The Wildcard’s Premier League Predictions - Week 4
Last Week: 8/10
Overall: 16/30
Manchester United vs Manchester City
11.30pm Saturday (NZT)
Phwoar, matey, what a way to start the weekend! With as good as both teams have looked already, there might not have been a bigger Manchester Derby since that one that effectively decided the title a few years back (effectively but not quite – it ended up taking an injury time goal from Sergio Aguero in the final game to settle it). Vincent Kompany scored the winner that day if I remember right and I watched it at the pub before uni one morning. Ruined my goddamn day, walking around campus in a Man United shirt after they’d just lost.
But I don’t have to go in depth on the match coming up because this already exists:
Read that one for the tactical thoughts, instead I’m gonna focus on Zlatan.
Like when he spoke to CNN about Pep Guardiola last year:
“As a coach he was fantastic. As a person I’ve no comments about that, that’s something else. He’s not a man, there’s nothing more to say.”
Or the stuff he wrote in his book about Pep:
"I yelled: 'You haven't got any balls!' and worse than that I added: 'You can go to hell!' I completely lost it, and you might have expected Guardiola to say a few words in response, but he's a spineless coward. He just picked up the metal box, like a little caretaker, and then left, never to mention it again, not a word."
His book is really good, by the way. Top quality footballer’s autobiography, which isn’t a section of the library that tends to hold that many gripping reads. There’s a reason for that and the ghostwriter of I Am Zlatan has more or less admitted he used his own words in writing it, keeping the tone of what Zlatan had to say but, as he put it, searching for the ‘Literary Zlatan’. Sounds scandalous, but the book is legit and the facts are still true so all good. Anything to keep be from accidentally reading another one like Michael Owen’s book. Roy Keane apparently went the other way on his latest book where he was rearranging sentences and everything.
That’s the old banter, here’s the new banter:
I cannot wait. Honestly. Hold all my calls on Saturday night, that one’s for the footy alone.
Wildcard’s Pick: 3-2 United
Middlesbrough vs Crystal Palace
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
That’d be undefeated Middlesbrough to you, champ. And winless Crystal Palace. They’re also the two teams that make the most tackles each week so strap yourself in for a cruncher in the midfield here. Eventually I can see a point where Palace are competitive against with Christian Benteke up top and scoring goals like he once did at Aston Villa but he looks very short on footy right now. It’s gonna take a while and so maybe don’t be betting the house on CPY finishing in the top half of the table this season. It’s gonna be a tough start – they do not look great.
TOP THREE TRANSFER WINDOWS
Manchester United – Just the four incomers but all are potential first XI dudes and one is the new most expensive fella ever. Plus they got it all done with plenty of time to spare.
Bournemouth – Mostly young players but all with big potential (and resale value if needed). Didn’t overpay except for the Liverpool guys. Addressed all their areas, plus they got Jack Wilshere on loan when AC Milan and Roma were lurking.
Manchester City – Gotta say fair’s fair when it’s fair. Offloaded some deadweight while bringing in a few difference makers. Tough decisions were made as well.
BOTTOM THREE TRANSFER WINDOWS
West Brom – Didn’t get a striker when they needed one, somehow kept Saido Berahino despite having no real use for him and no intent to play him where he should be. Galloway’s a goodie on loan but Chadli and Nyom are stretches and Robson-Kanu was available all summer – suggesting this wasn’t his first plan either.
Watford – Might turn out well, but hard at this stage to see how consecutive seasons of mass player turnover is gonna make things more stable. Lots of money spent, no real playmakers to speak of. Big pressure on Roberto Pereyra now.
Everton – Yannick Bolasie is superb, Maarten Stekelenburg has played well too. Ashley Williams is a proven beast at the back. Idrissa Gueye can play too. Sounds good, except that they were stiffed on Moussa Sissoko and Enner Valencia on loan would not have been their ideal deputy for Lukaku. Lukaku’s still there so that’s a huge boost too, though they did lose John Stones. In time this should look like a great haul, it’s just that it promised a lot more at one stage. No Steve Walsh scouting steals to speak of. Not enough to have them finishing in a European spot, in most likelihoods. But unlike the other two whiffers, Everton are at least building towards something.
