Last Week: 3/10

Overall: 45/100

Chelsea vs Liverpool

It’s a rematch of The Slip! Ah, but there’s no Gerrard or Rodgers. Hell, there isn’t even a Demba Ba.

But we do have a Jose Mourinho on the verge of meltdown. And a Jurgen Klopp looking for his first League win. And a bunch of underperforming Chelsea guys. And a bunch of Liverpool players trying to show their manager they’re able to run hard for 90 minutes.

(But I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to the game)

Both of these teams have struggled to score the goals they probably deserve, though at least Liverpool are keeping them out with a surprising competence. Not sure if Diego Costa will play since he ended up in hospital after the Stoke League Cup game having punched himself. Apparently. That loss shouldn’t mean too much because Jose did speak some sense in his post-match chat, about the ten men of Stoke sitting in and playing for penalties, negating the effect of the lesser numbers and conserving energy as well as the lottery of penalties. Plus Jack Butland is a Hero. Anyway, if you wanna know how that one went, read the ChelseaFC.com match report for a completely unbiased view of events.

(But I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to the game)

You can thoroughly expect the Liverpool midfield to outwork their CFC opponents but as to whether they can turn that into goals, it’s hard to say. My pondering is that they won’t. There’s a good chance that Divock Origi ends up starting again and he’s not exactly taken his chance yet and the added work-rate of the Klopp era doesn’t bode well for too many short turnarounds.

(But I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to the game)

I’m pretty down with the theory that Chelsea are burnt out too. They pushed so hard last season with a small squad and barely any rotation, a tough and long schedule of games, and then came into this season on the back of both a pre- and a post-season tour with next to no time to rest. Remember they didn’t exactly finish strongly last season either. Okay, they cruised in the end but still.

(But I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to the game)

The other theory that I’d buy is that Jose Mourinho sold his soul to win the Premier League last season and this is him trying to keep from having to keep that bargain.

(But I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to the game)

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea scrape it, there ya go Jose. Some media folk still respect you.

West Bromwich Albion vs Leicester City

Another week, another prediction of the end of the Leicester City hot streak. Another week proved wrong. Another Jamie Vardy goal. I mean, goddammit, right? But no, that wasn’t all. There was also this:

“El Real Madrid sigue buscando en el mercado delanteros y parece que en Leicester ha encontrado lo que buscan: Jamie Vardy.”

From Fichajes on October 25.

Now, for those of you, unlike myself, who haven’t gained level ten in Spanish on Duolingo, allow me to translate.

“The Real Madrid follow [something] in the buying market and looks that in Leicester from finding the bargain: Jamie Vardy.”

Okay, I’m not that flash en espanyol myself, google translate will do a better job.

“Real Madrid is still looking at the market and have looked to Leicester to find what they want: Jamie Vardy”.

Put simply, the speedy bugger’s being linked to Real Freakin’ Madrid. Slap me sideways and call me Lucy, that’s ridiculous.

Having said that, seven games in a row with a goal and more league goals than Liverpool this season. Oh and they finally got their clean sheet pizza!

Wildcard’s Pick: Feels like a draw, I think.

Watford vs West Ham

It’s almost November and that means that the old mantra that you can never look at the table before then comes into action. And guess what, West Ham will at the very least be sitting in sixth place by then. That’d be outrageous if it weren’t that they were fourth at Christmas time last season.

Watford are solid. A team difficult to pin down at the start of the campaign (see Boutique/Hard Knocks/Wildcard Team Theory below – under Southampton vs Bournemouth), with a whole bunch of new signings from all over and a new manager with no prior experience in England. But they have a defence that’s doing their job and a couple fine strikers in Troy Deeney and Odion Ighalo. West Ham are definitely a candidate to ease the foot off the gas as the season goes on with the head start they’ve given themselves, just as they did last year. But then maybe this team really is all in? Maybe they back themselves to compete with the best of them, maybe get a shot at another Europa League? Almost all of their transfers look great so far, and this is before Alex Song comes back (as he’s due to soon).

Two conservative teams who know what’s up. This game has 0-0 potential all over it, which neither team would be too unhappy with.

Wildcard’s Pick: Also a draw.

Manchester City vs Norwich City

I’m sorry Norwich fans. Truly I am.

(P.S. City haven’t conceded a PL goal with Vincent Kompany on the field yet.)

Wildcard’s Pick: City 4-0

Swansea City vs Arsenal

The damn Gunners went and screwed us all by taking the horrible result they were due under the Laws of Having Wenger as a Manager and played that card deliberately in the League Cup. It’s brilliant management, really.

I picked them to slip up last week against Everton and with the pouring rain it looked a good call but two quick headed goals got them through. Deulofeu missed a great chance near the end for the Toffees and Lukaku hit the crossbar but Arsenal left just as many chances on the table and deserved the points. But then against Sheffield Wednesday, I mean, as soon as you saw the team list you had a feeling what was coming. Not a 3-0er, no, but Arsenal definitely weren’t going out there to run away with it. The Walcott/Ox injuries didn’t help, I’ll admit. Still, tell me all you know about these players:

Glen Kamara
Alex Iwobi
Ismael Bennacer
Krystian Bielik

Seriously, anything you can offer because I keep a decent line on most teams and I’ve never even heard of any of them. You cannot put any weight on a midweek cup loss with names like that featuring, this does no damage to Arsenal’s stunning form. All it was, was them taking their own reputation into their own hands.

