Last Week: 9-7

Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) at Baltimore Ravens (0-1)

9-7 for the first week. Not too bad. Better than the Cowboys usually manage, but probably not enough to sneak into the playoffs. Ask poor Arizona how that feels.

By the way, why do they keep playing the Ray Rice vid on ESPN? Surely that’s one of those things that at least deserves a “look away now if you don’t want to see” or “contains graphic violent imagery”, etc.? I’ll be happy if I never see it again. Oh, and playing on a Thursday night while that drama is still doing the rounds on the regular news media is a scheduling coincidence of the worst order for Baltimore, and it could go one of two ways. One: they rally and win. Two: It ruins their entire season with its dark cloud hanging ominously above.

Wildcard’s Pick: I’ll take the latter. I’m not cheering for an organisation that tried to cover that thing up. No way. Instead I’ll just watch and promote the product of an even bigger organisation that did even more in casually brushing off that egregious affair. I mean, you’ve gotta make a stand somewhere, right? Steelers by 4.

Miami Dolphins (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0)

The Dolphins surprised a lot of people in beating a highly regarded Patriots team last week. Perhaps it wasn’t as big a shock as it seemed.

The Dolphins have done a lot to strengthen their team since narrowly missing the playoffs last year. They look to have drafted well, strengthening the offensive line that saw Ryan Tannehill sacked more than any other QB in 2013. Poor Ryan had more dirt to clean up than Jerry Jones’ PA. Plus they stocked their WR corps (plenty of injury issues there in the past) while bringing in Knowshon Moreno from Denver to run the ball. Moreno didn’t start against the Pats, but he still carried the thing 24 times for 134 yards.

Fun Fact: Knowshon Moreno’s first name is a combination of his parents’ names (Knowledge and Varashon).

Fair to say the Bills OT win over the Bears last week was a bit of an upset. I see it as more of Chicago playing awful than the Bills really earning that one, and when I look ahead at the Bills schedule, sure they’re gonna win a few more somewhere, but I don’t see them as favourites in any game they’ll play.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 9

New Orleans Saints (0-1) at Cleveland Browns (0-1)

Preeeetty disarming how easily Matt Ryan and the Falcons were able to shred this defence. Rob Ryan’s had them going so well but these were shades of his Dallas tenure. Luckily Hoyer and the Browns are a long way off Ryan/Falcons level so this should be a case of another win in the gumbo pot for the Pirates and Gypsies of New Orleans. Argh, she’ll be a-rockin’ down Bourbon Street, m’hearties.

Saints’ll still win this division, by the way - I saw enough from Drew Brees to comfort me.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 13

Detroit Lions (1-0) at Carolina Panthers (1-0)

Umm… what!? Cam Newton’s playing this weekend then, cool. But what’s with the five almost identical answers? I cannot wait to see how the first Carolina offensive possession pans out after that old Ndamukong/Donkey Kong burn. Because in my experiences, that usually ends with being crushed by a barrel, and it’s not like Cam Newton can just regenerate instantly at the bottom of the screen. And who’s Pauline in this metaphor?

The Lions did everything they had to and just a little bit more in beating the Giants. They brought pressure and coverage on defence and they rained hell on offence. Derek Anderson’s performance in place of Cam last week was a great story given where he’s been in his career, though I think it’s interesting that he had success as a pocket passer, while Cam’s biggest asset is his mobility. It’s a much different task for the Carolina offence this week.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions by 4

Atlanta Falcons (1-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-0)

Oooh. Match of the round?

Both of these teams had big, late plays to get by major division rivals. Both have had their share of critics for not getting over the line in the playoffs. They’re both also going to be in a dogfight for playoff spots and getting off to an early start could be the boost they need. The Falcons have a tough schedule, finishing with the Packers (A), Steelers, Saints (A) and Panthers, though things look easier at the top end. However Cincy at home could prove too much. The duel between Julio Jones and AJ Green is worth the price of admission (/NFL GamePass (/potentially virus-harbouring illegal streaming sites)) alone.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 2

Dallas Cowboys (0-1) at Tennessee Titans (1-0)

Jake Locker is back and he looked good. Tony Romo is back and he looked like he’ll be hogging the ice baths for a while. There’s no way he’s 100% and there’s no way that the almost imaginary preseason that they gave him worked in his favour. The good news is that even if he were in midseason form, the ‘Boys still woulda lost to San Francisco (even if the big blue stars in my eyes meant I still picked them…), so in a way, this was his last preseason game.

Look, the Titans new-look defence was mighty impressive against KC, but no defence in the league other than Seattle’s scares me off completely with Romo/Witten/Bryant and an improved offensive line. It’s teams that’ll score on the Cowboys that frighten me. I don’t think Tennessee fits that bill.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 4

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) at Washington Pro Football Team (0-1)

“Washington Redskins Blues”

By Dan Snyder and The Ghost of ‘Lone Star’ Dietz

Well I ate ham and eggs for breakfast,

Paid for it in cash

Mmm, yeah I had ham and eggs for breakfast this morning,

Paid for it in cash.

Oh, they tell me my team name is racist but, boys, see

I ain’t convinced 'bout that.

Now I know we ain’t won a thing for years, but

I’m rich and white and I don’t care

Yeah I know we ain’t won a damn thing for years now

But I’m rich and white and I don’t care

See I’ve got them old time stealin’

Scrooge McDuck feelin’

Quarterback reelin’

Trouble concealin’

Fan double dealin’

Washington Redskins Blues…

Wildcard’s Pick: WPFT by 6

New England Patriots (0-1) at Minnesota Vikings (1-0)

You know Tom Brady had the worst completion percentage among starters in week 1? I don’t even know what to make of that. To be fair, he struggled at the start of last season too but came good by the end to lead his team to the AFC Championship Game (where he lost to Peyton Manning and the Broncos). What I’m more worried about is the seeming ease at which the Dolphins ran all over the Pats. With Vince Wilfork back, this was supposed to be a much better defensive line… and this week they face Adrian Peterson.

