The Wildcard:

Yo, forget about winter… war is coming. Big old sloppy war, mass casualties on all sides, plenty of short-sighted and aggressive politics… general chaos in other words. Meanwhile the impending seasonal shift stirs ever closer and while everyone else is caught up fighting for the follies of man the unstoppable goddess of nature is gonna wreak utter havoc upon ‘em all. Probably in the form of ice zombies.

Except for Davos, who’s the only bugger smart enough in the official season seven trailer to point out that it’s not really a huge deal which broken set of bones is sitting on the iron throne. That’s been an undercover theme of the entire series and you’d figure as we edge closer to the whole endgame that it’ll eventually come to a grand climax. This, however, looks like the complete-lack-of-calm before the storm.

Cersei has enemies. Far more enemies than she has kiddos, even if they were all still alive. Enemies to the East, enemies to the West, enemies to the South, enemies to the North… probably a few enemies in the middle too now you mention it, babe. Or did she blow them all up in green smoke? Can someone remind me where we’re up to, this jazz is getting a little too free-form for my liking – where are all the tight rhythms gone? (If Miles Davis were in GoT, he’d definitely be sitting on the iron throne by now, serenading Westeros into peace with his slick grooves and improvisations).

Okay, courtesy of Wikipedia, this is how it all finished: Cersei lit that wildfire and blew up the Great Sept but her bubba jumped out the window in grief. Arya killed another joker and left for home. Jon Snow is the King of the North again, guts for him given the history of that there title. Umm… Bran saw that vision of Lyanna Stark and Fat Sam made it to the great library where there’s a message that winter has come. Quick, put on a jacket. And Dany and Tyrion did some stuff, hooked up with the rebel ironborns and are sailing for Westeros with dragons and everything.

Honestly, some of that rings bells, some of that doesn’t. Good thing then that trailers and ‘Previously On…’s” are really good at reminding you what you need to be reminded of. Plus filling in a few blanks, of course, teasing at the excitement to come. For example here’s Arya on a horse. Where did she find this horse? Doesn’t that look curiously like El Northo de la Westeros? What’s the next move, still got a few suckers to wipe out from that list? Hmm and does this mean the travelling acting career is on hold for now?

For the most part though, this trailer sets up the three-way battle for power (plus a few stray unmentioned interests, naturally) that’s about to fire up in Westeros. The Lannisters vs The Starks vs The Targaryens. Thirty seconds on the Lannisters, twenty seconds on the Targaryens and then a quick squizz at the Starks. Then the trailer gets shifty with a bunch of sharp cuts and a rising pace getting the hype train chugging at some speed. They kinda breeze over the Tyrell/Sand Snake alliance that ended last season though – complete with a certain Varys, which suggests they might also be tied to the Targaryens, who knows?

Littlefinger to Sansa Stark: “Your father and brothers are gone yet here you stand. Last best hope against the coming storm.”

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! Stop talking, Littlefinger. Stop driving wedges into relationships with your weasel games. Although Sansa is the rightful Queen of the North, to be honest. There’s a brief clip in this trailer that appears to be Jon hurling a punch at Baelish, which is both promising and very ill-advised. Also, with Arya on the loose and Bran apparently heading back behind The Wall, perhaps there’s a family reunion on the cards. Let’s get real here: all the Starks have their own unique and extraordinary capabilities and they’re gonna need all of them to survive this tale.

Hey remember when this show used to be based on a book? Yeah, me neither. Those were such innocent days…

Season seven is cutting the deck. Only seven episodes – seven hours for season seven, good signs for all y’all who dig their numerology. Rumour is that season eight will be the last one and will consist of six episodes (though that’s not confirmed). That means the old Breaking Bad/Mad Men strategy is in force here, split the last season in half and reap the benefits.

Anyone else reckon they can guess whose arm this is? Bro, get some savlon on that bad boy.

Don’t forget the sexytime visions either, this is still Game of Thrones after all. We’ve got Grey Worm and Missandei (might need to get creative there, kids), Theon’s sister with… one of the Sand Snakes? Hard to tell but the get-up fits the bill. And… that’s it. Because “the great war is here” (have they caught up to the twentieth century already?) and this season is gonna be all about the killin’ and not the lovin’ by the looks of this trailer. Don’t they know that love is the only answer? Looks like Game of Thrones has never been more relevant.

