The Wildcard’s NFL Predictions - Week 6
Last Week: 6-8
Season: 46-31
Philadelphia Eagles (4-1) at Carolina Panthers (4-1)
Friday 1.25pm NZT
And here we are, five weeks down, staring at a Thursday night clash between the Eagles and Panthers, neither team making the playoffs last season, wondering if this isn’t gonna be the game of the round.
You already know why the Eagles have got it going. From Carson Wentz to the running game to a defensive unit that’s been able to turn the ball over just enough to make it matter. They’re middle of the road in points conceded and have leaked the ninth most yards but they keep opposition teams off the field and score enough themselves to dominate. Fourth most yards per play against them however. That might matter against Cam Newton.
Because I don’t know if you heard but SUPER CAM IS BACK!
- Cam Newton vs New England, Wk 4: 22/29 ATT | 316 YDS | 3 TD | 1 INT | 130.8 RATE
- Cam Newton vs Detroit, Wk 5: 26/33 ATT | 355 YDS | 3 TD | 0 INT | 141.8 RATE
Need I add that both of those were road wins as well? This is Cam Newton back in his MVP form… guts about the yoghurt sponsorship though. Guess you shoulda not been a dumbass, Cammy Boy. That sponsorship’s Dak’s now (did they specifically go for the next best black quarterback or am I (and several others) reading too much into that?).
By the way, the Panthers aren’t too shabby around him either. It matters that Kurt Coleman won’t be playing here but while the Eagles give up 6.0 y/p, fourth most, the Panthers are giving up 4.8 y/p: fourth best.
Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 6
Chicago Bears (1-4) at Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Yeah… sorry. I though Mitch Trubisky was crap. It’s nice seeing a young quarterback getting his overdue chance but all this talk about him taking them into the future is pretty presumptuous. The dude threw 128 yards at worse than 50% completion and he fumbled one ball while throwing another awful pick that cost them the game. The touchdown he did throw came from a dropped interception in the endzone and the Bears’ other score came from a trick play on a punt formation. What did Trubisky do that was so flattering? If Blake Bortles plays that exact same game he gets shredded. Heck, Mike Glennon got shredded for a lot better by the same fans.
I guess it just helps sometimes to see your 1-4 team show a little risk and ambition. To be fair to Trubitsky he has zero decent WRs to work with and other than Jordan Howard there’s not much else to work with there either. Oh mate but that two-point conversion they pulled out? Brilliant.
I always wonder when it gets to lateral time why teams can’t line up in a rugby type arrowhead formation and go through the hands backwards for the eventual touchdown. Chicago hosted an All Blacks game a couple years ago, no excuses.
The Ravens have a decent schedule, you know. They lost to the Steelers and got thrashed by JAX in London, which was tough. Other than that though they beat an unexpectedly awful Bengals team, took care of the Browns and comfortably stomped on the Raiders without Derek Carr. Already that’s two games that’ve broken well for them. Next up it’s this one, followed by a trip to Minnesota which is definitely winnable, if a lot harder, before they host Miami. After that it’s off to Tennessee who should have Marcus Mariota back by then – he should be back this week – but you never know. Clearly it’ll get harder down the back end by they could be 7-2 by the time they play the Packers in Wisconsin. With the Steelers going through their own things and the Bengals starting from way back it’d be hard to blow the division from there.
Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 10
Green Bay Packers (4-1) at Minnesota Vikings (3-2)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Aaron Rodgers isn’t fair. Less than eighty seconds on the clock, down by three and you already know he’s gonna score the winning TD, forget about the field goal to force overtime. Third & 8 with a dude bringing pressure on his blindside and he just skips out, breaks two tackles, and busts down the sideline for the first down. He misses one throw towards the left corner, corrects himself on the next one for victory. It’s so damned simple for him.
In another world Aaron Rodgers would be one of my favourite athletes on the planet. The only thing keeping him from such esteemed status is the fact that I’m so utterly sick of copping losses to him. Last week’s Cowboys slip-up (I know it goes against everything they teach but I really wanted to see Dak take the slide a yard or two short – they could run the clock way down, burn that GB timeout and still score the way Zeke was running in that fourth quarter) was the latest in a long line…
- That time Dez Bryant had the catch/no catch in the playoffs
- That time with the legendary Jared Cook playoff catch back last season (don’t forget the Mason Crosby 51 yarder for the win either)
- That time Dallas were 26-3 up at half-time only for Matt Flynn to lead a comeback with 4 TDs and Eddie Lacy to walk in the winner inside the two-minute warning.
