Wildcard:

Well, that was certainly something, wasn’t it? The big battle that we’d been teased all season and there it was, a thrilling and suspenseful scrap between the mustered might of the Starks and big bad Ramsay Bolton. The Battle of the Bastards definitely lived up to the hype.

But… I dunno. Only the battle did. Everything else around it was a bit underwhelming to me. Maybe my esteemed medical professional colleague will disagree with this, but I actually preferred last week’s siege to this week’s. Riverrun lacked impetus but it came packed with a powerful emotional punch, while the Battle of the Bastards was only that. Technically it was as astounding as any action sequence in the history of television but for once a Game of Thrones power move lacked the underlying relevance that this show and these books have always provided. Okay, not always, but more often than not.

I hope this isn’t something we need to worry about and there’s a decent chance we have another book before the next series airs, but there’s a growing feeling in my bones that the further the show has digressed from the books, the more it’s suffering for that.

So, Jon tried to play mind games with the master of the mind game. Sansa had a good moan at him for not asking someone, such as herself, who knew the workings of Ramsay but maybe she ought to have said that earlier. And, while we're at it, were you not planning on mentioning Littlefinger's army either? Semi-crucial information, that. 

Anyway, she was right about Rickon. As much as they shouldn’t have given up on him, there was just no way that he was going to be allowed to live. Even if he’s been a stranger the last few seasons, he actually has a stronger claim to Winterfell than Jon or Sansa. Having said that, the way that Ramsay teased that out was more than a little risky. It’s telly so he was always going to kill him but realistically what if he’d missed? Dumbass. Hey but Rickon ruined that for himself by being such an amateur – run the bloody serpentine, mate! Zig and zag, don’t give him a straight course to aim for. Ramsay has to aim ahead to hit a moving target, so stop as soon as you hear the bow twang. Let it coast over your head and there ya go again.

As for Jon, what an idiot. He may be the most qualified knight of the lot of them but his performance in this battle was so weak. Until the Littlefinger Lads turned up, it was like watching Cristiano Ronaldo at the Euros. Easily the best on the field but constantly sulking and doing dumb things like trying to be the hero. For example, at what point was this a smart idea?

The answer was never. Stick to the plan you dickhead. He threw the entire strategy out by charging like an asshole, the second Rickon was hit, he should have scooped him up and taken him back behind his lines. Draw them in as you were supposed to. I get that Ramsay provoked him but that’s what Ramsay does and he was warned about it. Oh, and for the logic of the whole thing, I have no idea how Jon was even able to see what was going on there being as far away as he was. He didn’t have the benefit of cuts to close ups like we did, they must have been at least 200 metres apart. You reckon you could spot a face from this distance?

Here’s another angle.

The war itself then went about as you’d expect. The Starks put up a good fight but fought a bit recklessly against the archers before the cavalry came in and set things up. Then the spearmen encroached and it was game over, despite the odd scrap. Brilliantly filmed, it all was. When Jon was stuck beneath the piled bodies, the camera was all unsteady and the shots unfocused. You could barely see what was going on but you could feel Jon’s suffocation, his claustrophobia. Damn, it was squirming. I felt like I had to come up for air myself as it happened, but I couldn’t bare hit pause.

And some of the aerial shots were simply stunning. This episode is gonna win all sorts of technical emmys. Miguel Sapochnik directed the beauty, he also did Hardhomme which was the previous standard bearer for elaborate action sequences on this show. Jon Snow has a thing for surviving these dramatic fights, doesn’t he?

I preferred Hardhomme for the way that the scrap there really ramped up the story though. The Battle of the Bastards is perfectly made but the fight itself… what was the real point? As Jon says himself he’s fought worse, so why is he going through all this trouble and acting so impudently and stupidly along the way? It’s all fan service. Ramsay was a scumbag in the books (still is, in fact) but he wasn’t the epitome of pure evil that he was made out to be here and so with that they needed to kill him off in a fitting way. We didn’t get that. Jon acting swiftly enough to draw up a shield was his best moment of the ep (sort of like Ronaldo scoring the winning penalty in the Champions League final despite playing average for 120 minutes before that) and then he proceeded to punch the hell out of him. On and on, it was my favourite bit of the episode because it actually made me dislike Jon for a few seconds, until he saw Sansa and stopped. That utter lack of self-control was awful, a knight is supposed to fight with dignity but what drew me to that moment was that it was the only point in the 59 minutes when you felt the complexities of the situation.