Crystal Palace are running those three close as well with blockbusters like this:
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Boro
Stoke City vs Tottenham Hotspur
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
How about Daniel Levy, just a few days after his transfer schemes cost Everton the rental price of a private jet and an untaken medical for Moussa Sissoko, who is out there saying that the new White Hart Lane, when it’s ready, is gonna be ideal for an NFL franchise someday. They’re already hosting a few NFL games a year in London and the greedy idiots who run the Nash’nil Furtbahll Leeeeg in America clearly don’t hate the idea of a regular team in London either – for the extra money it provides and also because the timing means an extra TV slot on Sundays there. Most fans think it’s stupid, as indeed most English ones ought to as well.
Apparently the new WHL will be able to switch from proper grass to artificial turf within two hours of work. Still not as quick as Tottenham can go from 2-0 up to losing the title.
I couldn’t find proper vid of that game and wasn’t really bothered because this was more interesting.
People talking about how much they hate Diego Costa and then they complain about how dirty this all was. Make up ya mind, bruh.
Wilfried Bony is an ideal signing for Stoke, he’s a powerful target man who finishes well but also has enough skill to link up with Shaqiri and Bojan and the lads. But just like Benteke at Palace it’ll take maybe a month before he really settles in, whether he’s scoring goals or not.
Speaking of scoring goals, Harry Kane has never scored a senior goal before September 26 in his career. With that, he’s already getting criticised for not scoring yet, which is clearly dumb.
Harry Hotspur: “People will talk this year as well. It’s what they’re doing now. But I am confident in my ability. I know that, if I continue doing what I’m doing, the goals will come.”
With all due respect, that’s a load of arse. He looks to me like the stereotypical confidence striker, who doesn’t play to his best unless he’s scoring regularly. It might take a fluke or a deflection to get him going.
Wildcard’s Pick: 2-1 Spurs
Arsenal vs Southampton
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
Don’t think the Premier League only has one managerial rivalry. Because while everyone else was getting pumped up for Pep vs Jose, Arsene Wenger was out there being a petty little child. Both he and Jose went to a UEFA thingamajig over the international break, some coaching conference thing. Sir Alex Ferguson was giving the opening speech and Jose Mourinho turned up after most others had taken their seats and went looking for a place to park his arse:
Per Marca EN: “There were few empty seats but there was a space opposite Zinedine Zidane and Unai Emery so he [Jose] asked if anyone was sitting there - the seats were not booked in advance.
"No, it isn't possible," was the surprise reply by none other than Arsene, without a moment's hesitation.
Some delegates laughed discretely while others stared into space pretending they had not heard a thing.”
Won’t even let the bastard sit next to him for a lecture. Never change, fellas. No word on where Mourinho eventually sat.
This fixture is a good one, they have a bit of history at roughing each other up. Like in 2012 when Arsenal won 6-1. Or 2015 when Southampton took a 4-0 victory with their only four shots on target. Curiously, Arsenal haven’t scored in their last three matches against the Saints but already five points behind the leaders though with cavalry on the way, you’ve gotta think that changes here. There is an asterisk over South American players this weekend due to the long flights back from international duty but if Alexis Sanchez is your fantasy captain, you’ll probably be okay.
This is also a rematch of the 2003 FA Cup final, which was probably the most boring one ever staged. I remember falling asleep during it and dreaming that Ashley Cole had scored a stunning hat-trick only to wake and find I’d dreamed an incredible game of footy to compensate for the slumber fest that was actually happening.
Dunno why it was Ashley Cole. Makes no sense to me either.
Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 Gunners
Bournemouth vs West Bromwich Albion
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
Jack U Off… to Bournemouth on loan where you’ll team up with your best mate Benik Afobe and create goal after goal as you finally get a spell of fitness and convince Arsene Wenger not only that you’re deserving of a long term place in that team but also that his training methods are to blame for the constant injuries at the Gunners. You may not believe this, but Abou Diaby has played 130 minutes in three games for Marseille this season.
Speaking of Arsenal castoffs/icons:
OH. MY. LORD.
Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0
Burnley vs Hull City
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
Here we have a couple of the clubs that broke their record transfer fee this last window. It’s not a small list, there were 13 Premier League clubs that did so and several of them did it more than once.
