Diggity Doc:

"WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!?!?!?!?!!?"

Thanks Arya for summing all that up so nicely as you appeared to go blind, very nice of you.

That season finale, named 'Mother's Mercy' was a glorious whirlwind of really shitty situations that could push some over the edge, but the type of whirlwind that will have us all coming back for a bit more. When you think about how we touched on all the major characters and their relatively shitty situations in the space of an hour, you really do have to respect the craft at work, each storyline, each character's (who's alive) future is up in the air and it's beautiful.

Unfortunately we suffered a casualty in Jon Snow, who lay there with blood working its way over some snow. It's not really too surprising as that is what this show/book does: builds 'em up to cut 'em down and after seeing how many dirty looks Olly gave his former mentor, something was going to happen.

I was waiting for Snow's eye to turn blue, but that didn't happen, maybe...

That means that the future of the wall and Castle Black is now unknown, which isn't a great place to be with general evil approaching. I imagine that bloke who didn't like Snow too much will take over, but ya know, anyone but Jonny could be in charge and they'd be fucked.

It was a great way to kill someone though, hi 5's all round for the planning and execution of that trick play.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!?!?!?"

Ah, poor Arya, I really don't know what's happening love. It was great to see you finally shank someone that was on your list, but things don't look good for you m'dear.

I found myself wondering how those fighting for Stannis viewed his actions and reliance on airy-fairy magic to win wars, like, wouldn't you be a bit iffy on your leader if he was telling you about this fire stuff and burning his own daughter? Yeah, well that got answered pretty swiftly as a portion of his army, sell-swords nonetheless gapped the scene and his wife was left hanging from a tree. 

That wasn't a great start to Stannis' plan, but I loved the moment after all that happened when Stannis had to decide what was next - fuck it, let's go to war. 

Despite being flawed, I quite enjoyed Stannis and his increased role this season. It was a shame to see him go, he was a good man, kind of ... a good man, kind of, but not a good father.

Ramsay Bolton's showing that he's not just a one-hit/chop torturing machine, he can actually win battles and go on stealth missions; he's becoming the perfect fighter/boss. Of all the stories left un-tied, I'm most looking forward to seeing how Theon and Sansa get on after jumping off that wall. There didn't appear to be a trampoline or a nice big inflatable mattress there to aid their landing, unless my eyes betrayed me but you would assume that they survive.

Ramsay clearly won't be happy, which will be lovely.

And trust Brienne to miss the candle-lighting ceremony, dumb bitch.

Of all the stories and characters we saw, the poisoning of the rather attractive young Myrcella Lannister who was so understanding of her freaky parents, wasn't all that fun. Not compared to everything else that went on, but it does leave plenty of room for the Dorne story to get nasty next season. Will Jamie take his revenge? Will the Sand Snakes turn into an almighty force?

I wish Arya was a Sand Snake instead of whatever she is now.

Cersei's celebratory parade through her city had me conflicted; we all love to hate Cersei, but after watching that, I think I just love her. Was it the short hair? Or was it the way she took it all like a champ, in her stride, as best she could, showing that behind her evil bitchiness, there's some sort of fortitude.

If only we had a High Sparrow in real life, minus the religious ideals. Someone to keep those who sit upon a throne, thinking they are better than everyone else in check. Oh how'd I would love to throw poo at John Key's face, SHAME!, not keen to see him naked though.

Peep the crossover to real life though here, I said it earlier on in the season and it came to a climax in episode 10.

Could Cersei take what she has learned from all of this and become a better leader? I hope so, but then dragons and winter will come.

Let us all send a prayer to the sky, well those who semi-like Cersei anyway, that she doesn't end up as a science experiment on that creepy dude's bench. He was quick to help her out, like a little quick and it scared me. 

At least creepy dude has given us the saviour of the world, right?????????

Tyrion finally has what he has secretly wanted all along ... Varys! And a city to rule. Meereen is a city that is currently up shit's creek and I was worried for Tyrion, but happy for him at the same time but once Varys appeared, it was all joy. The time has come for Lord Tyrion, House Of Dwarfs, Champion Wine Drinker, Goon Guzzler to rule.

Who really knows how long Tyrion will get to rule, it looks like Dany will be out for a few weeks with an ACL issue, so Tyrion should get a good shot at being the boss. Dany, well Dany continues to find that well she has many things going for her, shit things still find a way to creep into her life. Yes, she's that friend.

But will the Dothraki play nicely? Will Dany bed one of them and win them all over!?

With Drogon burn them all? 

Or will White Walkers appear and remind us all how futile existence is?

