness in their penultimate hours. Good luck beating this one.

GoT Leaderboard

1. The Night’s King – Because let’s be honest, it’s his fight to lose at this stage. Unless he trips and falls on that abandoned pile of dragonglass in that burning hut, that is. (Last Week = NR)
2. Tyrion Lannister – Finally the imp again finds himself dining where the wine flows freely and this time he’s getting a bit of respect with his drink. (5)
3. Jon Snow – He’s still alive, so there’s that. (3)
4. Daenerys Targaryen – Tyrion Lannister on a free transfer. It’s a lot like when AC Milan released Andrea Pirlo and he signed for Juventus and went on to win a bunch of trophies with them. The Lannisters are more Liverpool than Milan, though. And the Targaryens are probably Manchester City. (7)
5. Ol’ Redbeard (aka Tormund) – He’s not a prisoner… he’s an ally. (NR)
6. Karsi the Wildling Chieftainess – Bugger. Was just getting to really like her and she gets Pet Semateried. Which, btw, is the most frightening book ever written. (NR)
7. Jorah Mormont – Still a complete badass (even when he cries) but with the shattered remains of what once was a heart in his chest. In another world he’d be a heroin addict. In this one he’s a gladiator slave with greyscale. (5)
8. Arya Stark – Oysters for sale! Get your oysters, fresh and cheap! Oysters for sale! (NR)
9. Cersei Lannister – Yeah, not her best week. In fact, almost certainly her worst (Purple Wedding aside, maybe). But given circumstances elsewhere, lady it could most definitely be worse. (NR)
10. Wun Wun the Giant – He calls it how it is. Gotta admire that. The fact that he can literally shrug off the forces of the undead is pretty handy too. (NR)