EPL Season Predictions
Who wins the title?
Senor Spectre - All biasness aside my early money is on the scum from across London, Chelsea. Mourinho has had a year to get back into the groove and it looks like they have bought splendidly in the summer. My former fave Cesc Fabregas is back in London, and if Diego Costa can stay fit he will be deadly. But if he goes down, there isn’t much behind him in terms of quality... Cough... Torres... Cough.
Mystery Doc - Chelsea are always a let down and Manchester City have had their fun which leaves Arsenal, Manchester United and the rest of the league. I honestly reckon it will be Arsenal thanks to a swift attacking force that should allow them some variety, which is what is needed through the long season. I wouldn't be surprised if United shocked a few folk either, but Arsenal for the ship.
Uncle Dysfunktional - I think it could be Chelsea’s year this season. Jose has had a season to bed in and see what he needs and he’s added that accordingly. They struggled for goals last season and they may have remedied that by bringing in Diego Costa although he does need to prove himself. Drogba returning is a weird one and I can’t imagine him having a massive impact but Jose obviously sees him as more useful than Eto’o. I also have a feeling we could see a better Torres this season, keep an eye on that. Obviously Man City will be up there with the quality in depth they have and Arsenal could well be dark horses with at least two more shrewd signings. Man Utd may find it a season too early to start competing for the title again and they’ll be more worried about getting back into the Champions League.
Widcard - At this tenuous positioning in the time/space continuum, I’m leaning towards Chelsea. They say Mourinho always does better in his second year, and he and ol’ buddy Abramo-Richie Rich have refined this squad to exactly what they want, offloading hairy deadwood and buying for strictly need. But I’m saying this all reluctantly and I’ll be happy to be proven wrong.
Champions League spots (in order)?
Senor Spectre - Clearly I think Chelsea will be first. I think second will be Arsenal. One or two more acquisitions before the deadline will inevitably strengthen the squad and allow them to push on all fronts. There is no reason they shouldn’t be up there, with a settled midfield and an attack that can now score through both pace and precision. City will be my go for third as they will struggle to back up like after they won a couple of years ago. No one likes the rich kids anyways. Surprisingly my pick for fourth is Man United. Because they were so average last year, they have no European football to worry about and thus should be good enough to focus on just the league. They still suck so if they miss out on the 4, I will be just as happy.
Mystery Doc - Arsenal, Chelsea, United and Liverpool. Somehow City slip out ... I'm not too sure how or why but they just do. Liverpool have a point to prove and I reckon their gonna rally together as under dogs and do some good things on the footy field. They'll go good without the off field distractions as well.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Chelsea, Arsenal, Man City, Man United. Van Gaal is a good manager and I think he can turn things around quickly at Old Trafford. I don’t think the title is within their reach but they’ll be a huge improvement on last season which won’t be good for Liverpool. After losing Suarez I think Liverpool really need to pull something out of the hat to replace him and so far it hasn’t happened. They have got a lot of players they need to fit in as well as having the added games of Champions League football. I think this is going to be a transition season for Liverpool so I don’t see them being as competitive as they were last season. Rodgers still hasn’t has Champions League experience and they are a team minus last season’s best player. They need a top striker to come in and he needs to be a 20 goals a season striker – and there isn’t many of those around. I think it will be Arsenal who have a season like Liverpool did last season. If they keep all their players fit (which is a big IF with Arsenal) then they should have a really good season. Signing Sanchez is a great move and their midfield looks brilliant as well as long as they add some defensive minded steel in there.
Wildcard - City have to be there given the depth of talent that they have. Arsenal seem confident and coming off of an FA Cup win, I think they finally have the belief to make a run of it for a complete 38 games. Alexis Sanchez is top stuff too. Fourth place I reckon Man Utd and Liverpool duking it out, with United getting there in the end. Not enough people (Brendan Rodgers first and foremost) are reacting to the enormous void that Luis Suarez has left at the Kop.
Which three are getting relegated?
Senor Spectre - Burnley to start with. I don’t know barely any of their players and from what I hear they are mud. I’m going with the people’s thoughts on that one. Aston Villa just stayed up last year, but I think they are in for another long year. If they bought back Ashley Young they would definitely go down. Lastly you can’t go past QPR. Normally rubbish and this year will be no different. Hope this race goes down to the wire though.