Wildcard:

Aaaaand… there goes the last major Book Brag I had left in the tank. It was not a happy secret to keep.

Jon Snow, so often atop this season’s GoT Leaderboard (see below) and the last great hope for humanity, lying dead in a pool of his own blood. Killed by those he had led in a brutal mutiny. Et tu, Olly? (The little scumbag – you’re parents are dead, boy, deal with it. An eye for an eye ain’t bringing nobody back… (Hold that thought, actually)).

Yeah so anyway, another season finale and another Stark bites the dust. Gotta wonder what happens to the female viewership now after this, having already put up with Robb Stark’s death while Daenerys gets a dragon ride out of every little danger, Mr Ivy Heart-throb himself is gone. Ah, poor Jon. He knew nothing but he was good with a sword. Who gets his sword? Who fights off winter now? Who was the lad’s mother after all? What about all those fan theories?

Fair to say my mind’s been running on overdrive. Okay, Kit Harington says in an interview that he’s done with the show, he's said his farewells and been told he’s not coming back. That’s cool for him, but… wouldn’t you say that too if you were trying to keep a secret?

I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jonny Snowbags. There are a few theories, which book readers have been spouting for years now. One is that we’re gonna see Coldhand Snow. Either in a good way or a Fighting For The Dark Side As A Zombie way. Nobody wants that latter one. Another is that maybe he turns into a warg, the way Bran Stark (remember him!?) can transfer his spirit into his doggie. But I’m leaning heavily towards a third.

Here are the set ups. For one, they didn’t finish the job. He was left bleeding despite nobody showing up to break things apart. No cops or anything. If you’re gonna kill a bloke, you bloody well finish the job. Slice the bugger’s head off and burn the corpse. If anyone should know that lesson it’s a Night’s Watchman. And for narrative reasons that means even more, because it leaves a shred of hope. Not like when they killed Jon’s (supposed?) dad Ned and Joffrey put his head on a spike.

And more than that, how about Melisandre turning up right before it happened? One of the two known priests in the realm with the powers of the Red God or whatever his name is. The other being Thoros of Myr, who reanimated Beric Dondarrion seven times, once after The Hound killed him when Arya was with them and Gendry and jeez that feels like so long ago.

So, she has the potential to save him and she turns up right before that moment. Coincidence? Well how about when you add in the fact that she just lost her faith in Stannis Baratheon after convincing him to sacrifice his own daughter? Either she now doubts herself and her faith or she’s decided that she’d tied her mule to the wrong lamppost. She did give birth to a shadow demon that killed Renly, after all. Sidebar – If Renly had lived, he had the potential to be a fan favourite. Maybe not as destiny-entwined as the Starks but on par with someone like Tyrion. Guts. Too much power too soon.

Although to be fair, Stannis is living by the same rules as Jon for now, because we never saw Brienne* actually kill him. Which is very reminiscent of a scene in the book where she was on the other end. Might Stannis have shouted some word that saved his life (Book Brag)? He appeared pretty resigned to his fate. Hmm…

*How many damn vows has that woman sworn? And apparently she means to see out every one of them, even the ones that contradict the other ones.

Anyway, Melisandre is looking for a righteous king. Jon either has King of the North blood, or he has sacred older king’s blood. Again, hmm…

For now that only leaves Bran, Rickon, Sansa and Arya from the original Stark clan. Bran’s all good hanging out off-screen with the kiddies of the forest, Rickon’s been eaten by wolves for all we know, Sansa probably died in her Thelma & Louise suicide pact jump of the Winterfell walls with Reek/Theon and Arya, well she may as well become a football referee because she’s blind as a bat.

Arya’s cold blooded killing of Meryn The Paedophile was every bit as badass as it felt it’d be, but the scene itself was kinda weird. It felt like a dream sequence right up until she started paying the consequences. The face changing thing, for example… she stole the face from the cellar? Is that it? Didn’t realise she had those kinds of powers yet. Or maybe it's just that simple. Anyway, she’s blind now, which literally nobody who watches this show thinks will last (nor those who read the books either). Pass some test, prove she’s ready, and bingo vision-o.

To Dorne --> So that’s why we got the lil Bronn Poison Teaser. Of course, it was Chekov’s Toxin. The thing that not enough reviewers realise is that the people responsible for this show are smarter than us. You say: ‘Why did Ellaria kneel down and surrender so easily? That was weak writing.’ They say: ‘Just wait ‘til next week…’.