That’s not something that anyone ought to worry about. Of course records were gonna be broken, there’s more money in the PL than there’s ever been before, the profile is super high with the managers seeking to work there and the circumstances are that to where all the big clubs are looking to make statements and the smaller ones desperately trying to keep up.
Burnley and Hull were two very likely relegation chances when they made their way up and each was suspiciously quiet in the transfer market too, though they eventually got going. Hull are still dealing with that injury crisis but Mike Phelan has managed to turn their fortunes around on the field at least. And with the window winding down they were able to secure a few sneaky ones that could really help. The jury is out on Ryan Mason however the chance to play regularly should see big improvements and the same goes for a couple of ex-MUFC fellas who Phelan will have had some prior knowledge of in Will Keane and James Weir. Each Englanders whose paths were blocked at United, each also very impressive guys. Keane is a tall forward capable of some supreme strikes but needs to become a more regular scorer in senior footy while Weir has captained the Man Utd U21s and is a midfielder with the ability to drift forward and pick a pass. He played one minute for United, coming on as a 95th minute sub in the win over Arsenal last season.
In that same game, Marcus Rashford made his PL debut, scoring twice. Will Keane was actually ahead of Rashford in the United ranks last season but getting his opportunity in the FA Cup after cutting short a loan deal after Wayne Rooney was injured, he himself had to leave the game hurt – injuries have been the story of his career so far. The next game was a trip to Denmark in the Europa League and a teenager named Rashford found his way into the squad. The rest is history.
Funnily enough, Keane’s twin brother Michael is a centre back for Burnley and could be marking him this week.
As for Burnley, their late swoops for Steven Defour and Jeff Hendrick suddenly turn their midfield from a clear weakness to a pretty solid unit. Defour will create while Hendrick works hard and wins the ball, it could be an interesting duo there. Hendrick is a player I especially rate after his time at Derby – the only disappointing thing there is that they didn’t also stump for Will Hughes while they were at it, but the Rams have their own interests to look after. A few tricky fellas prop up the squad, like the three blokes signed from Charlton, but Jon Flanagan should probably go into the starting XI and Patrick Bamford fares to be a handy bloke off the bench. Supposed to be one of the top prospects in England, at 22 he’s already onto his sixth loan club after spells at MK Dons, Derby, Middlesbrough, Crystal Palace and Norwich. Typical bloody Chelsea.
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1
West Ham United vs Watford
2.00am Sunday (NZT)
Shout out to Watford on managing to earn ten yellow cards and a red already in only three games. That is commitment to the cause right there – the cause of costing yourself footy games but all the same.
I think maybe Slaven Bilic likes a particular kind of striker, hence he’s stockpiled Simone Zaza, Andy Carroll and Andre Ayew. Three big lads to chose from there supposing there’s ever a time when the whole trio is fit. Enner Valencia is not a bruiser, he’s a runner and a gunner and that doesn’t really work when your midfield is doing the same thing. Gotta have the anchor, I get that.
With only one win to date, West Ham had better be targeting this one. Watford are there for the taking until Walter Mazzarri shows he knows what he’s doing with them. Good in patches against City but otherwise sloppy this season, Dimitri Payet is fit again and there are no more excuses (even with a whole pile of other injuries to deal with).
Wildcard’s Pick: WHU 2-0
Liverpool vs Leicester City
4.30am Sunday (NZT)
Quality game right here. Both of them are on four points after three games so the draw isn’t particularly suiting for either, yet a loss would be devastating. If Liverpool drop this one at home, they’re suddenly freaking out because they genuinely thought they were onto something here in the short term – especially after beating Arsenal. And while they can say it’s been a tough start, and it has, they also lost to Burnley in their most winnable game. That’s how thin the margins are in a season this crowded. The points you can’t get back at the start can make all the difference by the end.
Leicester though, they’re in exactly the same boat except they lost to Hull and drew with Arsenal. They’ll be cheerier even if they slip back into the chasing pack since most of these guys already have a winner’s medal on their coffee tables. Still, with the Champions League coming up it’d be nice if they didn’t screw the league campaign up early. Liverpool need this one more, Leicester will be preoccupied with the trip to Belgium and Club Bruges in a few days. It’s a delicately poised game and it’s equally easy to see either one of them slicing through the other’s defence. Benefit of the doubt falls in Jurgen Klopp’s court for now.
