The Wildcard’s Guide to the NFL - Week 14
Last Week: 10-6
Season: 125-66-1
Dallas Cowboys (8-4) at Chicago Bears (5-7)
Four weeks to go. Four more games for each team, four more chances to prove themselves. To extend their season and achieve what they set out to achieve. To make it to the offseason and still be able to sleep at night without nightmares of the missed opportunities.
The Cowboys are a team with plenty of horrific memories of blown games and seasons. I know, because I’ve felt them all first hand. I’ve felt physically ill as turnovers have ruined entire years of work and I’ve cursed many-a television at dumbass play calling and dropped catches and third down completions on defence. JUST MAKE A STOP! GODDAMMIT!!!
… Sorry, that brought up some painful recollections.
The thing is, despite a wonderful start, the Cowboys are in danger of letting another season through their fingers. Technically, they aren’t even out of the 8-8 mire yet. At the pace that the Eagles play, and given that they have a pretty good defence just quietly, it’s hard to beat them if they don’t make their own mistakes and despite having Marky Mark taking snaps, they didn’t. Now the Cowboys are effectively two games back on Philly and playing for a wildcard. Though they rematch in two weeks, that’ll mean nothing if this game isn’t a big, bold W for Romo and co.
Also, massive thanks to whoever scheduled the Cowboy’s toughest game of the season on short rest after a Sunday night game. Assholes.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 10
Baltimore Ravens (7-5) at Miami Dolphins (7-5)
Ah, you silly Ravens. You had the Chargers there for the taking and you let it slip. And mistakes like that will come back to haunt you. You can’t outrun the past, after all. Sergeant Herc took a surveillance camera without permission to get some sly evidence on the street dealers. But Marlo Stanfield was smarter than Herc’s rookie tactics and threw him of the scent (as well as stealing the camera). Actually, Bubbles messed with him too after Herc blew him off. And Herc lost his job.
Morale of the story: Watch season 4 of The Wire.
(Also, watch seasons 1, 2, 3, & 5)
Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 6
Indianapolis Colts (8-4) at Cleveland Browns (7-5)
It’s Johnny Manziel’s birthday on Saturday. That should be reason enough not to start the lad on Sunday afternoon. At some stage the Browns will wanna see what they have in Johnny Football but it won’t happen against the Colts with a playoff berth still a relative possibility. Let’s not forget that Brian Hoyer is the only one of the last 20 Browns QBs with a winning record for the team. Let that sink in a sec.
I hope the Colts realise how lucky they are. 13 years of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck for the foreseeable future, all for the price of a single year of Curtis Painter. At least the Browns got a little revenge by unloading Trent Richardson on the unsuspecting Colts.
Ah well, happy birthday, Johnny!
Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 7
Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5) at Cincinnati Bengals (8-3-1)
Right. So here’s my latest effort on the ol’ ESPN Playoff Predictor Machine.
I went back and forth between the Eagles and Cowboys in Philly Week 15. Basically, whoever wins goes through, and the loser misses the playoffs with an 11-5 record. That’s because we have to save a spot for the filth of the NFC South, New Orleans winning it at 8-8 being the best case scenario I found (though I assumed they blow one away, they actually have a great run in, not playing a single winning team. By that I mean they have 3 division games and the Bears). Further ruthless evictions for Pittsburgh and Baltimore, both on 10 wins. I really don’t have a lot of faith in a few of those teams that I have making it, though. Miami I like, but San Diego seem broken. The Bengals are also capable of slipping up, as are the Colts. Detroit and Arizona are vulnerable too.
I guess what I’m saying is, this is gonna be a lot of fun.
Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 3
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-10) at Detroit Lions (8-4)
Here’s a controversial idea: I think Megatron is a dumb nickname.
Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 12
Carolina Panthers (3-8-1) at New Orleans Saints (5-7)
Poor Cam Newton. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Your team sucks, not you!
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 7
Houston Texans (6-6) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10)
An Ode To J.J. Watt
Built like a truck yet faster than a Jag,
He don’t just knock ya down, he gets the full strip-sack
Been slipping past linemen all around the town,
Rushing at the Quart Man, put him on the ground
Strippin’ and sackin’, interceptin’ and a-catchin’
Touchdowns, touchdowns
Ain’t a mortal man can stop him.
Watch your blind side
Watch your back.
J.J. Watt is coming for you.
Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 10
New York Jets (2-10) at Minnesota Vikings (5-7)
Wait… how the hell did the Vikings get to 5 wins!?
Oh, Jeezus they’re gonna be at 6 wins after this week!
