GROUP A

France

Manager: Didier Deschamps

Key Dude: Everyone’s backing Paul Pogba, so him. But don’t sleep on Premier Leaguers N’Golo Kante, Dimitri Payet and Anthony Martial bringing the funk.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: His Champions League final was heart-breaking but Antoine Griezmann is completely legit.

What to Watch For: There’s a growing claim that Deschamps is being a little racist in his team selections, Eric Cantona said as much and the dropped Karim Benzema agrees. Benny was always on the outer thanks to a certain blackmail scandal but Hatem Ben Arfa has more complaints. Anyway, the French tend to win things when they host them and their squad still looks outstanding – even with Olly Giroud in there. Watch for goals, cheers, tears and home crowd fears. And fine cuisine and quality wine.

Expectations: Le French are in it to win it and nothing less than that.

The Big Question: Look at their squad. There is only one team that can beat the French and that team is the French. So… how to the French keep the French from beating the French?

Romania

Manager: Anghel Iordanescu

Key Dude: Vlad Chiricheș was useless at Spurs but he’s brilliant for Romania – these buggers conceded only twice in 10 qualifying matches. To be fair, they did play in a group poor enough for Northern Ireland to top it.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Lucian Sânmărtean is the Romanian Zidane, so they say. He’s also 36 and with an injury history so definitely a wild one.

What to Watch For: Just like so many of your favourite bands, Romania were pretty awesome in the 1990s but never quite took off – making the quarters of the 1994 World Cup most famously. That team was led by the great Gheorghe Hagi, this one isn’t.

Expectations: They might just back themselves to get out of this group, although it might need to by one of the four third place qualifiers. Yeah, four of the six third placed teams make the next round.

The Big Question: How hard have the commentators been practicing their name pronunciation?

Albania

Manager: Gianni De Biasi

Key Dude: There aren’t many but Odise Roshi should provide a rare dose of creativity. They call him Rocket Roshi.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Etrit Berisha, their goalie, sometimes takes penalties. Also a shout out to Taulant Xhaka who is the brother of new Arsenal signing Granit Xhaka… and they’ll play against each other in the opening game.

What to Watch For: Remember that episode of the Simpsons way waaay back when Bart was an exchange student in France and this Albanian kid goes the other way and tries to steal info from the Power Plant to send back to his nation? Well, Albania are gonna be defensive and kinda boring, getting in the way of the better, more exciting teams. The only other reference point I have here is 17-capped A-League heel Besart Berisha… but he hasn’t played for his country since moving to Oz and wasn’t considered for this squad. Imagine a team of hims, though.

Expectations: Score a few goals and maybe steal a point or two.

The Big Question: Who does better of the two first-time major tournament appearers: Albania or Iceland?

Switzerland

Manager: Vladimir Petkovic

Key Dude: Mate, there are a couple but based on the balance of the team we’ll go for Stephan Lichtsteiner, of Juve fame.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Ricardo Rodríguez is brilliant at left-back. Love this guy.

What to Watch For: Bad jokes about Swiss timing, holes like Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives and, of course, Swiss neutrality.

Expectations: They should be aiming as high as a knockout victory, this is a strong squad for the Swiss. Xherdan Shaqiri, Granit Xhaka, Valon Behrami, Haris Seferović… all in front of a typically strong defence.

The Big Question: Say, will Swissman Sepp Blatter make an appearance anywhere, flaunting that ban?

GROUP B

England

Manager: Woy ‘Odgson

Key Dude: Probably Wayne Rooney in that he’s a guaranteed starter with the armband yet fitting him in has been a problem in the past.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: The English team usually relies on the talent of Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man United (City too, sure, I’ll give you that). But seeing how they capitalise on the success of Spurs and Leicester will be curious. Dele Alli, Kyle Walker, Jamie Vardy and the likes. But I’m going with Eric Dier because that kind of tenacity in midfield will win you games, buddy.