Diggity Do-Da Mutha Fukiiin Doc:

What's the whole point of this if that blonde chick just rolls up with Dragons and wipes everyone out?

That's a fairly silly question, yet it's also a funky question as we head into this season of Game of Thrones. A simple scratching of the surface leaves you wondering how anyone is going to be able to defeat Daenerys' and her dragons, dig a little deeper though and, well, you're up to your neck in weird magic, legend and characters who we all know must be important... but haven't done important things just yet... but will do really important things soon enough.

Let's bypass those Dragons and Dany's massive army, which is a bit like ignoring the elephant in the room. Except we're moving our attention to another elephant in the room which is the incoming doom from the north. Off-season research had me salivating at the prospect of giant polar bears migrating south with the White Walkers - which is a decent option when pondering how to defeat dragons. 

Leadership and pure war-time ability are all extremely handy assets to have in this game of thrones. Fat Sam and Varys aren't overly athletic and I wouldn't be betting on them to get a first-round knockout of any opponent but when I try to narrow an endless list of thoughts down to, this thingy, I kept finding myself coming back to Sam and Varys. Both are linked to the major characters with Sammy boy striking a cosy relationship with Jon Stark, while Varys is basically the mantis for weaving through situations seamlessly, as well as offering immense value to who ever he speaks to.

Sam and Varys are what Littlefinger is trying to be.

As was hinted in the last season, Jon and Dany could be related and this would open all sorts of fun, bonding avenues for Sam and Varys.

Before Sam can really influence matters, he's going to have to deal with his pesky father from whom he snatched a sword made of Valyrian steal from and pissed off since he was born. Sam's babysitting ploy for his step-son, is to do a whole lot of research with baby Sam's mum/sister, Gilly. We got a little teaser of this research in images released by HBO, which show Gilly reading up on some ancient tales that involve Azor Ahai - who was as lit as a mofo last time a winter like this came. 

Sam isn't just a like-able chubby dude in a land full of dickheads, neither is Tyrian just a like-able midget. There is a hole to be plugged this season and that hole revolves around education; in keeping with my thoughts on previous seasons, this is one of many ideas that could be flipped into our world to reflect how silly we can be. While other major characters like say, Cersei, are out for blood, Sam is educating himself on what could actually be happening on a far more grand scale. 

This applies to the threat from the north, as well as the many mysteries of Westeros and beyond. Whether it's wildfire, Targaryen history, any of GoT's deities or simply how to shank a dragon, these mysteries hold the key to how this whole thing pans out and Sam has find himself in a position where he's the educated geezer. Sam will have the answers for Jon and anyone else who wants them, how Sam uses that power and deals with the pressure of that power will have me aroused throughout.

Sam is learning, Varys knows.

Varys knows a whole lot of shit that we don't know and as Dany dances her way to Westeros, Varys' knowledge holds great significance. It appears as though Varys has jumped on Dany's band-wagon because she's got dragons, yet that feels like a dangerous underestimation of Varys' mind, tactics and guile. The same can be said for Tyrion, who will end up riding a dragon methinks.

They're both smart and as Tyrion has done plenty of reading, Varys has moved around the various kingdoms, soaking up information like a sponge. Sam's research can be easily (nothing's 'easy' in GoT) linked to the threat from the north and I've got no idea as to how Varys will influence the shenanigans further south. Varys doesn't seem to have any great interest in ruling from the throne, he just likes to wave his power around by being a really smart dude who is better equipped to deal with the mysteries of the kingdoms than any other character. 

Mysteries of which there are many. 

That's why we're all hyped for this and to get excited about how massive Drogon is looking, doesn't do justice to the plethora of other characters who each finds themselves knee-deep in mystery. This season will bring hectic battle scenes that will undoubtedly draw in a crowd, though the subtle dribble of information regarding specific characters and how they then cross paths, influencing each other is where the joy sits.

I don't even know what to think of the youngest Stark children. 

One has taken having a third-eye to a whole nek level and the other is a trained assassin. Both are handy skills to have in such an environment and just as older folk neglect Earth's best interests, perhaps the key to GoT lies with the younger brigade.

We ain't got dragons but at least the Niche Cache has words. Support those words by hitting an ad, think of it like a tiny donation of Valyrian steel.