Mystery Doc - Hmm Hull, Burnley and maybe someone like Leicester only because they look like they'll pass up on Chris Wood. Not boys, we should all hate them.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Scum (Southampton), Leicester, and Burnley. There are quite a few clubs in the league this year that could go down. This time last season I was struggling to pick three because they all seemed quite strong but looking at the relegation scrap this season they are about six or seven teams that could easily go down. The reasons also vary from inexperienced managers, small squads, lack of quality, and too many changes. Scum have a depleted squad and haven’t brought in many replacements either. It’s strange because with the sales of Lambert, Lallana, Lovren, and Shaw they should have plenty of money to spend but they have had money issues. They have also lost last season’s manager Pochettino to Spurs and appointed Koeman who had no Premier League experience. It could change with a few good signings but it doesn’t look good for them, it’s wishful thinking on my part but I really hope they go down, dirty scummers. Leicester and Burnley have both just come up and they haven’t added too much to their squads since they don’t have the financial power that QPR have. Whether they beat the drop or not will basically depend if there are other teams that are worse than them, and that says it all.
Wildcard - Burnley look pants. Leicester too could have a very tough task on their hands. And while I think the likes of QPR, West Ham, Aston Villa and Crystal Palace might have their struggles, it’ll be West Brom to join them in the drop.
Surprise team
Senor Spectre - I think that Southampton won’t be as bad as everyone is suggesting. Sure they lost about half their squad, but I think they will punch above their weight like they always have. The other I think will be Spurs. They have been shit the last couple of years, so surely they’re due??
Mystery Doc - I got a feeling about Liverpool, everyone's writing them off because of the loss of Luis Suarez but I reckon they'll get in behind Brendon Rodgers and do something special. They won't be able to rely of some Suarez magic but if it helps them put a bit more energy in to their defence then that's hardly a bad thing. Daniel Sturridge, the front line is his and I reckon we'll see a more well rounded Liverpool side this season.
Uncle Dysfunktional - QPR and it’s mainly because of the Redknapp factor. He’s got something and you can’t deny it. He always manages to get teams playing good football and winning football matches, plus I’m sure he’s got some sort of guardian angel! He always lands on his feet! What manager who has just been promoted can boast that he has the budget to afford Rio Ferdinand’s wages!? It’s ludicrous! It’s debatable whether they’ll actually be a surprise team because their centre-back partnership alone is better than half the teams in the league with Rio and Caulker. They also have more money to spend but Redknapp is a caricature of himself and never breaks habit so expect all those signings to be done on transfer deadline day.
Wildcard - I like what Hull City could do after their Cup Final run, though the grind of midweek European footy could spoil that. Southampton could surprise too in how they respond to losing half their team and their coach. They’re deeper than many of us realise and the guys they lost, while important players, were mostly overrated. Watch Lallana struggle at Anfield this season.
First Manager sacked
Senor Spectre - Everyone’s money is on Big Allardyce, but I don’t know about that. I reckon it could be Alan Pardew if he does one more stupid act.
Mystery Doc - Louis Van Gaal. See ya later mate.
Uncle Dysfunktional - One of the promoted teams would be a good bet with Pearson of Leicester being one of my picks but it looks like Big Sam is on thin ice as well. Promoted teams like to dump their managers before Christmas when they get to the Premier League hoping to attract a bigger name now they’re in the big time. Irvine at West Brom is another manager who will need to start brightly having no previous managerial experience. Irvine has been promoted from the youth team to take first-team affairs and it’s a bizarre choice by the Baggies after sacking a successful Clarke last season to only go ahead and take another risk. It is inevitable that Big Sam will get the sack at West Ham though as they just don’t like him. Long ball doesn’t go down well in East London and even the chairmen say they want the style of football to change, if I was Big Sam I’d jump before I was pushed.
Wildcard - Not-so-humble brag, I got this one spot on last season with Paulo Di Canio. This time I’m casting my damning vote for Alan Irvine at West Brom. He’s not all that proven (though highly rated), and I think his lack of media reputation will count against him when West Brom fail to meet any unrealistic goals of top half football. Mark Hughes and Sam Allardyce too will be on tenterhooks if things don’t start with a bang.
Golden Boot
Senor Spectre - Romelu Lukaku. Finally got his move away from Stamford Bridge, we should see the best out of this guy. He is the focal point of the attack and I am sure he will show this year why Chelsea should have kept him. He’s big, he’s black, he leads the Toffee’s attack, Lukaku is back, Lukaku is back.
Mystery Doc - Olivier Giroud will enjoy the quality around him. He won't venture too far out of the box, he'll just do some nifty running off the ball to loose a defender and tap, tap, tap it in. With all the action around him he'll be the man to finish everything off.