What to Watch For: Hooligans of all club affiliations coming together beneath the Three Lions banner. And then crying in their own beers when it all goes wrong. I’ll give ya some tasty odds that they go out on penalties, they always do. Having said that, this might be their best chance in ages. First team to qualify and all that.

Expectations: If it all breaks right, they should challenge for the semis and once you’re there it’s up to fate.

The Big Question: Harry Kane for golden boot?

Russia

Manager: Leonid Slutsky

Key Dude: Igor Akinfeev was supposed to be one of the world’s best keepers coming up as a real prodigy, but while he’s clearly the Russian #1 and has been for ages, he’s prone to the odd dumbass moment – he made a real shocker at the last World Cup. Plus he has the Champions League record of 37 games without ever keeping a clean sheet.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Alexander Golovin is young and raw but he can do some special things.

What to Watch For: Well, they’re a lot better than when Fabio Capello was managing them. They’re a little short on the quality you’d expect of them but there are a few decent ones in there. Aleksandr Kokorin should bag a couple goals and Igor Denisov a couple yellow cards.

Expectations: Realistically, they’re weaker than both England and Wales but you never know with those plucky Russians, always punching above their weight…

The Big Question: Yo Russia, where the goals coming from? They dropped their all-time top scorer (Alexander Kerzhakov – kinda fair enough) while Alan Dzagoev broke a metatarsal… heard that story before.

Wales

Manager: Chris Coleman

Key Dude: Aww, say… Joe Ledley? Nah buddy. Gareth Bale 100%. More if it were possible.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Not quite a wildcard but Aaron Ramsey’ gonna need to have a big – and consistent – tourney for the Welsh. Sing one for Gunners players on the big stage, aye?

What to Watch For: Bale, Bale, Bale. But Coleman also has several other handy pieces to his jigsaw, such as that guy Aaron Ramsey. And Ashley Williams, who you know from his perennially solid Swansea performances and for being continually linked with top four clubs for half a decade to no real validity. Joe Allen, Any King, Sam Vokes and Ben Davies too. They’re a bit of a smokey here.

Expectations: Beating England would be a good start though they’ll settle for a run to the quarters or so, perhaps even one deeper. So long as Bale is there, this is a Welsh team with next to no limitations.

The Big Question: How well can the supporting cast carry the rest of the picture?

Slovakia

Manager: Jan Kozak

Key Dude: No guesses that it’s Marek Hamsik.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: See, they’re sorta a one man team. But Martin Skrtel is there too.

What to Watch For: They aren’t the flashiest looking team and they don’t have the most pedigree to them but… well, WINSTON REID! That and they also beat Spain in qualifying so this 2016 edition are no slouches. Hamsik has been ripping things up for Napoli lately, he looks like a psychopath with that nutter of a mohawk but he also plays like… a psychopath. In a good way.

Expectations: Their own expectations will be higher than any opponents of them and that could be a blessing. Not impossible they grab something from their three games here at all, maybe even sneak on into the next round. Maybe.

The Big Question: If you stop Hamsik you stop Slovakia. So… how do you stop Hamsik?

GROUP C

Germany

Manager: Joachim Löw

Key Dude: Pick a World Cup winner, why don’t you? I’ll go with Thomas Muller on account of goals.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Gotta be Mesut Ozil, surely. Although I do enjoy a little Julian Draxler.

What to Watch For: The world champs out for an encore. They’ve not had a perfect time of it in between 2014 and now but they’re here all the same and that’s what matters. Should peak for the occasion, this squad is scattered from wall to wall with genuine players. Technical, flowing footy at its best.

Expectations: Win the tournament, create a dynasty, don’t mention the war.

The Big Question: Did you know Thomas Muller is still only 26 years old? Yeah, bugger that.

Poland

Manager: Adam Nawalka

Key Dude: THE GREAT ROBERT LEWANDOWSKI!

