Last Season: 170-85-1

Pittsburgh Steelers (0-0) at New England Patriots (0-0)

Another year and another point to prove. Not only for myself, but also for that Tom Brady fella. Did he deflate those footballs? Of course he did. Did he deserve the four game ban? Probably not. But goddammit, it’s not bloody fair for us fans of those teams he now gets to play against to have gone through pre-season thinking we’d get Jimmy Bloody Garoppolo and now we find we’ve got Tommy B after all. I’d blame Goodell, but the Bostonites got there first, so I’m blaming them instead. Jerks. I always hated Family Guy.

For some context, there are 38 players currently suspended by the league for this or that. 22 of them are on teams. Here is that list of players:

Bobby Massie (Cardinals) – 1 game
Marcell Dareus (Bills) – 1 game
Jeremiah Ratliff (Bears) – 3 games
Greg Hardy (Cowboys) – 4 games
Rolando McClain (Cowboys) – 4 games
T.J. Ward (Broncos) – 1 game
Derek Wolfe (Broncos) – 4 games
Letroy Guion (Packers) – 3 games
Datone Jones (Packers) – 1 game
Sean Smith (Chiefs) – 3 games
Jabari Price (Vikings) – 2 games
LeGarrette Blount (Patriots) – 1 game
Oday Aboushi (Jets) – 1 game
Sheldon Richardson (Jets) – 4 games
Le’Veon Bell (Steelers) – 2 games
Martavis Bryant (Steelers) – 4 games
Trey Watts (Rams) – 4 games
Antonio Gates (Chargers) – 4 games
Craig Watts (Chargers) – 2 games
Jerome Simpson (49ers) – 6 games
Akeem Spence (Buccaneers) – 1 game
Bashaud Breeland (WPFT) – 1 game

And then we have:

Tom Brady (Patriots) – 0 games for being a smartass with expensive lawyers.

You can make up your own mind as to how fair the severity of some of those bans are. It’s not even including Browns WR Josh Gordon either, who’s banned for the season for repeatedly failing to learn his lesson. Same goes for Miami DE Dion Jordan and his PED snaps. There are probably more, but the point’s been made. NFL players live by a different rulebook and that rulebook changes from case to case.

Quick squizz through that list again and you’ll notice a couple names that won’t be playing this game. Le’Veon Bell and Martavis Bryant. (LeGarrette Blount for NE too, but let’s be honest, the Pats don’t rely on one running back like most teams). That’s gonna prove the difference here, sadly.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots edge it in a high scorer. A late touchdown the difference.

Indianapolis Colts (0-0) at Buffalo Bills (0-0)

The first games of the new season are always tricky to pick. You never know which off-season moves were the right ones and which are gonna explode in a team’s collective face. For example, it’s hard to say that getting Shady McCoy is a bad thing, but what about starting Tyrod Taylor at QB? Hands up if you’d heard of him before pre-season (Bills fans not included)…

…

Yeah, I thought so. Me neither, to be perfectly honest. In my Pre-Season QB Rankings, I had Matt Cassel pencilled in as the starter and I figured he was battling with E.J. Manuel. Apparently there was a hidden threat…

Taylor’s a sixth round draft pick in 2011 with the Ravens now in his first season with Buffalo. Granted, that does make him a Super Bowl Champion. Also, he was projected as a receiver in the pros out of college. Taylor’s a guy with an average arm but good legs. The concerns come from his accuracy (around 57% completion in college) but in the exhibition stuff last month he threw 77%. Best case scenario would be a Russell Wilson comparison. Worst… probably that guy sitting on the bench behind him, Mr Manuel.