Game of Thrones has never been about good versus evil, the incestuous twins are the show’s best love story, little Arya has been a killer for years now. The Hound did all those horrible things and now is potentially the moral core of the tale while greedy and prideful acts meet no worse fates than honourable and heroic ones. It’s all one big grey area, which is the best thing about it. The fantasy genre is boring because of the good/evil thing, it’s all predictable and the characters are depthless. Thrones is the opposite of that. It’s a complete inversion of all of that. For a few early episodes in season six it seemed they were going to start giving us a little more context for Ramsay, maybe even ask us to sympathise with him slightly. I wish they had – but instead they had him shooting arrows at a ten year old for kicks. Tyrion killed his father too, remember.

Predictably, with the battle seemingly lost, Littlefinger turned up. The spearmen were all exposed from behind and the Vale cavalry rolled through them like Gareth Bale through the Russian defence. Ramsay retreated to Winterfell but Wun-Wun smashed the door down and tanked about 40 arrows before finally falling. I swear I thought he was gonna utter: “… Snow…” as his last word but there was nothing. Same for Rickon too, they brought him back and I don’t think he said a single word all season. Not that we’ll miss him, to be honest he was as peripheral as they come. The story moves smoother without him.

Anyway, Snow smashed up Bolton’s face and Sansa watched as the dogs later chewed that face up. She looked away for a second, but turned to have another look. Another ruthless, disturbingly violent move by a Stark though this one was particularly earned. By the way, the theory that she might be pregnant by the bastard is ridiculous. That character wasn’t even Sansa in the books. Quick shout out to Sophie Turner, who’s acting job as Sansa this week was immaculate.

Now there’s the fallout of how to appease creepy Littlefinger, though presumably if Jon can unite the north then he can turn his focus even further north again – no silly charging of the Lannister’s fortresses like his brother. King’s Landing is bound to take this move personally but there are bigger problems to focus on for those buggers.

Umm… there was roughly 20 minutes of show time between the start of the battle and Littlefinger’s army arriving. I get the whole thing about suspense and arriving just in the nick of time but imagine if they’d been 20 minutes earlier. It’s not a lot to ask, just set the alarm for 7.10 instead of 7.30 and that’s that right there. The majestic Wun-Wun need not have died. Pour one out for Wun-Wun. He was the real MVP. (Although I swear the size ratios between the giant, the dragon and some of those other CGI characters changes by the scene – maybe that’s just me).

Of course, there was more than only Winterfell. They also swept up the crumbs of Meereen in a pretty satisfying way. Tyrion proved himself once more with a clever idea and Dany showed that her dragon taming days have paid off. Oh, and the Dothraki army sure helped as well with those Harpies literally slaughtering people at the gates. Add in the fireballs catapulted into the city for roughly 12 hours of siege (I’m basing that on Dany arriving at night and treating with the three masters at day), there might not be anyone left in Meereen to rule. Fine by me, it looks like Dany is finally heading home to Westeros. King’s Landing had better be ready.

That CGI budget is looking way bigger these days, this was miles better than the first time we saw Dany fly off on a dragon.

The whole Meereen thing, if it’s finally over, mostly sucked. In the book the core of it is Ser Barristan and they went and killed him for no bloody reason last season, albeit to incorporate Tyrion into the inner circle quicker. But I wouldn’t have minded all of Tyrion’s journey – especially the Griff/Young Griff stuff which makes me wonder if that’s ever on the cards for HBO because that stuff is rather important in the books. No Prince Quentin either, which was at least a different angle to that whole situation. Anyway, Theon and Yara turned up and now they’re all best friends, even if Tyrion hasn’t fully forgiven Theon for the dwarf jokes way back when. There’ll be more to come from Euron, you have to think, but just as with Arya I get the feeling we may not have to deal with Dany again until next season. The finale next week looks to be about the ramifications in Winterfell and the trials in King’s Landing.

Hey, whatever happened to the revolution in Dorne? What’s Sam doing with that special sword? Where is Varys these days? What’s the Night King been up to since we last saw him? So many questions, at least it looks like we’ll see Bran next week.

Ah, and Davos finally realised what happened to Shireen. I guess the showrunners read our reviews after all.

Diggity Doc

In just under 24 hours, I've endured a whirlwind of thoughts regarding 'The Battle Of The Bastards'. From Dany's dragons unleashing their best Charmander 'ember' attack on the Masters' fleet to Littlefinger and Sansa saving the day, this was an episode that could best be described as predictable. We all kinda knew what was coming and as the episode rolled on, everything that happened all felt a bit too easy. I dunno, I guess we've come to expect greater twists and turns or something.

Despite that, prior to this episode starting and during the episode, I could feel the energy within me bubbling. Nervousness, excitement and a readiness to look away for a brief moment to avoid a doggy biting a bloke's neck ... this episode still captured all of that in me and as predictable as it all was, I found myself knee deep in a spectacle unseen on telly before.

