Oh what’s that, you were expecting a happy cutesy nostalgic Twin Peaks revival? You thought David Lynch was coming back to serve doughnuts and coffee and say hello to old friends? Nah mate, pretty sure if Lynchbags thought this was worth doing then it’s because he had more to say. This ain’t Fuller House or Joey over here - this is Twin Peaks 2017…

… and the first two hours were absolutely nothing like the thirty episodes that preceded it that half century ago. Apart from the Lodge stuff, sure. And a few familiar (but aged) faces scattered about the place, fed to us like sweet relief from the otherwise horrific tale we’d stumbled into.

It began with a flashback, “I’ll see you again in 25 years”. Well, she did. In fact it’s been a little more than 25 years but we’ll forgive the anachronistic inconsistency. Then a credits sequence and she’s a new one, scanning over the falls from above and still taking in that legendary prom-night image of Laura Palmer – presumably suggesting that her ghost will continue to linger over this story even after all the years that have passed. Which is cool because, like, they kinda dumped that haunted presence in season two when they really shouldn’t have.

Right so what have we got here? Buggered if I know but it doesn’t look a lot like Twin Peaks to me. At least not until the final five minutes where James rolls up with some kid at the roadhouse bar -which is packed by the way, business has been good this last quarter century – and Shelly spots him staring at her buddy, she’s there with three girlfriends. One thinks James looks a little funky but Shelly defends him, for some reason thinking that he’s cool and casually dropping that he was in a motorcycle accident. Okay then, last we saw of James he’d run away to clear his head or whatever. He was always a silly boy, that James.

Plus Ben and Jerry Horne are out there, still in old business. Ben is, at least – Jerry’s now trading in legal marijuana which feels like an appropriate direction for him. Lovin’ the new look, Jer.

We also get a glimpse of Doctor Jacoby getting a delivery of shovels (literal shovels), Sarah Palmer smoking the hell out of her lungs in the old house and watching violent nature shows, Andy and Lucy being their usual selves at the station and also some Hawk, who gets a message from the Log Lady (not looking too well, sadly – she died not long after filming her scenes). Something to do with Agent Cooper. Something to do with Hawk’s heritage.

But about two thirds of this episode happened completely outside of the familiar Twin Peaks. New York and South Dakota, mostly. There was a grizzly murder in the latter and a glass box in the other. Lots of time spent exploring each, not a whole lot happens that seems to have much relevance to the first two series other than that a long-haired Dale Cooper appears involved in some of it. It’s about the only answer we’re gifted at all: relative confirmation that the chap who smashed his skull on the mirror yelling “How’s Annie!?” and giggling maniacally to close season two was not Cooper but his demented doppelganger from the Black Lodge.  

Cool, I’d sorta guessed that anyway. The only question is whether DoppelCoop is also inhabited by BOB, though the mirror reflection from 1991 suggests that’s a hard yes, given how they identified him that way with ol’ Leland. Hey Leland shows up in the Lodge too, he tells Real Coop to find Laura… who had already shown up in a longer cameo, chatting up Coop before those famous red drapes as a… 43 year old? Think that adds up. But you’re dead, he says. I am dead… yet I live, she replies. Then she pulls her face off and there’s a blinding white light in her head. Man, this makes tryna figure out Game of Thrones scenarios feel like primary school maths.

I’m gonna ignore a lot of the Matthew Lillard stuff, it’s clearly setting up for something else and conclusions are best not jumped towards without all the necessary info. Such a David Lynch move, though, to pull the rug out and spend ages with these completely knew characters, some of whom don’t even survive the second episode, when we’re all sitting there like: I wonder if Bobby still has his hair, I wonder what Audrey looks like now. Not something he’s been averse to in his films either – Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive both completely shuffle the deck at midway points.

And it’s those post-Peaks films that all the new stuff seems to have more in common with than the show that it follows on from. The Fire Walk With Me film seems rather pertinent here too, Lynch has said as much himself. It’s funny and quirky like always but the darkness is so much darker now. Windom Earle is a muppet compared to The DoppelCoop 3000.

Not fully down with the body count here, especially not accompanied with explosive bullet wounds to the face either (or cheeky decapitations). This is… kinda scary. This is uncomfortable stuff. This is David Lynch going all the way out there, experimental as hell (even if some of the special effects are a little jarring). It’s only just dawning on me now that this isn’t gonna be a TV show at all, at least not as we know it - it’s an 18 hour David Lynch movie and his two and a half hour joints are usually insane enough on their own. Welcome, dear fellow viewers… TO THE BLACK LODGE!

Clues abound but answers are few – what we do know, however, is that Real Coop is stuck in the lodge and he cannot leave until DoppelCoop returns. And we know that because a talking electric tree told us so. Gotta figure that’s the immediate priority now and all the evil of DoppelCoop appears to be trying to prevent having to return. But… we don’t really know the rules here.

Also we do know that he tried to chat with Philip Jeffries which is enticing. Somehow DoppelCoop and Agent Bowie got acquainted over the years and it sounds like Jeffries tried to have DC whacked, Mafia style. Now, Log Lady died before David Bowie died but it’s already been put out there that Bowie passed before he could film his new scenes. Major Briggs’ name also comes up in passing there and that actor is also dead – dunno how they resolve those two situations but Mister Lynch you have my full faith.

Oh and there was that glass box. Yeah, this college lad’s being paid to watch it. Got a bunch of cameras rigged up filming it from all angles and a security guard out front. When a camera uses up its memory he takes out the card and slots it into a safe, replacing it as he goes. Constant surveillance, glass screen, empty attention, nothing happening… doesn’t it sound like a metaphor? The fella’s never seen anything in it but he sneaks his missus in there and a demon appears and does some horrible stuff. Guts, bro. Also that box has something to do with the Black Lodge because hey there’s Agent Cooper, popping up while the lad was out of the room. Quick, check the tape.

So many little moments, some will be red herrings and others will be big ol’ fish on the line the likes of which Pete Martell woulda adored. But we can trust old mate Cooper to point out which bits are relevant and which aren’t later on when he eventually escapes his purgatory. After 106 minutes of undivided attention and general confusion we cut to The Bang Bang Bar (still a terrible name) and it’s there that Twin Peaks 2017 finally seems to begin for real. Got that set up out of the way (I’m sure there’ll be pleeenty more of that coming) and here’s the briefest of rewards as The Chromatics play a new tune.

Nice to see the people of Twin Peaks out there supporting live music. Shelly has a daughter called Beckie and she’s dating Stephen but Shelly thinks he’s wrong for her. Is Bobby the dad? Which reminds me, did Leo ever escape his season two kerfuffle? Who’s the English bloke with the green glove that walks in with James? And who are Shelly’s mates all taking tequila shots there in the booth?

Ah yes, speaking of Lost Highway there’s Balthazar Getty shooting a finger pistol at Shelly from across the room. I almost thought that was Hodor behind him too for a sec.

Twin Peaks was always, at least in my mind, about a small town with small town relationships. There was murder and intrigue, there were police cases and shady business deals, there was supernatural morality at play too. But none of that worked much without the foundation of Twin Peaks: the town and the people. That was a lesson learned in season two. For most of the premier double-episode we’re staring at evil and darkness pursuing its mission, with brief interludes of comedic relief and much larger interludes of surreal WTF-ness. Then, for five minutes, we see the humanity again and it was beautiful. Yeah, you got me again, Lynchy.

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