Wildcard’s Wildcard: There are some tough to pronounce names and some completely new names to most folk but Grzegorz Krychowiak is one that Liverpool fans might recognise, defensive midfield commando for Sevilla.

What to Watch For: Arguably the world’s finest out and out centre forward doing his thang with considerably weaker teammates than he’s used to but still. Poland are pretty good, don’t doubt it. Unfortunately three of their best players are all goalkeepers.

Expectations: If they can get second behind Germany then they’ll be stoked.

The Big Question: How far can you go on the back of one superstar? Not asking for me, but for a Mr Coleman.

Ukraine

Manager: Mykhaylo Fomenko

Key Dude: Andriy Yarmolenko is a popular man in the transfer gossip columns because he scores goals, plain and simple.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Yevhen Konoplyanka, another one of those Sevilla blokes, though this one was an unused sub in the Europa League final.

What to Watch For: They reckon Roman Zozulya is a Ukrainian clone of Wayne Rooney but even Wayne Rooney never copped got banned from European competition for assaulting a ref. They are both prematurely bald though. Aside from that, expect a tight defence and limited attacking options from Ukraine.

Expectations: Get home in time for Fury-Klitschko II – which means missing the final. Ideally the semis too for travel reasons.

The Big Question: Sounds like a few red cards on the offing, hey?

Northern Ireland

Manager: Michael O'Neill

Key Dude: Haha, umm… Jonny Evans.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Kyle Lafferty’s a bit of a nutcase but he scores goals for the Norners. Always a valuable commodity.

What to Watch For: Not George Best, not even a Pat Jennings or David Healy, this Northern Ireland team doesn’t really have any stars at all. And yet here they are after topping their group in qualifying, a proper fairy tale (to be fair they had a very weak group, but still).

Expectations: None, really, this is their first ever Euros and first tournament since the 1982 World Cup. Jeez, even New Zealand have made one since then.

The Big Question: Will Will Grigg get a game? And will his fan-song crack the charts?

GROUP D

Spain

Manager: Vicente del Bosque

Key Dude: Pull a name from a hat, you won’t be far wrong. I’ll go with Andres Iniesta because he’s as close to perfect as they come.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Even given their propensity for false nines and extra midfielders, I reckon Alvaro Morata’s different option should be worth a go. Honestly, if it weren’t for that then he’d arguably be Key Dude instead. Played so well for Juve that Real wanna buy him back again just to sell him for profit.

What to Watch For: Don’t overlook the fact that the Spaniards are the two-time defending European champs. It ain’t quite the tiki taka of old but it’s not too far off. Interesting to see if del Bosque goes for Iker Casillas in goal still, as he always has, or finally gives in to David de Gea, the best GK on the planet.

Expectations: The world, Chico, and everything in it.

The Big Question: Is the core maybe just a little too old? Did the World Cup expose the way to beat them? Is this too many questions?

Turkey

Manager: Fatih Terim

Key Dude: A lot of their squad are based in the homeland and won’t have the reputations they deserve but that man Arda Turan will be there, looking to remind us all how damn good he is after a bit of a stinker at Barca this season.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Gimme some Hakan Balta, a quality defender and one of three lads (Turan and Mehmet Topal) that were at Euro 2008 – their last major tournament (where they made the semis). He’s also a bit of a cult hero thanks in large part to his wife’s social media fame.

What to Watch For: Certainly not the sexiest team out there, yet Turkey are way up on the (bogus) FIFA rankings so don’t sleep. The strength of their team is in their attacking mids but they kinda limit that by needing to balance out a weaker defence, so they’ll probably be in the grind. Hey, there’s always hope of another 2002 World Cup type run.

Expectations: Hard to say, after sneaking in as a best third-place finisher in qualifying. That’s a good sign for these Euros, because Turkey will be the clear third favourite in this group.

The Big Question: You reckon Turan’s regretting joining Barca, or do the trophies make up for it all?