Anyway. Love what the Bills could offer this season but how can you go past Andrew Luck’s Colts now that they have all that extra offensive depth around him? Can’t pick an unproven QB against a Super Bowl contender, sorry ‘bout that.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 5

Cleveland Browns (0-0) at New York Jets (0-0)

Browns vs Jets. The game in which the two most luckless franchises in the NFL (the concept of luck in this case not tied to performance – there’s a difference between unlucky (Browns & Jets), useless (Raiders & Jaguars) and completely hapless (R**skins)) battle it out to see which of them can commit the fewest turnovers, obtain the least number of injuries and cause the smallest quantity of fans to hurl half-empty (or half-full if you’re a neutral) beer bottles at their own televisions/computers in sheer frustration.

Wildcard’s Pick: I s’pose I’d better take the Jets. Everyone will be at the tennis anyway so that oughta ease the pressure.

Carolina Panthers (0-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-0)

It’s nice, this time of the season, right? When everyone still has those zeros by their names? Well, Jacksonville will probably get to keep one of theirs for a few weeks yet. Bortles may or may not be a worthy playmaker but either way it’s gonna be a looong season. At least the Panthers will take it to December before their dreams are all shattered.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 10

Green Bay Packers (0-0) at Chicago Bears (0-0)

It’s the oldest rivalry in football, so they say…

I love that kinda history, it’s stuff like that which makes sport so meaningful to us. Except that old doesn’t necessarily mean good. Wine gets better age. So do whiskey and cheese. But most things just get spoiled if you don’t give them a regular tune up. Not sure if you can say that in this case though, because all Aaron Rodgers ever does against the Bears is give them a good old tune up.

11 wins in 14 games, 3448 yards at 68.9% comp. 31 TDs and 8 INTs. A quarterback rating of 109.

Honestly, he’s two games away from completing an MVP-worthy season against the Bears alone. (He’s also 10-2 vs Detroit and 10-4 vs Minnesota, guts to the NFC North). The scary thing is that Rodgers has 12 other teams against whom he has an even better career QBR!

Wildcard’s Pick: Jordy Schmordy, the Packers are gonna crush ‘em as usual.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-0) at Houston Texans (0-0)

I stopped watching Hard Knocks at the third episode when I couldn’t find a decent link under 1080p. Come on, we only have so much bandwidth to spare, people. Also because I was enjoying Mad Men more, to be honest. But the odd thing about that show is that it should make you more sympathetic with a team, and it does, except that it also did its bit to turn me off the prospects of Brian Hoyer at RB and they played the Arian Foster thing as such a tragedy that it’s hard for me to lean on the Texans at all now despite how many tyres J.J. Watt can flip. I also don’t know if coach Bill O’Brien is worth all that much either after a couple episodes of him swearing angrily. Like, you’re in control here, buddy, quit getting annoyed and do something productive. I’m not sure why teams keep agreeing to the cameras, really.

As for the Chiefs, they’re the opposite of a reality TV team. They’ve crept perfectly under the radar with some clever free agent buys (Jeremy Maclin coming off a career year – though that’s generally not the best time to get a fella) and they should be disappointed if they can’t squeeze into the playoffs. I’m figuring the Bengals to drop out of the posts, although it’s a tight squeeze at the top of the AFC. Pats, Broncs, Steelers and Ravens look easy bets and the Fins, Bills and Chargers oughta be in the running too. Just gotta beat ‘em all head to head, I guess. (KC play all those teams except the Patriots and Dolphins).

Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 2 because they’re still the Chiefs

Miami Dolphins (0-0) at Washington Professional Football Team (0-0)

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by plenty, and with a +2 turnover count.

Seattle Seahawks (0-0) at St Louis Rams (0-0)

DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap] - DE-FENCE - [clap-clap-clap].

Wildcard’s Pick: Few points in it, just like the ‘Hawks like it. Rams won’t be able to get the hard yards to win this one.