- That time Matt Cassel had to start for Dallas
- That time Rodgers threw three TDs and Jon Kitna threw a pick six in a 45-7 GB win
One of those wasn’t actually Rodgers – whatever happened to Matt Flynn? He’ll probably get another job before Colin Kaepernick does – but it may as well have been. It hurt the same. The first four of those games are all within the last five years. The Kitna game was in 2009 but that one was seriously humiliating so I counted it anyway. Bloody Packer scum.
Speaking of Colin Kaepernick…
Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 3
San Francisco 49ers (0-5) at Washington R*dskins (2-2)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Yup, about time. That’ll teach those meddling Niners with their knees and their fists, upsetting the Vice President and everything. At least now the NFL is acknowledging the folks that risk their life for the Empire… taking a knee, honestly. How utterly offensive! Gosh, aren’t we all just so offended! Let’s all take a second away from murdering the last jedis to tweet about how offended we are!
Wildcard’s Pick: R*dskins by 6
Detroit Lions (3-2) at New Orleans Saints (2-2)
Monday 6.00am NZT
I don’t even know how I did so badly last week. Six right, eight wrong. Obviously Ben Roethlisberger screwed me. So did Eli Manning. Dunno how the Titans managed to lose and the Rams really buggered that one up too. Fumbled it, so to speak. Aaron Rodgers is a wanker. That gamble on Mitch Trubitsky didn’t go so well for me either. Bit of a dumpster fire, all up.
Man, that’s kinda depressing. Need a little something to pick me up after that. Get a bit of buzz going again, some energy. My picks are dragging. Gotta get that fix…
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 3
Miami Dolphins (2-2) at Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Yo, that dude was an assistant coach for an NFL team in Florida, what did you expect? Man I’m just impressed he’s in his mid-50s and still marching it, the 80s were a long time ago.
Unfortunately that’s not even the biggest problem with the Dolphins – hell, to be honest it’s barely even a problem at all other than the bad PR and whatever life stuff the bloke was snorting through – because Adam Gase, a well-respected offensive mastermind, is quickly tearing them to shreds. In the space of a few more days he’s seen his team beat the Titans despite the horrid play of Jay Cutler, which Gase had already shrugged off saying they ain’t taking public polls on who oughta start at QB, while Matt Moore sits on the bench then he had his line coach resign for doin’ lines and then he and his owner emphatically told their players that if you don’t stand then you don’t play. How many headlines are too many headlines? They’re so lucky that Marcus Mariota was hurt, honestly.
Matt Moore’s not even that bad, bro. I wanna see Matt Moore. But instead a nicely rested Falcons team are probably gonna roll the jokers.
Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 13
Cleveland Browns (0-5) at Houston Texans (2-3)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Did you know JJ Watt got injured? You didn’t hear that he hurt his leg? You didn’t watch that game and see the cutaways to the waiting ambulance every two minutes? God, like, best of luck to the bloke because no injury is kind and Watt was, for a few years, the best player in the NFL, but… seriously, chill. I’m surprised they didn’t get the new choppers out and follow him to the hospital.
We’ve got two rookie quarterbacks here, two very different situations though. The Texans have everything they needed around him and still made the playoffs with Tom Savage last year and sort of expected to do the same this time around only for Watto to emerge from nowhere (not nowhere) to do what he’s done. I said last week he was due a set-back game against the Chiefs and I was right. 16/31 passing in an eight–point loss. Yeah… but he still threw five touchdown passes. Only Matt Stafford and Jameis Winston have ever thrown five touchdowns in a game as a rookie.
- Deshaun Watson’s last two games: 41/65 ATT | 544 YDS | 9 TD | 1 INT | 122.7 RATE
- DeShone Kizer’s full five games: 81/159 ATT | 851 YDS | 3 TD | 9 INT | 49.5 RATE
Now, I didn’t think they could really drop Kizer without putting the spotlight on him and right now there’s no pressure despite the stats because the Browns are the Browns and nobody cares. Not even in Cleveland with the Indians in the playoffs and the Cavs about to start up again. But they did anyway, so guts bro. Hopefully that Hogan lad is terrible. I don’t see why they didn’t fake a slight injury for him and say he’ll miss the next three weeks. Take a break, reassess, and then get back into it with a fresh perspective. If Kizer throws 30 interceptions this year then they’re ruined him.
Quick shout out to Myles Garrett too, first overall pick making his NFL debut and he got a sack on his first play. Signs of life with the Browns? Surely not.
Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 16
New England Patriots (3-2) at New York Jets (3-2)
Monday 6.00am NZT
Haha, the Jets! The Jets won again! The Jets are never gonna lose another game at this rate! Say, guess who’s top of the AFC East… IT’S THE JETS! (Well, tied top anyway. Technically second because the Bills have the tiebreaker so far but this early on we don’t need to worry about tiebreakers).
Lap it up because they’re playing the Patriots and Tom Brady has won 23 of 30 games against Jets including 11 of the last 13 and he whupped them 41-3 last time they played and even though his team only won last week because Nick Folk went completely method actor on his Ray Finkle impersonation I still can’t really be bothered riding the wave any longer. Wwwwwipeout. Unless the Jets win, then I promise I’ll write their path to the Super Bowl next week.
Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 14
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2) at Arizona Cardinals (2-3)
Monday 9.05am NZT
Ah, speak of the devil, aye? Let’s recap Nick Folk’s last seven field goal attempts:
- NYG / 2Q / Winning 13-0: Missed from 46 yards
- NYG / 2Q / Winning 13-10: Made from 20 yards
- NYG / 3Q / Winning 16-10: Missed from 49 yards
- NYG / 4Q / Losing 23-22: Made from 34 yards
- NWE / 2Q / Losing 13-7: Missed from 56 yards
- NWE / 4Q / Losing 16-7: Missed from 49 yards
- NWE / 4Q / Losing 16-7: Missed from 31 yards
He also missed a point-after against the Giants which would’ve mattered what with the Buccs down by one when Folk hit the game-winner there. Good for him, that winning FG saved his job for another week so that he could humiliate himself there. Only that 31 yarder was a proper bad miss, the others were all 46+ but then while you can get away with missing a few from deep, you have to be able to make some of them. So the Folkster is done in Tampa after only four games (and he was perfect in the first two).
It’s all part of the curse. The Buccs did a stupid thing in trading up to draft kicker Robert Aguayo in 2016. IN THE SECOND ROUND! They spent a second round pick on a bloody kicker, who does that? Granted, the Buccaneers have a long history of fluffing field goals. Up to the current date they have the worst field goal percentage since 2013 of every team (74.1%), having strolled through a new kicker in every one of those seasons. Aguayo was supposed to be the end of that but he only made 22 of his 31 FGs as a rookie, got cut and became a Bear, then got cut again. One more disaster in a long list of them.
Guess what Dan Bailey, Justin Tucker, Chris Boswell, Robbie Gould, Matt Bryant and Adam Vinatieri all have in common? All great kickers who went undrafted. You can get a kicker for free, man. I can’t believe a team had to learn that lesson again so recently.
Yeah so Adrian Peterson’s a Cardinal now, traded from the Saints for nothing in particular. Which is about what he did in New Orleans with 27 rushes for 81 yards. Hasn’t scored a touchdown since the last game of the 2015 regular season but perhaps he’ll fit better in Arizona. Or maybe their terrible line will mean more of the same. Also, the Cardinals now have a 37 year old quarterback, a 34 year old wide receiver and a 32 year old running back. And a 65 year old head coach. We’ll see how this one goes.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 2
Los Angeles Rams (3-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
Monday 9.05am NZT
I’m getting bored of these righteous humble-brag team account tweets calling out the buggers that didn’t pick them ahead of their big upset win. Mate, you think picking results is easy!? You think these visions come easy or that they’re picking against you out of spite? I picked the Steelers to, everybody picked the Steelers. Because why in the hell would you take Blake Bortles over Ben Roethlisberger, seriously? Okay… in hindsight there are five intercepted reasons there but the Jags lot to the Jets the week before and they think people are gonna back them in Pittsburgh the next? Bugger off.
Now there’s a team tweet I can get behind. Hmm…
- Legion of Boom?
- Greatest Show on Turf?
- Steel Curtain?
- Purple People Eaters?
- Dirty Birds?
I dunno, this is harder than I thought it’d be… jokes, the answer is The Jaxon Five. No debate.
Okay so the Jags won last week and the Rams lost and both of those results need some context. The Jags game against Pittsburgh was insane. More on Big Ben later but the Jaguars, as we now know, have a magnificent secondary and a pretty strong defence on the whole. They have this Leonard Fournette lad at running back who brings some serious punch in that position and then they have Bort. Quarterback Bort, who threw the ball fourteen times compared to Roethlisberger’s 55 attempts. That stat alone is hilarious. Benny had five picks while Bort had eight total completions. Benny had 103 passing yards to the Jacksonville secondary while Bort only had 95 to his own receivers. But the Jaguars won by 21 points.