“Myrcella, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. Your mother and I… that is to say… me and your mother… we, umm… how can I put this…”

“It’s okay daddy, I already know that I’m a bastard child born of incest. A part of me always knew. And I’m fine with it, in fact I’m glad. I’m glad that you’re my daddy and that I’m marrying a pretty Spanish prince and that I’m going back home and my entire life is lovely!”

Game of Thrones is the reason that we can’t have nice things. The old adage ‘If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is’ must be scrawled in graffiti across the walls of the offices of both HBO and G.R.R. Martin Enterprises. Nobody on this show or in these books gets anything nice without either suffering for it first or suffering for it later. And nobody who actually is nice gets anything nice at all, only more suffering.

Even before Jorah’s extended glance at Daario you got the idea that he’d probably stab the bloke in the back (literally, of course) the first moment they’re alone. But the return of Varys was like that first night back in your own bed after you’ve been away for a while. Very comforting. I knew he’d be fine, so long as there were birds to whisper.

Best Unlikely Couplings of Season 5

1. Tyrion & Varys
2. Jaime & Bronn
3. Tyrion & Jorah
4. Brienne & Podrick
5. Jorah & Daario
6. Davos & Shireen
7. Sansa & Theon
8. Cersei & Qyburn
9. Olly & Alliser
10. Ramsay & His Dad

As for Dany, she seems to look like she thinks she’s in a lil trouble (no doubt Jorah & Daario stumble on that broach and jump to conclusions). Surrounded by a bunch of Dothraki, to me that appears as more of a blessing than a curse. Speak some Dothraki words of wisdom, mention Khal Drogo (“Oh, you were Drogo’s wife? No way, I went to primary school with Drogo, what a small world!”) and there’s a very handy ally right there. Probably enough ruthless men to secure Meereen and march onwards.

Cersei. Yeah, that was weird. They broke her enough to semi-confess, but she had to walk naked through the streets amongst the peasants she despises for contrition. Behind the camera, it says a lot about the quality of face-mapping technology these days that the long shots of her were more realistically not using a body double (which they absolutely did) than the close-ups in the haircutting scene. As for public shaming, let me say I’m against it. What a horrific thing to force a person through, the definition of cruel and unusual. But then speaking of horrific things… Qyburn’s Frankenstein’s Monster is about to dish out a devastating amount of retribution. Another example of bringing something back from the dead (if you haven’t guessed, it’s basically The Mountain as a zombie).

Cersei’s scenes are never my favourites, but that one was strangely compelling. It was just so… discordant? Like, the pious Nurse Ratchet marching her chanting “Shame” while the bodyguards with the marks on their foreheads leading the way… crossed with the absolute filth of the Flea Bottom natives. Seriously, it’s like she was being walked through the physical incarnation of twitter itself. The most vile, offensive things being shouted pretty much anonymously at a person they don’t even know for a crime they’ve heard zero evidence for. And a significant number of penises. Yep, twitter in a nutshell.

Ok, so we’ve now got around 40-45 weeks until season six starts airing… what are the odds we get a new book before then? Because otherwise we’re walking into uncharted territory and that’s a scary prospect with those White Walkers wandering around. Not to be one of ‘those people’, but Mr Martin… mate, I’ll read ‘em as fast as you can write ‘em, don’t worry about that one chief.

GoT Leaderboard

1. Tyrion Lannister – Mostly he talks… and drinks. But he’s survived so far. (Last week = 5)
2. Daenerys Targaryen – Don’t worry, a few more gym badges and that Drogon will start obeying you. Who’s the gym leader in Meereen? (2)
3. Fat Sam Tarly – At least he got out of there in the nick of time. Also, nobody thinks he won’t be a great master. (NA)
4. Cersei Lannister – The important thing is that she’s free now, and incredibly angry. Hell hath no fury… (NA)
5. Ramsay Bolton – Still a net gain despite losing his wife. Look at all the innocent people he got to slaughter. (NA)
6. Ellaria Sand – So thaaaaat’s what she was planning. Well played, but cold-hearted. (7)
7. Sansa Stark – For a while I thought she’d be able to climb down the wall and slide down the build-up of snow like Wendy Torrance in The Shining. Which would have been… pretty appropriate. (NA)
8. Arya/No-one – She crossed a name off her list at least. (6)
9. Theon – There we go, matey! Finally, he shows some guts, some spunk, some courage, some testi… oh, wait. (NA)
10. Brienne Of Tarth – A bit of justice for embattled Brienne. Maybe. Probably not (or surely they’d have shown it?). But the important thing is that she got to say her little bit in defence of Renly and clear her mind of any lingering guilt. (NA)
11. (Jon Snow – Look, I’m not ruling it out. (8))