Uncle Dysfunktional - This may surprise some people but I think it could be Wayne Rooney. Van Gaal has come in and introduced the 3-5-2 system which Rooney will love. For so long he has wanted to play upfront but has been placed behind the striker. This system allows him to play upfront and he will flourish with the added incentive of being club captain. Aguero won’t be far behind if he stays fit and Diego Costa will be a contender if he settles well and that’s a big if. We could also see a midfielder be up there as well with teams like Chelsea and Arsenal relying on goals from midfield. With this in mind we could see the likes of Ramsey and Hazard be regular scorers and even pip a striker to the golden boot.
Wildcard - Umm… Diego Costa given how Chelsea will rely on him, or maybe a resurgent Wayne Rooney or Romelu Lukaku? Sturridge? Giroud? Dzeko? I’m gonna lock in A, Chris. Diego Costa.
Player of the Year
Senor Spectre - Damnnn this is a toughie. I’m thinking Aaron Ramsey, but I’m probably mildly biased. He was so good last year until he got injured and he already looks back to where he left off so far this year. If not Ramsey, I could see a breakthrough season for Eden Hazard to jump up among the elite. With Fabregas at Chelsea, those two will be at the beginning of all things good for them.
Mystery Doc - Wayne Rooney, the lad is in for a big one. A fresh start with a new United manager and an opportunity to put United on his back. He's got this work rate which matches his classy touches as well as a goal scoring ability which will ensure he's in everything awesome that United do.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Ramsey is turning into a world-class player and Arsenal missed him massively last season when he was out, if he stays fit I think he’ll be the standout this season. Creativity, leadership, and goals are what he’s all about. He can easily get amongst 20 goals this season and he could end up keeping Ozil out of the team. As I said before he is also a leader which will be crucial for the Gunners as they chase the title. Ramsey isn’t just an attacking threat but also a hard worker who tracks back and they are not many players like him around at the moment. It depends a lot on his fitness and how Arsenal so as a team but if they do, he’s the man.
Wildcard - The coolest thing to see would be a guy from outside the big 4/5 getting the nod, as so very occasionally can happen. Ross Barkley or Christian Eriksen maybe? I’ll go for Barkley since he’s an Englishmen and poised for a breakout year in any regards. Otherwise a typical Yaya Toure nomination. He's so immensely good, that guy.
Best new signing
Senor Spectre - Sanchez. Alexis. Hands down best new signing on paper. Will he live up to it, who knows just yet.
Mystery Doc - Bojan Krkic for Stoke. A little flair, x factor and class for Stoke who are known for their battler tendencies.
Uncle Dysfunktional - I think the best signing is probably still yet to be made but for now it’s Sanchez for me and that’s because he fits Arsenal like a glove. Pure quality and able to get goals regularly means he should be instant hit. I also think Everton signings Lukaku permanently is a bold and wise move that will pay off as he is a proven goal-scorer who still has his best days in front of him. Fabregas is also a great bit of business for Chelsea while I’d be chuffed to bits with Caulker if I was a QPR fan. I thought Cardiff were smart to buy him last season and Redknapp knows him from their days at Spurs together. They got him for $8m but I can see them getting that back and more in 2 years when he’s England number 1 centre-back.
Wildcard - Probably Chelsea bringing Cescy back. It’s weird that Barcelona have tried to play him down by complaining about his supposed declining influence through a full season. But we all know how snotty and arrogant that club can get. Fabregas is a world class midfielder and unlike the situation in Barca (too many cooks, not enough waiters), he can get back to pulling the strings as he once did so brilliantly at Arsenal.
Biggest flop new signing
Senor Spectre - Diego Costa if he gets injured, or any other big name who gets injured. Liverpool bought enough players for one of them to be a dud, so pick a name out of the hat with that squad.
Mystery Doc - This Mangala fellow that City just bought for some crazy amount of money.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Stoke City’s new signing Bojan could be the biggest flop for me. So much hype because he’s come from Barcelona and he is a typical Hughes signing. He’s too small and doesn’t really suit the English game. He may show flashes of ability but overall I can’t see him setting the world alight. A few of Liverpool’s signing could be in flop territory simply because they’ve spend so much on so many young players who aren’t proven. Markovic of Benfica cost them 20m so a lot will be expected of him while Diego Costa could also be set for a rough start having only had one good season. There has also been a curse over Chelsea strikers for a while that none of them (excluding Drogba) have failed to live up to expectations so we’ll see if Costa adds himself to the list.