Croatia

Manager: Ante Cacic

Key Dude: Mate, a midfield with Ivan Rakitić and Luka Modrić, it’d be rude to single either out.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Tin Jedvaj is a small child with plenty of ability.

What to Watch For: A pretty superb team, actually. Not only with the two aforementioned Clasico rivals but also Mario Mandžukić (who hasn’t done well for Croatia recently), Ivan Perišić and Mateo Kovačić, among others.

Expectations: We’ll find out how far a world class midfield takes them but they should get into the knockouts comfortably enough.

The Big Question: Can Mr Cacic get the best out of these lads? He’s not even had the gig for a year yet.

Czech Republic

Manager: Pavel Vrba

Key Dude: Petr Čech, after all these years.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Tomáš Necid is a tall, goal-scoring striker who used to play with NZ’s Ryan Thomas at PEC Zwolle. He’s now at Bursaspor but his agent reckons he’ll be in the Champions league soon enough.

What to Watch For: So-called ‘tactical football’. One of those teams that makes up for a lack of star players by playing within a maximised scheme. Oh, and Tommy Rosický is there for any Arsenal fans with such a leaning. He was so good before all the Gunner Injuries™.

Expectations: This is a very tough group but the Czechs will be in games, they’ll stay close.

The Big Question: Remember Pavel Nedved? Oh my Lord what a player he was. And such hair!

GROUP E

Belgium

Manager: Marc Wilmots

Key Dude: How about Romelu Lukaku, playing for a transfer maybe?

Wildcard’s Wildcard: A lot depends on which Eden Hazard turns up. The one that played 95% of the season for Chelsea or the one that finished it. Maybe just tell him they’re playing Spurs and see what happens.

What to Watch For: Waahh, what a team! A little Kevin De Bruyne, some Toby Alderweireld, a slice of Eden Hazard, just a touch of Mousa Dembele… not to mention Jan Vertonghen, Thibaut Courtois, Thomas Vermaelen, Radja Nainggolan and the two Liverpool strikers Benteke and Origi. This is the golden generation of Belgian football.

Expectations: Given their world ranking, they should back themselves to have a go at the trophy. Given their previous pedigree, the semi-finals will do. Depends how much they back themselves but I’d say the latter.

The Big Question: The golden generation… but can they turn that into a deep tournament run?

Italy

Manager: Antonio Conte

Key Dude: The great man Gigi Buffon, still at it after more than 150 international caps.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: You know… it’s probably that man Conte again. The Azzurri boss is off to a different team in blue after this competition. He’s been a tactical tinkerer in the past and that might be their best shot here given the imbalance in the squad.

What to Watch For: We’re talking about a very typical Italian side here. Imperious at the back but their playmaking options are shockingly depleted. Graziano Pelle will probably be their main man up top and there are times when he can’t shoot straight if his life depended on it. Which… it might, [redacted mafia joke].

Expectations: This is Italy. They’re either going to win it all or get knocked out in the groups.

The Big Question: Where are the goals coming from?

Sweden

Manager: Erik Hamren

Key Dude: I am Zlatan. No, I am Zlatan. Hey, I’m Zlatan too.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Albin Ekdal is a guy who could have lost his way after being a highly rated prospect at Juve, but played great at Cagliari before moving to Hamburg this season. He’s been named, though he’s in a race against time to be fit after falling over a table in a nightclub and needing stitches. There’s a lad we can all cheer for.

What to Watch For: Obviously the potential of Zlatan Ibrahimović to do something stunning. Aside from him it’s bound to be a side of sexy Scandinavians but there aren’t the Ljundbergs or Mellbergs of the past in this lot. A lot of decent pros scattered across Europe but few from Champions League regulars.

Expectations: If they can beat Ireland in the opener, they should be happy. Or if they can sneak something off the two big boys in the group.

The Big Question: Is Sweden a one-man team? Are they allowed to be anything else?