Honestly, all the Steelers had to do was not throw five interceptions (ideally not throw any interceptions) and they woulda won that. Bort can’t win games on his own. He handed the ball off on 19 occasions in the fourth quarter and attempted zero passes. You can take that 5-0 record and bury it in the sand, Alex Smith, because THIS is what they call GAME MANAGEMENT, amigo!
Leonard Fournette only had 42 yards on 15 carries in the first three quarters. Even after he bagged 139 in the fourth there, 90 of them came on one run. Take that out and he had another 49 from 12 rushes. Much better considering he was running against a defence stacking the middle – Bort’s reputation is well known – but before that 90 yarder he was averaging 3.48 yards per rush for the season. Not saying he isn’t a real talent, just saying that in the same way that Deshaun Watson is not better than Dak Prescott after one good game, Fournette is not better than Ezekiel Elliott after one fantastic run.
And then we have the Rams, out there reminding us that for all the strides they’ve made they’re still a young team making young team mistakes. The Seahawks defence is for real. They have been for ages and despite all the chatter that they’re back now they never really went away. But they are playing seriously well right now. Having said that, they beat the Rams by six points, 16-10, in a game where LAR turned the ball over five times. As incredible as Earl Thomas was, Todd Gurley still fumbled at the pylon. Goff threw two picks and lost another fumble. Tavon Austin fumbled.
Here’s the thing with that, too: Gurley fumbled at the one-yard line. Greg Zuerlein missed a 36 yard field goal. Goff was picked off throwing on a third & 20 from the 25, having already been sacked for ten lost yards on first down. Three trips to the Seattle danger zone wasted in a game they lost by less than a converted touchdown.
Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 3
Los Angeles Chargers (1-4) at Oakland Raiders (2-3)
Monday 9.25am NZT
Derek Carr is playing!
Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 1
Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) at Kansas City Chiefs (5-0)
Monday 9.25am NZT
Big Ben threw five picks against the Jags. Five of them. That’s the first five-pick day in his career and he didn’t even have a touchdown to take the edge off it. To be fair to him a couple of those were in the fourth quarter when he was forced to throw it against the aforementioned immense Jaguars secondary but there were also two pick-sixes that helped build that hole. This was bad. This was really bad.
And then afterwards he seemed so dejected about it all and it reminded me of how he considered retiring before the season. I already kinda suspected that this might be his last season and now it really sounds like his heart isn’t completely in it… which would make sense after he had to contemplate playing at all. It wouldn’t take much from that point to lose the love, especially when he’s getting smashed. Especially when he’s playing awful. The last bloke to throw 0 TDs and 5 INTs in a game was Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Last week I pondered how good the Steelers can be if they’re already winning games on defence with their star-studded offence still yet to hit its stride. Now, having seen this supposed Super Bowl contender lose to both the Bears and the Jaguars, I’m wondering if they ever will. They might not be as good as advertised, they might not even be very good at all if they’re throwing it 55 times and running only 20 against the best pass defence in the NFL right now.
Oh and now they play Kansas City.
Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 7
New York Giants (0-5) at Denver Broncos (3-1)
Monday 1.30pm NZT
So… Odell Beckham Jr is done for the season with a broken bone in his leg while three other wide receivers also left that game early… including Brandon Marshall who is also done for the season. And they were winning deep into the fourth quarter too! I bloody picked them and everything and the game was right there for the taking but Eli fumbled deep in his own half on third down and then threw a game-clinching interception after the Chargers had scored for the lead.
If any game ever confirmed that old edict that “it just ain’t gonna be your year” then this was the one. Presumably the next step is to sack Bob McAdoo. The step after that will be to start talking about getting rid of Eli Manning. The step after that will be to start looking forwards to the draft. And the final step is what? Support the Jets?
Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 10
Indianapolis Colts (2-3) at Tennessee Titans (2-3)
Tuesday 1.30pm NZT
Wow, I bet this game sounded so good when it was Andrew Luck against Marcus Mariota. It’s possible that Mariota does play this one but spare me for being suspicious about rushing back a running quarterback with a sore hamstring. Luck is definitely out so Jacoby Brissett will start. If it’s him against Matt Cassell then this might be a good opportunity to go and do something else on a Tuesday afternoon. Like… work, for example. Maybe get some study done. Read a damn book in the sun perhaps. Take up a new hobby, teach yourself something new. Anything.
Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 4
BYE: Dallas Cowboys (2-3), Buffalo Bills (3-2), Seattle Seahawks (3-2), Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. But he also hasn’t given up hope of one day coaching the Dallas Cowboys. He wouldn’t have given the ball back to Aaron Rodgers, that’s for sure.
Hey, smack an ad and support The Niche Cache. That’s how we’re able to keep these things coming.