Then again, Stevie G probably jinxed them here when he says Leicester are crap.
Because, you know, that’s funny. It reminds me of something. Now what was… that… oh yeah, this:
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Liverpool
Swansea City vs Chelsea
3.00am Monday (NZT)
And so while the Manchesters are out there slugging away at each other, Chelsea have themselves a trip to Swansea where it’d be pretty surprising if they don’t get three points to stash in the overhead compartment on the way back. The Swans are another of those teams that is unfortunately gonna be stuck in that relegation battle barring a big swing in form. I expect there’s too much talent there for them to go down but it might not be that much fun on the journey. First thing’s first is to start winning away from home. Last season they picked up 30 points at home and 17 away, which suggests their home stuff is decent enough, the year before it was 32 at home and 24 away. The trade-off is that they’re far away from everyone else that it’s difficult to travel there and get a result but the reverse is true when they themselves travel. Tricky stuff.
Head to head in total Premier League goals this season: Fernando Llorente vs Alvaro Negredo. Who ya got?
After this game, Chelsea are home to Liverpool, away to Leicester and then away to Arsenal. 12 pts from 12 heading into that slippery slope would be ideal. I mean, it’s not like they can do any better than that.
Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-1
Sunderland vs Everton
7.00am Tuesday (NZT)
Yes, to finish we have a special one. The Moyes Testimonial match. Either that or the Steven Pienaar Derby, but that’s pretty boring.
Imagine if Moyes had never left…
Some poor bugger like Steve Bruce might have gotten the Man United job instead. Or maybe Jose Mourinho went there instead of Chelsea, that sounds likely enough. Fellaini would still be an Everton grinder and Romelu Lukaku could still be at Chelsea. John Stones wouldn’t have had to play under Roberto Martinez and with that he never had his stinker season and while he still transferred away, instead he went to bloody Barcelona. Would they have finished any higher on the table? Umm, probably yeah but not exactly Champions League high. In fact without Moyes getting sacked by MUFC and triggering their downturn then Mourinho might not have had his at Chelsea either. Those two and Man City compete for the last three titles – Arsenal in fourth of course – and Leicester City never happens. Most likely Pep Guardiola still finds his way to Manchester because that was long expected but by the time he arrived Jose Mourinho would already be leaving in flames. Arsene Wenger will still be at Arsenal but after fourth place finishes year after year he’s now locked under siege at the Emirates by furious Gunner fans waving torches and pitchforks. There’s no room for Spurs to get good and so Harry Kane ends up at Chelsea, controversially. England once again fail at the World Cup and Euros but by now Wayne Rooney is player-manager and he’s starting himself in midfield every game. Jamie Vardy is a heroin addict who none of us has ever heard of. N’Golo Kante is still playing in the second division in France and Paul Pogba is still at Juventus. David Luiz not only never left Chelsea but he’s also captain and, in a plot lifted directly from the Simpsons, is secretly plotting to murder Joe Hart after he foiled his chances of a Premier League title in a late-season clash. Die, Hart, Die. He succeeds in killing him. Manchester City replace him with Petr Cech while Arsenal, who never bought him, instead have some random Croatian lad in goal. Sergio Aguero is bought by Bayern Munich. David De Gea ends up at Real Madrid. Louis Van Gaal is the new manager of Liverpool and Jurgen Klopp gets the West Ham gig. Diego Costa still ends up at Chelsea but without Mourinho to contain him, he impales several players in vicious sprigged assaults but referees are told that they didn’t see them and he is not punished. Zlatan retires peacefully in France. A stand at the Emirates collapses under the pressure of thousands of cumulative hurled pieces of jewellery and expensive leather shoes. The FA is disbanded after it is revealed that they’d been plotting to relocate the league to America. It’s a travesty, it’s a disaster. Somebody wake me up! Please, I’m begging you…
I guess it all worked out the way it was supposed to, right?
Wildcard’s Pick: Everton 2-0