Detroit Lions (0-0) at San Diego Chargers (0-0)

I know people think the Lions are gonna take a step back but I’m not so sure myself. Losing Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley is a blow but they look to have found a proper running back in Ameer Abdullah (second string for now but he’ll get his touches) and the Calvin Johnson/Golden Tate combo is massive. Plus the Chargers have lost a few names themselves, specifically with Antonio Gates’ 4-game suspension. There’s uncertainty in San Diego about the future of this team – it could be their last year in the town – and there’s enough uncertainty in that offensive line for Detroit to be a hassle without Suh & Fairley. Like, Ziggy Ansah, for example. It’s an upset on the road but gimme some Stafford for the win.

Wildcard’s Pick: Detroit Lions win by 6

New Orleans Saints (0-0) at Arizona Cardinals (0-0)

The Saints against the Cardinals, it’s a very religious match-up, isn’t it?

Shouldst thine Saintly quarterback Brees deign to stay upon his feet with the assistance of his line of offence then the pious men of Orleans shall giveth themselves every opportunity. But the Lord shall shine his light upon the team with the defence most capable of taking the ball away. Thou shalt not steal but thou may intercept. A healthy Carson Palmer doth bring hope of his own and two finer coaches shall not be easily found. Still, blessed are the meek and of course…

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals seem just that little bit tougher. Both teams should be around 7-9 wins by the end.

Baltimore Ravens (0-0) at Denver Broncos (0-0)

Remember Peyton Manning’s first year in Denver when this happened?

If the Broncs had a decent secondary there they’d have won that game and history might be different. This was the year that the Ravens went on to win. The beat the Patriots to win the AFC and then outlasted the 49ers in that famous goal-line stand at the end, Ray Lewis’ last game. Without that ring, Joe Flacco’s reputation would take a hit and Peyton might just have won that ring for himself (one ring to rule them all…). Denver then went on to get pasted in the Super Bowl by Seattle the next season and last time out they fell to Andy Luck and his Brave Colts.

It’s tempting to say the championship window has closed based on the end to last season but I don’t think you can count the Broncos out so soon. In fact, I’d have them, Green Bay and Indianapolis as the favourites. Seattle are due a slip up and New England… well, it’ll be nice for everyone if they exit bright and early in the playoffs.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos 27-21

Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) at Oakland Raiders (0-0)

If there’s one thing the Oakland Raiders are good at, it’s marketing. Nobody sells snapbacks like the Raiders, you walk down a busy street in a major city anywhere in the western world and you’ll see one. Probably a fifteen year old white kid walking out of the theatres after seeing Straight Outta Compton. Conversely, if there’s one thing the Oakland Raiders are not good at (and there’s definitely more than one) then it’s playing football.

You get the plan they’re trying for. It’s not a Philly 76ers style tanking but there’s been some spring cleaning. And with the likes of Derek Carr, Amari Cooper and Khalil Mack – all recent draft picks – you can see the eventual image emerging on the canvas. But this is a long term thing and it’s not like they struck on Andrew Luck. Carr’s pretty freakin’ raw and while they should be better in 2015, it’s veeeery hard to see them beating any team that’s inarguably better than them. Coincidentally, beating teams worse than themselves is something the Bengals are quite good at.

Am I picking too many road teams?

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 6

Tennessee Titans (0-0) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-0)

Modern Day Pirate Power Rankings:

Keith Richards
Pirate Bay
Pittsburgh Pirates
Yosemite Sam
The Bloke in the Picture Frame at the start of the Spongebob Intro
Johnny Depp
That Guy from Dodgeball (Steve, his name was)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Wildcard’s Pick: Mariota > Winston; Titans > Buccs

New York Giants (0-0) at Dallas Cowboys (0-0)

Ah, my favourite personal rivalry! I’m not really sure what to think of my Cowboys this season. The running back committee thing is a genuine unknown. Tony Romo’s continued health is a toss of a coin (his back is a piece of straw away from snapping and making me cry my own tears). As for the defence… hey I’m actually pretty confident there for the first time in ages. Sean Lee is the forgotten man, he’ll sure up that middle and there are a few youngsters ready to make an impact (Demarcus Lawrence, you heard it here first). It’ll all be better when Greg Hardy and Rolando McClain are back but for now the offence should be enough to outshoot the Giants. Jason Pierre-Paul is the only one who scares me there (Dez > Odell) and he won’t be playing because he blew his hand up on a firecracker. My single worry is an illogical one: The Giants are a backs-against-the-wall team. When they’re written off, they’re at their best.

