But… but… but… they’ve been loving each other too long to stop now! And finally, after all those stops and starts 25 years ago (and probably a few more in between) Ed and Norma can finally live happily ever after. No more Nadine, she’s set Big Ed free. No more Norma’s Diners, she’s taking the buyout clause. All to the fitting stops and starts of Otis Redding.

So Twin Peaks does do fan service after all, and didn’t we bloody earn it? Of course, not so long after that scene early in Part 15 came another call to Hawk from Margaret ‘Log Lady’ Lanterman. The establishing shot of her cabin was enough of a give-away that this was a little more than her usual call. “Hawk, I’m dying.” – …and then she did. It’s a scene that’s even more heart-wrenching in the knowledge that Catherine Coulson, the actress, was herself in the late stages of her cancer diagnosis and wouldn’t live to see the show released.

Two little cries there, one happy and one sad.

Ah there’s suddenly so much going on now. Sarah Palmer’s killing buggers at the bar, Andy went to the lodge, Chad got locked up, James has a friend with a green glove and super strength, EvilCoop is getting up to all sorts, Dougie electrocuted himself, Chantal murdered the dude in the office, Steven might have killed himself, Audrey still hasn’t made it to The Roadhouse, that lady without eyes, the dude who drools and repeats stuff… going through all that would be pointless at this stage. This show defies simple recaps.

Let’s talk Bowie instead. EvilCoop strolls up to the convenience store – as in: the convenience store, the one from the atomic flashbacks – and demands to see Phillip Jeffries. A Woodsman takes him in, another takes him to Jeffries. They stroll through all sorts of open rooms and superimposed trees and eventually come out in some kinda sleazy strip motel – which reminds me eerily of the one that Richard Horne and Catherine Martell used to have their trysts at, although I guess they all look the same. Some weird-ass lady helps unlock the door and in walks Coop.

Now, at this point I’m sitting there staring like… are they gonna show Bowie? Is this the cameo from beyond the grave that I’ve been praying for? Eh, no. Not quite…

To be fair, I’ve always said my favourite Bowie tune was ‘I’m A Little Teapot’… well, either that or Golden Years. Or Young Americans. Or anything with Iggy Pop’s name on it.

Seriously though, what the hell was that!? Jeffries is a flippin’ overgrown teapot now? Or is he the smoke that emerges from it? Is he psychically trapped within it somehow? Is he a prisoner of the Black Lodge in the same way that Cooper was for so long? Did he escape from the teapot in 1989 only to be recaptured/return? But it sounds like he’s been out in the world doing stuff until very recently – he told whatshisname to kill Cooper. Too many questions. Only David Lynch would recast a character as an overgrown household object.

Obviously Audrey has something up with her. This is the third time we’ve seen her demanding a trip to The Roadhouse and finally they’re all the way to the door where she refused to put on her coat, though not without blaming it on Charlie. Whoever the hell Billy is remains a mystery (although I have a theory) because Audrey’s too shell shocked to leave the house for some reason. It’s a long way from 1990s Audrey but then it’s been a long time and most people are unrecognisable after that many years. The only thing we know for sure about her is that she was visited by EvilCoop at the hospital after her bank explosion thing and, as confirmed by the devil child himself, she’s the mother of Richard Horne. I mean, she had to be but now we know for certain.

One wonders how Audrey would react if she happened to come into contact with Cooper again…

That thing with Sarah Palmer confirms that she’s the little girl who had the bug crawl in her mouth, right? More pressing is the concern that the bug was always there from the beginning then. Did that have something to do with how BOB ended up in Leland? One of the toughest scenes in Fire Walk is that one at the dinner table where it’s implied that Sarah knew what was happening, was therefore complicit through her silence. The chain-smokin’, bloody-mary-drinkin’ widow looks like a victim but that might not be the case. Hey, she wasn’t too kind to Hawk when he came round the other week.

Steven: “When I see you come up… but I may not even see you there. I mean, gone. Where will I be? Will I be with the rhinoceros? The lightning in the bottle? Or will I be completely turquoise?”

Whatever that means. He killed himself, surely. He said he would, then the gun went off with nobody else around except Gertrude whimpering around the other side of the tree and she was too frightened to even look. I’m still in on the theory that whatever he’s involved in, Becky is way more involved and to blame than she lets on. By the way, that was co-creator Mark Frost with the cameo as the man walking the dog.

Right now the main questions are all about identity. Is Jeffries really a teapot, for example? Dougie caught an old showing of Sunset Boulevard on the telly and heard the name ‘Gordon Cole’ (one of the character, possibly the origin of the Lynch character’s name) and then went and stuck a fork in a light socket. Don’t try this at home kids. So… does that mean Dale’s back now? There are only three episodes left so we’re running out of time.

Another one: Who is Judy? Oh, we’re going to talk about Judy alright. Jeffries said that Cooper has met her… well Cooper met the chick with no eyes while he was in the Lodge. Jeffries has (probably) been to the Lodge as well. Which makes her Judy… maybe. And as for Billy who Audrey is trying to find, then the women in the booth (it’s always that same booth, aye?) were talking about a Billy. Plus they were the same names as in Audrey’s story. Tina and somebody else. There was something about Billy running into a window… what’s if Billy’s the drooling bugger in the jail cell? And what’s more is that his mimicry sounds a lot like Dougie’s tendency to repeat the last words people say to him. Did Billy go to the Lodge and get fried too? Might be a jump too far there, I get it.

Eventually the Las Vegas FBI are gonna get the right Dougie Jones (what up, Stan from Mad Men!). We also know that Diane and Janey are sisters and that more or less solidifies that EvilCoop connection (wonder if he’s told Dickie Boy the real story of his daddy in the car ride?). Dougie was created, they said. Somebody said. EvilCoop seemingly used him as a dummy to stay in the so-called real world. EvilCoop has a line on Diane, who was RealCoop’s secretary (?) and now Dougie’s married to her estranged sister.

Say, remember EvilCoop’s outrageous ability at arm wrestling? Imagine if there was a stereotypically English character (as in: ‘ello guv’nuh, how’s it ‘anging, yeah two bob righ’ up the mighty ‘ammers!) with a green glove that he can’t take off on his arm-wrestling hand which gives him immense strength to the point where he can kill a fellow with a single blow to the noggin’? Oh wait, there is one of those. Frankenfist, James’ mate. Hmm…

One more thing, Freddie (aka Frankenfist) told James that he was told where to get the glove by The Fireman, who is probably The Giant. So… The Giant is The Fireman. Before they just credited him as ???????. Which in the least implies that Freddie Frankenfist has those powers for good.

What’s if Jeffries got a doppelganger? He must have but it could be that Jeffries has been stuck in the teapot all along while EvilJeff has been plotting against EvilCoop all this time…

That’s enough for now. We’re not going to talk about Judy and we’re definitely not going to talk about the internet theory that Audrey is actually stuck in the wooden floor of The Roadhouse by that booth like how Josie died and entered the doorknob (…ghostwood…). We’re not going to talk about that theory at all.

As far as we know there are no people trapped in the ads on Niche Cache articles. But there are very small rewards for the publishers so give one a whack if you’ve got it in ya heart.