Wildcard’s Pick: Vikings by 5
St Louis Rams (5-7) at Washington Pro Football Team (3-9)
Wow, this seems like such a long time ago. The R**skins drafting RG3 second in the 2012 draft. How’s that turning out for ya?
Here’s the funny thing: they drafted him with St Louis’ pick. Everyone knew RG3 was going second, but the Rams were still committed to Sam Bradford at QB. So they traded down, taking offers from the Cleveland Browns before settling with the Skins for their 2012 (6th overall), 2013 (22nd) and 2014 (2nd) first round picks as well as their second rounder that year (39th). Look at what they got in return, and although it was probably a worthy gamble for Washington, this has turned into an all-time fleece job by the Rams.
Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 6
Buffalo Bills (7-5) at Denver Broncos (9-3)
With the Chargers next week and the Bengals the week after, and having just beaten the Chiefs, the Broncos have the potential to ruin 4 consecutive teams’ seasons. That’s supposing that the Chiefs season is actually ruined now, but we’ll get to them soon. Actually, nah, the Broncs are cruising towards the playoffs now and Kyle Orton can’t beat Peyton Manning. So let’s just do it now.
Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 10
Kansas City Chiefs (7-5) at Arizona Cardinals (9-3)
Ok, the Chiefs. One of their last 4 is against the Raiders at home. They lost to them on a Thursday but TNF games are stupid and a lottery. Why play so far ahead of the rest of the schedule? It’s dumb. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, the only reason is for money. It screws the athletes up and causes strange upsets.
Anyway, the other 3 of the last 4 are in San Diego here, at the Steelers and home to the Chargers. Either Alex Smith has to throw some TDs to his wide receivers or the Chiefs are heading out. They’re one of 6 AFC teams at 7-5, with the Chargers at 8 and Texans at 6 wins. Imagine the tiebreakers we’re gonna need if they all level out.
Both of these teams have a couple losses on the trot and now is not the time to forget how to win. Here’s the key factor: Larry Fitzgerald is back for Arizona.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 3
New York Giants (3-9) at Tennessee Titans (2-10)
Rock Bottom. That’s where you are, Giants fans. That’s where you are when you blow a 21-3 half time lead against a one win Jaguars team. Even Eli Manning should be worried about his job after that. The problem with the Giants is that they always bounce back just as you think they’re cornered.
Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 3
San Francisco 49ers (7-5) at Oakland Raiders (1-11)
Wildcard’s Wild Opinion: The San Francisco 49ers will not make the playoffs.
Wildcard’s Not-So-Wild Opinion: Neither will the Raiders.
Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 10
Seattle Seahawks (8-4) at Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
Can somebody remind me why we all went cold on the Seahawks? Because they’ve had a couple injuries? So has everyone. Because they lost a couple games they shouldn’t have? So has everyone. The two best teams in the NFL at this moment, the Packers and Patriots, both had to go into damage control mode after slow starts. The ‘Hawks have lost basically nobody since winning the Superbowl and Russell Wilson… ok he’s down a notch from last season, but he’s still getting it done. The run game and the defence are playing hard once more and I really don’t see why they aren’t getting talked up as repeat Superbowl candidates.
Seattle’s defence should suffocate Philly in all the places that Dallas let them breathe.
Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 4
New England Patriots (9-3) at San Diego Chargers (8-4)
There aren’t too many rules worth sticking to when making NFL picks. But one is that you never go against the Patriots the week after a loss. Not even if they’re playing ‘roid-ed up clones of the ’72 Dolphins.
Or maybe especially if playing them. The world was a different place in 1972. Watergate was starting, the Rolling Stones were in exile (and recording Exile) and Bruce Lee was still alive. I actually had no idea that Bruce Lee had died that long ago (1973), but it sure puts those ancient ads on TV at the moment with him demonstrating a couple moves in black and white into more context.
Regardless, the Pats haven’t lost back to back since week 2-3 of 2012, against the Cardinals (lost by 2) and Ravens (lost by 1). And in week 4 they responded by putting 52 points on the Bills.
Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 3
Atlanta Falcons (5-7) at Green Bay Packers (9-3)
Let’s get this one thing straight. The Falcons may currently be sitting in first place (and thus a playoff spot), but they are by no means a good team.
The Green Bay Packers by every means are. Aaron Rodgers didn’t throw an interception in the entire month of November, and only has three on the year. Compared with THIRTY-TWO touchdown passes! Just give this man the MVP already.
Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 20
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He shot the morning in the back, with his red wings on, he told the sun he'd better go back down, and if he can find a book of matches, he’s goin' to burn this hotel down.