There’s no reason to go sheets to the wind and leave these 2014 Patriots as far behind you as you can. They’ll still cruise into the playoffs – they always do. And I know better than to write off Brady/Belichick after a loss. I do like Minnesota as a 2014 dark horse though.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 4

Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at New York Giants (0-1)

Among life’s greatest conundrums:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
If a tree falls in the woods and there’s nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Does Eli Manning suck or does everyone else around him suck?

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 7

Seattle Seahawks (1-0) at San Diego Chargers (0-1)

Earl Thomas reckons that the Seahawks have a bit of James Brown about them. A bit of funk, a bit of soul… a whole lot of hard work. I like it. Here are some other musical/NFL comparisons:

New England Patriots = The Rolling Stones. Been around for a long time. Once brilliant. Haven’t won anything for a while but still cashing in.

New York Giants = Kanye West. Some questionable decisions, sure, yet always seems to come through when it matters.

Oakland Raiders = KISS. Terrible, nowhere near as tough as they look. Their fans dress up like idiots.

St Louis Rams = BB King. Coz they got the blues…

Buffalo Bills = Nirvana. They were great for a while in the early 90s, but it ended in tragedy.

Pittsburgh Steelers = Bruce Springsteen. They’ve been contending for as long as you can remember, and keep on doing so. We’ve learned better than to ever write them off. (I know, Bruce shoulda been Philly, but it just didn’t fit…)

Dallas Cowboys = Elvis Presley. An undeniably legendary brand. The early stuff was outstanding, but increasingly poor decisions led to ever-diminishing quality. But the commercial side’s as strong as ever.

Tweet us @thenichecache if you’ve got more/better.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 3

St Louis Rams (0-1) at Tampa Bay Buccanneers (0-1)

The Rams are doomed, the Buccs may be too. Tampa have a lot of work to do to convince those poor suckers (of which I am thankfully not one) that thought they could be an outside playoff hope not to jump. Josh McCown? Pfft.

Meanwhile the Rams are likely gonna find themselves with a top 3 pick and they may just decide to spend it on a new quarterback. Poor ol’ Sam Bradford, left out in the cold…

Wildcard’s Pick: Buccs by 4.

New York Jets (1-0) at Green Bay Packers (0-1)

Last week was a false start for the Packers. Obviously they had to lose, playing away to Seattle in the opener. This is where we start to see the team that they can be. Geno Smith had the best completion percentage in the league last week so it’s all downhill from here for their opponents, Los Jets. (Seriously, I’d start Michael Vick and let Geno craft his trade a little more. Vick’ll get injured soon anyway and then what’s the use?).

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 14

Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) at Denver Broncos (1-0)

If the Chiefs thought that what happened against Tennessee was bad, they’ve got another thing coming. The Broncos were one of only 3 teams to put more than 26 points on the Chiefs last season (both they and San Diego did it twice) and if Alex Smith is getting intercepted then there’s trouble a-brewin’...

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 13

New York Jets (1-0) at Green Bay Packers (0-1)

Last week was a false start for the Packers. Obviously they had to lose, playing away to Seattle in the opener. This is where we start to see the team that they can be. Geno Smith had the best completion percentage in the league last week so it’s all downhill from here for their opponents, Los Jets. (Seriously, I’d start Michael Vick and let Geno craft his trade a little more. Vick’ll get injured soon anyway and then what’s the use?).

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 14

Houston Texans (1-0) at Oakland Raiders (0-1)

Call it the Schaubbowl, though the man himself will probably be nowhere to be seen. Houston did enough to show they’ve moved on from last year’s misery by getting the biscuits against Washington albeit probably not enough to win back any bandwagoners. After they year they just had, the fans’ll take any win they can. It sucks that Jadaveon Clowney’s out but they won’t need him against Oakland. There is a zero percent chance that the Raiders finish above .500.

Zero percent.

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 10

Chicago Bears (0-1) at San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

The Bears will bounce back. What they did against Buffalo may have had the neutrals clambering for the exits of the Bears Bandwagon, but that was clearly them on a bad day and not what we’re gonna get from them every outing. Thankfully too, because Cutler was BAAAD.

This week they get a 49ers team that never had to get out of first gear to beat the Cowboys. Will their defence hold up without the missing personnel? Is Colin Kaepernick ready to challenge the best of them? We don’t know, week 1 taught us nothing. I think the Bears cover the spread but fall short of victory.

Wildcard’s Pick: 49ers by 3

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

Is it too soon to say that the Eagles have already clinched the NFC East? Yeah, probably. But they’re clearly gonna run away with it. Nick Foles showed a little regression to the mean against Jacksonville (he even turned the ball over!) while the Colts lack of pass rush gave Peyton Manning all the invitation he didn’t already need. Both sides should find themselves in the playoffs based on their weak divisions more than anything, yet each has their own weaknesses. It’s the Eagles that I see as more of a Superbowl chance, although you get the feeling that with Chip Kelly’s famously rapid fire offence, they could have trouble in this game. If you let Andrew Luck have time on the field, he WILL destroy you. Ruthlessly and efficiently. Expect at least 50 points in this one.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 6

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He spends his free-time reading books about government conspiracies while huddled up in a dark corner with aluminium foil on his head. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT WATCHING YOU!