Last Week: 12-4

San Diego Chargers (6-7) at Denver Broncos (11-2)

And for my first trick this week, I shall accurately predict the Denver Broncos to pretty much end the Chargers season with a close but comfortable win. I’m on a roll right now, man, 24 of 32 for the past two weeks. I mean, I don’t want to exaggerate or get carried away with this, but I’m pretty much the Michael Jordan of NFL picks. The Beatles and the Rolling Stones combined. I AM A GOLDEN GOD!

…

Anyway, Peyton Manning should toss at least 3 tds here. He needs 6 to break the single season record, with three games remaining. He’s also about 900 yards short of that record too (Single season yardage). Basically, he’s all people are gonna be talking about during Broncos games for the next few weeks. Phil Rivers can keep up for a while – he’s playing pretty handily himself – but nobody beats this team in a shootout.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 7

Washington Professional Football Team (3-10) at Atlanta Falcons (3-10)

The big news for this game is that the Washington PFT has dropped quarterback Robert Griffin III for the rest of the season, choosing fellow sophomore pro Kirk Cousins instead. Technically, they’re saying RGIII’s being ‘rested’ for the rest of the year, being as they’re already out of it, and they want him fit for next preseason. Only the reason they’re out of it is because Griff has been playing like a bucket of bollocks. This season is his Phantom Menace to the original trilogy of his rookie season. And did you see the crowd last week in Washington? It was half empty by half time! Kirk Cousins is good enough to start on more than a few teams, and he has a cool name, but this team has long since given up. Their coach has given up and their fans now have given up too.

Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 6

Chicago Bears (7-6) at Cleveland Browns (4-9)

Da Bears are in a tough position now where they have a quarterback conundrum of their own. Do they go back to franchise guy Jay Cutler or backup Josh McCown, who has been lighting it up in his absence. Not really fair on Cutler of he gets succeeded because of injury, but professional sports blah blah part of the game blah best for team yadda yadda yadda.

	Age	GS	QBrec	Cmp	Att	Cmp%	Yds	TD	TD%	Int	Int%	Lng	Y/A	Y/G	Rate	QBR	Sk	Yds
Jay Cutler	30	8	4-4-0	167	265	63.0	1908	13	4.9	8	3.0	58	7.2	238.5	88.4	63.2	11	80
Josh McCown	34	5	3-2-0	147	220	66.8	1809	13	5.9	1	0.5	80	8.2	258.4	109.8	85.72	11	37

Provided by Pro-Football-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 12/12/2013.

See, it’s not even that Cutler was bad, just that McCown has been better, and gives them more of a chance to win. Better completion percentage, more yards per game, far better QBR & Passer Ratings, and most important of all, just 1 interception in 147 attempts. They can’t risk messing up their momentum after Monday Night Football by throwing in an unfit Cutler, but even if the Cutmeister is good to go, they should stick with the man getting the job done as is. Brian Urlacher agrees. Either way, you’d think they can take care of Cleveland, though the Browns are a banana peel waiting to be slipped on. I should probably mention Mike Ditka too. So: Mike Ditka.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 6

New England Patriots (10-3) at Miami Dolphins (7-6)

This could be a really great game. The Pats aren’t actually that good (for a Patriots team, that is), but with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, they really are never out of it. Down by over 20 against the top team in the league, they win. Down two TDs with minutes to play against the Browns, they win. Miami on the other hand, have lost 4 of their 6 losses by 4 points or less, and 4 of their wins have been by less than a touchdown. The Patriots are never beaten until the fat lady (Rex Ryan in a wig? Oh no wait, that’s just his brother Rob) sings, while the Dolphins games are barely ever sealed until the final play of the game. Miami needs to win badly, but this just reeks of a late Brady comeback.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 2

Houston Texans (2-11) at Indianapolis Colts (8-5)

We’re getting into the ‘what does Houston do with the first pick?’ conversation now. They’ve got Indy here, Denver next and Tennessee in the final week. Given what’s become of Matt Schaub, I’m guessing best available quarterback. The Colts looked really good for a while, but ever since Reggie Wayne went down hurt, their offence has gone stale, and their defence was never great. Oh, and their running game? Nothing to talk about there at all. But despite it all they’re cruising to the playoffs. And you know sometimes all you have to do is keep it within touching distance and let your QB go crazy at the end. Andrew Luck is the heir to Tom Brady’s throne of comeback king – you’re hardly ever out of the game with that guy in the pocket.

Wildcard’s Pick: Don’t need Luck to beat this Texans side. But he’ll help. Colts by 10

Philadelphia Eagles (8-5) at Minnesota Vikings (3-9-1)

Aaargh! NOO!!! Adrian Peterson is probably out of this game with the injury he picked up last week against Baltimore. Peterson wants to play, but the medical staff isn’t likely to risk it - Which puts my fantasy football playoffs in serious trouble. WHY!? It’s not fair! This week of all I needed him to play. I’m screwed, my season’s over… Huh? Whaddaya mean ‘more important repercussions’? Athletes are real people who suffer pain and heartbreak too? Not just tools for our vicarious entertainment? That’s news to me…

Wildcard’s Pick: Eagles by 7

Seattle Seahawks (11-2) at New York Giants (5-8)

Haha, the playoff bus left without the Giants weeks ago now. Seattle was a bit messy in losing to the Niners last week, but SF49 are good. Not quite Superbowl good, but they’ll threaten as always. Seattle is invincible at home, but they’ve shown vulnerabilities on the road, therefore they need to finish strong to make sure they get home-field advantage.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 10

San Francisco 49ers (9-4) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9)

It’s a shame it took Tampa so long to work everything out, coz the Buccs are a solid 8-8 type team now on form. But too late to matter now. I have zero faith in 2013 Kaepernick on the road in the playoffs, not with a season completion rate of 57.2% (33rd amongst qualified starters). He’s thrown just 16 touchdowns (20th), and only 191.3 yards per game (33rd). Yet having thoroughly destroyed his reputation, I’m now gonna pick him to win here.

Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 4

Buffalo Bills (4-9) at Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9)

Boooring. The Bills are suffering by not having a consistent starting quarterback, thanks to Manuel’s (Que?) many injuries… oh, man, I can’t BELIEVE I never made a Fawlty Towers joke about EJ Manuel before!... and, um, yeah. Too many different QBs. The Jags are still looking for a franchise QB after the complete atrocity that Blaine Gabbert ended up as. They could have had a great shot at first pick, only Chad Henne came in and is playing too well for a team on the tank. Now they’ve won 4 of 5, with a 5th likely on the way. Dammit Chad, you’re too good for a team this bad!

Wildcard’s Pick: Jags by 3

Kansas City Chiefs (10-3) at Oakland Raiders (4-9)

The Oakland Raiders are like the Team Rocket of the NFL. On the outside they try to seem brutish and violent and nasty, but it’s all just a cover up for the frail, spineless kitty cats that they really are. And that’s just their fanbase. The Chiefs know how to win exactly this kind of game. They’ll get it done. Even at this early stage, trailing Denver only by a game (but without the tie breaker), and with the Colts looking like easily the worst of the division winners (they’ve already wrapped up the AFC South), a Chiefs at Colts matchup week one of the playoffs is a near certainty. Hmm.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 10

New York Jets (6-7) at Carolina Panthers (9-4)

Here’s a nice easy one.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 10

Green Bay Packers (6-6-1) at Dallas Cowboys (7-6)

It was an embarrassing performance from the Cowboys last week, but things aren’t quite as bad as people (mostly jaded Dallas natives) would have you think. If they win out they’re going to the playoffs, and it could happen, with Washington and Philly to come. If, however, Aaron Rodgers is back and playing against this Dallas defence here, then things may get ugly. There will be blood, and there will be large, deafening oils spills. Rodgers will drink Romo’s milkshake. GodDAMN that’s a good film!

The Pack crew are saying that they’re pessimistic over Rodgers’ return. Given their playoff hopes are resting precariously on the proverbial edge, I’d be surprised if number 12 isn’t there. But as a diehard (another good film – the first two anyway) Cowboys fan, I’m still carrying the torch.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 3

Arizona Cardinals (8-5) at Tennessee Titans (5-8)

I’ve been playing NFL Playoff Machine on ESPN.com, and have come to the firm conclusion that even now at just a game out of a wildcard spot, the Cardinals have absolutely zero chance of making the playoffs. They’ve got Seattle away next week (guaranteed loss) and the San Fran at home in week 17 (probable loss – probably too late to matter anyway by then). Plus Carson Palmer has been playing better than he actually is (the interceptions are a good reminder). In fact, tellyawhat, a wee dram of liquid courage and I’m backing an upset.

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 3

New Orleans Saints (10-3) at St Louis Rams (5-8)

A more or less full strength Saints team against these ramshackle Rams?

I’m sooo close to taking the Saints as my Superbowl pick. Imagine a Denver vs New Orleans finale? That’s an arousing proposition. Yeah, you know what I mean.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 14

Cincinnati Bengals (9-4) at Pittsburgh Steelers (5-8)

It’s only fitting that the Steelers, whose coach infamously stepped on the field in the way of a Jacoby Jones kick return to save a TD the other week, had what would have been a top 10 greatest play in the history of the league negated by Antonio Brown stepping out ever so slightly. Even at 5-8 though, the Steelers are still clinging to a playoff chance (they’ve got a bunch of tiebreakers in their favour). That chance won’t last any longer than this week. Cincinnati may well be the second best team in the AFC now. Definitely top 4.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 5

Baltimore Ravens (7-6) at Detroit Lions (7-6)

Ooh, yes. This is it. This is why we watch this stuff and why they play it. Sport at its purest. Competition, do or die. Win or go home. Ok, not quite, but the loser of this game is in trouble, while the winner gets themselves a box seat in the playoff hunt. And each of these two is capable of the most incredible comeback wins (e.g. Detroit anytime they play Dallas, Baltimore vs Denver last playoffs or vs Minnesota last week). Joe Flacco and Matt Stafford may be the modern masters of the Hail Mary. Their running games are going in opposite directions, their defences too. In fact they may as well be on adjacent trains each heading other way on the lines. Detroit’s is running short on steam as they try to inch towards the elite few in the NFC, while Baltimore’s is on its way down and in a hurry too. Pretty much the perfect time for this match in every way. I’m drooling. And I haven’t even mentioned Calvin Johnson yet.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 7

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He arrived in America from his native Cuba in 1980. Having been questioned by US officials, he was sent to a detention camp, which he escaped after carrying out a cartel-organized hit. Having worked menial jobs for a while, he eventually became involved in organised crime, working his way to the top in a haze of money and cocaine. And awesome, quotable accents. And a white tiger for some reason. He’s recently been meeting with Colombian drug lords over potential ‘investment’ opportunities. Should be good, bro.