Wildcard - The Liverpool haul. First of all, none of them are Luis Suarez, second of all Rickie Lambert is one of the worst finishers going around and Adam Lallana hands away possession like free samples at orientation week. Markovic and Lovren I like, they just haven’t filled the necessary gaps. Lallana will be the unfortunate scapegoat.
Biggest muppet of the new season
Senor Spectre - I was hoping this was going to be Mario Ballotelli but it doesn’t look like he is coming back (sad face). I’m semi hoping it is Mr Pardew because then it will vindicate my choice of him being the first coach to be sacked. Anyone of the United players would also be great.
Mystery Doc - Jose Mourinho, I think ... I mean I hope that everyone around the EPL is going to just sigh and move on from everything that comes out of his mouth.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Those if you that are regulars on the Niche-Cache and particularly the Footy Rhubarb will know exactly who I’m going to say. He is regularly my Footy Rhubarb nipple of the week, and that nipple is Alan Pardew. Once again he has had a summer of buying a massive amount of French players even though he’s complained about how not enough of his squad speak English. He head-butts opposition players, gets banned, talks bollocks, and is lucky that his boss Mike Ashley is thick as pig shit. Basically he’s a muppet by nature. Depending on his mood and how far his head is up his own ass, Joey Barton could also find himself in this category a few times this season.
Wildcard - I’m really enjoying the new Philosopher-Warrior Joey Barton and he’s bound to do something wild at some point (and then justify it with a Confucius quote on twitter). ‘Arry Redknapp will make some kneejerk transfer on deadline day on account of it was too good a price to say no to. Add in some Alan Pardew mania, plus whichever manages get sucked into the word games with Mourinho or Van Gaal – Wenger or Pardew himself seem most likely.
Random/humorous/misc predictions
Senor Spectre - I think Daniel Sturridge will get injured for at least 10 games this year, because he has a stupid goal celebration and karma is going to get him badly for embarrassing himself and his club. There will also be some good yarns about Arsenal players getting injured in an international friendly, not going to lie it probably will happen.
Mystery Doc - Arsene Wenger to be photographed drunk as a mofo after winning the EPL. Umm, QPR to finish mid table ... Winston Reid to dominate the league and get mad props from everyone. Oh and Steven Gerrard to have an absolute banging season.
Uncle Dysfunktional - Phwaoorr! Bare with me. Van Gaal to start the season very well and there is early talk that Man Utd may actually win the title which sets off Jose into hilarious mind games with the Dutchman. Liverpool fail to match last season’s efforts and do not finish in the top four, however they do quite well in the Champions League by getting to the semi-final. Fernando Torres out of nowhere gets back to his old self and manages to get himself in front of Costa as Chelsea’s number 1 striker. Drogba is hailed as the hero that gave Torres the confidence to find his form mainly due to the Ivorian’s move being a let-down as he is never fit. Pardew starts the season well and pundits claim that they could be outsiders for the top four until a dip in form in November results in impressive players being poached in January. These players that leave will obviously be French due to the squad being…..French. Pardew complains about big clubs stealing players but then U-turns claiming that it was all his idea to sell them because the squad just felt too….French. He replaces these players with African players from France and is criticised for bringing in more French players. Pardew argues that they play for African countries such as Algeria, Cameroon, and Senegal and therefore technically aren’t….French. He leaves at the end of the season for a club that is….French.
Wildcard - Joey Barton converts to Buddhism and makes a big deal over his new vegan/sober/peaceful existence… until he punches Phil Jones in the face and launches into a twitter tirade over the government’s oppression of the working class. Louis Van Gaal calls Mauricio Pochettino a communist, Jose Mourinho releases his own line of cologne (“Special One… for men”) while Gary Neville makes Jamie Carragher cry at least twice during punditry. Rio Ferdinand plays less than 10 games and ends up retiring midseason to pursue his dream of becoming a space DJ/urban kit designer. Wayne Rooney writes (figure of speech…) another autobiography (400 pages covering 3 years – though more like 50 pages without all the ‘erms’), while Stevie G gets a big money commercial deal selling fruit with a hilarious series of ads in which he repeatedly slips over on banana peels. Freeze frame the final scene though and see if you can spot the lonely, welling tear in his eye... Also, Mesut Ozil is cast as Gollum in a new stage show of The Lord of the Rings, with Theo Walcott reprising his role as Frodo.