It's hard to be overly critical for a number of reasons. Two key reasons for me are that the battle of Winterfell and the one-sided dragon warfare at Meereen had been on the cards for the whole season, as well as being set up in the previous week. With Jon and Sansa teaming up, we knew that they'd face off against Ramsay and it was only last week that Dany popped up with her dragon ... those suckers didn't stand a chance against one dragon, let alone three.

There's not much wiggle room for the show in either of those two situations. Only so much could happen in either location with those characters, at least it looked awesome and that's the other reason to not be too critical. They went all-in on making this an extravaganza and when I witness such an extravaganza, I struggle to pick away at logistics or our greedy desire for more. Those are human instincts (fined tuned by a crazy modern world) and I'm thankful to GoT for making me push them to the back, in a strange way this was like a Buddhist teaching session as I reminded myself to stay in the moment.

Moments that I don't really want to enjoy too often again. 

What this episode did do was clear the schedule, get Winterfell and our need to see dragons out of the way. The Wildcard and I will look forward to next week's finale over the weekend so that's where I'll do the excited fanboy shit, just keep in mind that in this episode we were given little details that could foreshadow a finale that blows 'The Battle Of The Bastards' away. Tyrion felt the need set the scene about wildfire stored at King's Landing, Yara and Theon felt the need to blabble on about Euron's quest and for some reason Lady Mormont was the focus in shots like this...

We aren't short on storylines to explore in the finale and that's why we all love GoT as there's so much going on and it's all tied together in ways that we often predict with ease. Sometimes we are thrown curveballs though and I'm wondering if we will get a dramatic curveball next week.

One other reason I love GoT is that the show either reflects our actual reality, or it even offers some insight into what could go down in our world. If you're a close-minded bum, you should probably stop reading but if you don't mind a bit of free thinking and perhaps reason to wake up every morning in a world where we worry ourselves with celebrity, sugar and silly politicians far too much, read on...

The first quote came as Dany met with Yara and Theon. Powerful women has been a prominent theme in GoT this season especially, although I view that more as a theme of equality. The male characters (Jon, Tyrion etc) wouldn't be much without their female comrades (Dany, Sansa etc) and vice versa, it's not about who is more powerful but more about the women being just as powerful as the men. 

Ah, but that's not what concerns me here as that's common sense right? What Dany said as her punchline in this meeting intrigues me...

"Our fathers were evil men, all of us here. They left the world worse than they found it. We're not going to do that. We're going to leave the world better than we found it."

Apply that to our world and it rings true. Those before us, who lived in a time of immense change haven't really been too kind to Earth, nor have they left us in a world of harmony and what not. Look around us, shit is hitting the fan and I can't agree that any of this was caused by you or I as young folk. All the world's failings stem from people who left us with their shit-storm and without getting too preachy, it's up to us to have a general mindset of leaving the world better than we found it.

Shout out to Tupac and shout out to Kendrick Lamar. Lamar dropped a fabulous album named 'To Pimp A Butterfly' and the last track of this album 'Mortal Man' includes an interview Tupac did. Lamar pulled it from the vaults and graced the world with Tupac's wisdom. 

As Ramsay is sitting in that chair, tied up with hounds circling him, Sansa breaks it on down...

"You haven't fed them in seven days, you said that yourself"

"They're loyal beasts"

"They were, now they're starving"

People on this planet are hungry, perhaps they are starving. They were loyal beasts to those who fed them, people have followed blindly as loyal beasts but there's many people out there who are metaphorically (and literally) hungry, starving. 

At some point, people who are starving will switch from loyal beasts to people who are starving. At that same point, the folk who are well fed will lack that desperation and well...

GOT S06E09 Character Rankings

1. Daenerys Targaryen – Another grand moment of triumph for Dany, here’s hoping this one leads somewhere other than in a circle. Turns out dragons work best when not in chains.
2. Sansa Stark – Look, she got her castle back. Plus a little moment of revenge as well.
3. Wun-Wun the Giant – Excuse the endless football comparisons, but this was like Roy Keane in the 1999 Champions League semi, where he picked up a yellow that ruled him out of the final and still played the game of his life knowing he wouldn’t be there for the rewards.
4. Tormund Giantsbane – He bit Karstark’s ear off, that was psycho. Also, that sour goat’s milk ale sounds brutal.
5. Tyrion Lannister – The Queen’s right hand man. Not a bad place to be.
6. Yara Greyjoy – Here’s to the generational feminist uprising. Also, she never demands, but she’s up for anything really.
7. Jon Stark – Even if he’d died, Melisandre would have brought him back against his will. Poor dude, doomed to immortality until further notice.
8. Ser Davos – Another with a knack for surviving big battles. About to unleash hell on Melisandre as well, which is unsettling.
9. Littlefinger – Saved the day, but will he get what he wants?
10. Ramsay’s Dogs – Seven days without a meal, best make the most of this one.