The ‘Boys secondary might be a worry, too.

Wildcard’s Pick: D-A-L-L-A-S

Philadelphia Eagles (0-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-0)

Oooh boy. The first Monday nighter of the new season and it’s a fascinating one. Both of these teams have undergone some drastic changes to try get back to where they’ve been in the not-quite-that-distant past, the Eagles makeover was already in the cards from last year, the Falcons are still in the nascent stages.

Let’s look at the Falcons first. They’ve sacked Mike Smith for being a terrible coach (and yet the winningest coach in ATL history, though 10-22 in the last 2 years) and brought in Dan Quinn. Quinn came over from the Seahawks where he’d overseen the makings of the best defence in the NFL and he joins a team whose defensive problems have been more than noticeable for a while now. A coach can’t do it alone though, so they drafted Vic Beasley in the first round – probably the pool’s best pass rusher in his DE position – added linebackers Justin Durant and O’Brien Schofield in free agency and are expecting solid things from Adrian Clayborn after the former Bucc missed most of last season with injury. The second-fewest sacks (22) in 2014, you can figure that to improve mightily. On the other side of the ball, Matt Ryan and Julio Jones are a priceless (but not cheap) QB/WR combo but the team’s success will probably depend on the O-Line doing their job much better and on their finding some semblance of a running game after letting Steven Jackson slide on outta town.

The Falcons aren’t betting on immediate contender status though. They’ll be happy to see a few extra wins and some ironing out of those blatant weaknesses. The Eagles, they’re definitely planning on a long season. You don’t make the dramatic changes they’ve made unless you’re gonna tank or you’re want to go all the way. These are All In moves, swapping Foles for Bradford, bringing in DeMarco Murray and shipping out LeSean McCoy. Chip Kelly’s second season comes with real expectations.

Nobody plays like the Eagles (not yet, anyway) and that’s an advantage for them every week. They have a powerful front seven and that could mean havoc for the Falcons offence. Matty Ice can keep them in it for three quarters but Philly have too many points in them. Especially while DeMarco Murray is healthy (he’s the joker in the pack, 2014 was his first full season in the league and the Cowboys were always tied to how well and often they could use his yards).

Wildcard’s Pick: Eagles by 7, with at least a couple TDs for each side.

Minnesota Vikings (0-0) at San Francisco 49ers (0-0)

A Guide to the NFL for Australians:

Possessions are based on downs, it’s a lot like tackles in a rugby league set.
Conversions are called Point After Touchdowns (PATs). They’re worth 1 points, touchdowns are worth 6.
You’re allowed to throw the ball forward.
The clock starts and stops all the time, don’t be alarmed.
Different players play on offence and on defence.
Yes, they wear pads. They also lower their heads into collisions because they assume their helmets are fool proof.
No, the commentators probably don’t know the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League. But you don’t know the difference between American Football and Canadian Football either.
You’re probably all Niners fans now, but just be aware there’s a genuine chance the team sucks bad this season. Hey, jump on youtube instead. Educate yourselves on the legacies of Joe Montana and Steve Young.
Don’t be upset if Jarryd Hayne doesn’t play this game. At gunpoint, I’d guess he will. But he might not.

Wildcard’s Pick: Minny Vikes, ain’t no stopping Adrian Peterson in this game.

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. After a promising trial with Yahoo Sports, during which he scored one exclusive interview though mostly struggled to get player access, he was signed to the ESPN practice squad in his rookie year. He was then claimed by Bleacher Report midway through to cover for injuries (mostly writer’s cramp) and was involved in a couple of highlight reel articles before being traded to The Niche Cache where he currently still works.