And now with that typically Arsenalian slip up out of the way, they’re free to keep on trucking. I’ll be honest: I’m scared. Scared that this Arsenal team is a genuine title contender. Yeah, I know. It almost shatters the very idea I have about them to think that. For one thing it means I can’t watch them for fun, enjoying that positive, carefree attacking flair of theirs because suddenly I have to worry about them dropping points from somewhere. They’re no longer a pleasant neutral force but a legitimate enemy.

Wildcard’s Pick: Gunners by a goal.

Crystal Palace vs Manchester United

With Liverpool winning in the League Cup and Manchester United slipping out on penalties… what if Jürgen Klopp wins a trophy in England before Louis Van Gaal does? There’s a riddler for ya.

In other news, Man Utd are 11 games unbeaten when Phil Jones and Chris Smalling have started at CB together. There’s an England partnership in the making there (so long as John Stones stays at Everton for a while yet). Though before we get all chummy about English stars at top four clubs, it’s worth mentioning that the three missed penalties for United in the Boro game were all by Englishmen: Rooney, Carrick and Young. No matter what level, no matter what the stage… Englishmen keep on missing in penalty shoot outs.

I really do like Palace but I don’t like them against better teams. They’re at their best when they let themselves flood forward on counter attacks but Pardew tends to be too defensive against the best of them. United are gonna hold the ball for ages, look lifeless and pensive, and then score two quick goals after half time and leave it at that. Probably from three total shots on target. Also they’ll probably concede a late goal just to make it interesting. Maybe Palace can get more if they get their quick wingers running at fullbacks but more likely they’ll leave too much room behind them for the Red Devils to exploit, or either sit too deep to attack.

I’m worried that Wayne Rooney really believes it when people tell him he’s washed up. I wish I could grab him by the shoulders and shake him out of it, tell him to get that drive back and take chances again. He’s a bloody striker, he’s the one position Louis Van Gaal wants to take risks! Then I think maybe he should just stick to playing deeper where his passing can be the key factor. Put some pace in front of him and either side of him (Martial, Lingard, Wilson and Pereira should all count) and let ‘em go to work. Although that means no room for Ander Herrera or Juan Mata who are each immaculate footy players. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Well, Lingard and Pereira are kids who just played 120 mins on the Wednesday night, so that solves that much.

Wildcard’s Pick: United 2-1

Newcastle United vs Stoke City

While we’re in the spirit of riddles, work this one out, can ya? It’s a doozy.

A clue: 260.

Wildcard’s Pick: Newcastle have to bounce back, surely. 1-0 to the Toon.

Everton vs Sunderland

If only Sunderland could play Newcastle every week, they’d be challenging for the Champions League. Instead they’ll probably get relegated unless Big Sam is able to bottle whatever it is that gets them going against their closest rivals and get that special elixir into mass production so he can spike the team’s drinking water with it. Hey, if anyone can it’s Big Sam.

Phil Jagielka’s injury will damage Everton’s defence but it may also give a good opportunity to Tyias Browning in the middle (he’s played a bit of fullback this season). I like that guy, good young player. It’ll probably be the Argentinian Ramiro Funes Mori that gets the run initially though. Not important, it’s Romelu Lukaku and Ross Barkley that’ll win this one. Lukaku, man, he’s 22 and he’s already scored over 100 league goals and has won 40 caps. People forget how crucial he is to this team.

Wildcard’s Pick: Everton 2-1

Southampton vs Bournemouth

Oh, the tragic tale of AFC Bournemouth. Such an entertaining and uplifting team, coming from a small coastal city, soaring up the divisions and into the Premier League. But, and the more I see them the more I think this is true, probably a little too early.

This is doubtlessly me projecting on it but it feels like every season the three promoted teams fall into three separate moulds. The Boutique Club, the Hard Knocks Club and the Wildcard Club (my namesake). The Boutique clubs tend to be smaller and with a fairytale promotion story. The Hard Knocks clubs are the ones that did it by the numbers, with a solid defence and just enough steel to scrape through and then the Wildcard teams… who knows? The Hard Knocks ones are those that tend to stay up, that’s Norwich in this case, though last year it was QPR and they went the hell down in flames. But Premier League quality, money, reputation… they should have had enough in them, except that they mixed the money and quality bits up in the wrong way. Watford are this season’s Wildcard team (that’s not a validation, necessarily), they could be anything and it’s hard to figure them out. As for the Boutique club, sometimes they’re good: Swansea, Wigan, Southampton (a formerly big team but they had the fairytale stuff with their resurgence, plus they’d fallen to League One) and other times they simply don’t have the all-round talent to translate to the top division. Cardiff was an example. Burnley last season. Bournemouth are in that category but they could have been so much more with more luck on the injury front.

Southampton have once again shown a Horror Movie Monster gift for regeneration. Jordy Clasie is fit, keep an eye on him, though it’s Sadio Mane who’s sparking this team. Such a good player. Virgil Van Dijk’s been a fine buy as well.

Bournemouth have lost their last two Premier League games by scores of 5-1. They put up a credible fight against Liverpool in the League Cup but Southampton are gonna be far too strong. I’m worried for poor Bourney.

Wildcard’s Pick: Southampton 3-0