Republic of Ireland

Manager: Martin O'Neill

Key Dude: Shane Long has been a Premier League undercover champ for ages but here he’ll needa take centre stage.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Aiden McGeady hasn’t done well with expectations in the past, just ask Everton fans, but he’s still got the odd game in him when he’s unplayable.

What to Watch For: A plucky underdog story. We’re talking about a defence which could be led by John O’Shea and with Darren Randolph as their clear number one. There are a few class players in there, Seamus Coleman, James McCarthy and Shane Long for example, but they’ll be overmatched by most opponents. But not in team spirit. If they can get out of the group then, who knows, it could be shades of Italia 90.

Expectations: Cannot wait, they’ve got a brutal group and will do well to grab one of those third-place qualifiers but if they can get something going then who knows? Bit of a team of battlers but that’s exactly what they’ve always thrived with… on the rare occasions that they’ve thrived.

The Big Question: Can you even get Guinness in France?

GROUP F

Portugal

Manager: Fernando Santos

Key Dude: Keep an eye on this Cristiano Ronaldo fella, there are big things in his future.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: I was always so frustrated by Nani when he was at Man United but he’s one of the few in this team capable of tearing a defence open. Pepe is a wildcard of another type.

What to Watch For: Definitely get a peek at 18 year old Renato Sanchez who just signed a big deal to join Bayern Munich. Other than that, well, if you like sparkly abs and fake tans then Ronaldo will be playing and doing everything for these guys, as per usual.

Expectations: With the group they’ve drawn, they should be banking on not only advancing but advancing top and getting a favourable tie in the knockouts.

The Big Question: Who’s Pepe gonna mark?

Iceland

Manager: Lars Lagerbäck

Key Dude: Gylfi Sigurdsson, go Gylfi. Give him a free kick around the box and just see what happens.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: The entire bloody team after making it this far. 323,000 people live in Iceland and in case you didn’t gather from the nation’s name, yeah, it’s pretty cold.

What to Watch For: The absolute legend that is Eidur Gudjohnsen, still kicking internationally at age 37 and probably a guy who inspired half this team to make it as footballers. Plus this is their first major tournament of any nature. They film a lot of Game of Thrones in Iceland, the stuff north of The Wall, if that’s your bag too.

Expectations: Already exceeded.

The Big Question: The Leicester City of the European Champs? Sorry, someone had to ask.

Hungary

Manager: Bernd Storck

Key Dude: Balázs Dzsudzsák is the best player in the squad.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: As tempted as I am to say Zoltán Gera, I’ll refrain myself. Instead it’s László Kleinheisler who scored in their qualifying play-off and has the nickname ‘Scholes’. A quick look at him and you’ll see why.

What to Watch For: Once the finest international team on the planet, that was back in the early 1950s. Since then it’s mostly been a decline, but a good showing here and we’ll at least get to hear some unworthy Ferenc Puskas comparisons.

Expectations: I mean, the last time they qualified for a tournament in France, they lost to Italy in the 1938 World Cup final.

The Big Question: More stupid tabloid headlines: Hungary or Turkey?

Austria

Manager: Marcel Koller

Key Dude: No doubt, it’s that fella David Alaba. Jack of all trades for Bayern, master of… all of them.

Wildcard’s Wildcard: Aleksandar Dragović is a proper defender, he’s also a joker. Back in 2012 he “playfully slapped” the head of a Swiss politician after Basel had won the Cup. Then he refused to apologise basically because it was funny. They forced him to eventually, and thus comedy is dead.

What to Watch For: It’s a bit of a golden age for Austrian football, along with Alaba they also have a couple of solid Premier Leaguers in Marko Arnautovic, Kevin Wimmer and Christian Fuchs (as well as a not-so solid one in Christian Prodl). Top scorer Marc Janko used to play in the A-League too, which is funny. Could be a dark horse.

Expectations: Beat Iceland, don’t lose to Hungary and how it plays out.

The Big Question: Wouldn’t you love to slap a politician on the head?